To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

Message the husband and make it clear that you will be respecting her wishes and leaving her alone ( I wouldn’t want to have a friendship with her again as would feel very awkward) but if possible, you would just like to know what has upset her. I’m sure he will respond and then I would just leave it and not contact again (unless she is ill).

why dont yu contact her dh incase shes having an episode-why would you just leave it in her mind youre guilty if you dont say a word at least try

And when we were saying our goodbyes on the night she said 'Lets get together and plan Berlin next week' as we said the 6 of us should go to Berlin. And she sent me that nice text on Monday. I am so confused. If I had really pissed her off wouldn't she have had an immediate reaction?

This all sounds very odd OP, from what you say I can't see what you've done to upset her. I think a letter/note, just once, out of concern, might be the right thing to do.

My first thought is that there was another couple there, friends of hers, could they maybe have stirred things up between you both?

I would contact her dh, if anything it gives him the heads up if something is wrong and he can’t see it. Least then he can seek help for her

It seems a little strange really .as a PP just said a lot of hard work /stress for you with this friend! Many people have opposing views and still remain friendly with one another .Maybe contact her DH but remember if she finds out she may become upset with you .Infertility is a difficult thing to come to terms with, and she may be feeling a little jealous of you and your DC as well as having some MH issues.Also you bonded over some shared trauma in your past .Maybe she feels "reminded" of this when you meet up? Whatever, 20 years is a long time to be friends and you do lose the closeness of that bond .I had a BF for 25 years (Met at School!)we used to do everything together but lost touch and havent seen each other for a very long time .Please dont lose sleep this happens an awful lot sadly.Take care and chalk it up to experience ,you have not done anything to hurt her on purpose ,Maybe let it go (as Elsa would say!)and really dont worry .Concentrate on your DH/DC and other friends for now .Sending hugs your way XX

Maybe she is ill, maybe somebody lied to her and told her that you sadi or did something offensive to her.
It's impossible to know unless she is willing to discuss it.
I can understand how deeply upsetting and mind wrecking it must be to lose a friend through no fault of your own, with no warning or explanation.
How is your relationship with the husband, would he respond if you asked him what had upset her so much?

It's the 'flight' response when threatened with abandonment. She was scared you didn't love her anymore when your face queried her comment.

This sort of person cuts contact to maintain the control of the relationship. They do the abandoning, rather than risk the hurt of someone else abandoning them.
Not sure what to advise you to do...
Except to accept that currently she must be in the midst of a highly sensitive emotionally raw episode in her life and unfortunately the close friends and family get the brunt of the lashbacks.
It's like the child in the prolonged huff. If a grown up goes up to the door with a bowl of ice cream they might come out or they might not. But it'll be you that has to be the grown up her because she's not able at the minute.
You did nothing wrong - but there's no point saying that directly to her.
Use a different approach - if you do want to re-ignite the friendship then use the channel of supporting her and having sympathy for her feelings rather than defending your own honor.

I wouldn’t message the husband as she has requested you leave her alone. But I would perhaps send some flowers and a card just expressing how much she means to you, that you would never have meant to upset her and you are sorry if you did and that you will always be there if she wants to rekindle the friendship. That way if it is related to her mental health she can keep the card as evidence you are still there when she comes out the other side and feels she wants to reconnect. But I don’t think from your posts that you did anything wrong so stop worrying you Did

If it were just the text, I would have thought she’d sent it to the wrong person.

I agree, ask your dh to have a friendly word with her Dh.

You definitely need to contact the DH, get some clarity and check on your friend.

Do you know her DP ? Maybe he is manipulative and controlling and feels threatened now you are living closer and having more frequent contact. It's possible he has dripped some poison in her ear, or played on some insecurity she has about you and this was after she wrote you the note. In which case he's not the person to go to to resolve this.

I would text her and tell her categorically you have no idea what she's on about. Don't expect a reply but at least you have let her know. And I probably would contact the husband because of her health history

To be fair that message reads like you’ve previous for this, but possibly you’re unaware and she’s just quietly stewed and said nothing.

It’s the sort of message you write when someone constantly displays the same behaviour and then you get to the stage you’re finally done with it.

I’d think deeply op. Do you take the piss out of her? Discuss her private business? Make jokes at her expense? In any way act superior?

There’s something there. It would seem you’ve previous for it. But also you’re unaware of how it impacts her or what you’re doing.

OP I would get your DH to contact her DH to get to the truth and the bottom of it as you have had such a longstanding and strong friendship with this friend.

There is nothing wrong with them contacting each other.

Can only contact her husband to find out what you said. Otherwise you'll never know. You should do that really and see what he says.

If it were me and I could honestly say I had no idea what had happened, I would need to contact her DP to find out what I had done which had offended her so much. Very likely something she has misinterpreted or something she is overly sensitive to, combined with her perhaps not being well. I think it will eat away at you if you don't ask her.

I would not normally suggest getting the DH involved. However, in this case, I would. Because it is so odd and you say she has had severe mental health issues in the past. And if they are trying, unsuccessfully, for a baby, he needs to know. Because it's entirely possible that he has no idea she's blocked you or that she's told him some crazy story. So I'd send him a very brief message just saying that your'e very confused as you had a lovely day, a brief and happy exchange afterwards and now suddenly she has blocked you. Say of course you'll respect her wishes but that you have no idea what could possibly be the issue and if he has any insight you'd appreciate it as this is a 20 year friendship destroyed with no warning.

I think I would send husband a message in case something is really wrong. She was fine after you met.

Are you sure she sent it? Could her DH have sent it? They've moved away from her existing friends to near you, and now you've been cut off.

It all seems rather odd, that she would send friendly messages and then block you. Perhaps worth contacting her DH

As an aside, I hope your friend doesn't use MN. She could easily recognise herself from this story and you've disclosed a lot of personal info

I would definitely contact her DH and explain it all. He might not even know she's done this, or that anything is going on with her.

Do not wait or give 'her' space - it's likely that this is her mental state talking and not her real self.

The friendship sounds like very hard work.

You are a pair of over thinkers - you sound as if you're in permanent therapist mode analysing power imbalances and flippant comments you make, and you've also tentatively diagnosed her with complex PTSD...

She's called you into the toilets for a private chat to check she hasn't upset you because when she said something, a flicker of a frown crossed your face.

Reminds me of student life - dramatic "deep" utter bollocks . It sounds pretty tiring.

I agree with a PP - you've maybe got history of a certain type of behaviour that gets on her tits and whatever happened that night was, when she thought about it a day or so later, the final straw.

What she's done by messaging you and blocking you like that is shit, I think most people would have messaged her husband by now to see if he's prepared to shed any light, but you don't want to do that, so I don't see there's anything else you can do.

It’s not you it’s her.

I’d write a simple letter, a short “I’m here for you, I love you, let’s work it out when you feel ready”. And then leave it be.

I wouldn’t get too drawn into her mental episode as this is how it starts. I’d leave it well alone but I really think it’s her and not you.