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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's BU over our adult DC's bedroom?

204 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 10/09/2020 19:35

Background. When our DD (now20ys) started University, we ensured she had all the necessities and home comforts to get her going. This covered everything from pots, pans, cutlery and crockery, new bedding, storage, lamps, towels, cleaning products etc..

When she was home full time, she had a very big bedroom, whilst her brother (then 13) was in the smallest bedroom. It was agreed once settled at Uni, I would swap the rooms over, as it made sense the biggest room was being used, and that DS had a lot of stuff and was cramped in the smaller room. All good, DD understood and was happy.

As DD was moving into a much smaller room, I completely redecorated and furnished. The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!

Anyhow, she has just gone back into her third year. And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc..

Now DP thinks IABU to be annoyed, as these things were in her room and fair game to take.

I think I am fine to feel miffed. I put a lot of effort to make the room lovely for when she comes home, and all the things she took she didn't need to, as she has those things already.

DP knows I am writing this. So if i am BU. Slate me gently!

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 11/09/2020 15:51

Can you not just tell her to bring some bits back next time she comes home? That's what my mum would have done. Not all of it, especially on the train, but probably the two rugs. I'd have got told off for taking my brother's rug as well though, for sure!

melj1213 · 11/09/2020 16:41

I’d let it go personally, she may have just wanted some things from home to brighten up her uni room.

Then she should have asked if she could take the items her parents have bought to furnish their housr before just assuming she could take stuff that wasnt bought for her.

If you bought them for her they are technically hers

The OP didnt buy them specifically for her though, they bought stuff to furnish a room in their house, to replace things they have bought for/given to their daughter to take with her. The new items she has taken were never hers, so she had no claim to them.

londonscalling · 11/09/2020 16:46

@Throckmorton

Surely it's her stuff, and is she takes it to uni that just means she can't have it at home, but she's the only one affected by that, so it's her choice?
But is it her daughter's stuff, or is it stuff the OP has brought for her daughter's room?
busymomtoone · 11/09/2020 17:41

But you made the room lovely “ for her” , so unless you are viewing it asa spare or visitors’ room ( ie not for your daughter) I honestly don’t understand why you are not delighted/ flattered that she loves your taste and has squirrelled the things back to uni. They will obviously remind her of home and she will get more use/ kudos out if them there! Agree you need to gently point out you won’t be doing ongoing makeovers for her to take new stuff each time , but honestly, how great is it that she lives the stuff and it will get way more use than in her room at home?

user1472151176 · 11/09/2020 17:43

I don't think you're BU. Personally I would let it go and not create an issue with her about it and next time she comes home there will be no lamp or rug in her room (unless she plans to travel with it). See if she says anything. She can't expect you to replace everything everytime. If she's upset, and your happy to replace it, then make it clear she can't take it again.

starfishmummy · 11/09/2020 17:51

Buy yourself another rug, but makensurenits hidden when she comes home next

Fwaltz · 11/09/2020 18:16

I would have never dreamt of doing this, and my mum would have been seriously peeved if I had!

It’s not worth falling out with Either DP or DD about, but I completely understand why you are ticked off. If you re-fill the room with things, perhaps mention to DD that these are items to be kept at the family home, not free pickings!

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 11/09/2020 18:17

BletheringHeights I should add, the pots were a bargain in TKMax. Possibly a 10th of the price they normally sell for-so cost wise fab.

Thisismytimetoshine Harsh. But no. She loves her room. Many of her Uni friends have been given a virtual tour.

SingingInTheShithouse Calling a strangers daughter a self entitled prick is pretty low.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant What colour? Grin

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 11/09/2020 18:27

The entire division on this topic is based on whether the OP genuinely bought things for her daughter, or whether she decorated a beautiful guest room for herself which she allows her daughter to stay in - as a guest.

FelicisNox · 11/09/2020 18:29

I would say YANBU purely because you bought those things for the room not for uni: they are only hers when she is at home. Those items are part of the room decor and were not meant to leave the house.

If she wants nice extras she needs to buy them. There's a level of entitlement here that tips the balance.

pollymere · 11/09/2020 18:59

I had to stay in my teeny room, even when my brother moved out! She wants some home comforts in her final year and I'm sure she will return them! Funny though - my Mum did this in my first term of my third year but I ended up finding someone I wanted to marry before the term finished and never really moved back home... (I'm still with them twenty years later).

Alpal1 · 11/09/2020 19:03

I follow you. After lots of effort, it’s not easy to let go of the room so quickly and expensive if you need to replace stuff like bedding.

I can’t ever remember considering the furnishings in my childhood bedroom as “mine”, but maybe the way you worded things made her believe that everything belonged to her..... ?
If not, I do think she could have been more considerate and asked. It would be the right choice to let her take at least some of the items to uni where she would get more use out of them but more respectful of her to do this with you knowing about it.

TenPenceMix · 11/09/2020 19:15

Cheeky sod, she could have asked!

DickintheDob · 11/09/2020 19:20

It's difficult. I'd be annoyed too, however don't replace the stuff for her. If you want to use the the room for visitors take the stuff you put in back out before she comes home. Just make sure you remind her she needs to bring bedding home with her as the room currently has none.

lightsout · 11/09/2020 19:32

I think it’s fine she wants the place she’s spending majority of her time in to feel as lovely as you made home to be which is really sweet x

Don’t replace anything though - she can just come home to a barer room during the holidays x

northbacchus · 11/09/2020 19:37

Perhaps agree that she should replace any of the things she has taken from her room should they get damaged! But otherwise, I’d just let it go.

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 11/09/2020 19:37

YABU

She likes what you done so much she wanted it ar uni too... What is the problem? Take it as a compliment...

Just make sure when she finishes her last year she brings the goodies home!

shreddednips · 11/09/2020 20:05

I think that's not on. If you'd bought a new rug, side table and wall art with the intention of her taking them to uni you would have said so! I'm really surprised she didn't ask, do you think it's possible that she asked your DH and he said yes? In which case, less unreasonable. But mean to take her brother's rug. I wouldn't argue with her over it but I'd have to say something and ask for the things back next time she comes.

Have you considered setting up some kind of rug-choosing company OP? I'd be a customer. My rug enthusiasm is high but my taste in rugs is shit.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/09/2020 20:34

I'd just simply ask her why she took the rug, duvet etc and the rug from her brother's room. Make her explain herself.

Zoecarter · 11/09/2020 20:36

I 100% agree with you but I was just discussing it with my husband and he agrees with your husband so we are no help 😂😂

lightsout · 11/09/2020 21:17

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

She didn’t take anything from her brothers room?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/09/2020 21:25

@lightsout The OP said upthread the DD took DS's rug too (8.03)

yomellamoHelly · 11/09/2020 22:20

I would refurnish the room, but strip it bare when she comes back (and not tell her what you've done. I wouldn't want one of the rooms in my home looking horrible, particularly if I slept in it every so often.

lightsout · 11/09/2020 23:00

@ Oblahdeeoblahdoe oh yes sorry totally missed that update
In light of that update yep entitled and I’d have to say something and tell her to return the stolen rug

SingingInTheShithouse · 11/09/2020 23:50

@IsAnybodyListening

You miss understood me. I wasn't calling you DD an entitled prick. I doubt very much that she is, when you seem to have your head screwed on in that you are unhappy enough about it & your DHs reaction, to post here.

I meant that your DHs support of her just helping herself to the new stuff, without asking. Is the sort of thing that leads to entitled behaviour in adults. It's perfectly normal for teens & young adults to have a certain level of entitlement when it comes to their parents. It's how we as parents handle it, that can determine how well they grow out of it & don't risk growing into entitled pricks. You're doing the right thing in questioning & wanting to challenge her behaviour, your DH needs to step up too.