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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's BU over our adult DC's bedroom?

204 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 10/09/2020 19:35

Background. When our DD (now20ys) started University, we ensured she had all the necessities and home comforts to get her going. This covered everything from pots, pans, cutlery and crockery, new bedding, storage, lamps, towels, cleaning products etc..

When she was home full time, she had a very big bedroom, whilst her brother (then 13) was in the smallest bedroom. It was agreed once settled at Uni, I would swap the rooms over, as it made sense the biggest room was being used, and that DS had a lot of stuff and was cramped in the smaller room. All good, DD understood and was happy.

As DD was moving into a much smaller room, I completely redecorated and furnished. The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!

Anyhow, she has just gone back into her third year. And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc..

Now DP thinks IABU to be annoyed, as these things were in her room and fair game to take.

I think I am fine to feel miffed. I put a lot of effort to make the room lovely for when she comes home, and all the things she took she didn't need to, as she has those things already.

DP knows I am writing this. So if i am BU. Slate me gently!

OP posts:
Tombero · 10/09/2020 22:56

OP, I am the mother of a 12 year old. Your post fills me with hope that she might one day, in the distant future, approve of something I’ve bought again and take it. Well done on your taste and style.

eveningfalls · 10/09/2020 23:02

@Tombero OP, I am the mother of a 12 year old. Your post fills me with hope that she might one day, in the distant future, approve of something I’ve bought again and take it

Ah that made me laugh. So true.

But Op maybe you should just redecorate the room as a spare room now in your own taste, that she is welcome to stay in anytime, but she is leaving home now and is establishing an independent life; that is a good thing, though sad I know.

bonbonours · 10/09/2020 23:21

I find the idea of decorating a room and buying new things for an adult child a bit odd to be honest. I would assume that when she leaves university there is at least a possibility that she will move out permanently at some point. Continuing to have a room that is 'hers' at her parents house seems unnecessary to me then. If she does move back home then she will bring her stuff back. If she moves out permanently she will probably want to take it with her. At which point it is no longer her room and you can make it a neutral guest room. Why would she need her room once she doesn't live there? She'd be a guest when she comes to stay.

melj1213 · 10/09/2020 23:34

YANBU - the room is hers but that doesn't mean she automatically has ownership of anything you chose to put in it.

When I moved out to University, my room was in need of redecorating (it was last decorated when I was about 14) so my parents redid it. Whist it was still "my" room - in that when I came back during holidays etc I used the room as I always did, they stored all of my stuff that I'd didn't take to uni with me in there etc - and they took my preferences into account with regards to colour/style, I would never have presumed to have ownership of any of the new furnishings they put in it.

Once I moved to university, my bedroom sort of became a guest room that I had priority usage of. It was still my base when I was home so my parents put new furniture/decor in to replace the stuff of my own I took to university and so that it could be used as a guest room and didnt look like a glorified storage room.

The stuff I took to university was mine either because it was stuff I bought specifically for university or just stuff that had been bought for me, but anything that was put into my room after I left was not and taking it would have been just like taking the sofa out of the living room or the kettle from the kitchen.

giantangryrooster · 10/09/2020 23:48

melj1213 absolutely agree, that was what I was clumsily trying to say Smile.

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 10/09/2020 23:49

@melj1213 I am with you completely. I really don't understand why something suddenly belongs to someone just because it's in their room (especially furnishings, and especially when it's not even the original lot!).

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 10/09/2020 23:59

I think there's a sense that when you've spent time and care (and money!) decorating a room, the furniture "belongs" to the room. You created a nice space in your home for your daughter to enjoy. The room was finished, complete, and lovely, and now it's half bare. It wasn't right of her to take the furnishings.

I also suspect you might be like me, and really struggle to deal with an undone room. Making a room just right is a great pleasure, and I would be sorely miffed if DH or the kids undid my efforts by carting off the lot.

MiddlesexGirl · 11/09/2020 00:11

^^ This. The room is decorated. The rug and the lamps and bedding belong with the room.

Unless requested and agreed otherwise.

DollyDally · 11/09/2020 00:23

You sound very supportive and lovely. I’d say goodbye to what she has, but make it clear she needs to ask to remind stuff in future.

liverbird10 · 11/09/2020 00:32

Maybe she loved what you'd done with her room so much that she wanted to recreate that at uni to make her feel at home? Maybe she didn't realise.

She's your daughter, not some random lodger... you know her better than a nyone here does. Why are you asking us instead of discussing it with her?!

melj1213 · 11/09/2020 00:34

I really don't understand why something suddenly belongs to someone just because it's in their room (especially furnishings, and especially when it's not even the original lot!).

Especially when none of the items were bought "for" the OPs DD, why does she think she has ownership of the items?

If she had asked, I'm sure the OP would have let her DD take items she needed but it seems like the issue is mostly the presumption that any item in her room was free game to take with her, when it was not.

If the OP had put an expensive antique lamp in the room because it fit the new decor better in the bedroom than the study it used to be in, does that mean that the OPs DD can now claim that lamp? Or is it still the OPs lamp that she happened to choose to put in a specific room in her house that happens to be the room her DD had before she went to university?

seayork2020 · 11/09/2020 00:42

I keep it simple what we buy ds is his it is up to him what happens

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/09/2020 00:46

Not much you can do. don't replace it, and let her find her own bedding when she visits.

1forAll74 · 11/09/2020 00:56

It would not bother me at all. its just a few new things for her home from home accommodation, despite what she had before.

melj1213 · 11/09/2020 00:57

what we buy ds is his it is up to him what happens

But does that mean that anything in his room is classed as his property?

The OP bought new decor and put it in the room her DD used, that doesnt make it her DDs stuff to do with as she pleases

WyfOfBathe · 11/09/2020 01:13

You talk a lot about making it "lovely", but did you really do this for DD or for you? If it's to make her happy, why can't she take these things to the place where she's going to spend most of her time. It seems more like a showroom if all the pretty furnishings are just supposed to stay there untouched for 40 weeks of the year.

I more-or-less stripped my room bare when I moved to uni, and took things like bedding back and forth with me. It would never have occured to me to ask permission to take them.

Totickleamockingbird · 11/09/2020 01:30

She took a bit of home with her. It’s a huge compliment to how much you know her. Smile

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 11/09/2020 08:03

A few people have asked about the rug. I can't find it online, I got it from Debenhams for half price for £50. Pale background with various blues, pinks, yellow colours, and each tassel was a different bright colour. Looked nice against dark floorboards.

The bedding was for the room rather than her to take. From what I can make out, she now has 3x duvet sets at uni.

To posters who have asked about the use of her room, I actually would sleep in it now and again as dp snores!

Also-The next is a completely random and accidental dripfeed. So, last night our DS15 heard us talking about the things in her room (dp still thinks I have lost the plot and being VU to be miffed!) Anyway, DS said 'she is well out of order, she gave it to me'.....so I'm a bit confused. He though we were talking about HIS rug.

So, DD went to uni and gave DS a fluffy grey rug. He has used it to sit and game on in his room. She also took that with her! DS thought that's what we were talking about!

Modern day bloody rug-gate in my house atm. DS now wants me to get him a new rug also. Anyone else want one whilst I'm at it? Clearly my taste in rugs is something to behold!

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 11/09/2020 08:07

You have my sympathy, OP. What happened to the original stuff you bought her for uni? Did she bring it back or just leave it in the house share when she returned?

DS1 wanted to leave all the kitchen kit we'd bought him after his first year. I insisted he bring it back. It turned out he did need it after that, obviously. He wouldn't have been able to afford to replace it and we didn't want to. DS2 is now using it.

Just as an aside, DS2 has been home from an apprenticeship. He's been having to pay rent on a house that he's not living in since March. All well and good. We've been paying for pretty much everything since he's been back and now he tells me he's been able to save £1,000+. I really did have to bite my tongue when he told me that! Don't get me wrong, he's done housework and garage tidying while he's been here but we've even bought his beer for him.

I'm only posting this to show how unthinking young adults can be ( plus that's been good to get off my chest!).

I'm sure your DD was just unthinking. You sound lovely; sometimes we just have to write things down to let the feelings out.

IloveJudgeJudy · 11/09/2020 08:10

X-post. With your latest post she does sound rather entitled Sad. I would probably speak about it to her the next time you see her. I wouldn't do it by text. It's better to nip this in the bud now.

What on earth does she need 3 duvets for?

Cattiwampus · 11/09/2020 08:12

Tell her to bring the rugs back
Taking DS’s rug was petty and mean..

yetanothernamitynamechange · 11/09/2020 08:15

What is she doing with all the rugs???
Im imagining a small uni room absoloutely festooned with soft furnishings

Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 11/09/2020 08:21

IloveJudgeJudy

I was a bit silly buying her things in her first year to be honest. I even got her bloody Jamie Oliver cookware for her and le creuset pots. Can only imagine whats happened to them in student accommodation!

I didn't get to go to uni at her age as I was a young mum, and had her at 18, so I think I overcompensated. (I did do an open uni degree though).

I know what you mean about biting your tongue! She would have us get the odd bottle of wine, or beer whilst at home to. DP did a food shop with her after dropping her back at uni, and gave her £150 cash as her loan isn't in yet.

When he told me this, (of course I don't begrudge her) but I told him she has £850.00 in an ISA that she is refusing to touch, as it is for 'emergencies' according to her.

I've possibly made her sound very entitled-She really is a lovely young woman, just a little bit thoughtless at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsAnybodyListening · 11/09/2020 08:28

yetanothernamitynamechange Yes. Me to! If I actually listed all the things I know she has taken to one uni room, you would think I was winding you up!

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 11/09/2020 08:36

The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!
I totally understand the room was made nice for when she is there. I think she should have asked if she wanted to take anything back to uni and I would definitely expect all the items (maybe except the bedding) to be brought back when she finishes at uni so that the room is restored.

I'd probably, laughingly, tell her you didn't expect her to take the stuff you'd furnished her room with for when she is staying there. She has probably just been a little entitled thoughtless.

It's a big sad that you put in so much effort and now can't peep around the door and admire the beautiful room you furnished for her return.