To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

What a horrible situation to be in. It certainly sounds as if she thinks you've gone too far on social media (not the Waitrose thing). I had a good friend, someone I saw/was in contact with nearly every day, unfriend me on FB a couple of years ago. I knew I'd been a PITA but it was still a very big shock. I contacted him two months later, at New Year, to wish him well etc, said we'd had some good times, hadn't we, etc. He came back agreeing, and asking me why I'd blocked him! It had been a FB error - if you google it, it happens all the time! It could've saved a lot of hurt if one of us had contacted the other straight away. Hope you get answers xx

I briefly had a relationship with a man with complex PTSD and that ended abruptly after a trivial event. Well, I say abruptly, he tried to work through it for a few days but couldn't and that was that. Thinking back, from his comments on his previous relationships that he told me about they all ended very suddenly like that. He never spoke of a build up to it, or a waning relationship, or anything like that.
They did something he didn't like so he walked.

You don't need to read much of mumsnet to know friendships sometimes end for inexplicable reasons to the person who was dumped. You can't do much about it, and even if she is ill, you can't fix her. You need to work through your pain and let this one go, I think.

Another vote for sending her a very short little card. "I love you and I'm sorry that you're hurting. My door is always open to you."

@Flummoxed2020

the suggestion of a card is excellent and shows concern and gives the chance to explain [kindly] as to what she thinks happens. No mention I would say of any MH issues

No drip feed. I have overshared if anything.

I think the Waitrose comment was really shitty. You say you were frowning at your own comment, but noone else would know that. I think it's that, given she called you into the toilet to give you a chance to explain yourself, and you didn't. I suspect she has spoken to the mutual friend about it which has escalated it. I think your excuse about the friend being left wing anti capitalist is a bit rubbish to be honest, I am an educated political left winger who has a part time minimum wage retail job, the flexible hours just suit my family life and I like a job that is physically rather than intellectually hard. I've had a family member asking why I don't 'at least do part time admin'. Most left wing anti capitalist hate how hard working retail and skilled workers are devalued and underpaid in our society. It doesn't mean they would turn their nose up at that kind of work because they don't believe in the current economical system. It's exactly your surprise that keeps minimum wage workers being treated so badly.

I can speak as someone who has been diagnosed with complex PTSD. I have a tendency to push people away and not want to get too close. I don't cope well with physical closeness, which has been hard for my DH and close family. (It isn't the case with my DDs.)

Closeness to people can be scary, because of the fear of them hurting us. I dumped an ex boyfriend out of the blue by letter years ago (he'd been getting too intense too quickly), and I picked an argument with another boyfriend, who dumped me. This was 25 years ago, but I can see that it does show a kind of pattern. (I've been in a relationship with my DH for 18 years so I have grown past that now.£

I can't imagine behaving like your friend has, that is very extreme, and if it isn't down to MH issues then she's been very cruel. But do you think that it's connected to you living much nearer to each other and it's too much for her?

Whatever the reasons, hold onto the fact that this is about her and not anything you've done. Wracking your brains for reasons for the way she's behaved to you is pointless; there may well not be one and you know you haven't done anything to cause this.

I feel like I could have written this myself. A really close friend did the same to me, a few days after the incident she had took offence too and with perfectly normal exchanges in between. She had cut people off in similar ways before but I never expected it of our relationship.

The cutting off is the most hurtful bit and I still don't understand what happened. All I could do was raise my concerns about her wellbeing with mutual friends, etc and hope that they looked out for her. I don't see anything wrong with a message to her husband stating you don't understand what has happened, you are sorry if you have inadvertently caused offence and you are there if she needs you.

I agree you should contact the husband.
If you don't, your friend could see it that you just don't give a shit and she was justified in cutting you off, not that you're giving her the space you think she's asked for.
I don't know whether or not she has an actual reason for suddenly cutting you off, perhaps she does, perhaps it is her mental health that's causing this sudden rift - but either way, you should still show that you DO care by contacting her husband. You're "respecting her boundaries" by not contacting her directly, but showing you care by still wanting to know that she's ok.

Sounds all very odd - but you might have said something that touched a nerve with her that was a "straw that broke the camel's back" type of thing - she's let it go many times before but this time was just the last one, who knows?!

Hope the DH at least replies to you and lets you know that your friend is ok.

If it was the comment about Waitrose, why didn't the friend challenge her at the time? The OP would have apologised, as she had realised that her comment was out of order, and apologised. Why instead drag her into the toilets? The OP didn't know that was what it was about.

They had also been exchanging friendly texts after the evening before the friend blocked her, so it doesn't make sense.

It's a comment that the OP could have been pulled up on; it didn't need to lead to a massive drama.

My guess is that she's feeling overwhelmed with life and isn't coping too well. She's only recently moved house and is having fertility treatment (both big things) . Perhaps she's struggling with lockdown easing and seeing more of people again too. (I am!) Your friendship has gone from meeting up once a month to more frequently, she's at final straw stage and it's all just a bit more than she can cope with atm (even if going out was at her suggestion!). My guess is that you're getting the fallout from months of her pent up stress and emotion simply because you're a safe person that she knows and trusts but at the same time a bit removed from her day to day life so she doesn't have to face the consequences of her actions. I doubt her husband even knows about the message and blocking tbh. Please don't lose sleep over it as it sounds like her issues, not yours! I think I'd reply to your friend to say sorry you upset her, you don't know what you did wrong but hope she's okay and then I'd just leave it for a bit.

@MagMell

The only odd bit that actually stands out now (in hindsight) was that she called me into the toilet to check that she hadn't upset me about a comment she had made about our mutual friend.

Honestly, this friendship sounds deeply hard work and slightly teenage. I can't imagine a situation in which a friend summons me to the loo on a night out to check when she'd upset me in conversation. Is this the level this friendship generally works on? I mean, is calling you off into the loo to retread conversational ground normal for the two of you?

It's reminding me of a friend of a friend who, despite a high-powered medical job, has a habit of contacting anyone she's been out with socially afterwards to check she hasn't done anything to annoy or upset them. The first time I was in a group social situation with her, having never previously met her, she asked my friend for my email address so she could check she hadn't pissed me off by something she'd said or done. (I think we'd exchanged the most minor social chitchat.) I made it very clear that she hadn't but I wasn't going to be checked with every time we saw one another subsequently.

From what MagMell says if this friendship is deeply hard work and slightly teenage then you need to decide if this and the aftermath is what you want in your life.

If your friend is mentally ill/psychosis etc you also need to think about how/whether you really want to get involved.

I've had both types of relationship (see above) - the first one it depends if you want a friendship like that with lots of drama and very intense, as it tends not to get better and is very draining.

The mentally ill/psychosis one can be equally draining depending on if she's on meds, getting better etc.

I'm not saying you should end the friendship over both of the above scenarios but if it is upsetting and concerning you to this extent (and it would do this to most people) then you really need to work out what you're getting out of the friendship. Sometimes also certain people in friendships take on the role of 'enabler', 'saviour' etc - you really need to ask yourself do you want to place yourself in this type of role or have a calmer, stress free relationship.

Sadly in both my cases I ended the friendship with the first person and the second person sadly ended her life a few years ago. I can't say I miss the drama in my life though one little bit.

I don't know if I'm missing something about that Waitrose comment but I just don't think it's that bad. Almost everyone I know has at some point said something more questionable than that and I haven't stopped being friends with them. I mean I get that snobbery isn't great, but this would not be my line.

I wouldn't send a card saying hope your okay because she has made it clear that she is angry about something she 'perceives' the OP did on Sunday and that isn't acknowledging her feelings of wanting the OP to leave her alone as seen by blocking contact.

I would contact her partner though.

OP, you've reported that you have strong gut instincts and I'd be inclined to listen to them. Your reasoning in all your updates is also sound. You said:

I understand why people think it's odd that I don't want to parachute in there and try fix or intervene in this, as it's a really weird behaviour but it's my gut feeling that if I do try contacting her DH/sending her notes/turning up at her house it will only service to give her evidence that I don't respect her boundaries or needs and might escalate her anger/mental health issues.

I don't find this odd at all. In the circumstances I don't think you've been left much choice. She's stated in no uncertain terms that she has no intention of discussing anything, and has blocked off every avenue of contact on social media.

I think it would be wise to respect that request. It's the only way you can take the heat out of the situation, and if she's a 'true' friend, she will at some point come back. If you intervene in any way, it will escalate. You can't fix this; she's left you no avenues through which to fix it.

In the meantime, I think you're right not to make assumptions about the possible state of her mental health. At the same time, don't beat yourself up or constantly question what it is you may or may not have done. That isn't your baggage to carry. It belongs to someone else, and should be left with them.

I'm sorry you're in this position; I know it's very hurtful

See i don't get this, if it was a message from a friend of mine, I would be round at theirs the same day to see what was going on/they were ok.

I think past behaviour is very predictive of future behaviour. Retrospectively those moments where she has cut other people off probably predicted this. I mean I have never cut off a person, have let friendships slide and have have phased things out but cutting off. So dramatic and so often alluding to layers of drama, hurt and defensiveness. The whole toilet thing - more drama. I think she is possibly unwell, you are heading the brunt of something but as you say, who knows what. I would message her hubby and see what happens.

From what MagMell says if this friendship is deeply hard work and slightly teenage then you need to decide if this and the aftermath is what you want in your life. If your friend is mentally ill/psychosis etc you also need to think about how/whether you really want to get involved. I've had both types of relationship (see above) - the first one it depends if you want a friendship like that with lots of drama and very intense, as it tends not to get better and is very draining.

This is what I would be thinking. Alarm bells ring for me with the description of her calling you into the bathroom in the middle of the party to check nothing serious was wrong, while you merrily thought everyrhing was fine. The only friends of mine that have been like this have been very intense and attention seeking, constantly seeking out those "serious friend moments". It lowers the tone of any fun social gathering and is very draining.

If you are concerned your BF may be heading in to another episode of mental illness, I think you should contact her DH. Either he hasn't noticed and it would be helpful just to put him on the alert a bit, or he's way ahead of you and is likely to need support in the near future.
In my view, part of supporting friends through difficult times can be offering support to those closer to them. This way you aren't overstepping or promising what you can't do, but you are helping the person who is helping your friend.
Being the partner of someone going through that is tough!

Can't your DH call her DH? Don't email him. Your friend will see that as more intrusive and he is less likely to be honest in writing. Your DH should tell the truth ie he doesn't know what happened, can her DH shed some light?

I think some of the PPs are being a bit unfair about the waitrose comment. It's not about it being beneath her to work in a supermarket it sounds like its about her choice of which one being surprising given what OP knows about her political views. Even on that basis OP seems to have accepted it was a silly comment and I really don't think you can write an entire history about someone being a snob about supermarket workers when OP herself has said her own mum works in Asda and presumably the friend knew this too. We also have no idea about the person's background, if they've had similar jobs previously then maybe it's not surprising but if they were working as a qualified musician for the London symphony orchestra before you might find it a surprising career move.
Even if you were deeply and utterly offended by the waitrose comment surely you wouldn't just completely block out a friend of 20 years without at least telling them that was why? I am assuming, OP, that you haven't had similar discussions with your friend before as you haven't mentioned it. If this kind of thing came up all the time then maybe it could have been the last straw but it doesn't sound like that's the case?
I'm absolutely sure there's something else going on here, and I think it's fair for you to understand what that is OP, because losing a friendship like this is a form of grief for most people and it's very difficult to move on if you can't even understand the rationale.

I had a friend like this, we were really close for about 5 years then one day, she just ghosted me over a comment I'd made. I'd no recollection of my comment being inflammatory and just had to go with it, despite trying to contact her and chat to her about this several times over many months. Eventually I moved on, it was a bit like grieving for the friendship I missed and the good times etc. But now, with hindsight it was a godsend. My life is so much more stress free without her, I can be me around friends, ( she used to get jealous etc). All very odd, she's done it to many people before and since and similarly I used to think that they were the odd people falling out with her. However, we're now at the stage where we can see one another at a party and chat for a few mins in a civilised way, rather than her avoiding me. I make sure we're never alone, and the instances are few and far between. I'm sure it will be painful for you, but in time I think you'll feel relieved. I didn't ever contact her DH, no idea what you think you should do. Whatever decision you come to is probably the right one. Good luck with it.

Any chance you'd committed to a plan (phoning her, dropping something over) that night, and then forgot.

I still think it sounds as if she's in a very iffy situation with her mental health, but I'm just wondering about triggers.

@aSofaNearYou

From what MagMell says if this friendship is deeply hard work and slightly teenage then you need to decide if this and the aftermath is what you want in your life. If your friend is mentally ill/psychosis etc you also need to think about how/whether you really want to get involved. I've had both types of relationship (see above) - the first one it depends if you want a friendship like that with lots of drama and very intense, as it tends not to get better and is very draining.

This is what I would be thinking. Alarm bells ring for me with the description of her calling you into the bathroom in the middle of the party to check nothing serious was wrong, while you merrily thought everyrhing was fine. The only friends of mine that have been like this have been very intense and attention seeking, constantly seeking out those "serious friend moments". It lowers the tone of any fun social gathering and is very draining.

It’s this that makes me think the psychosis is ramping up.

I had a friendship of sorts with the wife of XH’s best bud.

She had properly uncontrolled schizophrenia and psychosis. The whole thing was tragic but completely out of anyone’s control as she would literally hear voices and accuse me/any other woman she was close to of saying the worst stuff.

You have two options here; you can message her DH and risk her wrath re boundaries or you can step right back and wait. And wait forever if need be.

It’s the hardest thing ever to deal with as you are accused of something so absolutely left field you start doubting yourself when what it is is the invention of someone who’s ill and there’s naff all you can do about it.

The Waitrose thing is me picking out literally the only bit that could have been a communication issue.

BF: 'Anna' has struggled in lockdown as people have been rude to her at work.
Me: That's awful. I didn't think 'Anna' would like working at Waitrose.
BF: She DOES have nice colleagues Flummox.
Then I frowned and thought, my Mum works in Asda, what a weird thing to think, why wouldn't Anna like it? The conversation moved on.

It was only when she signalled me into the toilet later that I felt I had to verbalise and explain it. I have had 27 jobs, I would do anything to feed my DC's. I am not a job snob and as soon as I said it I wondered. The Waitrose thing is a red herring, it is just me adding 2+2 and coming up with 7.

No, Megmell and Sofa you are right. The drama and upset is not good. I have been merrily thinking everything is fine since Sunday. Oblivious. I am not in control of any of this and I feel tied up in knots and worried so dithering. I either have to make an olive branch move to check she is okay or let it go.