Who's BU over our adult DC's bedroom?

[IsAnybodyListening]

Background. When our DD (now20ys) started University, we ensured she had all the necessities and home comforts to get her going. This covered everything from pots, pans, cutlery and crockery, new bedding, storage, lamps, towels, cleaning products etc..

When she was home full time, she had a very big bedroom, whilst her brother (then 13) was in the smallest bedroom. It was agreed once settled at Uni, I would swap the rooms over, as it made sense the biggest room was being used, and that DS had a lot of stuff and was cramped in the smaller room. All good, DD understood and was happy.

As DD was moving into a much smaller room, I completely redecorated and furnished. The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!

Anyhow, she has just gone back into her third year. And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc..

Now DP thinks IABU to be annoyed, as these things were in her room and fair game to take.

I think I am fine to feel miffed. I put a lot of effort to make the room lovely for when she comes home, and all the things she took she didn't need to, as she has those things already.

DP knows I am writing this. So if i am BU. Slate me gently!

Nope, that stuff belonged to you and your house, not to her personally.

Yes take it as a compliment.

Id consider it to be hers and would only refurbish when she’s got her own proper room and her bedroom becomes the guest room.

There’s no way at that age I would of been that cheeky. I would of asked my mum if it was ok first and would of considered the stuff my parents as technically I’d moved out. Yanbu here, you wanted a nice room for your DD when she stayed over and she’s basically stolen the contents.

I’ve read it like you’ve made an effort to decorate a nice room for your DD because you wanted her to keep coming back and now she left with all stuff and it feels like she’s not planning to come back. It’s probably this what’s nagging you, I’m sure it’s not about the lamp.

Absolutely best thing I think is to say little bit do not buy a single other stick of furniture for that room. And if she comes home at Xmas and is like, ‘oh yes whoops I took it all away didn’t I’ that is one thing but if it’s more But Where is Mah Roooooooooom?!?!?! Then she know she’s got a wee not spoilt and cheeky about your generosity and (clearly FABULOUS) taste!

Sorry that was meant to be but YOU will know that she’s got spoilt .

I did the same and uni DD now has the smaller room, redecorated. She hasn’t taken things back but we bought throws and cushions and plants for her room in her house at uni to make it homely so either way, you end up spending £££! I wouldn’t want everything removed because when they come home for holidays, their room will be bare and they are home for weeks at a time!

She should have asked, they weren't personal items or things from her childhood and as you'd already provided things for uni she didn't need then she wanted them.
I would close the door and leave the room as it is, when she comes home for the holidays she'll either have to bring stuff with her, provide what's she needs herself (bedding) or put up with it as it is.

She appreciated the lengths you went to because you chose so well.
The items she took remind her of your love for her. That's honestly how I'd see it.

@Karwomannghia

Presumably the stuff will come back when she leaves uni? Are you planning on having lots of people to stay?

That's exactly what I was thinking, think of it as hers to use home or away. No point buying more furnishings for Uni accommodation when she'll be done with Uni in a year or two.

I see the stuff as being bought for DD's ROOM. Bought for that room, but with her taste in mind.

I'm a complete softie, so if she'd has ASJED I'd have said, yes, but it's bloody cheeky to just take furniture/fittings. Is she always so 'entitled' ?!

My DD hips the same age. Students have had a terrible year, their studies disrupted and social lives fractured. I think they can be quite fragile during the Uni years, neither fully fledged adults nor teenagers. She’s taken some home comforts with her that remind her of you. It’s nice.

You are making it a bit about you and your decorating efforts. I don’t mean that harshly. But you are both being equally ‘selfish’ in a way. But I expect you’ve had a crappy year too, as have most of us. So none of us Are quite thinking straight.

I think I would be miffed too. You made the room lovely for her return not for her to take away. It is quite rude also to strip the room especially as you spent time and money doing the room up.

I think she’s right in assuming that the stuff is hers. I think I’d be pretty hurt if my parents redid my room “for me”, but turn said it wasn’t really for me. You should have been upfront from the start, and said you were getting it redone for guests.

YABU

She clearly loved what you used to decorate her room so much that she didn't want to be parted from any of it! It's a compliment really.

YABU. You decorated her room with things for her. You should have said if you didn't mean for her to have these things, that they are for the house rather than hers.

I'd rather my dd had a beautiful rug than there was one in my spare room.

If you bought them she should have asked first. But I think fair enough if she wanted them.

Wow, anyone thinking this is reasonable is very odd.
I totally understand, having paid a lot of money to kit out university students, for them to have lost it, or for it to be stolen by other flatmates, or just random friends of flatmates.
Then they want double bed sized bedding sets, instead of the three single sets you bought.
They’ve lost all of their cutlery and cups and plates
So you have to buy everything again, but this time you go to a much cheaper shop.
Then when they come back, and you have to collect it all, and dump it in your house, and leave it, and throw it about....

Aghhhhh you have my full sympathy

When I was at college most people had really cheap things, nothing nice or new. Stuff got damaged so much from being moved around and having multiple users. I'd be really upset if nice things got taken there.
Mind you, I experienced the opposite. My parents gave me a bedding set for my 14th birthday and have never let it leave the house. In 51, and have never been able to claim it as my own.

I would be pleased not miffed.

YANBU
When mine went off to uni, their bedrooms were bare . I bought some new furniture to replace, if they had just taken that too without asking, I would have been miffed.

It's still their rooms, but it is also mine and dh's, we don't want to live in a museum waiting for them to come home. So their bedrooms have to look nice/be usable for other purposes, when they are not here.

Beware next she will empty your living room .

I think part of it is you really like the rug. Buy Another rug but for YOUR room as a present for yourself

I'd rather my dd had a beautiful rug than there was one in my spare room.

This!