To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

I think you’ve made the right decision in leaving it OP.

Could she suffer from paranoia? My mum suffers from it, she can take against someone for minor things / nothing and it’s very hard to convince her that she’s imagining it. It’s very distressing especially as she refuses to get help. She also sees things (flashing red lights etc) that aren’t there)m.

The only reason it’s bearable for me is because she’s my mum and when she starts to get paranoid about anything I’ve said and done, I don’t have a lot of patience with it and tell her clearly that I haven’t done anything and if she insists that I have, I will go home.

I think that’s the only way to maintain a relationship with a paranoiac without it affecting you severely and I only do so because she’s my mum.

There is no onus on you to get to the bottom of this, think of it as a natural end to the friendship because this would affect your friendship even if she did reach out to you later.

I’m wondering what the DH is like and whether he might have a hand in this - done some stirring, manipulation or whatever. Pure speculation I know, but not sure I’d make contact through him. If you want to leave the door open for her to come back, maybe send a card - nothing OTT, just saying you respect her decision but hope she’s OK or somesuch. Otherwise leave it for now.

Could drink be to blame? Maybe it’s something as simple as she misheard a comment you made on Sunday or got the wrong end of the stick somehow....perhaps she was still hungover the following day hence the cheerful reply to your message but the events of Sunday night (and whatever she thought you’d inferred or said) came back to her a few days later.

@Flummoxed2020

shoeshine you are right. I'm not getting anywhere and I have spent 24 hours obsessing to the detriment of work, DP and my DC. I think the advice of 'If in doubt say nowt' is my instinct here. Thanks all

That's a pity but good luck.

it could be him blocking you on her phone but keeping his open to see if you message him as all part of a creepy game.

Could you speak to the mutual friend that was there would she be able to shed some light on this?

Personally I wouldn't be able to let it go. I would need to know SHE sent it & that she's ok. And if so, what she's talking about!

I'd start with the mutual friend then the DH.

I can understand your feelings of hurt and bewilderment - you sound like a nice person - a decent person and I think you have been treated appallingly by this so-called friend.

You are doing the right thing by Ietting it go. Who just blocks an old and dear friend on all forms of SM without any discussion. It's ludicrous. Fair enough if you'd made a pass at her husband/ had a stand-up row with her in the pub/ been obviously insulting but otherwise this is just not okay.

She should have at least, out of common decency, explained whatever it was that so upset her and given you the chance to recover things. The fact that she's refusing to discuss it and give you the chance to recover things suggests that she knows she's out of order and being unfair. Otherwise she'd give you the chance to put it right.

Is it at all possible her DH has taken a bit of a liking to you and been overly complimentary about you to her after the pub night out and she's done this in a fit of jealousy.

Even if it was the other couple stirring things up she should stick up for you. That's what good friends do.

I'm as forgiving and congenial as anyone but this would really piss me off. It's over the top and smacks of attention seeking. I'd ignore it completely and put it (and her) behind you.

Very difficult situation but maybe write a letter and send it to her. Give her time after that. So sad not to know what's going on.
Hopefully she'll come round but who knows what's she is thinking.

One thing you could do is ask your mutual friends whether they know what she's upset about? Although you did say that when she gave you her reasons for cutting off other friends, you thought her reasons sounded reasonable. So they might think she's justified for cutting you off. (In which case, it would be a good idea to give them your version.)

What happened OP? Did you get it sorted? Xx

Have you heard from her dh op? Surely if she is poorly her dh will be grateful for your support as such a long standing friend.. You aren't asking him to pick a side by messaging him imo.