Money!

[boymomma]

Hey everyone! So I got made redundant during the pandemic, before that I worked part time around looking after our 4 year old and I am now 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Before I was out of work I did all the cooking, cleaning etc bedtimes and I don't mind however it has been a bit harder since I've been in my third trimester however now I'm no longer working I felt even more so it was my duty to do this while my partner worked mon-Friday 9-5.

We now get universal credit, nothing has changed in terms of who pays what. So while I worked I payed the rent, water, gas and electric. My own phone bill and half of the car finance. My partner pays for his own phone bill, car insurance and all the food shops which varies week to week however he doesn't like spending more than about £40-50 a week which I think is more than enough for us three at the moment. And if we do anything on weekends he pays eg ice creams or lunchtimes out etc. And he puts all the fuel in the car. So it's pretty fair

Now I am not working I obviously don't have as much coming in, the universal credit we receive covers my half of the bills just. Then my partner is left with that he pays. I have £0 left over, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm trapped now we've had the virus and being heavily pregnant I have waited to find a new job until after the baby is born. I feel like I was always independent and now I have no money to do anything other than pay the bills. I don't know what I'm asking.. I guess I feel a bit hard done by that all the money for my side goes on bills and he has hundreds left over each month to buy new things. Maybe I'm a little jealous as I was able to do this when I worked. He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his. And I get what he means. I just feel a bit down that I struggle every month and worry about the bills when he's being able to save money. I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes. We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that and I'm happy, and the rest I've used to top up the UC each month for our bills.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

Please throw him out- your son does not need to grow up seeing your relationship model as normal. It’s abusive and toxic.

Also he’ll be worse off financially while you’ll be better off financially. so there’s that. Win win.

You will be much better off as a single claimant even if he doesn't pay child support (which he should).

He was only nice while things were going his way. What an utter cock.

This is awful. He is awful. Please leave him. I am so sad for you.

What a horrible man. This is who he is, though. Once you started asserting yourself, he showed his face. I hope you decide that you deserve more. No one should have to put up with abuse like this.

He's awful. What's your situation for the next year, OP? I see you're planning to do a course.

Your oldest is in school? What are the childcare arrangements for youngest while you're on your course?

I'm just thinking through practicalities for you if you took him up on his offer to move out (which would mean you got a single-person discount on your council tax, and could claim CMS).

Hey everyone, just thought I would update not sure if anyone is still following this thread.

So after a few days of tension at home and me being distant while I tried to figure out what to do next, I told DP that things wouldn't be right until we spoke about what was happening. He agreed.

We ended up talking for a while about how he had spoken to me that day and what I wanted from the original conversation. In the end he agreed that all money should be for the family and not separate, and told me it always was and he would never see me or the kids go without. I told him I wasn't happy to have to ask him for money and if the bills would continue to come out of my account then we would need to come up with a way of making it fairer with the rest of the money. We will now share any money left over from his earnings after bills, and within reason we both communicate on what we spend out of it so it's fair and we're not left without if things are needed.

I told him I want to feel more appreciated for the work I put in at home and yesterday when I came home with DS he had tidied the house to help me. I equally told him I appreciate that he goes out to work every day and he's told me he will support me in any way he can when I go want to go back to work with childcare/childcare costs.

I just want to say thank you to everyone on this post for giving me the push to speak up and demand the respect I deserved financially and emotionally. Although these are things that should naturally be happening in a relationship I'm happy that things will be fairer and less stressful going forward. Hopefully it continues!

This is a great development. Well done for stating your boundaries clearly and keeping communicating.

Good! Continue working on your boundaries and stick to them. A partnership is just that.

Currently my bills come to about £1,200 and his come to about £700 and he's earning more than me obviously.

This is one of the worst cases of financial abuse I’ve read recently on MN.

It was just sort of what he suggested we do as he's "not good with bills" and I went with it.

In the contrary, he’s very good with bills - that is, he’s good at getting you to pay them whilst saving his ow money.

I can't believe you stayed with him after he called you a slow scrounger who sits on her bum all day! Why would you want to be with a man who thinks like that of you?

Just read the last post, glad to hear it. Will the money be in a joint account? You need your own access to it.

That's great news OP, thanks for the update

I do agree that he has shown his true colours OP. Please put someone money aside each week in a secret account that he knows nothing about.

I know you think you don’t need it but every woman should have one, even in the happiest of relationships.

Great update, OP. I am pleased for you. Keep a good eye on it, don't be afraid to keep restating things if you need to.

I would advise you both to have your own accounts with a small amount of your own money in each month. Most stuff should come from the joint account (especially and including all kids costs) but it's good to have a bit of money for both of you you can spend without having to worry.

Not really a partnership as far as I can see...

As soon as you were made redundant a caring partner would have sat down with you to discuss how you were both going to manage and adapt your finances from then on.

Completely unacceptable behaviour on his part especially as you have kids together.

''He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his.'' I would show anyone who comes with this statement the door...

We share an account. I used to be the higher earner, we still shared the money. Now I'm a sahm, I dont work but claim tax credits. We still share our money. Otherwise its unfair, and I shouldn't have to ask for money.

Good update op. Well done for speaking up.

Well done for managing to drive a mature conversation op. I hope the language was a stress fuelled blip on his part and never to be repeated.

Well done for managing to come to an agreement, you should never feel undervalued or like you don’t deserve access to his money.

In our family I work 3 days, my partner works 5. All money goes into a joint account and we have an allowance of £150 personal spends a month. It’s not a lot, and we could take more (we’re currently saving for a house deposit) but it’s just nice that we have some money that we have instant access to should we want to spend it.

I’ve never been made to feel bad about having the same spending money as him as when I’m not at work those two days he is, I’m cooking, cleaning and raising our child.

I’d suggest you open up a joint account where all money goes and then both have individual accounts for your personal spends.