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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's BU over our adult DC's bedroom?

204 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 10/09/2020 19:35

Background. When our DD (now20ys) started University, we ensured she had all the necessities and home comforts to get her going. This covered everything from pots, pans, cutlery and crockery, new bedding, storage, lamps, towels, cleaning products etc..

When she was home full time, she had a very big bedroom, whilst her brother (then 13) was in the smallest bedroom. It was agreed once settled at Uni, I would swap the rooms over, as it made sense the biggest room was being used, and that DS had a lot of stuff and was cramped in the smaller room. All good, DD understood and was happy.

As DD was moving into a much smaller room, I completely redecorated and furnished. The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!

Anyhow, she has just gone back into her third year. And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc..

Now DP thinks IABU to be annoyed, as these things were in her room and fair game to take.

I think I am fine to feel miffed. I put a lot of effort to make the room lovely for when she comes home, and all the things she took she didn't need to, as she has those things already.

DP knows I am writing this. So if i am BU. Slate me gently!

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 10/09/2020 19:36

id be happy she was making her uni accommodation more like home and getting use of the items

Casmama · 10/09/2020 19:37

It is either stuff for her in which case she can take it and you should be pleased she likes it so much or it belongs to you and she has use of it like a hotel room. Your choice but I think your dp is right

Feelingconfused2020 · 10/09/2020 19:39

Bedding is one thing but not sure I would be happy about furniture or wall art. I think she should have asked you and made sure she replaced the stuff she took with her other stuff so that you can still accommodate guests.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 10/09/2020 19:39

Aargh, it’s a tough one. I guess you should have made it clear that those things weren’t presents to her but the fixtures of that room.

katy1213 · 10/09/2020 19:39

She certainly should have asked - so why didn't you just say no? I'd be annoyed too - but I wouldn't have let it happen. And I assume somebody gave her a lift with all that stuff?

Cattiwampus · 10/09/2020 19:39

Ah children. So annoying when they make independent decisions you disagree with. She thought it was her stuff and took it.
So, YABU, but you need to decide if it’s her room, or a lovely guest room in your home she uses when she’s there. Then tell her your decision.
What’s she done with the stuff you bought her in the first place?

Throckmorton · 10/09/2020 19:43

Surely it's her stuff, and is she takes it to uni that just means she can't have it at home, but she's the only one affected by that, so it's her choice?

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/09/2020 19:43

I can really understand how it's annoying for you that she has done this BUT by the same token, she wants to recreate that warm, homely, beautiful and welcoming environment in her student accommodation which, let's face it can be horribly sterile and utilitarian.

Please take it as a HUGE compliment to your obvious talent in aesthetics!

HardStare · 10/09/2020 19:45

Nah. you're overthinking when you should be celebrating. She LOVED it. YOU did that. You brought her joy. That's a great thing you have done. Let her enjoy it and be proud of yourself.
As for the room left behind, you can either replace so you have two replicas, leave it entirely and shut the door, ask for the old duvet cover back and live with it (although she could use that as a spare, right?) or buy generic replacements she won't run off with or will she next time.

Leeds2 · 10/09/2020 19:47

I would take it as a compliment!

But, I wouldn't be replacing the things she has taken with her so, if she doesn't bring them back for holidays, she would have to do without.

Dollyrocket · 10/09/2020 19:48

I think it’s a bit of a piss take - she’s an adult and has already taken all the previous stuff (which makes sense). It’s quite grabby imho.

HardStare · 10/09/2020 19:48

Also, you did this when she was 18 or more recently? Because if it's 2 years old and she had two summers with it leaving it in place before nicking it, I'd go easy...she probably wants a change and feel new in her 3rd year. I would be happy with that with everything that 2020 has been tbh.

Spied · 10/09/2020 19:49

You decorated and made that room beautiful for her to look forward to and enjoy when she is home.
Steal your ideas and style for her uni digs- yes - but not the actual stuff from the room.

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 10/09/2020 19:51

DP filled the car with her and took her to Uni. I didn't notice the beautiful rug and lamp flew off like in Aladdin though Wink

She has LOTS of stuff. I think she assumed they were 'hers' rather than standard fixtures. I mean, ok-the bedding I get (even though she has no need for an entire other set).

The Rug. OMG. Bright multi coloured gorgeousness against the floor boards I stripped and stained dark. I suppose in my head I was making it as her lovely grown up room she would always have when she came home. I may have done it to well!

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 10/09/2020 19:52

Yeah, that's really not on. I only took my favourite form when I left home...

SunbathingDragon · 10/09/2020 19:52

Could you look at it from the view that she has her home bedroom with her whilst she is away and what you’ve chosen is what is keeping her happy at uni?

PaternosterLoft · 10/09/2020 19:53

Now it's empty you can decorate it again. Perhaps not so nicely though Grin

TheCanyon · 10/09/2020 19:53

Fork* not form

Throckmorton · 10/09/2020 19:54

Yeah, I think you did it too well there :)

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2020 19:55

I think id tell her that they were from decorations not hers and she needs to return them

IlanaWexler · 10/09/2020 19:56

I'd try to take it as a compliment. Do you need the room for other guests? If not then just shut the door and forget about it. When she comes home for Xmas she'll have a bare room to stay in but that was her choice. & anyway if she's anything like most teenagers these days she'll probably move back home in less than year (and bring everything back).

Karwomannghia · 10/09/2020 19:56

Presumably the stuff will come back when she leaves uni? Are you planning on having lots of people to stay?

Floralnomad · 10/09/2020 19:58

I wouldn’t be bothered about this at all

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 10/09/2020 20:00

To the posters who have mentioned her home comforts. Yep, DP said similar.

Maybe keeping her bedroom door shut so I don't have to look at the now sterile void (and RIP beautiful rug).

OP posts:
SaucyHorse · 10/09/2020 20:01

So does she expect you to refurnish the room for the holidays or is she fine with it being a bit Spartan when she's there (assuming that surely she's not planning to bring a load of furnishings back and forth with her)?
I think YANBU, at 20 and at least 50% moved out it's more of a spare room in your house reserved for her use when she needs it, although I can see the other point of view.

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