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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's BU over our adult DC's bedroom?

204 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 10/09/2020 19:35

Background. When our DD (now20ys) started University, we ensured she had all the necessities and home comforts to get her going. This covered everything from pots, pans, cutlery and crockery, new bedding, storage, lamps, towels, cleaning products etc..

When she was home full time, she had a very big bedroom, whilst her brother (then 13) was in the smallest bedroom. It was agreed once settled at Uni, I would swap the rooms over, as it made sense the biggest room was being used, and that DS had a lot of stuff and was cramped in the smaller room. All good, DD understood and was happy.

As DD was moving into a much smaller room, I completely redecorated and furnished. The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!

Anyhow, she has just gone back into her third year. And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc..

Now DP thinks IABU to be annoyed, as these things were in her room and fair game to take.

I think I am fine to feel miffed. I put a lot of effort to make the room lovely for when she comes home, and all the things she took she didn't need to, as she has those things already.

DP knows I am writing this. So if i am BU. Slate me gently!

OP posts:
MadameMeursault · 10/09/2020 20:34

What happened to the stuff you bought her when she first went?

SaucyHorse · 10/09/2020 20:36

Would you have let other people use it as a guest room if she wasn't there? I think that's an important question.

Are there really people who wouldn't let guests use a bedroom that was currently unoccupied?

BrummyMum1 · 10/09/2020 20:36

You decorated a room for her with things in for her. All students take things from home to decorate their rooms and make them homely. If you wanted it to be a guest room with your things in then you should have been clearer about that.

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/09/2020 20:37

My DD has scraped all the best stuff from her rooms here and at her dad’s to take to uni. If it wasn’t fair game you should have made that clear.

museumum · 10/09/2020 20:37

She wanted to take some of “home” with her. In these difficult times I wouldn’t begrudge that.

Ginkypig · 10/09/2020 20:39

@Leeds2

I would take it as a compliment!

But, I wouldn't be replacing the things she has taken with her so, if she doesn't bring them back for holidays, she would have to do without.

This.

I wouldn't mind her taking them but if she wants the same stuff when she gets back then she will have to bring them because I'm not buying them again!

If not then I'm afraid it's the big light and a sleeping bag! Grin

minipie · 10/09/2020 20:40

Well did you buy them for her or for the room?

I can’t understand your POV to be honest. You bought the items to make your DD happy, presumably. She loved them. She loved them so much she wants them with her all the time. In your shoes I’d just be glad she loved my choices and was getting more use out of them.

Unless you think she’ll wreck them or lose them but that’s kind of a diffeent objection.

Thisismytimetoshine · 10/09/2020 20:41

What's the point in insisting it stays in the room she'll only use for holidays from now on? If she loves the stuff that much she'll probably bring it back when she returns for the summer.

NearlyGranny · 10/09/2020 20:43

I did exactly this for my own student offspring, moving rooms around as they grew up and left for uni and then redecorating so they each had a lovely room to come back to in the long holidays. Not one of them ever left with anything, nor do I think it ever crossed their minds.

We had fun setting them up in various student halls and shared houses and we spent quite a bit on them, as OP seems to have done. I can't believe people thinking this is acceptable behaviour when the DD didn't even ask or say, "I love this rug so much, do you mind if I take it?" but just loaded it in the car while OP wasn't looking.

If OP's DH is OK with it, they must just be cut from the same cloth I guess.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 10/09/2020 20:43

That is cheeky !

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 10/09/2020 20:44

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Are you ok? My post is nothing like what you have said about your dm!

To say I was 'perverse' to have expensive stuff, whilst she has cheap isn't the case. Where did I state that?

To other posters,Yes. I would say she had her new bedroom at the end of her first yr, however she went travelling, then the final 2 weeks of her break we all went away together. During her second yr she came come here and there before covid hit, so has been home since April, only going back very recently.

It wasn't her childhood bedroom, although all those things are hers of course! I was just miffed at the extra furnishings that made this room look good for her.

I love her, so not going to make an issue-Just feel a bit meh. Might be a bit of empty nest going on.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 10/09/2020 20:44

Awww don’t be cross with her!

I couldn’t begrudge my daughter the pleasure of lovely new things that I’d chosen to make her room nice, nor could I begrudge her the comfort of having something special from home with her. University life can be pretty grim at times, especially given current circumstances.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/09/2020 20:44

Buy another rug?

It seems that the lack of rug is upsetting you, so buy another one and tell her that she can’t take that one

BlueJava · 10/09/2020 20:46

Take it as a compliment! She may never come back home so to me it's nice that she's taken it with her to enjoy.

Twixes · 10/09/2020 20:48

I'm with you op. I think this is very cheeky!

I would have to say it to her though, obviously let her keep the stuff but she needs to know she needs to at least ask first!

GADDay · 10/09/2020 20:48

I think that is a total pisstake. If you hadnt already shelled out, it would be a different story.

The biggest issue for me is that she did not even have the courtesy to ask.

Pobblebonk · 10/09/2020 20:48

If she's got this stuff already, maybe ask her to send back the stuff she's not using at university and use it to make the room a bit more habitable?

ElanaD · 10/09/2020 20:49

Not much you can do but ya that's annoying.

ItalianHat · 10/09/2020 20:51

YABU. It's a tough transition period - she's sort-of independent, and still dependent on you as her parents.

But you make it sound as though you didn't furnish the room for her but for you - almost like showing off how nice you were being to her. If you made a nice room for her, why are you now claiming that the things are yours?

mrsBtheparker · 10/09/2020 20:53

I'm undecided but when you replace the items make sure they're stuff she won't like! How often is it acceptable for an adult child to strip rooms in their parent's home??

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 10/09/2020 20:56

Op if she had asked you would you have said yes?

Did you think of the things as "hers" or "belonging to the house but in her bedroom" ?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/09/2020 20:58

Pick your battles.

MiddlesexGirl · 10/09/2020 20:58

I'm with you OP. You restyled the room and your hard work has been undone by her thoughtlessness - so now when you go past the room it doesn't look nice to you any more.

I would certainly be gently reminding her she should have asked and requesting that it be returned when she finishes uni.

yolio · 10/09/2020 21:01

Close the door, forget it. It's a useless battle, she has what she thinks is hers now, so just make the home room habitable for her to sleep over for future visits home.

I'm sure it is still a lovely room, but they only sleep there and use the internet anyway. She won't care. As long as there is a bed and a duvet and clean sheets and wifi.

Iggly · 10/09/2020 21:01

She didn’t take stuff from the living room. She took it from her bedroom. Unless you made it clear the stuff wasn’t hers, YABU