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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have failed to prevent DC entering someone else's house uninvited?

210 replies

LavenderWashes · 11/09/2020 15:06

DS is almost 3, ASD suspected. He doesn't really respond to his name, let alone a simple sentence such as 'come here please' or 'get your shoes'.

I was locking the front door when he dashed to a neighbours house! I think he was attracted to the door because it's red and my mum's similar house door holds a swimming pool behind Blush

I was a bit annoyed with myself as I ran to collect him from the door, but before I could get there in time the woman shouted ''I'M SELF ISOLATING FOR FUCK SAKE''.

I was mortified, but my brain got stuck. I didn't know if to run after DS into the house or hope and pray he would respond to my pleas for him to come here.

He did on the second desperate attempt, follow my request and came to the door, when I grabbed him. I said '' I'm so so sorry!'' and left.

AIBU to have not prevented this? Am I right in thinking it wasn't really my fault :( He's never tried that sort of thing before.

Told my Mum who said to put a note through the door and apologise that way, so she can digest my words calmy

OP posts:
Original poster
LavenderWashes · 11/09/2020 15:33

The thing with reins is how long before you give up? I've tried so many times and he throws himself down, hysterical that it's touching him.

I'm already at my wits end because the one saving grace was travelling to family or going out in the car. But I'm stuck remote as a prisoner at present since he will NOT sit in his car seat straps, he removes them. All safety straps don't work, he works out how they're put on and takes it off. He's crafty

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 11/09/2020 15:33

Have you looked at the special needs forum on here? Parents with experience of toddlers with ASD will probably have lots of practical advice for you. Paramount is his safety but you could do with some support too.

Confuzzlediddled · 11/09/2020 15:33

How about a wrist strap rather than reins? I used one with my autistic dc until he was about 10 to keep him safe, he grew to like the security of it.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 11/09/2020 15:33

Well, yes it is your fault, but you can't always stop these things from happening. Any 3 year old has the potential to bolt, so you alway have to be on the ball.

BlueJava · 11/09/2020 15:34

I don't think you are unreasonable at all - these things happen, even if we do have Covid19 to content with. It's not like you didn't try to stop him, sometimes kids do unexpected things!

Original poster
LavenderWashes · 11/09/2020 15:34

Conf I hadn't tried one of those for the wrist, no! I will get one off amazon today. Hopefully he'll tolerate it

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/09/2020 15:34

@LavenderWashes

The thing with reins is how long before you give up? I've tried so many times and he throws himself down, hysterical that it's touching him.

I'm already at my wits end because the one saving grace was travelling to family or going out in the car. But I'm stuck remote as a prisoner at present since he will NOT sit in his car seat straps, he removes them. All safety straps don't work, he works out how they're put on and takes it off. He's crafty

Do you have an OT they may be able to help with the car seat. I don’t know if they can be used that young but there are things like crelling harnesses which can be used
SmileyClare · 11/09/2020 15:37

Can you put something over the belt clasp of his car seat? A bit of material velcro-ed or buttoned over? Wrap a hand towel round it or something? Obviously it needs to be removed quickly in an accident but it sounds dangerous for him to be undoing his car seat. Sad

Gancanny · 11/09/2020 15:37

He acted in an unexpected way that you couldn't have predicted, there was little you could have done to prevent it and these things happen.

Now that you know he's bolted once you can plan ahead for him potentially doing it again. If he doesn't like reins then I would just keep using the pushchair for now. I know it seems counterproductive but it means he's safely contained and walking can be worked on at other times. A push along strike as suggested by another poster might be a good call but if he's happy in the pushchair I'd stick with that.

I agree with the PP who said a three year old with ASD is a tough gig. I've been there twice. In terms of emotional and social development it may help to think of him as roughly a third younger than his chronological age and that his actions will sometimes reflect this, it's a useful rule of thumb when trying to work out behaviour expectations.

Thisismytimetoshine · 11/09/2020 15:38

If he saw the red door from your own doorstep, I'm assuming he crossed the road? It must be very difficult, but yes, it is your fault, as such.
You can't let go of his hand outside if you know he doesn't respond to being called.

Gancanny · 11/09/2020 15:40

But I'm stuck remote as a prisoner at present since he will NOT sit in his car seat straps, he removes them. All safety straps don't work, he works out how they're put on and takes it off. He's crafty

A crelling harness can help you here. They're safety harnesses for car seats and seatbelts designed for children and adults with special needs.

www.crelling.com/

BillywilliamV · 11/09/2020 15:40

Neighbour horribly over reacted in my opinion, who swears like that in front of a 3yo?

FortunesFave · 11/09/2020 15:40

I do feel for you. My neighbour's little girl used to beat on our door the moment my neighbour left the house with her...every single time, she'd run to our door...we were in flats then...and bang on it shouting "Dom! Dom!" which was her word for my DH. Neighbour felt terrible about it...but it wasn't her fault and if you put a note through your neighbour's door explaining, they should understand and if they don't they're a twat anyway so why would you care what they thought about you. Grin

Premiumbond · 11/09/2020 15:42

YANBU is it normal in your area to live your front door unlocked?
I wouldn't dream of doing that ( live in big city), so I think she's to blame too, especially if she's self isolating Confused
Self isolating with the front door open, kind of mind-boggling that

Original poster
LavenderWashes · 11/09/2020 15:42

If he saw the red door from your own doorstep, I'm assuming he crossed the road? It must be very difficult, but yes, it is your fault, as such.

No, there isn't a road nearby. Which is why I thought it wouldn't be the end of the world if he did walk off a tiny bit. It's just green and trees

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 11/09/2020 15:43

@FortunesFave

I do feel for you. My neighbour's little girl used to beat on our door the moment my neighbour left the house with her...every single time, she'd run to our door...we were in flats then...and bang on it shouting "Dom! Dom!" which was her word for my DH. Neighbour felt terrible about it...but it wasn't her fault and if you put a note through your neighbour's door explaining, they should understand and if they don't they're a twat anyway so why would you care what they thought about you. Grin
How was that beyond her control? Hmm
Original poster
LavenderWashes · 11/09/2020 15:43

Prem Don't think so. I'd never leave my door open, but then again I wouldn't even if I lived in a secluded cottage

OP posts:
DeliciouslyFemale · 11/09/2020 15:44

Is it the feeling if the reigns he doesn’t like, or would he tolerate a tiny rucksack? You can get little safety rucksacks that a reign attaches to. If he is able to put his teddy or something in it and carry it around the house during play, it might help him get used to it.

I’m sure the poor woman was just reacting out of shock. I’d do as your mum suggests and post her an apology, saying that you acknowledge that it shouldn’t have happened and you’re taking steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Good luck.

Thisismytimetoshine · 11/09/2020 15:44

@LavenderWashes

If he saw the red door from your own doorstep, I'm assuming he crossed the road? It must be very difficult, but yes, it is your fault, as such.

No, there isn't a road nearby. Which is why I thought it wouldn't be the end of the world if he did walk off a tiny bit. It's just green and trees

Your house isn't on a road?
AngelaScandal · 11/09/2020 15:44

Maybe a service dog might be something to explore down the line OP

HotPenguin · 11/09/2020 15:45

I don't think you really did anything wrong? My neighbour's young kids frequently run up my drive and into my garden, if my door was open they might come inside. I've even had an 8 year old come and help themselves to our swing! I politely told them this wasn't allowed, I wouldn't shout and swear at them. Your neighbour was out of order shouting the F word at you, so I don't think you should apologise. You said she was self isolating, but do you mean shielding? If she is shielding I can see why she might be annoyed, although that doesn't justify swearing at you.

FortunesFave · 11/09/2020 15:46

Shine because she was a single parent with a disability.

TheEC · 11/09/2020 15:46

former he's not 2, he's very nearly 3

This really made me laugh, sorry.....

Anyway yes this is 100% your fault. Just learn from it.

Original poster
LavenderWashes · 11/09/2020 15:46

If he saw the red door from your own doorstep, I'm assuming he crossed the road? It must be very difficult, but yes, it is your fault, as such.

He doesn't play. With toys anyway. From the top of my head he's most fond of an empty box from the recycling

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 11/09/2020 15:48

Shine not all houses are on a road. My sister lives at the end of a field and then there's a path and another two cottages. You have to walk up the path to reach a road. People can't park there.