Who's BU over our adult DC's bedroom?

[IsAnybodyListening]

Background. When our DD (now20ys) started University, we ensured she had all the necessities and home comforts to get her going. This covered everything from pots, pans, cutlery and crockery, new bedding, storage, lamps, towels, cleaning products etc..

When she was home full time, she had a very big bedroom, whilst her brother (then 13) was in the smallest bedroom. It was agreed once settled at Uni, I would swap the rooms over, as it made sense the biggest room was being used, and that DS had a lot of stuff and was cramped in the smaller room. All good, DD understood and was happy.

As DD was moving into a much smaller room, I completely redecorated and furnished. The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!

Anyhow, she has just gone back into her third year. And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc..

Now DP thinks IABU to be annoyed, as these things were in her room and fair game to take.

I think I am fine to feel miffed. I put a lot of effort to make the room lovely for when she comes home, and all the things she took she didn't need to, as she has those things already.

DP knows I am writing this. So if i am BU. Slate me gently!

But if you made it nice FOR HER to come home to, surely she'll bring the stuff with her and it'll be nice when she's at home? Similarly she is also getting some niceness when away from home too which has to be a good thing.

I really think you need to consider - did you decorate the room for your Dd or for yourself. I can't imagine choosing wall art for any of my DC's rooms, and would consult them about rugs too, but then their rooms are theirs. And if they took stuff to Uni I'd think it was great that they liked things I'd chosen, and wanted to be reminded of home.

But it sounds more like the room was a Interior decorating project for yourself.

The mistake you made was that in your head it has transitioned from ‘her’ room in which everything in it belonged to her to ‘your’ room where she now also kept her stuff. To her it was all still ‘hers’. I would have thought the same as her, I could take what I wanted from ‘my’ room.

You are clearly the Rug Queen

Where did you get the grey rug from?

I've just seen your update. Definitely have a word with her OP, she needs to know that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable. It's clearly playing on your mind and it's not healthy to let things nag at you like this. You don't need to have a row over it :)

I would feel exactly as you do and I can also see my husband being a soft touch like your DP!

I think if it were me and my DS I would probably say nothing but it would make me think. I'd wonder why he didn't want a nice room to come back to. Is the uni accommodation more important to him, does this feel more like home. Was he trying to make the uni accommodation more like home than here. Is it because he misses home and wants to recreate home away from home, or is it because he's taking what he wants and leaving home or at least psychologically moving on. It might make me feel a bit sad pondering if he is now making a break with home. But its all part of the process of them growing up and going out into the world. The thoughtlessness of their age is just a phase, they get past it usually. The stuff wouldn't bother me, its just stuff.

I don't think that's fair at all. If she needed more stuff she should have asked. But there should have been a conversation, especially as it sounds like she's replacing stuff she's not looked after, or hoarding multiples?

But since your husband helped her load it up...

I do think there should be a conversation with her about it though? She needs to be responsible for her items.

Gosh. I think she has been incredibly entitled. And completely thoughtless. I would have to say something. I’d probably message her something along the lines of “I’m very happy you liked how I decorated your room but I wasn’t expecting you to totally strip it as you left. It would have been nice if you’d asked!”

And I say that as a total softie who is kitting a pretty spoilt DS out to head off next week. Fine if he wants to take things from his room but if I then buy replacements to make it nice for him when he comes back I’d like to be asked if he would want to take any of that. It’s only polite.

I would actually be quite hurt in your shoes OP. You did a lovely thing and made the room lovely for her for when she is home. I think I’d feel totally taken for granted.

The other odd thing is your DH's collusion of course. Does he spoil her usually? Does he not care about 'stuff'? Does he not understand how much time and effort goes into furnishing a room - does he think you just go to a shop, buy a few things and that's it done?

I really think you need to consider - did you decorate the room for your Dd or for yourself. I can't imagine choosing wall art for any of my DC's rooms, and would consult them about rugs too, but then their rooms are theirs.

When my parents redecorated my room once I went to uni, they asked for my input on some things (general colour palette, did I prefer X or Y light fittings etc) since I would be the primary user of the room when I was home in the holidays but it was ultimately their decision because they were paying and it was their house. The room needed redecorating as it hadn't been done since I was a teen and was worn out, even before I removed stuff that made it look even more tired and in need of replacing, but since the idea was that I was going to go to uni and possibly not come back (which in my case was what actually happened as I met ExDH at uni, we moved abroad, got married and had DD all without spending more than a few days staying at my parents house) so they decorated with me in mind, but not for me, nor was any of the new furnishings for me, they were just my parents purchases that happened to be used in that room.

I think the issue is that the OPs DD still sees the room as hers and has the mindset that she hasn't moved out, her bedroom is still her base and therefore is entitled to anything the OP puts in it as it is for her if it is in her room.

Meanwhile the OP sees the room in a more transitional state - her DD is welcome to use it in the holidays etc and all of her stuff is still stored in there but since her DD doesnt need it on a day to day basis, when DD isnt there it is just another spare bedroom that is available for anyone to use as needed and so has furnished it to be a functional bedroom rather than a shell, stripped of anything useful except when DD is in residence.

I'd be telling her that next time you visit or when she comes home for term break you'll be picking up the rug, side table and wall art as those are yours, very sorry for the misunderstanding but you bought those to decorate the room rather than for her specifically. The rest I'd let go.

I had 3 sets of bedding at uni by the way because I was a slob and didnt always wash them straight away

Yes, please, the rug sounds lovely. Please pick one for me.

Perhaps you should do like Monica's parents did in Friends, and turn her room into a gym. Just kidding, obviously!

I love that you sent her away with le creuset cookware btw. It's OTT and hilarious but also really sweet.

IME almost all young adults, up to the age of 25, are a bit self-absorbed and flaky, even the otherwise sensible, responsible ones.

I wouldn't add a single thing into the room. You've decorated it once so until she's got her own house it stays like that for when she's back. Then it becomes the guest room and you ca decorate it how you want and it's yours.

I dont think she should have taken the stuff for the record but I wouldn't bother arguing over it, just leave it barren now.

Ummm, I had friends like that at my very well off uni. Le Creuset pots! They just didn't appreciate them. I don't mean they didn't like them, but if they just get access to all this lovely stuff (some people just about manage a le creuset pot on their wedding list or whatever!) they can't really have any appreciation of the work that goes into paying for them, the effort that goes into choosing them, how valuable they are to people. It's sort of just rampant consumerism gone wild.

Also I think that it needs to take into account that she did have lots of lovely things in her room, she had already taken all of them to uni, you had bought her MORE nice things for uni (jamie oliver/le creuset/bedding etc), THEN you replaced the things in her room, THEN she took the replacements! Then she took her brother's rug!

Also, this is what the phrase 'This is why we can't have nice things' was made for!

Definitely say 'well if the rug was yours to take, then by that logic the one you gave to your brother is by definition now his, so post it back (with all the attendant hassle that will bring her).

Does she perchance operate some kind of illegal rug market stall?

When I say 'rampant consumerism' I think that sounds like I'm criticising you OP, I'm really not, I absolutely love nice things, and it sounds like you try really hard to create a nice home. And obviously succeed!

What happens if you replace the items and she takes a shine to them? Is she within rights to just take whatever she fancies from the room? What if her current bed breaks? Is she allowed to take the one in your place because she feels a sense of ownership?

It may be her room, but its your house and I wouldn't be happy that she didn't at least ask. Plus, I'd be concerned that I would find myself in a cycle of furnishing my grown up child with a many years worth of home décor.

Christ & people wonder why we are a nation of too many self entitled young pricks 🙄

Of course YANBU, it wasn't hers to take & where as I'm sure as her mother, if she had bothered to have some manners & had asked, you would have gladly given it to her. It was never hers to just take though & your DH is encouraging her to be a self entitled prick by egging her on

I’d let it go personally, she may have just wanted some things from home to brighten up her uni room. If you bought them for her they are technically hers and I’m sure she’ll bring them back when/if she moves back full time.

What is 'wall art'? Art you put on the wall as opposed to? Isn't pictures suffice?

Choosing "wall art" for your 20 year old child's room is a bit odd. Maybe she's removing all this stuff to sell it at uni so she doesn't have to look at it anymore.

I’d be horrified actually at the entitlement, this would never have crossed my mind. Add in ds’s rug, and I’d ask for that back- that’s really bloody rude territory. ‘Her’ room would be left bare for the next couple of visits at least so she understands you aren’t going to just replace everything nice ad infinitum. And if you redecorate you have to explain I’ve put some new things in the room but they are mine not yours, and I want them left there when you leave. Our children will grow up with lots of quality cookware etc around but when they go to college it will be anything old i am ok to get rid of, charity shops and IKEA.

I think you have to say something to her OP.

She needs to know that it has upset you and why. If you don’t tell her then she will just continue to be thoughtless.

I wouldn’t have taken anything ‘nice‘ to university and neither did my friends. It was all cheap bedding and cheap utensils and crockery. Things that, if stolen or broken were easily replaced. Nowadays some young people seem to want good quality and expensive items from the start. They can have those later in life when they can afford them!

🙋‍♀️ I would like a rug please.

No idea where the odd female symbol came from!