To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

I think your suggested message to the DH above is a good one.

You shouldn’t apologise as you don’t know what it’s about.

Personally, I am not the kind of person to accept someone treating me like this. If she’s desperately ill, there’s not much you can do that won’t open you up to more blame. If she has had an over reaction, this is not an acceptable way for an adult to behave. It’s really cruel actually.

You can't just leave her be and not clear this up. You need to phone her from a phone that you're not blocked on or phone her husband. You need to find out what she's thinking otherwise it'll eat you up and you have every right to defend yourself.

I don’t like your message to the DH tbh. I’m reading that you’re friends with him - it’s very tiptoeing round any problem.

I honestly think either you or your DH should just message saying you seem to have upset his wife but don’t know why, can he tell you? Don’t go all in with the apologies right away.

@SoPanny I think you may well be right. My ex best friend was a drama queen and always in debt (I stupidly bailed her out once) and she used to take offence at the slightest thing. I remember hearing her screaming over the phone at her mum and her husband. She stayed with us for 3 weeks and latched on to my DH, texting him to complain about me.

She had MH issues and was having a manic episode at this time. She was sectioned and actually thought one of the other patients was the headteacher at a school where she'd previously taught.

We're no longer friends, and my life has been much happier without her in it. It was always about her dramas and it was exhausting. (I think my DH was relieved too.) I was sad but by the time it ended, I was exhausted by the stress of it all.

You said that she's been psychotic in the past. If she is having an episode (and the behaviour you've described sounds like she might be) then it may even have been an imagined offence, in which case there isn't anything to find out.

You say in your OP that you didn't sleep over this incident and that it may affect your own MH. Will you continue to dwell over what happened until you get some kind of explanation, or can you let it go? If it's the former, perhaps your DH, out for concern for your MH, could contact the DH of your friend and ask what might be going on? He could pretend you don't know he's doing it. That way you are respecting her wishes, while also taking into account your own MH.

I'd be going with the pretty (bland) notecaerd thing, rather than speaking to her DH.
I must admit if for whatever reason I'd fell out with someone and they messaged my partner, paranoia would immediately kick in that "they were ganging up behind my back".

[quote Mittens030869]@SoPanny I think you may well be right. My ex best friend was a drama queen and always in debt (I stupidly bailed her out once) and she used to take offence at the slightest thing. I remember hearing her screaming over the phone at her mum and her husband. She stayed with us for 3 weeks and latched on to my DH, texting him to complain about me.

She had MH issues and was having a manic episode at this time. She was sectioned and actually thought one of the other patients was the headteacher at a school where she'd previously taught.

We're no longer friends, and my life has been much happier without her in it. It was always about her dramas and it was exhausting. (I think my DH was relieved too.) I was sad but by the time it ended, I was exhausted by the stress of it all.

You said that she's been psychotic in the past. If she is having an episode (and the behaviour you've described sounds like she might be) then it may even have been an imagined offence, in which case there isn't anything to find out.[/quote]
In my case it was just so sad as when lucid she was really kind and funny (so funny) and creative and a real star.

It’s just that when things weren’t quite as they were she’s intersperse some lovely chat about sculpture or something with “so can we now talk about why you called me a slut on your wedding day”?

I mean.... WTF.

It was the illness - completely.

@Flummoxed2020 I am going to say something different. I think you are basically dismissive of her feelings - in fact, have not enough awareness of her feelings - and that might be why. Also I have rethought some friendships quite fundamentally over lockdown but it has only been in the last week that I have realised that I really don't want to invest in the 2 friendships any more so it might be that too - though I haven't blocked, or said anything, I am just going to pull back. Dismissive/not aware of her feelings:

• you pulled a face about the waitrose thing and she took it the wrong way and called you to have a word - you had no clue why - you said to your partner afterwards you had no clue why - you still have no clue why - you have not seen it is as important that you have no clue why - 20 years in if you were good friends really you would have a clue why and if you didn't you would want to find out what she was thinking and what the big deal was afterwards
• the infertility thing - again you seem to be completely clueless about just how horrendous it is to find yourself infertile (after 2 years she is medically infertile) at the age of 37

This is not to say that her blocking out without discussion isn't OTT - it is - but it might be that she is just fed up, or that it is the infertility thing causing her to want to cut off contact, or that it is MH - it could be any of those things, so don't assume that it is to do with MH.

I think you sound very nice generally and I am sorry that this has happened to you because it sounds very hurtful, but I think that even though you have had some tough times yourself, you aren't really aware of who she is or how she is feeling any more and to me you sound a bit clueless about infertility. I don't think you have done anything "wrong" though. You could ask if it is that and ask if you could talk and listen to her more. Or you could get your dp to subtly ask her dp. I wouldn't assume MH though, and I would think about things and see if you can be more sensitive about the differences between you and repair the friendship over time.

Good luck!

Is there any chance that someone else that was there on sunday has set about putting ideas in your friends head, maybe a shit stirrer in the camp

@SoPanny

My friend was like that too. She sang at our wedding, and was very musical. But unfortunately, she was also a shopaholic and seriously in debt, and a liar. I stuck by her for so long because I knew that she was ill, but in the end it was too much. The money was the last straw from our point of view.

It was still very sad, though, because she could be really good company and I missed her.

She sounds like a family member of ours who used to claim that my MIL was accusing her of adultery and that people were ringing up leaving threatening messages. None of which was true. She had bipolar and didn’t always take her medication.

What a horrible situation. I think i’d go with the suggestion of sending a card rather than contacting her DH. Seems a very strange way to end such a long friendship. Sadly there’s not much more you can do. x

you sound a bit clueless about infertility

I don’t get that from the OP at all.

I couldn’t just let a 20 year old friendship go like this. You don’t really have anything to lose by contacting her. If you do nothing, you will always wonder why she was annoyed and what you did, for her to react like this.

I would first contact her husband, to see if he can shine some light on what you are supposed to have done. Hopefully he will tell you she has overreacted to something. Plus, knowing how long you have been friends, perhaps he can speak to her about how upset you are.

I would get in touch sooner, rather than later, as I wouldn’t want this situation to fester any longer than necessary. If she isn’t willing to speak to you, or listen to reason, then at least you know you tried!

you sound a bit clueless about infertility

I don't think so at all, and I'm speaking as someone who has been through that, and actually was infertile and eventually adopted. It can be hard being around happy families as an infertile person, but it isn't their fault and I was able to be happy for them whilst crying in private.

to make an olive branch move to check she is okay
This may be part of the problem. You've very quickly (encouraged by this thread) moved to 'concern' about your friend rather than contemplating that you might have done something wrong. It's much easier to think she is having a crisis than to examine your own behaviour. Posting here, the message you were considering sending her DH are all about you being concerned about her rather than considering the possibility your actions have had an impact here.
There's nothing to be gained from strangers on MN trying to psychoanalyse you and your friend. Get your DH to call her DH. It's the least a 20yr friendship deserves.

@user32723

I think the Waitrose comment was really shitty. You say you were frowning at your own comment, but noone else would know that. I think it's that, given she called you into the toilet to give you a chance to explain yourself, and you didn't. I suspect she has spoken to the mutual friend about it which has escalated it. I think your excuse about the friend being left wing anti capitalist is a bit rubbish to be honest, I am an educated political left winger who has a part time minimum wage retail job, the flexible hours just suit my family life and I like a job that is physically rather than intellectually hard. I've had a family member asking why I don't 'at least do part time admin'. Most left wing anti capitalist hate how hard working retail and skilled workers are devalued and underpaid in our society. It doesn't mean they would turn their nose up at that kind of work because they don't believe in the current economical system. It's exactly your surprise that keeps minimum wage workers being treated so badly.

Sorry I think you're leaping to conclusions here. We have no evidence whatsoever that that's what's triggered this reaction and there's plenty of evidence that the friend has complex mental health issues which are much more likely to be relevant.

You're perfectly entitled to your views (and I have some sympathy with them) but you're building a complete straw man argument to suit your own desire to have a rant about something and its quite unhelpful.

It's better to talk than to send a card from the point of view of finding out what upset her / what she thinks you did. A card is a message to her, fair enough but it is like a puff of smoke in the air and brings nothing out because you don't actually both speak or communicate.

Ring the husband, relay what's in her message and say 'What's up?' You don't have to say you are worried about her health or this and that. This is your best friend you're talking about, not some casual acquaintance. All you have to say is ' X is my best friend! '. That's self-explanatory that you would be upset, worried and shocked and want to know what brought it about and sound out whether there is anything you can do to retrieve or fix things.

Incidentally, is the 'mutual' friend the one you mentioned as 'her' friend whom you all went out with on Sunday night or is it a different friend who wasn't there? What about the one who was there? Any possibility of finding out something via her?

You say in your draft message that you “understand by is upset with me” but you don’t so don’t say that !
Just be honest and say you received a message from bf, you don’t know what you have done or said to make her block you on sm and could he shed any light or get bf to tell you .
That’s the only way you’ll know

*bf

"Hi x, I received this message from y and it made me a bit concerned. I don't think I did anything that would upset her the other night, and everything's been fine between us since until now. I am worried that she may be unwell? If I genuinely have done something then that's fine and I won't message her again as requested, I just wanted to make you aware that she's acting out of character and you may want to check in with her."

Is she is unwell, why wouldn't you speak to her DH. If he is with her, he may be noticing but not realising. This situation has nothing to do with loyalty or drama. Its purely to do with MH and concern.

You absolutely need to find out . If it was a acquaintance I would leave it but a friend I've know for 20 years .
And she's never done anything like this before?
It's very odd but a friend who would want to cut me off after 20 years without even saying why. You deserve to know if you are good friends.

I don’t think anything you said was offensive.

I think you both overthink things and tie yourselves in knots.

I think it sounds pretty exhausting as though it’s an extension of your work.

It sounds as though she may either be unwell or have taken offence at something. If it is the latter then, as an adult and as a long-standing friend, the non-dysfunctional thing to do would be for her to address it, not you.

I’d give her space. There’s enough drama in life and at work without this.

I'd really need to know what she'd taken offence to! I wouldn't want a good friendship to go to waste. I think I'd send her a letter or just turn up at her door and say 'what did I do?!' Your letter to the DH is good, but he could just ignore it, it doesn't encourage him or her to explain.