Money!

[boymomma]

Hey everyone! So I got made redundant during the pandemic, before that I worked part time around looking after our 4 year old and I am now 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Before I was out of work I did all the cooking, cleaning etc bedtimes and I don't mind however it has been a bit harder since I've been in my third trimester however now I'm no longer working I felt even more so it was my duty to do this while my partner worked mon-Friday 9-5.

We now get universal credit, nothing has changed in terms of who pays what. So while I worked I payed the rent, water, gas and electric. My own phone bill and half of the car finance. My partner pays for his own phone bill, car insurance and all the food shops which varies week to week however he doesn't like spending more than about £40-50 a week which I think is more than enough for us three at the moment. And if we do anything on weekends he pays eg ice creams or lunchtimes out etc. And he puts all the fuel in the car. So it's pretty fair

Now I am not working I obviously don't have as much coming in, the universal credit we receive covers my half of the bills just. Then my partner is left with that he pays. I have £0 left over, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm trapped now we've had the virus and being heavily pregnant I have waited to find a new job until after the baby is born. I feel like I was always independent and now I have no money to do anything other than pay the bills. I don't know what I'm asking.. I guess I feel a bit hard done by that all the money for my side goes on bills and he has hundreds left over each month to buy new things. Maybe I'm a little jealous as I was able to do this when I worked. He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his. And I get what he means. I just feel a bit down that I struggle every month and worry about the bills when he's being able to save money. I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes. We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that and I'm happy, and the rest I've used to top up the UC each month for our bills.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

OP - I am really sorry. He is really doing a number on you. I could just about imagine someone being dense enough to not realise how catastropically unfair your previous/current financial arrangements were/are if it has never been discussed. But the ONLY reasonable response to you pointing it out is a massive apology, immediate change and an offer to "pay back" half the things you have already paid. The fact that he has hasn't done this - and then tried to blame you for having been made redundant - rather than reassuring you even more that you are a team at such a horrible time - is pretty unforgivable to me. I wouldn't want to be with such an unpleasant man.

If you don't deserve any respect unless you have a job - may I suggest you get up before him tomorrow and go out - leave him alone with your child - so that you can job hunt. It might at least make the point that you are facilitating his working by providing childcare for your shared child. If he rings you to ask you where you are - you are following his logic - you don't get to have any money unless you are earning so you are prioritising that! He can arrange and pay for childcare for the day.

He doesn’t respect you, and he thinks the state should pay for his kids instead of him. It’s disgraceful. The UC is a top up to what he earns to support his family, all the wage should be spent first. You’re working looking after your child and the house and preparing for the next child. Where’s your money for you? Why are there so many men that think like this it’s honestly disgusting.

That does sound financiallly abusive - he's not paying his fair share, and wasn't even while you were working.

An alternative might be to split whatever is left over from the joint income after bills, food and kiddie stuff, in two and have half each.

Maintaining a home and looking after kids might be unpaid, but it is hard work and you deserve as much spending money as he gets,if you are living together.

NB: not sure how you can be eligible for UC if you are living together and he is working!

@Meeziemee they most likely like somewhere with sky high rent on low income.

So this man wants to play at being a family while treating his finances like a single man. Why did you use your redundancy money on baby stuff? Surely he should have paid half? He doesn’t pay rent Or utilities but still gets all his needs seen to - how very convenient!

So its only a partnership to him, when he gets the most out of it?
And working outside the home is much more 'worthy' of being treated fairly than doing absolutely everything in the home?
He wanted you to have a child but wasn't prepared to financially contribute any more than he was before you were pregnant?
And being 8 months pregnant and there being a pandemic resulting in mass unemployment are just excuses for not working?
What do you need money for anyway? I mean maybe because you can do fuck all with no money! But he cant live on less than 450 spending money a month apparently.
You cant argue with him because he is pretending to be stupid and illogical and he doesn't care that he is being unfair to you because it benefits him. He is fundamentally selfish.

I'm sorry OP I dont think there is any way back from this at all. He has shown you he doesnt give a shit about you or your children. You have been subbing him even though you're not working!

Just ask yourself one thing. In a long term partnership, if he had been made redundant, or was ill, or very unhappy at work and wanted time off to retrain, or couldnt work for a period due to any other circumstances e.g. caring responsibilities for parents etc...would you have said well tough you've got no spending money and it's all your own fault anyway, you don't need money anyway, oh and I expect half the bills still even if it cripples you financially? Of course you wouldn't because you sound like a decent person. And if the tables had been turned like that, would he have sat down and accepted it while not being able to afford a takeaway coffee while you bought yourself nice clothes etc? Of course not.

Partnerships just cant work if they are not a two way street.

I wouldn’t be doing his washing anytime soon, like anytime in the next millennium. I really think you should look at how much you’d have coming in with single uc, council tax single discount and child maintenance. At the very least you know what your options look like.

I tried to talk to him again today, it was so much worse. He said everyone has the same 24 hours in a day and it's my fault I have no money because I don't work. He said I'm a scrounger and has noticed it more since I brought up the topic of money. He told me my money should cover the bills because that is why it's given to me yet again. He's gone and spent £100 this weekend and doesn't even know on what. When I questioned it he said I'm negative and it doesn't matter where it went and it isn't my business.

I'm so upset I don't know what to do. He called me a scrounger in front of our son. I'm just sat at home crying wondering how it got to this and how I'm going to past it when I'm about to have our second child. He mentioned moving out again. I don't understand it. He said I sit at home all day on my arse, which I don't. My son has only just started school and I do every inch of cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking etc. I'm also at university which starts again at the beginning of next month which I will be doing while having a newborn baby.

I feel so under valued. He made me feel like an absolute bum who deserves nothing 😞

Well, now you know who he truely is.

I'm not a poster who would lightly advise anyone to leave their partner, but I couldn't live with someone who thinks so little of me, apart from the financial abuse.

Call Women's Aid and talk through your situation. People sometimes think abuse is only about physical abuse, but it isn't, it covers financial abuse and also emotional abuse.

I genuinely think you would be better off as a single Mum - definitely emotionally, and, from what I understand (am no expert) probably financially. Very scary for you I know, but what are you gaining from having him live with you ? Take him up on his "threat! to move out. Then get advice from people who know what to do next, from WA.

He said it's okay if it takes me time to understand because I'm slow. It's disgusting the put downs. I'm starting to realise that it this the relationship I thought it was

He is vile, tell him to leave.

Claim child maintenance via CMS you will be better off and not have to listen to his nastiness ever again!

You deserve so much more and better. You are not lazy, you are contributing with childcare and all domestics - doing the work of a nanny and cleaner and housekeeper....

Tell him to move out and change to claim as a single person and phone CMS as well.

What an abusive dick head.

OP - you need to leave this man and do it before the baby arrives.

I’ve not read the whole thread but I can tell from your posts that everyone is telling you he’s awful.

He is.

When I was on mat leave I only got SMP and went from over £2k per month to about £600.

We added together our money, paid everything joint, and split the rest equally. I’ve never once justified what I spend my money on; I don’t have to hide packages or purchases; if we’ve overspent I just tell him and he transfers his share.

I’m back at work part time now and we still do this.

Your partner is a mean and abusive man and the sooner you separate the better.

@boymomma

He said it's okay if it takes me time to understand because I'm slow. It's disgusting the put downs. I'm starting to realise that it this the relationship I thought it was

Lady you do not deserve this abuse. He is treating you appallingly. Kick him out, you’ll be fine on your own and can manage all your own money and your own house without this deadbeat.

Is the house a private rent?

Hello, yes the house is privately rented.
I just feel really tired of it and sad that I haven't really realised how shit it was until now. In other aspects we have so much fun and laugh together I feel safe and loved but it's the control. I'm starting to think we don't mean anything to him at all. I told him I'll go back to work when the baby is born but we will have to pay substantial childcare and half it as I'm not willing to only pay it myself and he didn't say anything. He's just said I'm pathetic and that is all he has to say apparently.

I'm gutted

Not surprised you are gutted.

He wants a partner and possibly DC but only as a means to support him, do the domestics, provide sex

Tell him to leave, OP.

An awful lot of abuse either ramps up to unacceptable levels or reveals itself once children are born - you’re pregnant with no.2 and I’m sRory to say that’s classic for this kind of thing. What you wouldn’t notice when you’re out earning and have your independence becomes in stark relief when you’re tied to the home with childcare responsibilities and they’re not.

Maybe he’s a good bloke deep down just with some trauma and issues around money. Maybe he’s not (he’s not sounding at all great).

Either way you’d be better off emotionally without negativity, and someone who thinks so little of you. And you’d be better off financially. He doesn’t pull his weight at home so no difference there, except you’re not also in charge of looking after him domestically as well as the children.

Kick him out. Stand strong.

I’m really sorry

Show him where the door is, you will be better off without him, you don't need the treatment he is dealing out. He is abusing you, gaslighting, the financial abuse is bad enough, but then he is gaslighting you by saying you are slow & idle. Tell him that he can move out whenever he wants, you will have more money & won't have to put up with being abused like you are now.

OP just wanted to say that I’m so sorry. Don’t listen to any of the horrible things that he’s saying to you, he’s the problem, not you.

He is saying these nasty things to deflect from the fact you are in the right and he knows it. He believes you are so worn down you will put up and shut up.

No one who loves you would say those things to you.

He doesn't see paying for the food in his kids' mouths as his duty. What an arsehole. You'll be better off on your own as you'll get more UC to help with childcare and he'll have to pay what the CMS says. Git.

Telling you that you're slow and pathetic is horrible beyond belief.

Let me tell you know op, he is the scrounger. What’s yours is his and what’s his is his. He doesn’t even want to pay his fair share. He is a disgrace.

I was a sahm for 10 years and dh, while not perfect, would rather do without so I could have something and vice versa. Next time he mentions moving out tell him to sling his hook. You will be better without him.

*now not know!!