Money!

[boymomma]

Hey everyone! So I got made redundant during the pandemic, before that I worked part time around looking after our 4 year old and I am now 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Before I was out of work I did all the cooking, cleaning etc bedtimes and I don't mind however it has been a bit harder since I've been in my third trimester however now I'm no longer working I felt even more so it was my duty to do this while my partner worked mon-Friday 9-5.

We now get universal credit, nothing has changed in terms of who pays what. So while I worked I payed the rent, water, gas and electric. My own phone bill and half of the car finance. My partner pays for his own phone bill, car insurance and all the food shops which varies week to week however he doesn't like spending more than about £40-50 a week which I think is more than enough for us three at the moment. And if we do anything on weekends he pays eg ice creams or lunchtimes out etc. And he puts all the fuel in the car. So it's pretty fair

Now I am not working I obviously don't have as much coming in, the universal credit we receive covers my half of the bills just. Then my partner is left with that he pays. I have £0 left over, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm trapped now we've had the virus and being heavily pregnant I have waited to find a new job until after the baby is born. I feel like I was always independent and now I have no money to do anything other than pay the bills. I don't know what I'm asking.. I guess I feel a bit hard done by that all the money for my side goes on bills and he has hundreds left over each month to buy new things. Maybe I'm a little jealous as I was able to do this when I worked. He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his. And I get what he means. I just feel a bit down that I struggle every month and worry about the bills when he's being able to save money. I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes. We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that and I'm happy, and the rest I've used to top up the UC each month for our bills.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

@Shedpaint hello, I did mention it. Although I got a bit upset (hormones) because I felt really strongly about it and he didn't understand at all. He thought I was being quite unreasonable and said he doesn't know why I "need" to have money. I explained that I don't "need" it just to have it. It was hard trying to get my point across. He said that he doesn't know why I don't just ask if I need something and that we should discuss an allowance. He said I chose for it to be this way because I'm out of work? Even though it was not my fault. And when I said it's pretty difficult for me to work right now seeing as I take care of our 4 year old around school, and am 8 months pregnant. Which he told me are just excuses??

I was quite shocked as I thought he would understand so maybe I didn't explain it as well as I could have. So I've agreed to the allowance although I hate calling it that as it's more than I have right now. I just kept getting upset which made it 10x worse and ruined the conversation. I will bring it up again later when my son is in bed I think and try to talk it through.

Thank you to everyone who replied

Oh no. Was hoping for a better outcome to your chat. It is NOT your fault for explaining it wrong, it is a very simple point and he shouldn't need it explaining at all!! Don't let him make you feel bad!

An allowance??!! Wtaf
He'd be out the door before he could breathe

You are not his child - you are an adult with equal responsibilities for your family's life - albeit you do different things to contribute

I would be asking him
Why does he need money? (Bring as he asked you the same question)
Why does he think he should contribute FAR LESS than you do?

Out of interest, how much 'allowance' is he proposing?

I would be a combination of furious and devastated OP - glad you brought up the conversation but gutted at the shocking outcome so far

He sounds like an absolute pig OP.

Your dp should be paying more, don't let it carry on as it is. My exh made the excuse he was bad with money, I paid the mortgage & all the bills, when we split up he refused to move out of the house even though it was in my sole name. I had to sofa surf with ds until we managed to get a council house. If he won't contribute more, then dump him, you will get more universal credit & get your rent paid if you are on your own with 2 children.

You've been subbing him to the tune of £6k a year and now he gives you a paltry 'allowance' like a fucking hired hand - head cook and chief bottle washer with sexual services. He's financially abusive, you don't see it so you accept it. Sad. I'd rather be a lone parent on UC than with a dickhead like this.

He said I chose for it to be this way because I'm out of work?

What a fucking arsehole.

From now on I would be very pedantic and make sure every single expense is split down the middle. Invoice him for the childcare you do (50% of it). Any medical expenses medicine etc you need due to pregnancy. I would also invoice him for half of your lost pension contributions, make sure any child related expenses are split 50/50 etc.

Since you have nothing left after paying bills why not split 50/50 what he has leftover at the end of the month

I think your all right, and I've been ridiculously naive. I don't spend much and I don't need much but it was the principle I was trying to explain that I should have something left over even if it's small.

I told him if we split the finances fairly he would have only a quarter to live on that he does now and he said he couldn't live on that and would rather move out and get his own place? Which makes 0 sense as he would pay even more again!

He said he can spend the money he earns as he likes because he works damn hard for it. And I don't dispute that at all. I tried to say that what I do is work for me too he doesn't wash a dish or even pick up his clothes. I do absolutely everything at home which I don't mind as I'm not in paid employment right now but I thought he would understand just a little bit at least. I just wish I hadn't gotten upset. Because after that he said he couldn't talk to me because it was annoying. I tried to say that we are a family and money should be shared and he just made it out to be that he works hard and I dont so why should we share.

He's always saying to our DS how mummy does everything and they both appreciate me etc but it doesn't feel like it from the conversation.

He kept saying to me what am I getting at or what am I trying to get from the conversation and I said I just want it to be fairer and he didn't get it at all.

It's made me worry about the future of our relationship but I'm not letting it go. And if I need something from now on I will not hesitate to ask him for it

You’re not married, right?

In your situation I’d suggest 4 accounts: yours, his, bills, food & spends.

Bills: total them all up, all paid by direct debit from that account, you both put in enough to cover 50% each.

Food & spends: agree an amount for groceries in a month, and ice creams out etc. Again, you each put in 50%. Make sure kid costs like clothes etc come from there.

Your own accounts are for what’s left over.

He said once I'm working we can then split the finances half each but not until then. But I told him that if I was in work full time, after childcare costs for one full time child and one part time we wouldn't be any better off than we are now. Which will be the case once I am back at work and that's absolutely fine, but he thinks because I don't technically work for the money I get that it wouldn't be fair to split finances right now. The crazy thing is, the way he explains it makes me start to think he is right when I know it's not!

Why not just share all money coming in? The Uc is joint as it's a joint claim. It will go up when your second child is born by another £231 a month plus the extra child benefit also so you'll have more coming in. have one account, pay both yourselves some spending money if you can afford to and shared bills and food all come out of the same account.

X-post.

Tell him he needs to pay you the going rate for childcare, then. If he wants to “work hard for HIS money” then, as a father, he needs childcare, otherwise he’s taking the 4-year-old to work with him. He can’t work without you doing childcare.

Ugh.

I’d tell him to move out then. Twat.

@boymomma

He said once I'm working we can then split the finances half each but not until then. But I told him that if I was in work full time, after childcare costs for one full time child and one part time we wouldn't be any better off than we are now. Which will be the case once I am back at work and that's absolutely fine, but he thinks because I don't technically work for the money I get that it wouldn't be fair to split finances right now. The crazy thing is, the way he explains it makes me start to think he is right when I know it's not!

The childcare costs are not just your responsibility, it needs to come out of a joint account. On Universal credit you will also get help with childcare costs. He sounds like he's financially abusive, he wants to keep wages for himself and have control but you are one household. I bet when your Uc goes up, he will suddenly want to share.

he doesn't wash a dish or even pick up his clothes. I do absolutely everything at home

Well, you’re not getting paid to service his life, are you? So I’d stop. Honestly, he needs a proper Come To Jesus conversation.

I hate selfish blokes like him.

Don't take an "allowance" ffs.

Charge him for half of his bills!

Why does he get the ability to save when you are covering his rent? Tell him from now on you're splitting everything down the middle. He's treating your money as if it is his and his money as if it is his.

@NoSquirrels

he doesn't wash a dish or even pick up his clothes. I do absolutely everything at home

Well, you’re not getting paid to service his life, are you? So I’d stop. Honestly, he needs a proper Come To Jesus conversation.

I hate selfish blokes like him.

Never understand why women put up with this honestly what kind of partnership is it.

I told him if we split the finances fairly he would have only a quarter to live on that he does now and he said he couldn't live on that and would rather move out and get his own place? Which makes 0 sense as he would pay even more again!

Sounds great! He can move out. Your UC will go up. He probably won't qualify for it at all, will have all his bills to pay, child maintenance to pay, have to pick up his own shorts and clean them and won't have you to use and abuse.

He's financially abusive and a sexist, selfish, lazy twat on top of that.

He's not in a family or a team player at all. What's his is his and what's your is his, too.

Fuck that. You're flogging a dead horse here and it's already cost you a fortune.

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

I told him if we split the finances fairly he would have only a quarter to live on that he does now and he said he couldn't live on that and would rather move out and get his own place? Which makes 0 sense as he would pay even more again!

Sounds great! He can move out. Your UC will go up. He probably won't qualify for it at all, will have all his bills to pay, child maintenance to pay, have to pick up his own shorts and clean them and won't have you to use and abuse.

He's financially abusive and a sexist, selfish, lazy twat on top of that.

He's not in a family or a team player at all. What's his is his and what's your is his, too.

Fuck that. You're flogging a dead horse here and it's already cost you a fortune.

Yeah, if his response is not "oh, sorry darling, I just wasn't thinking clearly," then he's out for No. 1 only.

There's no relationship here.

@NoSquirrels

X-post.

Tell him he needs to pay you the going rate for childcare, then. If he wants to “work hard for HIS money” then, as a father, he needs childcare, otherwise he’s taking the 4-year-old to work with him. He can’t work without you doing childcare.

Except that guys like this really deep down don't give a shit about their kids. He'd leave before he'd exert himself to care for them.

What do you get from this relationship? He doesn't support you financially or (by the sounds of it) emotionally. He does nothing round the house and treats you like an unpaid skivvy. He belittles your concerns about finances. Honestly it sounds as though you'd be better off if he did move out as he's threatened!

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

He said I chose for it to be this way because I'm out of work?

What a fucking arsehole.

Yes. OP you can do so much better. He's utterly using you.

He chose to create children and that's when his ability to spend as he pleases ended. Full stop. Can't undo it. Tell him that, and that his primary role is to provide for his family, not himself.

Would be very interested in his response. And tell him to fuck off for calling you annoying.

Do you have family who can help you?

Could you write it all down in black and white how Much you each pay and how much the joint bills are including ALL child related things In the joint column and then he will that the percentage you pay is so much higher and needs sorting out