Money!

[boymomma]

Hey everyone! So I got made redundant during the pandemic, before that I worked part time around looking after our 4 year old and I am now 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Before I was out of work I did all the cooking, cleaning etc bedtimes and I don't mind however it has been a bit harder since I've been in my third trimester however now I'm no longer working I felt even more so it was my duty to do this while my partner worked mon-Friday 9-5.

We now get universal credit, nothing has changed in terms of who pays what. So while I worked I payed the rent, water, gas and electric. My own phone bill and half of the car finance. My partner pays for his own phone bill, car insurance and all the food shops which varies week to week however he doesn't like spending more than about £40-50 a week which I think is more than enough for us three at the moment. And if we do anything on weekends he pays eg ice creams or lunchtimes out etc. And he puts all the fuel in the car. So it's pretty fair

Now I am not working I obviously don't have as much coming in, the universal credit we receive covers my half of the bills just. Then my partner is left with that he pays. I have £0 left over, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm trapped now we've had the virus and being heavily pregnant I have waited to find a new job until after the baby is born. I feel like I was always independent and now I have no money to do anything other than pay the bills. I don't know what I'm asking.. I guess I feel a bit hard done by that all the money for my side goes on bills and he has hundreds left over each month to buy new things. Maybe I'm a little jealous as I was able to do this when I worked. He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his. And I get what he means. I just feel a bit down that I struggle every month and worry about the bills when he's being able to save money. I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes. We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that and I'm happy, and the rest I've used to top up the UC each month for our bills.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

@MaskingForIt that’s not always the case. Even when you earn (more or less than your partner) this often happens. Chances are the person already had this in their natural nature to be finically abusive.

Obviously things changed after the baby arrives most men obviously say they will contribute before the baby arrives

He has hundreds and you have nothing. Thats absolutely shocking. He sounds a horrible selfish monster. You deserve better. I'd rather be on my own than with somebody like that.

Thank you everyone I feel like I'm within my right to ask for a big change! I've worked out the finances today and my bills come to double his almost. He's left with £450 after his side is paid unless he gets bonus' which he does some months but then of course my UC reflects that and goes down. Does anyone have any advice on how I approach this with him? I want to sit down and show him what's paid each and have a suggestion on how we can make it more fair.

I'm quite shocked now at how much more equal it could be hearing your replies and how other people live

And I'm shocked that you're shocked. I'm also shocked by how many women with children end up in financially abusive relationships like this still.

I must say of course he contributes more than just his side like I said if we are out on the weekend etc he will pay for dinner or ice creams etc and if we need anything extra bread/milk during the week

Is your universal credit a joint claim. He seems to have a lot of money left over for a couple on UC.

Op your numbers don’t quite make sense.

You’ve said your bills are 1200

His are 700

He is left with 450

You are left with nothing

Which means he earns 1150 a month after tax. You twelve hundred from benefits. So you actually bring in more from benefits than he earns. So you “earn” more. I assume he is min wage or part time or something?

If he’s left with 450, then that’s quite a lot in comparison to income. You should have an equitable split so you both get say couple 175 a month each and then put the rest to savings. Whether he is willing to do that though is a different question.

I’m also curious how you’re getting twelve hundred a month in benefits, that seems really high with one kid?

You could start the conversation:

I’ve been a bit short the past few months, I’ve run a budget and I think we need to re jig how we work our finances. Can you have a look with me?

Has anyone managed to turn a situation like this around? What happens when he gets a bonus?

Also if he is left with 450, your shopping is £50pw and he pays for other family incidentals, petrol etc is there actually money left over? (Not that you shouldn’t be sharing what’s left, I’m just wondering if much is left?)

I didn't work for 6 years when my DC were young, it was always all family money...

The amount I get from UC is less than what he gets as his wage by a few hundred. Like I said I top up the amount I get with money I had left over from my redundancy, and I also sell things on eBay we no longer need/use to also make extra. Our rent is quite high so I think that's probably why we get the amount we do and my partner isn't it a massively high paying job.

When I'm back at work I shouldn't have to worry so much and will definitely hand over some of the bills to him, I will approach it later with him and see how it goes

@Bluntness100 the op said she had been topping up her contribution with her redundancy... So in any case.... This isn't sustainable as that redundancy won't last forever and op won't be able to make up her contribution

I count fuel and food shops in his bill amount

Out of interest are there any other ladies on here who don't work or earn considerably less than their partner or have the childcare responsibilities and how do you feel about money? Are you made to feel like it's still equal even though you aren't in a paying job but taking care of things at home?

@boymamma please listen to all the other posters. How you have been managing your joint money is certainly nothing like fair. When we got married, me and DH earned about the same, and had done for years. We opened a joint account, each put about 75% of our pay in there, and EVERYTHING except our personal spends came out of that. After about a year i became pregnant. At this point we scrapped our personal accounts altogher. Both salaries went straight into the one joint account so everything came out of it. I managed all our finances/bills/savings. I went back to work part time and eventually, after 3 children and some health issues, gave up work altoghter. We still just have the one joint account, I still manage all the finances and bills. I have had no income except our tax credits for over 10 years now. If I want something for me, I just buy it out of the joint account, because I always know what's in there and whether we can afford it. We do need to be careful, so although DH happily spends smaller amounts whenever her wants, he always checks with me if he wants to make any larger spends, to check if we have enough in the account to cover it. If fact, because money has always been fairly tight, to give him 'guilt free' spending, we set up a direct debit of £10 a month to a personal account just for him, that he knew he could take from without affecting family finances at all. This is despite him being the sole earner. It's all family money. It's all about what 'we' can afford as a family. There isn't any tit for tat spending. It helps that we have similar attitudes towards money. I honestly have no guilt about buying things I need for me, and DH has never had any issue with it.

OP you need to have a serious think about how you manage your joint finances and what is fair. If he pays his fair share into a joint account, you can manage it if he is not good with bills. But he needs to contribute properly to your family finances and not rely on you subsidising him to the extent that you have.

@boymomma

Out of interest are there any other ladies on here who don't work or earn considerably less than their partner or have the childcare responsibilities and how do you feel about money? Are you made to feel like it's still equal even though you aren't in a paying job but taking care of things at home?

I work full time, quite well paid. DH does not work outside the house, and all our money goes in 1 pot. He buys what we need when we need it.

We discuss (more in passing) bigger purchases, he lets me know if he wants something over around £50ish not in a control way, just in an information way

To me, that's normal. I can earn, because he looks after our home and dc

Blimey OP - unfair indeed!

We have always just put everything into 1 pot, paid for all necessary outgoings, bought whatever small stuff we needed without asking each other and made joint decisions on big purchases

That has been when we were both working, him earning more, me earning more and for over 5 years him being a SAHD and me earning all

I would say best way is to lay all the details out and say you would like his suggestion on the fairest way to split things in future since circumstances have changed now

He's either got to come up with something better or look like a knob.

He might not even realise how much more you pay and he has left - but you will soon know how he feels!

Good luck

He sounds like a right selfish arse

My partner works fulltime (currently furloughed) i work part time and recieve some UC as top up as i care for my 8 year old.

We pay out EVERYTHING, bills, food, kids Pocket money, sports, pre school fees etc and then if there's anything left we split whatever is left equally.
Neither of us has more than the other.
Normally whats left goes on clothes for ourselves, hobby or extras the kids need.

when i say care for my 8 year old, what i mean is we get dla and then carers element of UC

My God this is shocking! And depressing. It was NEVER fair and definitely IS financial abuse. I work part time 2 days a week and pay for the TV license, my car, pet food and insurance, kids clubs/activities and clothes etc, some food but not all and my DH pays mortgage and all bills. You have been hugely subsidising him for years, you definitely need to write everything down and go through it with him. It's disgraceful that he leaves you with no money for yourself, I don't believe he doesn't realise it. Don't let him fob you off and good luck!

@boymomma

I must say of course he contributes more than just his side like I said if we are out on the weekend etc he will pay for dinner or ice creams etc and if we need anything extra bread/milk during the week

How big of him.

SAHM here. I contribute a grand old £0 atm. I have worked on and off throughout the years but my career as a whole has been on the back burner for around 7years (in the process now of retraining and getting back out there). I have never ever been made to feel less than or treated inadequately. What we do, have always done and has always worked for us is that the day WE get paid, we look at our spreadsheet of bills, transfer the entirety of that amount into our joint account. This includes everything, ie, food shopping, petrol. Then we agree an amount to put into our savings and transfer that. Then he literally divides whatever is left by two and transfers it over to me. We take turns paying for meals out and things for the children and it works well for us, I still needed to feel financially independent and he understand that.

What’s going on in your house isn’t fair at all and you need to explain that to him

I must say of course he contributes more than just his side like I said if we are out on the weekend etc he will pay for dinner or ice creams etc and if we need anything extra bread/milk during the week

That’s big of him - not! No way that equates to the disparity you have with regular outgoings - but makes him APPEAR to be generous to onlookers which suits him just fine!

Op - how do your parents manage finances? Do you know? You don’t have to answer us but good to ask yourself these questions.

How were relationships modelled to you?

My parents marriage is abusive in every way, but conversely that made me determined NEVER to accept such abuse - but I know it can have the opposite effect.

@Wotsitsarecheesy - I would honestly caution ANYONE against ONLY having one joint account and NOT just in case of him being an arse if you split (though that is very common and should be included in your life contingency plan considerations)

But also in case of:

Issues with the bank - in recent years several banks have been hacked and their systems crashed meaning customers couldn’t use their cards. It’s good sense to have an alternative access to money just in case. Also in case bank goes bust - we’ve a massive global recession coming due to cv so I think banks going under a distinct possibility and while a certain amount of funds are supposedly govt protected it can take ages for these things to get sorted. I think especially with Brexit looming. Even if the govt/EU don’t fuck things up I don’t put it past some criminal numpty not to try and take advantage

There’s also if your partner/spouse becomes incapacitated/dies things can get tricky.

Less so if they die actually as laws on that fairly clear, much more Cloudy if they’re incapacitated.

Off topic somewhat I know

I have bank accounts with 2 banks. 1 main current account. A savings account, plus an emergency credit card (no debt on it, I use for larger purchases for the protection offered) with a 3rd company.

Does anyone have any advice on how I approach this with him? I want to sit down and show him what's paid each and have a suggestion on how we can make it more fair.

Seriously ?

You have a child with this man. You are expecting another.

How can you not know how to say "{Partner'sname}, this evening we need to sit down and go through the family budget" ?

This shouldn't be about "asking" for some more, this should be about two equal partners talking about the income coming into the family, the expenses going out, and what you do with any surplus - do you want to save for a holiday / replace a car or do you want to each have a bit more disposable income each month or, are you investing / saving towards buying a house or home improvements or even longer term pensions or whatever.

I am honestly so sad for you that this is happening to you. I really hope he just hasn't worked it out somehow... if he puts up resistance i really think it would be a dealbreaker for me. It is so patently unfair, as he would sirely see if things were the other way round.

Whatever you do make sure you approach it from the angle of making your disposable income equal, not making the bill payments equal. Ie he needs to pay more of the bills than you, not the same as you.

Did you raise it OP?

It is patently unfair and he sounds controlling and selfish