To have failed to prevent DC entering someone else's house uninvited?

[LavenderWashes]

DS is almost 3, ASD suspected. He doesn't really respond to his name, let alone a simple sentence such as 'come here please' or 'get your shoes'.

I was locking the front door when he dashed to a neighbours house! I think he was attracted to the door because it's red and my mum's similar house door holds a swimming pool behind

I was a bit annoyed with myself as I ran to collect him from the door, but before I could get there in time the woman shouted ''I'M SELF ISOLATING FOR FUCK SAKE''.

I was mortified, but my brain got stuck. I didn't know if to run after DS into the house or hope and pray he would respond to my pleas for him to come here.

He did on the second desperate attempt, follow my request and came to the door, when I grabbed him. I said '' I'm so so sorry!'' and left.

AIBU to have not prevented this? Am I right in thinking it wasn't really my fault :( He's never tried that sort of thing before.

Told my Mum who said to put a note through the door and apologise that way, so she can digest my words calmy

My Autistic son used to do this, he’s an adUlt now . Ge has no concept of things that aren’t his. He’s been known to take food off peoples plates too. I wouldn’t worry, maybe write a note. We’ve had to do this with our new neighbours to explain Some of our son’s behaviour.

If he is a sudden dasher...Reins are a lifesaver.
Toddlers can and do make mad fast erratic dashes and can get into all sorts of danger,
Long reins, kids soon get used to them, and much, much safer than having a potential accident. Kids get used to them.

Yes, it is up to you to anticipate DC's reactions...There is ''Always'' the ''He/she's never done that before'' that make them end up in Casualty...EG suddenly lunging at a table with hot tea on it, reaching a back door handle and getting out onto the road..Falling into a swimming pool with lethal results..All these have happened to people who never realised how dangerous kids can be to themselves. We have to be two steps ahead..which is what makes young children so exhausting.

You're going to have to isolate him now too OP as he has been in the house of someone who may have the virus. You're going to have to find some way of keeping him restrained. I would laugh at this and my dogs love kids but one of them I think would react badly to a strange child running in, you need to think of his safety.

MY DS was exactly the same! No chance of him returning to me or answering to his name being called. Often wanting to run off as far and as fast as he could, and never bothered about being out of our sight. Complete refusal to have reins, wrist straps or hold hands - and any attempt to enforce them resulted in lying down and a meltdown (once in the middle of a main road in front of a bus which just had to stop and wait....!

It was about the same age we started down the diagnosis path - and he was soon diagnosed with ASD, later with ADHD.

He would wear a harness so I used to put that on him and run next to him with my hand over the loop which stuck up above his shoulders - that was the only way we could travel (apart from in a buggy). You have my sympathies - they were awful years! He also had a twin sister - but luckily she was no trouble and I've lost count of the times I told her to 'stay there' while I ran after her brother. Not ideal! Between ages 2 and about 4/5 we lost him at several crowded events - you really will need eyes in the back of your head!

You are at the hardest point I'd say - things will gradually improve and your DS will learn more sense. We never managed any sort of artificial restraint but he would sometimes hold hands when he was older. Then came the scooting to school stage - a whole new problem.....

But in this instance - I agree with PPs, put a letter through her door apologising and hopefully that will solve things for now. And good luck for the next few years - they will pass......

Meant kindly, the fact it's someone else's house and their reactiinbisnt wants important, focus on how you can keep your child safe because it could have been a road. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or tell you off but try to see it positively that you now know he may try darting off again or at other times and be aware and plan for it of you're getting him out of the house or car etc. Don't worry about the lady, you have this going on, she has her own stuff. You have enough to worry about without being hard on yourself as well x

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

You're going to have to isolate him now too OP as he has been in the house of someone who may have the virus. You're going to have to find some way of keeping him restrained. I would laugh at this and my dogs love kids but one of them I think would react badly to a strange child running in, you need to think of his safety.

I never even thought of that! The chances are, he’ll be fine as he wasn’t in the house for long and from the sounds of it he didn’t get any further than the hall, but you might need to think about what your plans are until you know if the neighbour actually has COVID or not.

Does he like teddies? My DS wouldn’t tolerate reins at all but I got him something similar to this and it was a game changer. You can get lots of different types of animal depending on what he’s into and they feel soft like teddies so I think DS found it comforting rather than restricting. Google goldbug reins.

Haven’t read all answers.
Asd means he will not respond and will bolt as and when the fancy takes him.
My daughter only just stopped doing this (age 9). She would not tolerate reins. I used the pushchair for everything: strapped her in inside. Not excellent, but avoided accidents.
I also always held her hand/wrist. Very firmly. A neurotypical child would have felt hurt by my grip. My daughter only registered that she could not escape my grip and so would follow me.
It looked pretty brutal sometimes; me rugby tackling her in parking lots or when she, like your son, was on her way into other people’s homes/personal space. But it was for her own safety.
It is pretty rough going. Is he non-verbal?

I'm struggling to understand the picture.

The child is 2 (except when he's not 2 but rather nearly 3)
It's not clear if child truly entered the another building or merely went onto the property
If he entered the other building, in addition to not living on roads, nobody locks their front door in OP's cluster of houses (except OP, maybe)

And the child is tall enough to turn the handle (well, my 2 yr olds would have struggled with most exterior door handles, anyway)

Except there is no road, just "green and trees"

There's no road except OP does often travel in cars... she's "in the car so much"

OP has had "Lots of questions from people in the last few days" from who, about what??

Neighbour shouted about a two year old being near or in her home.

So the door was wide open? Or shut but unlocked? I can't see you have actually clarified this.

YANBU
My kid is autistic. Stuff happens. It's not all on you.
And everyone on this thread on their sanctimonious and perfect high horses about reins etc. - you've never had to deal with parenting an autistic kid. You have absolutely NO IDEA. NONE. NONE AT ALL. So please, don't give advice to people who live with it day in day out. The OP has already explained that reins don't work. Please believe her. She's not an idiot. She's doing her best.
OP You have to do what works for you and your kid. And apologising to your neighbour (and explaining) is probably a really good idea. Peace.

My ds used to do this, he was obsessed with a neighbour's sky box he could see through the window........he was a chancer and would bolt over any chance he got. He was a real, escape artist. I was sat on a train once, arguing over the tickets with the conductor. Ds was strapped into his disability buggy with various Houdini straps keeping him in........when out of the corner of my eye I spotted his buggy moving. He'd tipped it forward and was walking like a giant, buggy carrying turtle. Making his way to the loo.

Either ways, he wouldn't wear reins either. So I used to thread a wrist rein through the loop in his trousers........until he figured out if he wriggled out of his trousers he'd have sweet, sweet freedom. 🙄

He'd tipped it forward and was walking like a giant, buggy carrying turtle. Making his way to the loo.

I know I shouldn’t, but that actually sounds hilarious.

@BillywilliamV

Neighbour horribly over reacted in my opinion, who swears like that in front of a 3yo?

Perhaps someone who panicked at a strange child in her house? If she was self-isolating, it could be as she's vulnerable, has Covid or has been in contact with someone who has it.

OP, you need to do something as what happens if he runs in front of a car, or gets in a car and then gets lost?
You might just have to find an alternative to reins. For instance you could clip something to the belt loop on his trousers. There are harnesses and reins for children with special needs, but he may be resistant to those.
You need to do it for his own safety.

I am NOT comparing your child to a dog, but I’m hoping the following might make you smile!

When my dog was a puppy she broke out and run to our neighbours, in the house, up the stairs to their lounge, onto the sofa and started eating the lady’s strawberries!!! She was not happy and I was mortified. Fast forward a couple of years down the line and she wasn’t on her lead properly when I opened the car door, leapt out and into a different neighbours house and launched herself on him on the sofa to snog his face off. He thought it was brilliant, I was again, mortified. Thankfully lots of training and she is much better now!

Of course this situation is totally different to my dog who sometimes chooses to utterly ignore me, but my point is to say that accidents happen. I think my concern would be not my neighbour, bugger that he is a child and it was an accident! But I would have some concerns over his safety. I can’t help with suggestions, but it would be worth maybe talking to an expert about it to try and ensure he doesn’t run off again? Sorry if that isn’t much help!

@yeOldeTrout

I'm struggling to understand the picture.

The child is 2 (except when he's not 2 but rather nearly 3)
It's not clear if child truly entered the another building or merely went onto the property
If he entered the other building, in addition to not living on roads, nobody locks their front door in OP's cluster of houses (except OP, maybe)

And the child is tall enough to turn the handle (well, my 2 yr olds would have struggled with most exterior door handles, anyway)

Except there is no road, just "green and trees"

There's no road except OP does often travel in cars... she's "in the car so much"

OP has had "Lots of questions from people in the last few days" from who, about what??

Neighbour shouted about a two year old being near or in her home.

I'm struggling to understand your point unless its what appears to be, which is calling OP a liar.

I know a child with ASD, totally understand how he could dash off to somewhere he shouldn’t be in a split second.

It is not your fault, but it is not her fault either, it is not that you could anticipate your child running into an unknown neighbours house and she couldn’t have anticipated finding some other people’s child inside of her house at the time she is feeling so vulnerable.

Chalk it out to experience (In the vein of you will be growing a thicker skin over time to deal with people’s correct or incorrect reactions when their space is invaded) but don’t berate yourself or the neighbour, it was a totally unpredictable situation for the three of you. I bet your child is still wondering why on Earth there is no pool behind the door with the right colour💐

Work on the reins for his own safety. Put them on for short periods at home - preferably only in the garden so he associates outside with the reins. While he's wearing them, do something he enjoys doing. Use a timer to count down a couple of minutes at a time and gradually extend the time so he is wearing the reins longer and longer. At the end of each time, lots of praise for wearing the reins.

This is for his own safety and he is too young yet to reason with or for proprioception to really be of benefit - weighted backpacks are often used for older bolters as it can be a response to needing to know where their body is in the world as opposed to an escape tactic.

I have sen children myself and dd2 (sen) refused to wear her glasses but needed to as she was a complete clutz without them. Bearing in mind she got her first pair aged 8 months, it took until she was 3 for her to wear her glasses all day, in part possibly because she wouldn't cooperate for an eye test and her script wasn't quite right. I would sit her on my lap and put an episode of the clangers on. Gently lowered her hands every time she tried to take the glasses off. At the end of the clangers she was allowed to take them off.

It can’t be easy but it sounds like you don’t have very good control of him. I’m not sure why you’d not have hold of him if you say that he doesn’t respond to his name or being asked to come to you. I would either make him wear the reins or make him sit in a pram. You can’t just have a two year old running around.
I’m sure the lady would appreciate a little note.

Sorry not the point but how did you get him to diagnosis stage at 2?!? They won’t see children that young, not even when my DS was very clearly autistic, they refused to see him. 4 and over is the soonest they’d do any kind of assessing on that

My nieces have mini backpacks but they double up as reins. They do love them I think because it doubles up as something for them, but hold a purpose they don’t realise. I know one of the twins would have a meltdown with regular reins but she is happy with the backpack as she will put a couple of bits in the back to take out with her.

It’s understandable the frustration on both parts, kids move at the speed of light and it’s just one of those unfortunate moments during time’s that aren’t quite normal.

Here’s the link for the backpacks www.littlelife.com/products/toddler-daysacks

It doesn't sound to me like a situation where there is 'fault' or blame- I can see why your neighbour was stressed and anxious and reacted as she did, I can see why you were upset, I can see how it happened without anyone doing anything objectively wrong. I like the idea of an explanatory apology note.