Money!

[boymomma]

Hey everyone! So I got made redundant during the pandemic, before that I worked part time around looking after our 4 year old and I am now 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Before I was out of work I did all the cooking, cleaning etc bedtimes and I don't mind however it has been a bit harder since I've been in my third trimester however now I'm no longer working I felt even more so it was my duty to do this while my partner worked mon-Friday 9-5.

We now get universal credit, nothing has changed in terms of who pays what. So while I worked I payed the rent, water, gas and electric. My own phone bill and half of the car finance. My partner pays for his own phone bill, car insurance and all the food shops which varies week to week however he doesn't like spending more than about £40-50 a week which I think is more than enough for us three at the moment. And if we do anything on weekends he pays eg ice creams or lunchtimes out etc. And he puts all the fuel in the car. So it's pretty fair

Now I am not working I obviously don't have as much coming in, the universal credit we receive covers my half of the bills just. Then my partner is left with that he pays. I have £0 left over, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm trapped now we've had the virus and being heavily pregnant I have waited to find a new job until after the baby is born. I feel like I was always independent and now I have no money to do anything other than pay the bills. I don't know what I'm asking.. I guess I feel a bit hard done by that all the money for my side goes on bills and he has hundreds left over each month to buy new things. Maybe I'm a little jealous as I was able to do this when I worked. He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his. And I get what he means. I just feel a bit down that I struggle every month and worry about the bills when he's being able to save money. I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes. We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that and I'm happy, and the rest I've used to top up the UC each month for our bills.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

@boymomma I'm shocked you don't think drowninginwashjng situ is normal. Your 'D'P is not a good father or partner if he withholds money from you.

Calculate the total costs monthly, and then pay by %. For example, out of the 100% total of income, if your partner earns 70% and you earn 30% of total household income, that is how you split bills. There's no way the partner with less income should be paying the majority, nor should one partner be able to save and the other not.

You really really need to get this sorted before you baby arrives. You will feel more and more trapped otherwise. Good luck!

He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his.

He works hard TO PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY NOT SO HE CAN HAVE LOADS OF MONEY FOR HIMSELF.

Sorry to shout but he is taking the mick.

I'm the sole earner in our household, DH is a SAHD. I pay the bulk - mortgage, council tax, gas, electric, car, 85% of the food, all clothes for DS.

DH gets the child benefit and gets s little from his parents each month (they want to avoid inheritance tax later so giving him and DS bits and pieces now), so he pays phone, water and Amazon Prime.

But all of our money is essentially shared anyway. If I need cash I can ask him, he'll buy a takeaway, whatever.

There is no way I would make him use all the money he has coming in just because "I work hard for mine". I work hard so my family is comfortable and happy and fed and clothed.

Oh, and I look after DS when I'm not at work so DH gets a break in the evenings and at weekends, too.

@MaskingForIt I agree, however when I got pregnant I was working in what I thought was a stable job of 9 years and I was happy with the money I had left for myself, even though probably still not a fair split. We weren't desperate for a baby as you've put it but both felt we wanted to add a sibling to the family and were financially stable enough. Unfortunately that was not the case once I was made redundant which I again I did not see coming. I will be going back to work once I've had the same sort of maternity time off and will make sure things are definitely split more fairly. To be honest after reading this thread I feel I've probably enabled this more than been forced to do it. Which still isn't right as I now feel a partner should want to contribute fairly and not be told to

You have children. All money should go into one pot and you should have the same amount of disposable income.

He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his.

I can't believe anyone would actually think this way.
I'm saddened that anyone would think what @Drowninginwashing has suggested is anything but normal

You are a family. Looking after dc and looking after the home is as much hard work as going out to WOTH. As a parent, if you weren't contributing what you do, and he were paying childcare, that would use up a lot of what he thinks is 'his' to spend. Even if we pretend you don't also do the work of a cleaner and a housekeeper as well, he needs to at least get his head around "paying" for the childcare.

However, as a family , the only sensible way is to put all money coming into the house into the central pot, and then (depending on how much you have coming in vs how much you are committed to pay out), have a pot for savings (emergencies and longer term) and an equal amount each for 'spends' each month.

You must not accept this financial abuse you are currently living with.

[quote boymomma]@Ariela I paid for the childcare, it was quite low as half of the childcare I had family who could help so the fees only came to about £350 a month, when I lost my job we lost the money to be able to afford the childcare and wasn't worth keeping it going as I was at home then anyway, so that as a bill has sort of cancelled itself out with the money I lost from wages [/quote]
That 'bill' has NOT cancelled itself out. You are picking up that 'bill' by staying at home and doing the childcare. So at the very least he should contribute that £350!

@Therealjudgejudy

Financial abuse...again. I honestly dont understand women who procreate with these men that are abusive.

I shake my head over this daily.

Why let some stingy, selfish, immature git sire one's offspring? It boggles the mind.

@PinkiOcelot

I hadn’t read your post about the amounts you pay each month when I posted. I now think it’s worse than it was originally. You pay £500 a month more than him?! Fuck that!! That’s disgusting OP. Definitely financial abuse.

Plus she bought all the baby items out of her redundancy pay! He needs to fork over half of those costs, immediately.

If he balks at paying for baby gear, I'd take a good hard look at the status of the relationship.

@MaskingForIt

I paid for the childcare, it was quite low as half of the childcare I had family who could help so the fees only came to about £350 a month

So between you and your family, you covered all childcare? Why did he think that he didn’t need to provide any childcare? Isn’t the child his? He should be ashamed of himself of not providing for his child.

This x10.

It's like he thinks he's doing OP a favor letting her have kids, and he has no responsibility for them.

What age is he?

I'm shocked that he said your UC is "Free money" and that he works hard for "his". Dumbass. Everyone who pays their taxes are paying for people who are on UC. This means THEIR hard earned money is paying for someone else to live!

Anyway, your finances have clearly changed so you two need to come to an arrangement where he pays more bills so you have money left over. Something tells me he is stingy though.

[quote boymomma]@Drowninginwashing I'm quite taken back by your reply, I think it's amazing that your husband does that and doesn't make you feel inadequate. I definitely cannot go on as we are in my household. It's lovely that you have a loving equal relationship.
I have no doubt my partner loves me and our children he is a fantastic dad and partner but in this instance I can see now not so much [/quote]
Anytime you read 'he's a fantastic/great/brilliant dad' you can almost guarantee he's actually a weapons grade cunt.

He's had you subbing him to the tune of £6k/annum so he can keep his money. That's not love, that's rinsing someone.

He feels entitled to allow the taxpayer to support his kids so he can keep his money, rather than spend it on his own kids!

That's not a 'fantastic dad', that's a twat.

Exactly what Batshit says. A fantastic partner doesn't take the piss financially or otherwise.

I'm the same as Drowning, as are all my SAHM friends

Do I think it's unreasonable that a heavily pregnant woman who was made unemployed by a global pandemic should be made to all of her benefits to bills having nothing left over while the baby's father has money and a job?

Damn straight, was he raised by a pack of wolves? He's not supporting the mother of his child and his unborn child, because he thinks he deserves all his money and you none.

He's paying almost HALF OF WHAT YOU ARE WHEN YOU ARE UNEMPLOYED AND PREGNANT.

My boyfriend and I pay things proportionately to our income. Which means he pays 75% of all bills as he earns quadruple what I do (oh to be in finance). Our spending money is our own but things we both use are split this way.

Your DP is a dick and he’s taking you for a ride. You have kids together and he’s a) still making you split things and b) making you split in such an uneven way that’s disadvantaging you so much. This isn’t how you love and care for a partner.

My DH earns literally double what I do. I’m soon to have DC one so will be on maternity and then working part time, so earning even less. All our money goes in one pot, no division and I spend whatever I need to (bar big purchase decisions we make together) none of this ‘my money, your money’ we’re a team and our money is team money. You’re being mugged off.

OP just as you are asking about what other people do so thought I'd share. I don't have children. I work freelance in the cultural sector and at the moment just have one project. (which I'm super grateful for given the state of the sector) anyway I earn around £12k per year my partner earns just over £50K per year. We just share money but do have our own accounts. The bills come out of his account but I pay for my car insurance, fule and related bills. I pay for various extras like drinks out ext. Although obviously not really at the moment. If we need to but something big we will discuss how we will pay for it.

I think I'm quite fortunate in how relaxed about money he is. But I don't think your situation is fair or equal. You're looking after his child which would be costing money to enable him to go out and earn. It's not your fault you lost your job. His view that he is more entitled to disposable income because he works is dodgy. Especially as you seem to be going without things. Definitely not a partnership sorry.

If he had paid or contributed to the baby costs, your redundancy might h e supported you a while.

We pool funds, all into the bills account then after savings we split what’s left for personal spends.

When I was in unpaid bit of mat leave DH paid all bills and topped up my social fund. It wasn’t even a discussion really, he worked his arse off to get promoted so he could do so.

Ok so even before you were made redundant you a) earnt less than him b) paid 500 a month to the family lot more than him c) did everything round the house d) did all the childcare (or arranged/paid for others to do it)

You feel it isn't fair, because he is a total cheeky fucker! Normally 'I'm not good with bills' translates to 'I'll give you my half, but can you manage them', not 'I'm not good with them so won't pay any'.

Good grief OP you need to sort this out, and I suggest you are armed with how much extra you have paid into the family pot, in case he moans about paying more.

Sorry @boymomma but he has done a number in you.

I changed industries when we had our children to one which was more family friendly but also a big pay cut. We have always had equal disposable income. Even when at times that wasn't much.

For what it's worth, I did pay for most of the baby stuff but that was because I had really good bonuses at the time which we used. Similarly, we have used DH's bonus to pay for holidays.

Dont know why my comment was deleted. Anyways OP i hope you sort this out with him and dont let him take advantage of your easygoing nature...

I work part time (would cost more in childcare than i would earn doing an extra 2 days) DP full time. He earns more than me, we have a joint account for all household bills, he puts double what i put in, i generally pay for food an DC things. He probably has around 3 times as much disposable income than i do, but if i needed anything, he would probably help out.

Wtf happened to married couples sharing? Surely all the money should go into a joint bank account and money taken out by each person as and when they need it? Fucking awful that your husband is happy for you to go without especially when you are bringing up his child!

He sounds like he getting a good deal from this. Not nice. Ours is joint I dont work. I look on it I juggle all the home end/kids apts which allows him work so if I need something I buy it. He sounds very mean

Your food shop amount is not overly loads for 3 of you I would describe that as quite a well budgeted £40/50 a week. Doable at some where like Aldi.

Honestly OP.... your partner sounds abusive I have experience something similar I never gave my job up though. It’s not until I read a lot of comments on here that people split things according to their earnings which I think sounds a let better.

I don’t see why your left with no money what got me is the “free money” it’s not free and I would clear that up before the new arrival comes along.

You need to withhold some money so if you want to buy an item such as a lipstick you are able to do so.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

Because it’s not!

For starters you’re a FAMILY - not only morally but as far as dwp/govt are concerned!

Your UC Claim takes your partners income into account too so you’re getting less probably than if you were single! The govt presumes that he pays at least half of the HOUSEHOLDS outgoings - that is why it’s described as “living together as though you are married”

In addition if his income is higher he should be paying more towards joint outgoings - that’s true no matter where your income comes from, and quite honestly it’s disgusting of him to comment on it’s being “free” money and act as if you’re a lesser person because you’re not currently in paid work through no fault of your own. What an arse!!

You need and deserve his support and for him to recognise and acknowledge and APPRECIATE what you do at home, what you DO contribute to the family and his life/career.

He sounds like all the other financially abusive arseholes we read about on here almost on a daily basis. yep!

Agree he needs to AT LEAST pay half towards the babies things

You might be VERY interested to check what you’d have if you were single and on uc than with this person - who I agree is not behaving like a “partner”

Go on one of the benefits calculators and check.

Then do a list of potential income and outgoings if you were single - remember yes you’d have to cover the full rent yourself but your bills would be lower, not paying for his food and 25% council tax reduction

You might well discover you’re better off - financially at least - alone.

Similar to a pp the stuff you pay for comes to around £650 for me and stuff he pays for around £200! So I don’t think he’s JUST become financially abusive I think it’s op has just started to realise things aren’t right.

He’s not even covering half!

I've never seen it as abusive, it was just sort of what he suggested we do as he's "not good with bills" and I went with it. He doesn't deal with stress well and if I try and talk about the bills he clams up so it's easier if I just do it I call bullshit!

He’s not “no good with bills” he’s just a stingy twat!

In this day and age of direct debits, electronic banking, banking and budgeting apps - he has NO EXCUSE! It’s a piece of piss to be honest!

My ex was “no good with bills” but that just meant he trusted me to deal with them instead as I am good with that stuff, but he also knew I would act fairly.

EVERYONE gets stressed about money! But dealing with bills is a normal part of adulthood!

We had a joint current account and a joint savings account, initial teething troubles as he carried on spending like a single man living in barracks (what he had been), one major argument but once I showed him in simple black & white that he could understand “we have x coming in y going out and z left over but you’re spending z x ? (It was over 20 years ago)” he got it and realised he needed to be more sensible. He gradually taught himself how it all worked and is now someone who prides himself in being a sort of “bargain hunter” bills wise.

We were both earning similar at that time

BUT throughout our admittedly short marriage there were times he earned significantly more, times I did and times I wasn’t earning at all
(Army wife so each move it’d take a wee while to find a new job, then when on mat leave), we never changed HOW we arranged the finances in terms of it was always income pooled and each had same amount spending money.

HOWEVER, a word of caution - within 24 hours of me kicking him out (cheating) he’d cleaned both accounts out! He did this KNOWING that at the time I had no income or bank account of my own, had dd then still a toddler to care for and I didn’t find out until at the supermarket trying to buy weeks groceries and card declined! So humiliating and incredibly stressful! I had to borrow (basically accept charity from!) a neighbour I barely knew until I could set up an account of my own for my parents to transfer money into (was hundreds of miles from any family or friends).

Due to us being married I EVENTUALLY was reimbursed for what he’d taken but that took a couple years, but if we’d not been married there wouldn’t have been a thing I could do about it!

You’re also EXTREMELY vulnerable due to not being married op.

Absolutely outrageous you’re spending almost twice what he is!

He also should have paid AT LEAST half of the childcare - half his child! But actually he possibly should have paid more than half considering YOUR family were also providing childcare.

The children are the responsibility of BOTH of you so BOTH of you should be covering any costs associated with them.

It’s bad enough these dicks don’t support their “partners” during rough times, not to support their dc is disgusting!

Convenient. I bet he wouldn't clam up if the boot was on the other foot. exactly!

For me it was a dealbreaker not to be married before having children same here. Others argue that’s old fashioned and sexist - well we live in a patriarchal society still so yea! And as long as that persists women need to protect themselves by the few laws

We trust each other, talk/agree/review our budget, agree what we are saving for, and cut out cloth accordingly. same until we split

I have no doubt my partner loves me and our children he is a fantastic dad and partner honestly not being remotely sarcastic but how?!

He doesn’t support you and dc financially if anything YOU’RE supporting you all, he does no childcare, from sounds of it sod all chores either

When you talk to him if he won’t pay AT LEAST half the joint outgoings INCLUDING costs for dc straight down the middle at the very very least you should seriously consider leaving!

He should be ashamed of himself of not providing for his child.

Hear hear!!

He doesn’t just withhold money, he is withholding respect, support and consideration for a woman AND children he is SUPPOSED to love

YOU work hard too! Running a home and raising a family and being HEAVILY PREGNANT is bloody hard work!

What age is he? I’d lay odds several years older than op

I’d also bet good money HE is the one that doesn’t want to marry