Money!

[boymomma]

Hey everyone! So I got made redundant during the pandemic, before that I worked part time around looking after our 4 year old and I am now 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Before I was out of work I did all the cooking, cleaning etc bedtimes and I don't mind however it has been a bit harder since I've been in my third trimester however now I'm no longer working I felt even more so it was my duty to do this while my partner worked mon-Friday 9-5.

We now get universal credit, nothing has changed in terms of who pays what. So while I worked I payed the rent, water, gas and electric. My own phone bill and half of the car finance. My partner pays for his own phone bill, car insurance and all the food shops which varies week to week however he doesn't like spending more than about £40-50 a week which I think is more than enough for us three at the moment. And if we do anything on weekends he pays eg ice creams or lunchtimes out etc. And he puts all the fuel in the car. So it's pretty fair

Now I am not working I obviously don't have as much coming in, the universal credit we receive covers my half of the bills just. Then my partner is left with that he pays. I have £0 left over, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm trapped now we've had the virus and being heavily pregnant I have waited to find a new job until after the baby is born. I feel like I was always independent and now I have no money to do anything other than pay the bills. I don't know what I'm asking.. I guess I feel a bit hard done by that all the money for my side goes on bills and he has hundreds left over each month to buy new things. Maybe I'm a little jealous as I was able to do this when I worked. He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his. And I get what he means. I just feel a bit down that I struggle every month and worry about the bills when he's being able to save money. I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes. We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that and I'm happy, and the rest I've used to top up the UC each month for our bills.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

It sounds like you were paying more than your fair share before you went on UC, you paid rent, water, gas and electric and half the car, he paid half the car, food and his phone bill???? Doesn't sound fair to me, especially as you were earning less by the sounds of it as you were part time and looking after your toddler.

He sounds like all the other financially abusive arseholes we read about on here almost on a daily basis.

Your partner needs to pay more into the household bills so that you have some money left to spend on you.

Your split is in no way fair. You need a joint account for household expenses like rent, bills, food, baby equipment etc. Currently you’re supporting the family and he is pleasing himself.

We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that

If you don’t have shared finances, needs to pay his half of that.

Of course it is not fair, it is financial abuse and you are not a partnership.

You are being financially abused. You are going to need to work out what would be fair, have a tough conversation with your ‘partner’ and then decide if you’re willing to stay based on his response. You should have equal amounts of spending money for non essentials. Also, get him to pay you (at least) half of everything you’ve spent on the baby so far.

At a quick count, our housing and bills comes to £800 ish, and our food comes to £400 ish. And that's with a very low housing cost and relatively high food spend. You are being taken advantage of. What's the difference in terms of what you actually each pay?

In fairness, @Therealjudgejudy it doesn't sound as though the OP's partner was financially abusive until the OP stopped earning.

What concerns me more is that people don't discuss how the finances are going to work as part of the discussions they have about whether or not now is a good time to conceive.

And even then, things change. There's no vaccine that protects against redundancy.

I still can’t understand this mindset!

Surely when you decided to settle down and have children with somebody you are forming a family unit. Everything goes into the pot and everything people need/want comes out of it.
There will be times (and it’s normally the woman due to having to actually grow and give birth to the children) when somebody contributes less financially, and often somebody (normally the man as they haven’t had to stop thier career with maternity leaves and passed over for promotions or had to leave work early to collect kids etc) ends up earning more due to promotions etc
But there are other ways contribution is made - mentally, emotionally, practically (cooking, cleaning), childcare, finding the best deals, having the time to cook from scratch and save money, etc etc.

All of our money goes into the account. All of the bills, food, petrol etc comes out. Whatever is left over is used for clothes if anyone needs them, days out, DH climbing gear, my make up, kids activities, etc etc

Thank you everyone, it's nice to hear I'm not alone thinking it is a bit unfair. I don't feel I wouldn't be allowed to buy something with his side of the money, maybe I'm a bit proud to ask. Asking someone if I can buy something is something I'm not used to. Annoyingly I got made redundant after I had gotten pregnant and had been in my job for 9 years and thought it was stable but was completely out of the blue.

I've never seen it as abusive, it was just sort of what he suggested we do as he's "not good with bills" and I went with it. He doesn't deal with stress well and if I try and talk about the bills he clams up so it's easier if I just do it. But after your replies I'm going to sit down and go through the finances with him and see if we can make it more fair. Currently my bills come to about £1,200 and his come to about £700 and he's earning more than me obviously. So yeah it's not as fair as it could be. Will definitely bring it up. Thank you everyone 💪🏼

@BrieAndChilli they aren't married.

In our house we split the bills fairly (OP yours aren't split fairly) but I'm not putting all of my money into one pot and giving DP access to do whatever he likes with it. I wouldn't expect him to either. Unless you are married this is a bloody stupid thing to do as your money is completely at risk

You feel like it's not fair because it isn't fair, OP.

Once there are children, all money should be family money imo. All in one pot, and any savings should be joint, too. This is especially important when a couple aren't married, as it's the only way to protect the partner with the lower income.

You need to work out a budget that gives you both an equal amount for personal spending and what is left over of the total income (his wages and UC), after paying bills, food and anything for the children should go into joint savings.

And make sure that childcare costs come out of joint money when you get another job. Please don't end up being that mum who gives up on a career because her childcare costs consume all her wages!

Who looked after you first child when you were at work? Who paid for that? I assume now you're not working that the costs are not there as you are at home?

@dollypartonscoat in my opinion if you can’t trust someone with your money you shouldn’t be having children with them!!!

You are in a financially abusive relationship where what is his is his and what is yours is his, too. Funny how he's fine with bills when it comes to his own money but leaves you with the heavy lifting. Doesn't deal with stress well, my arse, he uses that to control you. He is using you! It's not 'a bit unfair', it's downright manipulative and using you.

@Ariela I paid for the childcare, it was quite low as half of the childcare I had family who could help so the fees only came to about £350 a month, when I lost my job we lost the money to be able to afford the childcare and wasn't worth keeping it going as I was at home then anyway, so that as a bill has sort of cancelled itself out with the money I lost from wages

£500 difference! £6000 a year he's getting away with here OP. Shocking.

He should have some of the regular bills, the ones that need to be paid. At the moment he's got things that he can scrimp on if he fancies it. That's not fair.

Calculate the costs of all of your fixed bills

Mortgage
Utilities inc. Netflix etc.
Car finance
Loans
Council tax
School/Clubs
Childcare costs

Open a joint account and the bills come out of this. You contact them yourself if he can't "deal" with it. You each set up a direct debit for half of the bills to the joint account. Add £50 each or whatever you can afford and the savings will build for Christmas and birthdays.

Then work out food bill and fun money and each transfer half to a Monzo card or similar. You can both get a card and use that for shopping.

Pay your own phone bills and buy what you like out of whatever is left.

@BrieAndChilli

The amount of relationships and marriages that don't work out and you think everyone should just offer up their savings with zero protection.

Insane. I trust DP, I have children with him. I also know that people can surprise you. By keeping my savings as mine I'm protecting myself and the kids. Assuming I make it into old age with DP then we will both reap the benefits of that!

We do actually have a joint account and a lot of joint finances and commitments. I also have my own private money. No way should everything be thrown into one pot. How you made the leap to thinking that means I don't trust him I'll never know 🤷🏽‍♀️

You say you are not used to "asking someone if you can buy something" Well Newsflash! He is not "someone" He is your Partner /Father of your DC! You should have a joint income and take what you need from that!This sounds more like a business proposition! FFS you are the DM of his DC and your "work" ATM is looking after your DC (his child!) Please make sure as above PP says ,that childcare bills are jointly shared out when you return to work .If you are not working then you need essentials dont be like a recent Poster who had no money for sodding deodorant!

Sounded like you were paying far too much when you were working. You paid all the rent and bills, half the car and your phone. He paid half car, his phone, shopping and petrol. Tot that up OP.

He’s being an arse now, if you don’t have a penny left and would have to ask if you needed a mascara?! Can you not see how wrong that is?!

He needs to step up!

He also needs to pay some bills ASAP!

It's funny because I've only started feeling like this since I've not had any disposable income of my own, what I had was enough for me to get essential things for myself if I wanted them. And I think that's why I've felt like maybe I was being unreasonable or greedy in some way which I am not.

I'm quite shocked now at how much more equal it could be hearing your replies and how other people live. I'm going to look at changing how our family financial dynamic is as it's just not working

How is it fair that you pay £500 more than him and have zero leftover, and he has plenty to spend on himself?!!! How is that fair?

Good and please stick to it and dont be sidetracked by the "stress " he feels when paying bills!Yes everyone else just loves them!