Who's BU over our adult DC's bedroom?

[IsAnybodyListening]

Background. When our DD (now20ys) started University, we ensured she had all the necessities and home comforts to get her going. This covered everything from pots, pans, cutlery and crockery, new bedding, storage, lamps, towels, cleaning products etc..

When she was home full time, she had a very big bedroom, whilst her brother (then 13) was in the smallest bedroom. It was agreed once settled at Uni, I would swap the rooms over, as it made sense the biggest room was being used, and that DS had a lot of stuff and was cramped in the smaller room. All good, DD understood and was happy.

As DD was moving into a much smaller room, I completely redecorated and furnished. The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!

Anyhow, she has just gone back into her third year. And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc..

Now DP thinks IABU to be annoyed, as these things were in her room and fair game to take.

I think I am fine to feel miffed. I put a lot of effort to make the room lovely for when she comes home, and all the things she took she didn't need to, as she has those things already.

DP knows I am writing this. So if i am BU. Slate me gently!

I think yabu, although I understand and would probably feel the same tbh.

Hopefully she isn't expecting you to replace everything that she took with her for when she next comes home.

YABU. She may be an adult, but only technically...students aren't known for their consideration and sense of decorum. Taking advantage of parents is what they do. You should have made it clearer to her that when you said the stuff was "her" stuff, you didn't really mean it.

YABU.

Oh, I won't be replacing items!

If you put it in ‘her’ bedroom you gave it to her. Like another said, I wouldn’t replace it if she doesn’t bring it back.

She obviously thought that when you told her you were doing the room for her that that meant it was all hers, whereas it sounds like you see it as a spare room that is yours? Yes she should have double checked it was okay, but it was crossed wires and it's lovely she wants to recreate home at uni, so try and look on the positives and let it go?

And she can bring them all back at the end of the year surely if she wants her home room to still be as lovely

I am with you on this one OP, all these items she's only seen over the summer break and she's taken them with her?

It was rude of her not too ask.

Presumably you'll get everything back when she comes home at the end of the year.

I'm on the fence.

Take it as a compliment that she loved it. Replace with new but make it clear beforehand that the replacements stay in the room and she needs to ask before anything is removed or swapped.

This is sheer CFery! You will never see those items again, or if you do, they'll probably be trashed by the wear and tear of a year in a student house. Shut the door, leave it stripped and when she comes home, don't so much as make the bed up. She needs to learn not to take advantage.

If you put anything nice in there, it will disappear with her like the last lot, won't it?

@IsAnybodyListening

DP filled the car with her and took her to Uni. I didn't notice the beautiful rug and lamp flew off like in Aladdin though

She has LOTS of stuff. I think she assumed they were 'hers' rather than standard fixtures. I mean, ok-the bedding I get (even though she has no need for an entire other set).

The Rug. OMG. Bright multi coloured gorgeousness against the floor boards I stripped and stained dark. I suppose in my head I was making it as her lovely grown up room she would always have when she came home. I may have done it to well!

But surely they were 'hers'. It's her room in her childhood home. Either that or it's not her room. Would you have let other people use it as a guest room if she wasn't there? I think that's an important question.

YANBU, what's she going to do now when she visits? bring it all back with her?

Close the door & don’t go back in there, she’s a CF.

YANBU. That was her ‘home’ room. I had a ‘home’ room and there’s no way I would have taken things from it for my university accommodation. It was a room for me to return to at the end of term.

My mother was like this when I was pregnant with my first baby - she bought lots of lovely expensive baby things for her house when I was buying second hand to use at mine due to finances. It stung and actually put me off going to visit. We lived hundreds of miles apart so most of it never got used, or was used once.

My kids are teens now. If they want to take the contents of their rooms when they move out of course they can. It's perverse to want them to have cheap stuff in their main residence so you can keep the nicest stuff for when they visit! I spent most of my university holidays elsewhere working, doing summer courses or traveling, I didn't live with my parents, just visited them. Once an over 18 goes away to university they're away more than they're in the parental home.

Don't buy anymore stuff for her.

my dd recently moved into get home- lived away for 5 years been back for 3

She took every single thing from 3 bedrooms and a bathroom

We just laughed and now have a new study and 2 very neutral guest rooms

Just set it up as a guest room

That's the point though UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme the daughter has moved out and these were not (I assume) possessions that she'd grown up with but things that were bought after she'd left, to furnish the room for her summer break (which may have been a bit longer this year with the lockdown, admittedly!).

Stick a new duvet and cover on the bed and a locker. End of. I wouldn't redecorate, but would make it clear it is her room and she can do it up as she pleases.

Don't get too worried about it, bet she is not in the least bit concerned.

This is a room in your house.

Of course its part of her home, but “home” is more emotional than “bricks and mortar”, and the material stuff in it isn’t hers to take.

I’m with you: she shouldn’t have just taken everything that was put there for her to enjoy whilst at home.
I’d imagine that most people use rooms for guests etc if they’re otherwise lying empty.

@IsAnybodyListening

To the posters who have mentioned her home comforts. Yep, DP said similar.

Maybe keeping her bedroom door shut so I don't have to look at the now sterile void (and RIP beautiful rug).

FGS stop over reacting. They are her things and university life this year is likely to be pretty grim with covid stopping the social life etc so she's going to want a nice room.

I think its great that she is happy with the bedroom swap. You decorated it for her once. Dont decorate/ furnish it again until she is fully moved out. I doubt it crossed her mind that things from her bedroom weren't hers to take. I think it's still her bedroom until she has a permanent home of her own.