To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

Don’t rule out the DH being the issue. My ex husband used to cut my friends off from me one by one over a period of years. It would be that they’d tried it on with him, or they were having an affair and I’d not be allowed to see them anymore. He’s still friends with every single one of them still 10 years on and I am not.

She’s gone way OTT. You actually have no idea what you’re supposed to have done. Had you got spectacularly drunk and started flirting with their DH then absolutely fair enough.

I couldn’t be arsed with this much drama at 40 odd. If she’s been this hostile with you over literally nothing I wouldn’t even bother pursuing the friendship.

We’ve all got our demons to bare in life, but that’s no excuse for treating you like shit. It at the very least giving you the opportunity to put your side forward (and explain)

I would’ve even bother with her

I can't say sorry until I know what I'm apologising for though can I? I can't get a feel for what it could be and neither could DP. And if I'm coming across as me, me, me that's because I can only say it from my perspective as she hasn't told me what her side is. I'm in the dark about what her feelings are about.

I would leave it, tbh. I know people in my life who have varying degrees of mental health problems and one of the first signs of the issues flaring up tends to be cutting people off.

If she's unwell op contact her husband. Flag it to him and offer to help

I would have to message the husband in this situation. I totally understand why you don’t want to though. It’s just worrying that she may be unwell.

DON'T contact the husband. This may be something to do with him. He could be abusive.

a close family member did something very similar to me. Text out of the blue saying they never wanted to have contact with me again about a week after i'd seen them and had had a very pleasant time with them, no issues at all. Blocked all means of contact at the same time. (except the humble letter! they said "don't write" but I thought "i deserve a right to reply", so I wrote. no reply at the time however.)

It was on a background of iffy mental health that had been affecting their relationships with other family members, but up til that point I felt that our relationship was still pretty much intact.

Family member popped up again in my inbox a few months later. Never mentioned the text - as if it never happened. Plenty of tricky things about the relationship still, her mental health being at the root of them - and I still feel like i'm walking on eggshells. But have accepted it's just a part of having a relationship with them now.

All this to say... your friend is probably unwell.... and hopefully will be back eventually. Don't blame yourself. x

That's why I suggested saying that you're sorry she was upset with you. Because clear she is, although it sounds like there's no reason for it. One symptom of mental illness is paranoia, so it could be that this is because of the look on your face about your mutual friend who works at Waitrose.

You possibly upset her unintentionally. If she is mentally unwell now, then looking for a rational reason is pointless. And going through fertility problems is very likely to have been the trigger.

How well do you know her DH?
My brother's partner has a habit of texting from my brother's phone pretending to be him to cause argumemts. She has severe MH issues. She is bery jealous of anyone he is close to and has cut off most of his friends and family.
Could this be something similar?

Have you ever fallen out with her before?

This is really awful of her, honestly. To cut off all contact with no explanation and no chance for you to make it right seems wretched to me. I hope it is a mental health issue, because otherwise she’s just a cruel person.

I agree it sounds like she's not well. I think I'd maybe leave it a little bit and if no further development by next week (i.e. she unblocks with more messages indicating what's going on, etc) then maybe message her husband or another mutual friend you trust and say you aren't sure what is going on but that it could be worth keeping an eye on her.

I know that could sound like a breach of trust to some people, but I have a friend who occasionally relapses into quite severe mental health difficulties, and that's what we do - if she is ill, she needs someone keeping an eye out.

Insightful post @worriedmama1980.
TY for sharing.

I know her DH well. He is lovely, thoughtful and calm. I just don't want him to put him in an awkward position because his loyalty will always be to his wife won't it.

If I was going to send him a message I thought I would leave it a few days and send something like this. How does this sound?

Hi,

I understand BF is upset with me and I am sorry about that. I do not understand what I have done at all, but I respect that she doesn't want to talk to me and I won't try to get in touch again. I just want to say I hope you are both okay, I wish you well and wanted to say I am still contactable via email. Flummox x

I woudn't contact her DH. Because that will be viewed as an intrusion into her private life. She will take it of more evidence of people not being sensitive to her sensitivities!
I would get your DH to contact her DH.
It's a real eggshells situation. Her DH won't want to be involved in a sub-plot involving himself when he's already managing her moods on a day to day basis.

I think someone else who was there, has either lied, exaggerated or totally misunderstood you and has not told your friend until a few days later. This would explain two things:

1. Why you cannot work put anything you've said that's wrong. &
2. Why she responded as normal the next day.

She maybe spoke to the other person a day or two later, and then got told some perceived story about how 'bad' you were/badly you supposedly behaved.

I'm not buying the mentally ill part personally. There are normally much more subtle signs before full on paranoia

@Flummoxed2020

I know her DH well. He is lovely, thoughtful and calm. I just don't want him to put him in an awkward position because his loyalty will always be to his wife won't it.

If I was going to send him a message I thought I would leave it a few days and send something like this. How does this sound?

Hi,

I understand BF is upset with me and I am sorry about that. I do not understand what I have done at all, but I respect that she doesn't want to talk to me and I won't try to get in touch again. I just want to say I hope you are both okay, I wish you well and wanted to say I am still contactable via email. Flummox x

I think that's a lovely, neutral email which applies well to the situation, regardless of what's actually happened

You might know him as lovely but can anyone ever know what goes on behind closed doors?

My friend broke up with her husband of 17 years and we'd always loved him...turns out he was a complete bastard and she hid it for all that time.

He never hit her and was charming in front of others. But he witheld money, lied to her, controlled her and slept with others.

I'm not saying her husband HAS to be like this but there's always a chance.

I wonder if he's got into her head somehow or if he's just never liked you and is making her do this by telling her you're bad for her or something.

Is there anything at all that might give you pause for thought about their relationship?

With mental health difficulties and wanting to be pregnant she may have reduced medication, or be suffering higher stress levels. She may be now wondering what on earth got into her head, but think there is no way back.

I would pop a card in the post, landscape picture or flowers (neutral). Write in it that you will respect her decision, but would like her to know that she can contact you if she would like to discuss it, best wishes X.

You do not owe her an apology, but as you have been friends for so long it may be helpful for her to know that you have a door open...just for now.

I would contact her DH but don’t play it cool!as reading your post I had a sudden thought....

Could she have had her phone stolen or lost it and someone found it?

I would message him saying Hi XX, has Y lost her phone?! Had a strange out of the blue message from Y and now it seems I’ve been blocked on everything! Let me know I don’t know what’s going on.

That should say don’t mention her MH, play it cool.

Actually, I concur with posters saying that her DH might be abusive behind closed doors. No one can ever know. My DM didn't even know that our F was sexually abusing my DSis and me under her nose. And he was actually highly controlling of her, though she never saw it that way. Their friends certainly didn't have a clue. (Although more of them had suspicions than I realised, as I've since found out.)

I'm not saying that this is the case, I hasten to add. But there is a good chance that someone is stirring the pot here, and, yes, it could be her DH.

I think you or your DH should message her DH, if you are friendly. Not to check on her MH explicitly but to get across that you have no idea what's going on and can't think what happened, but hate to think she's angry with you. It might get you closer to finding out what's up.

Personally, I wouldn't just leave it. It sounds to me like she has a tendency to over dramatize things - cornering you in the bathroom over the Waitrose comment was a bit odd, that sounds like such a non event. It seems most likely that she's fabricated a drama in her head and if you always just leave someone like that to it, they will burn all their bridges. Friendships should be two way and in the absence of you having done something obvious, it isn't unreasonable to ask more questions.

I mean, I would leave her to it if you're just coming to the realisation that she's so dramatic you can't be bothered resolving it. But otherwise I would do something.

Sadie9

"It's the 'flight' response when threatened with abandonment. She was scared you didn't love her anymore when your face queried her comment.

This sort of person cuts contact to maintain the control of the relationship. They do the abandoning, rather than risk the hurt of someone else abandoning them."

This is spot on.

I can sort of relate to this behaviour as I have done this sort of thing in the past.

But unless there's some huge drip-feed this is a very extreme and unhealthy response. There's clearly a history of trauma etc but I seriously question whether friendships like this are worth the candle. It's all exhausting and draining and requires so much introspection and second guessing that its hard to actually do anything.

You're obviously hurt and angry, which is understandable, but I think in the long run your life may be happier and healthier without this. The problem with these sorts of friendships is they feed on drama and internal tensions. There's always something to overthink and overanalyse and you end up paralysing yourself with fear. I'd cut your losses and walk.

Do you know her family? Any other friends? I'd go down that path op...not the husband.