To have failed to prevent DC entering someone else's house uninvited?

[LavenderWashes]

DS is almost 3, ASD suspected. He doesn't really respond to his name, let alone a simple sentence such as 'come here please' or 'get your shoes'.

I was locking the front door when he dashed to a neighbours house! I think he was attracted to the door because it's red and my mum's similar house door holds a swimming pool behind

I was a bit annoyed with myself as I ran to collect him from the door, but before I could get there in time the woman shouted ''I'M SELF ISOLATING FOR FUCK SAKE''.

I was mortified, but my brain got stuck. I didn't know if to run after DS into the house or hope and pray he would respond to my pleas for him to come here.

He did on the second desperate attempt, follow my request and came to the door, when I grabbed him. I said '' I'm so so sorry!'' and left.

AIBU to have not prevented this? Am I right in thinking it wasn't really my fault :( He's never tried that sort of thing before.

Told my Mum who said to put a note through the door and apologise that way, so she can digest my words calmy

who yells for fucks sake at a 3 YO?

You are in the wrong for sure, your neighbour is still a twat

Sounds shit OP. With a child with SN it’s a steep learning curve for parents. Try posting in the SN board for some better advice.

In the meantime, I would use the pushchair unless you’re sure he can’t go off anywhere. Do you have a front garden/area that you could fence/close the gate? Hold onto his hand until he is safely in the house/car with door closed. Put him between you and the door, rather than beside you, whilst youre unlocking and opening. Be prepared to drop your bags/keys and grab him at any point. Plan exits/entrances of cars/houses so that your keys are easy to grab and your bags are all loaded onto you before you release him from straps etc. Basically do a mental risk assessment of every journey/entrance/exit and plan it so that you won’t have to let go of his hand.

Your house isn't on a road?

Some houses aren't. Our old house was on a green, it was a dozen or so houses in a semi-circle around a circular area of grass/trees. Each house front had a front garden that led to the pavement, pavement circled the green, and the (very quiet) road was at the opposite end of the green to the houses.

Lots of houses aren't on roads! Mine isn't. But I second trying a wrist strap or rucksack with reins type attachment. Do pop a note in to apologise though- she might be a grump but more likely she was surprised and reacted in shock- maybe she is worrying if she should apologise to you!

@LavenderWashes

If he saw the red door from your own doorstep, I'm assuming he crossed the road? It must be very difficult, but yes, it is your fault, as such.

He doesn't play. With toys anyway. From the top of my head he's most fond of an empty box from the recycling

What size of box? Is it the cardboard he likes? I know this sounds silly, but can you distract him with a small box, while you’re leaving the house? It’s no different from distracting a child with a toy, when you’re out.

To be fair to the neighbour although she was rude she had probably also just had an almighty scare hearing her front door open and someone walk in! (Lesson to her to lock it!)

Fair enough. If there was no traffic risk you're being far less unreasonable.

It was an accident. Pop a note through the door explaining and apologise. Have you tried desensitising him to the reins? Does he have a favourite treat? Pop on reins very loosely then pop whatever his favourite thing is in his mouth. Only leave it on for a split second to start then build up. Sorry OP, it's very hard going. You're doing great. 💐

@Blue565

who yells for fucks sake at a 3 YO?

You are in the wrong for sure, your neighbour is still a twat

I doubt the neighbour actually planned on swearing in front of a child. Have you never swore, in an inappropriate setting or in front of someone, when taken by surprise or in shocked at something? The neighbour sounds like she’s very anxious and I’m sure she’s upset by her own reaction too. She thought she was safe in her own home, taking precautions and suddenly the door opens and a child appears in the place she felt safe. She was probably frightened that the OP was going to come into the house after the child.

Gosh, you are getting a lot of harsh unsympathetic responses. I think the neighbour sounds like an agressive twat. Even a neurotypical 2/3 year old can behave unpredictably on occasion, these things happen. The woman's front door should have been locked.

Why can't you wear a mask?

she said she was isolating, does she mean shielding?

She could have been self isolating. Perhaps she has the virus. Or is waiting for test results. That's the protocol.

Have a look at cybex pallas car seats. They stopped houdini dd in her tracks and unless he can undo the seat belt, he won't be going anywhere.

I agree with the note. I like to think I wouldn't have sworn but I do have ptsd and someone just walking in would terrify me.

Why can't you wear a mask?

Based on my experiences with my youngest DS, its possible he finds it distressing to not be able to see his mother's face. Masks really freak DS out and he gets very upset when he sees me or DH wearing one. The current differences in day to day life are upsetting for many children but that upset is magnified when your child doesn't have the level of understanding needed to cope with it.

A two year old that bolts should be still in the pram, or firmly holding your hand at all times. Or on reins.
This is your fault and your responsibility and you need to step up.
If he's disabled it may be like this for years.

Our door wasn't locked when we were self-isolating. The postman would open it to put parcels in the porch. This really isn't your neighbour's fault because she didn't expect a child to wander in.

It sounds like you're struggling. Don't get bogged down in the neighbour. Put a card through their door. Find more advice and support for yourself either on here or if there are any online local groups atm.

A two year old that bolts should be still in the pram, or firmly holding your hand at all times. Or on reins. This is your fault and your responsibility and you need to step up

OP stated in her first post that he has never bolted before so how was she supposed to predict he would do it this time? Going forwards she can plan for it now she knows he's done it once but there wasnt really a way for her to have planned ahead for an unexpected behaviour that he had never exhibited before now.

OP my son is autistic and at that age he'd suddenly shoot off too. I understand the problem with reins, mine used to lie on the floor and refuse to move. Have you tried other restraints? My DS was fine with a wrist strap rather than reins and would just about tolerate a backpack with lead on it.

OP

I also recommend a wrist strap. DD (ASD) tolerated that, but not reins nor holding hands. She had several near misses because she ran so often before we tried it.

The sn board will be really useful to give you ideas generally.

We've been here with DS3 who's now 9, and still has absolutely no danger sense. Despite having had padlocks on all the doors, (now numberpad locks, which the council installed and are rubbish), DS has managed to escape and run into other people's houses, even down the road and into the local garage to help himself to a comic and sweets. Every time we are frantic. If you have a runner, and one that won't wear reins or a backpack, (or is too big for them), then I would contact Children's Services and ask for an assessment for a wheelchair buggy - they're basically buggies but heavier, sturdier, won't fall over, and have a 5-point harness, where most little buggies won't stand up to the strength of older children. He may be ok in a normal buggy now, but once they can pull them over, wriggle out of them, or stick their legs out, they're dangerous. Hyper-vigilance is all very well and good, but he will get stronger, and better at wriggling out of your grip. It sounds harsh to keep them under lock and key, but you need to keep him safe.

There are also waist belts with handles

It wasn't your fault, such things happen. The boy was hardly going to infect the woman and she certainly had no reason to be so foul mouthed.

(He is two by the way.)

These things happen, I wouldn't worry yourself. If you really want to, pop a card through your neighbour's door saying something like "Sorry for DS's intrusion the other day. He's only 2 and has trouble following instructions. Never dreamed this would happen and it won't happen again. Best wishes etc." Tbh, I think your neighbour hugely overreacted but maybe they're really worried about the Covid situation or just having a bad day.

Well, the woman got one hell of a fright when a random toddler came rocketing through her front door - she most probably didn't have uppermost in her mind moderating her language in front of the tiny trespasser!

People are somewhat on edge, understandably so.