Money!

[boymomma]

Hey everyone! So I got made redundant during the pandemic, before that I worked part time around looking after our 4 year old and I am now 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Before I was out of work I did all the cooking, cleaning etc bedtimes and I don't mind however it has been a bit harder since I've been in my third trimester however now I'm no longer working I felt even more so it was my duty to do this while my partner worked mon-Friday 9-5.

We now get universal credit, nothing has changed in terms of who pays what. So while I worked I payed the rent, water, gas and electric. My own phone bill and half of the car finance. My partner pays for his own phone bill, car insurance and all the food shops which varies week to week however he doesn't like spending more than about £40-50 a week which I think is more than enough for us three at the moment. And if we do anything on weekends he pays eg ice creams or lunchtimes out etc. And he puts all the fuel in the car. So it's pretty fair

Now I am not working I obviously don't have as much coming in, the universal credit we receive covers my half of the bills just. Then my partner is left with that he pays. I have £0 left over, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm trapped now we've had the virus and being heavily pregnant I have waited to find a new job until after the baby is born. I feel like I was always independent and now I have no money to do anything other than pay the bills. I don't know what I'm asking.. I guess I feel a bit hard done by that all the money for my side goes on bills and he has hundreds left over each month to buy new things. Maybe I'm a little jealous as I was able to do this when I worked. He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his. And I get what he means. I just feel a bit down that I struggle every month and worry about the bills when he's being able to save money. I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes. We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that and I'm happy, and the rest I've used to top up the UC each month for our bills.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

He should be giving you some of his disposable income, surely? Whoever stays home or is not working should get an equal share from whoever is bringing in the money. Has he offered this? That’s what we do, equal amounts each, anything spare to joint savings

Out of interest are there any other ladies on here who don't work or earn considerably less than their partner or have the childcare responsibilities and how do you feel about money? Are you made to feel like it's still equal even though you aren't in a paying job but taking care of things at home?

I hadn’t read your post about the amounts you pay each month when I posted. I now think it’s worse than it was originally. You pay £500 a month more than him?! Fuck that!! That’s disgusting OP. Definitely financial abuse.

You're paying £1200 and your partner is paying £700 and your not working.
He is having a laugh, probably thinks as he earns his wages he's entitled to spend it.
You need to sit down and show him how much you spend compared to him.
If he doesn't suggest a fair division of bill's I'd seriously think about binning him.
I cant abide people who are not fair when it comes to finances and I'm always surprised on MN how many woman dont have any money of their own, it's like Victorian times

"if I try and talk about the bills he clams up so it's easier if I just do it."

Convenient. I bet he wouldn't clam up if the boot was on the other foot.

"I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes."

This sounds like a child/parent relationship, not two adults in a partnership raising a family.

Stressed my arse, he just doesn't want to talk about it because he's got a great deal. Bastard.

OP I’m sorry but he has taken you for an absolute mug. Seriously. He’s a fully grown adult and he can’t just shrug it off and say he’s not good with bills. It’s the most basic of math to see you have always been paying FAR more than him, despite you earning less. If he really is shocking at bills he could have asked if you minded organising them but he could just transfer you the money each month (and even that would be him shirking responsibility but at least he wouldn’t have been fleecing you too)

You should be furious.

@boymomma

Out of interest are there any other ladies on here who don't work or earn considerably less than their partner or have the childcare responsibilities and how do you feel about money? Are you made to feel like it's still equal even though you aren't in a paying job but taking care of things at home?

For me it was a dealbreaker not to be married before having children and to have equal access to money. All in one pot. No 50/50 like flatmates at uni, and I certainly didn't provide domestic services and sex to my flatmates in addition to paying my share of the bills (you have been paying over that odd and effectively paying to skivvy for and have sex with this man) because marriage is not a flatmate situation but a partnership. Anyone who was a sexist pig who saw lifework and childcare as 'women's work' and therefore not as valuable or equal to working outside the home I'd have divorced without a second thought (my libido would have also dried up immediately if I found out my spouse was a chauvinist pig).

We both work similar hours but he earns a lot more than more but we still put everything into one pot that everything comes out of, mortgage, bills, food, personal 'spends', money into our savings account - the only time we consult one another is when we want to make a large purchase i.e. furniture or a new telly for instance

I totally agree with you all, I just feel like how can I ask to be entitled to money he earns when I don't and am essentially getting benefits which again I'm not used to. The benefits are less than what I earned in my job of course and I wouldn't expect more, it's only meant to be temporary. His argument is that the benefits are basically there to pay the bills which is true. I will make sure when I go back to work that childcare is split because I have a feeling he will see it as the baby must go into childcare because I will be working and not doing the childcare myself but I could be wrong here

@boymomma

I totally agree with you all, I just feel like how can I ask to be entitled to money he earns when I don't and am essentially getting benefits which again I'm not used to. The benefits are less than what I earned in my job of course and I wouldn't expect more, it's only meant to be temporary. His argument is that the benefits are basically there to pay the bills which is true. I will make sure when I go back to work that childcare is split because I have a feeling he will see it as the baby must go into childcare because I will be working and not doing the childcare myself but I could be wrong here

He's mugging you off and taking you for a ride. Completely. He takes money off the taxpayer to feed his kid rather than be adult enough to provide for her himself. How are you not able to see that? You feel entitled to taxpayer money, which you are, but not from a person you have procreated with twice and is supposed to love you? He's really done a number on you.

OP I am a stay at home mum. Even when I was working full time, DH earned more. We always used to put our incomes together, paid all essential bills and family savings from the joint pot, and then equally split the remainder between us to spend on whatever we like. So we have the same disposable income each despite earnings disparity.

Now I have no income (don't qualify for any benefits) we do the same but obviously he earns it all. Never once has he made me feel that i am 'not contributing' or that he 'works for the money so should have more'. I am raising the children, which enables him to work. I also mostly do the shopping (with his money), cooking etc just because I am at home which enables him to not worry about all that (but this isn't part of the deal- he doesn't make me, it just works that way in practical terms).

I really feel for you. Your situation is unfair.

OP - when our earnings became mismatched (pregnancy leave, etc) we started a joint account. I never have to ask for money. We trust each other, talk/agree/review our budget, agree what we are saving for, and cut out cloth accordingly.

@Drowninginwashing I'm quite taken back by your reply, I think it's amazing that your husband does that and doesn't make you feel inadequate. I definitely cannot go on as we are in my household. It's lovely that you have a loving equal relationship.
I have no doubt my partner loves me and our children he is a fantastic dad and partner but in this instance I can see now not so much

he suggested we do as he's "not good with bills" and I went with it.

That’s convenient for him.

He doesn't deal with stress well and if I try and talk about the bills he clams up so it's easier if I just do it

Also convenient. Does he always run away from responsibility? If he can’t handle adult life, why on Earth is he having children?!

Wow. My take:

Food bill is not equal to rent + all utilities for a month! You've been paying a larger share of the bills than him for quite some time.

You work PT, so have taken on more of the childcare. Which might be ok, if he took on more of the bills to compensate. But he's still insisting you pay your half! In which case he needs to start doing his half of the childcare.

So what if you're using UC to pay your share of the bills? It doesn't mean you have to spend every penny and don't have anything for yourself. If your half of the bills are less than your UC income, why should you pay more than half of the bills?

If he's so intent on splitting expenses fairly, he needs to reimburse you for his half of the baby's stuff.

...he's been taking you for a ride, m'dear. You feel obliged to do more of the housework because you only work PT... but he hasn't felt obliged to pay more of the bills because you only work PT, has he?

You need to reset:
Calculate your actual joint outgoings per month. Split it down the middle.
Also work out how many days of childcare you do. Split it down the middle. If you want, he can negotiate you taking on some of 'his' childcare if he takes on some of 'your' bills.
Work out a list of chores. Split them down the middle.
And he needs to pay you back for his share of the baby stuff.

I paid for the childcare, it was quite low as half of the childcare I had family who could help so the fees only came to about £350 a month

So between you and your family, you covered all childcare? Why did he think that he didn’t need to provide any childcare? Isn’t the child his? He should be ashamed of himself of not providing for his child.

I'm quite shocked now at how much more equal it could be hearing your replies and how other people live.

I’m shocked that you’re shocked about the existence of equality in people’s relationships. You’ve held a job down for 9 years and supported yourself, don’t let this chancer take advantage of you and all you’ve worked for.

You are doing most of his share of the childcare looking after your joint kids, as well as your own. So he needs to pay most of your joint bills, your share, as well as his own. If you add up all joint bills including childcare, kids clothes, rent etc etc, then work out what % money you both bring in, and split the bills accordingly it would be fairer. E.g £1000 bills, his wages £1200, her wages £600, joint income £1800. He gets 66% of the income, she gets 33% so he pays £666 towards joint bills. She pays £333. Both still have money left her £267, him £534 earner still has more. Or you put the whole £1800 into a pot, pay bills, then pay bills, split the leftover 50/50 so get £400 each to spend.

His argument is that the benefits are basically there to pay the bills which is true.

No it’s not. Your benefits are there to support YOU and to pay YOUR share of the bills. Your benefits aren’t there to subsidise him.

Quoting @LannieDuck because you need to read this twice:

You need to reset:
Calculate your actual joint outgoings per month. Split it down the middle.
Also work out how many days of childcare you do. Split it down the middle. If you want, he can negotiate you taking on some of 'his' childcare if he takes on some of 'your' bills.
Work out a list of chores. Split them down the middle.
And he needs to pay you back for his share of the baby stuff.

@Therealjudgejudy

Financial abuse...again. I honestly dont understand women who procreate with these men that are abusive.

They don't all start off as abusive.

I've never seen it as abusive, it was just sort of what he suggested we do as he's "not good with bills" and I went with it. He doesn't deal with stress well and if I try and talk about the bills he clams up so it's easier if I just do it

I'm not "good with money" either. DH deals with bills etc, as he's better at keeping track, but we both contribute the same amount. It's a poor excuse; he doesn't have to physically pay them to contribute.

Hmm so you bought mist of the baby things out of your redundancy money, so I would be pulling out all the bills and presenting them to him with the comment you owe me xx for your half of our child’s things

What would he do if UC did not cover the bills?

That’s why you need to use good contraceptives and have a conversation about money before getting pregnant. Sadly too many women are desperate for a baby and will get pregnant hoping the man will step up, and are then financially rinsed when they don’t.