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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's BU over our adult DC's bedroom?

204 replies

IsAnybodyListening · 10/09/2020 19:35

Background. When our DD (now20ys) started University, we ensured she had all the necessities and home comforts to get her going. This covered everything from pots, pans, cutlery and crockery, new bedding, storage, lamps, towels, cleaning products etc..

When she was home full time, she had a very big bedroom, whilst her brother (then 13) was in the smallest bedroom. It was agreed once settled at Uni, I would swap the rooms over, as it made sense the biggest room was being used, and that DS had a lot of stuff and was cramped in the smaller room. All good, DD understood and was happy.

As DD was moving into a much smaller room, I completely redecorated and furnished. The room looked beautiful! I put so much effort into making it a great room for when she come home-And she loved it!

Anyhow, she has just gone back into her third year. And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc..

Now DP thinks IABU to be annoyed, as these things were in her room and fair game to take.

I think I am fine to feel miffed. I put a lot of effort to make the room lovely for when she comes home, and all the things she took she didn't need to, as she has those things already.

DP knows I am writing this. So if i am BU. Slate me gently!

OP posts:
Apple222 · 10/09/2020 21:06

Whoever buys it, it belongs to unless it is given as a gift. That’s not to say you might give it to her but until then it is yours. I completely understand why you are upset.

CorianderLord · 10/09/2020 21:06

It's her room and so her things so long as she returns furniture when she moves out for good. Everything else is fair game.

CoronaBollox · 10/09/2020 21:11

YANBU. Yes it's her room but I'm surprised most people wouldnt be a bit Wtf at finding a newly decorated room half empty. I wouldnt cause an issue over it though she obviously thinks you have great taste.

applepineapple · 10/09/2020 21:11

What was the rug @IsAnybodyListening ? Sounds fab! Grin

Coffeecak3 · 10/09/2020 21:14

It’s her age. Both mine were a bit thoughtless from 20-25.
When she comes home at Xmas she’ll have to make her own bed up and manage without a rug or lamp.

CoronaBollox · 10/09/2020 21:15

And she obviously loves her room so much she has taken the bedding, the rug, the lamp, the cushions, mirror, wall art, side-table etc.

And I doubt she will travel back and forth with these things everytime she comes to stay. Which means you will have to decorate again, unless you leave her in a plain room which I'm sure will be judged as abuse. The decent thing to do is ask. I couldn't imagine stripping my room at DMs without saying a word. I'm sure you would have agreed.

Wbeezer · 10/09/2020 21:21

Definitely not on in my book, mine are given old things and spare things as I was, its my turn to have the nice things now! However i insist my kids ask before taking food (unless I've already declared they can help themselves, this is awful according to Mumsnet.

Marilla27 · 10/09/2020 21:21

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MayLeaveADentInYourSofa · 10/09/2020 21:22

I have a DD at uni. I would be annoyed. We have pulled a lot together financially and practically for her to be studying and staying in a nice flat with nice things. To take the stuff from her room without consulting me would be rude.

Now, if she put forward a constructive argument as to why she wanted to take the stuff I would listen and discuss.

Obviously I have answered putting your scenario in my life but, yeah, I wouldn't be happy.

Charleyhorses · 10/09/2020 21:23

Honestly.
She will be back in a matter of months.

seayork2020 · 10/09/2020 21:26

I am with your daughter on this one

reader12 · 10/09/2020 21:26

I wouldn’t stress about this. Find another project, decorate another room or do something creative for you.

CharityDingle · 10/09/2020 21:28

Just feel a bit meh. Might be a bit of empty nest going on.

I can see your point of view. Yes, possibly there is a bit of empty nest going on. And if she had mentioned it, or if you had seen her packing up, you would not have been as taken aback, as you were, when you saw the room.

I'd probably buy a cheap lamp and rug to replace the ones she took with her. And close the door. Wink

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 10/09/2020 21:29

I’d see it that you bought it for her so it’s hers. You must see it that you bought them for your house so they’re not hers to take. Presumably the room will be empty and unused when she’s not there so I really don’t see the problem.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/09/2020 21:33

I'd be thinking she might move elsewhere after graduating - to a bedsit or houseshare - and take 'her' stuff there.

That was definitely not the idea, was it. You've made her room lovely, so that she has a lovely room to come and stay in in your home when she stays there or visits. It's partly about making visiting you, or staying with you, attractive, isn't it?

Using that stuff to make her own little nest attractive, wherever that may be, (while leaving her 'home room' bare) is a completely different concept, isn't it.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 10/09/2020 21:35

I think the problem is how you both see the room. You said it’s DDs room and bought things for DDs room, DD assumed they were her things (in her room) so took them with. Which imo is normal.

But, it seems like you view the room more as a guest room to look pretty while DD isn’t there and when DD is there she should just fit herself and her belongings in around your pretty items like a guest room and leave it how she found it. Which seems a little harsh imo.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/09/2020 21:36

Also, did you decorate the room solely for her? Forever?

Or was it for her, for now but also probably as a guest room longer term?

MintyMabel · 10/09/2020 21:38

They are her things and university life this year is likely to be pretty grim with covid stopping the social life etc so she's going to want a nice room.

They were her mother’s things, not hers. It would have been polite to ask. I can only assume she didn’t because she knew the answer would be no.

This would piss me off.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 10/09/2020 21:39

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

My mother was like this when I was pregnant with my first baby - she bought lots of lovely expensive baby things for her house when I was buying second hand to use at mine due to finances. It stung and actually put me off going to visit. We lived hundreds of miles apart so most of it never got used, or was used once.

My kids are teens now. If they want to take the contents of their rooms when they move out of course they can. It's perverse to want them to have cheap stuff in their main residence so you can keep the nicest stuff for when they visit! I spent most of my university holidays elsewhere working, doing summer courses or traveling, I didn't live with my parents, just visited them. Once an over 18 goes away to university they're away more than they're in the parental home.

This is nothing like the OP.
CandyLeBonBon · 10/09/2020 21:40

As long as she returns it when she moves back after uni, you're all good! I'd take it that she's taking a bit of home back with her to uni!

user1478299641 · 10/09/2020 21:40

I think you're perfectly entitled to be annoyed! You already sent her off to college with all new stuff- lamp, bedding etc and now she's swiped the replacements!

GetThatHelmetOn · 10/09/2020 21:40

Did she take everything because she has a nasty place at uni? Or just because she liked it? Either way she would have asked before removing stuff.

I understand why you are miffed, I’m sure I would have told DS to take everything if he had asked or made a difference to him BUT I would have been furious if he had left the room bare without asking.

If that room was only to be used by her and absolutely no one else, just close the door, leave it as it is and tell her to bring some bedding with her when she visits.

GetThatHelmetOn · 10/09/2020 21:41

She “should” not “would”

lottiegarbanzo · 10/09/2020 21:41

I can't imagine not asking, in this sort of instance.

The stuff wasn't bought with her, or actually for her, it was bought for the room, for her room in your home so for her to enjoy while there.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2020 21:43

@lottiegarbanzo

I can't imagine not asking, in this sort of instance.

The stuff wasn't bought with her, or actually for her, it was bought for the room, for her room in your home so for her to enjoy while there.

^^This.