Money!

[boymomma]

Hey everyone! So I got made redundant during the pandemic, before that I worked part time around looking after our 4 year old and I am now 33 weeks pregnant with our second. Before I was out of work I did all the cooking, cleaning etc bedtimes and I don't mind however it has been a bit harder since I've been in my third trimester however now I'm no longer working I felt even more so it was my duty to do this while my partner worked mon-Friday 9-5.

We now get universal credit, nothing has changed in terms of who pays what. So while I worked I payed the rent, water, gas and electric. My own phone bill and half of the car finance. My partner pays for his own phone bill, car insurance and all the food shops which varies week to week however he doesn't like spending more than about £40-50 a week which I think is more than enough for us three at the moment. And if we do anything on weekends he pays eg ice creams or lunchtimes out etc. And he puts all the fuel in the car. So it's pretty fair

Now I am not working I obviously don't have as much coming in, the universal credit we receive covers my half of the bills just. Then my partner is left with that he pays. I have £0 left over, I'm struggling because I feel like I'm trapped now we've had the virus and being heavily pregnant I have waited to find a new job until after the baby is born. I feel like I was always independent and now I have no money to do anything other than pay the bills. I don't know what I'm asking.. I guess I feel a bit hard done by that all the money for my side goes on bills and he has hundreds left over each month to buy new things. Maybe I'm a little jealous as I was able to do this when I worked. He says it's fair that I pay the bills with the UC because it's free money and he works hard for his. And I get what he means. I just feel a bit down that I struggle every month and worry about the bills when he's being able to save money. I feel like if I asked to borrow/have some money for something I needed ie a mascara (although not a necessity) or a new set of pyjamas etc he would probably say yes. We have all the baby stuff as we spent the majority of my redundancy pay on that and I'm happy, and the rest I've used to top up the UC each month for our bills.

Why do I feel like it's not fair, even though I'm not working. Anyone?

He does get it. All of it. He knows.
He is choosing to play that card and try to make you seem unreasonable and lazy/grabby because it keeps you in your place. He wants you to be grateful and he wants to do what he wants with the family money.

Do not doubt yourself

You are a full time mum and housekeeper 24/7 and yet apparently do not deserve to have any money available to you.
His job trumps everything- to the point he is incapable of even picking up his pants.

He is suggesting you chose to lose your job, don’t deserve the benefits you receive and so should give them all up to pay the bills that are his also.

He wants you to put every single penny you get via any means towards household expenses and yet all he will contribute is food and he also controls and dictates how much that is.
He allows himself the role of benevolent ice cream buyer on a weekend whilst you can deal with the less glamorous business of paying for essentials like gas and electricity because he ‘doesn’t do bills’.
How convenient.

He is abusive OP
Your tears during the conversation were absolutely because he is gaslighting you. They are not because you are foolish or weak they are because he is being abusive. I would be crying if I’d been you.

This is not a healthy relationship

Spell it out in writing on a spreadsheet. Less chance of crying if you don't have to plead your case verbally. For every £ he puts in, you'll do the same and stick to it.

That is horrible he sounds so controlling. Not nice having to ask for money. Feel for you. Ours is joint account.

He doesn't even pay to support his own kids, he gets you and the taxpayer to do that. That's how much he thinks of 'his' money. He's not a 'fantastic' dad, he's a manipulative, gaslighting, selfish, abusive prick.

I have always worked, ( mostly self employed). My dh and I have a joint account and personal accounts.
When I was on maternity leave my dh would put half his earnings in the joint account ( covered mortgage ,bills etc) and the other half would be split equally between our personal accounts . In fact, he used to give me more, as he thought it was the least that he could do as I had just given birth to his child.

Your dp is a selfish and has been taking you for a ride.

You will be better off in every way if he moves out

Financially
Less housework
Less laundry
No more criticism

Who knows he may even bother to take his child out on his own as after all that is the only way he will see them...

This man is an absolute dick.

Pool all income together, pay all bills etc out of
It and what's left gets divided by 2. Surely that's the fairest way to do it?

You would be better off on your own, you would get more universal credit & he would have to pay child maintenance. Next time he says that he wants to leave, remind him he would have to pay 16% of his income for 2 children & he would be in sole charge at keast every other weekend.

I don't get how any adult can claim that they get confused with bills etc and don't like talking about it, yet they manage to hold down a full time job. No you can do it, you're just frankly too lazy. Bills is just maths, pay - bills = money left over. If you can't subtract, even with a calculator, how are you capable of doing a job?

Now you're 33 weeks pregnant are you entitled to make a claim for maternity allowance? It was a lifesaver for me when I lost my job during pregnancy. Or does that affect universal credit?

He said he can spend the money he earns as he likes because he works damn hard for it.

I'm raging on your behalf. How dare he.

OP, dh and I have always shared our finances. I've usually earned way more than him, and been in jobs that are more stressful than his. But I would never dream of saying that to him, or denying him access to the money I earned. It's our money.

I would call him on it then OP. You'll probably be better off without him. Run it through the calculator online. and then present it to him and ask if he thinks you're relationship is worth the £X you are losing by being with him

I think another big question you should ask yourself is do you want to be with a man who will treat you this unfairly? How little love and respect can he have for you if he is willing to see you have no money at the end of the month?

@Nat6999

You would be better off on your own, you would get more universal credit & he would have to pay child maintenance. Next time he says that he wants to leave, remind him he would have to pay 16% of his income for 2 children & he would be in sole charge at keast every other weekend.

Bad move. He'll tell her he'll go for 50/50 so he won't be due maintenance. He could technically do this. But of course, on the flip side, he won't be obligated to take them every other weekend or at all so this is an empty threat to make to him.

Thing is, though, the OP would still be better off financially without him and definitely mentally without being treated like an unappreciated skivvy and picking up after a selfish, useless, lazy adult.

OP I am so sad for you, this is awful.

You sound like house mates more than a partnership with kids

A man who cares about you would not happily keep hundreds of pounds to himself while you were worrying about how to pay the rent OP.

Approach it from the point of view of how much he owes you - now you need that back.
Put everything over the last few years in a spreadsheet. He'll probably owe you in excess of £10,000.
Give your head a wobble - why on earth did you spend your redundancy? He could have paid for everything.
Get really tight and mean now OP. You've been taken for a mug.

This is financial abuse.

When a baby comes all money is family money.

All our money goes into one pot in the joint account from which bills come out of. We have our own individual account and each have our own monthly ‘pocket money’ to do with how we please. Anything left over each month goes into joint savings account.

This is awful. You should not be "asking" for change, you need to demand it and make it happen. It is not for him to decide unilaterally.

He said once I'm working we can then split the finances half each but not until then. - until you're working then, you can invoice him for physical services to the family (growing a baby), childcare, housekeeping, cleaning, admin etc.

He is absolutely not a good dad if he's financially abusing the mother of his kids.

He said he can spend the money he earns as he likes because he works damn hard for it. And I don't dispute that at all.

Ok, well in that case he needs to pay half the bills, do half the childcare and half the chores.

It's financial abuse.
See what he says when you present him with an invoice for the 40 weeks you're carrying his baby and then the subsequent invoice for risking your life bearing his baby.

And then all the invoices for feeding, changing nappies, waking up in the night etc. Because I've got a feeling he's not going to be doing a lot of that, abusive men like this never do.

He should move out then. What a prick.

I don’t understand his reasoning for why it shouldn’t be 50-50- why are you paying more? Why did you spend all your redundancy money on baby things? Your relationship is shit and abusive - kick the prick out. I’m so angry on your behalf I can’t sleep.

As the saying goes... he's shown you who he really is... believe him.

Get rid.

You will get more in benefits.
Your living costs will drop in some respects.
You'll have less housework to do as you won't be cooking, cleaning or picking up after him.

Win win all round.