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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

262 replies

Flummoxed2020 · 10/09/2020 10:14

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 10/09/2020 10:18

My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression

There's your answer, i'm afraid. She is becoming unwell again, and has created a situation in her head that didn't happen. Its very distressing, but realistically, there isnt much you can do except remind yourself that its the illness talking, not your lovely friend.

Scbchl · 10/09/2020 10:25

Can you contact her husband about the message and you and your husbands complete confusion and check she is okay. Twenty years is a long friendship and if you were the sort of person who did say things that upset her in general chit chat when you weren't actually trying to, or she was overly sensitive to things you were saying. It would of come up before now.

Could you of said something about pregnancy, childbirth or your kids as babies that she was upset by if she is trying. Has she been trying for long?

Original poster
Flummoxed2020 · 10/09/2020 10:26

Thanks funny.

My DP said the same thing and said I should message her DH to ask if she is okay but I don't want to do that because I want to respect her wishes not to discuss it and also I don't want to react defensively and immediately assume it is her MH and not me. I would take responsibility if I have upset her but would like to know how! She has cut other friends off before and her reasons for doing so have seemed valid, if not a little overblown, but I have only ever heard her side of the story.

OP posts:
FarTooMuchWashing · 10/09/2020 10:28

Flowers I think contacting the husband may be the way to go out of concern for her. If she’s becoming unwell, he needs to know. Taking what you’ve written at face value, I can’t see any other reason for her actions.
I’m so sorry, this is horrible for you.

Original poster
Flummoxed2020 · 10/09/2020 10:33

Scbchl She has been trying for nearly 2 years and has her first fertility appointment soon. I asked DP if he remembers me saying anything 'off' about the DC but he said i was just saying to the other couple that they had coped during lockdown and that I had felt quite worried about children's outcomes overall. DP said i didn't talk about the DC that much tbh.

The only odd bit that actually stands out now (in hindsight) was that she called me into the toilet to check that she hadn't upset me about a comment she had made about our mutual friend. She said I frowned/flinched but I reassured her that I hadn't thought anything and that I had been wondering to myself about my own bias (I had said that I was surprised our mutual friend enjoyed working at Waitrose, then frowned to myself wondering why I was surprised, and BF had said 'She has nice colleagues there'. That is literally the only bit of the conversation that I can think has blown up but it was so benign. It was just me being a bit over analytical if anything.

OP posts:
Tappering · 10/09/2020 10:36

I would message her DH.

She's entitled to ask you not to try and discuss it with her - but she can't stop you from discussing it with someone else.

TheLastStarfighter · 10/09/2020 10:39

Just a thought in relation to the "suprised she enjoyed working at Waitrose" comment.... is there any level of inequality between you that might have built up resentment?

HazelWong · 10/09/2020 10:39

I would send her a card or letter. Just setting out that you really value her friendship and you genuinely don't know what you did to upset her but she is always welcome to contact you to talk about it

BurMaMa2 · 10/09/2020 10:41

How very upsetting for you.Given your personal and professional knowledge, I think you will know it's her unsteady mental state that's talking, rather than her "real" self. Perhaps send a neutral sort of card in a few weeks' time and see how she responds? Remember all those "Resilience in Practice" courses we all dutifully attended? 😒

Nannewnannew · 10/09/2020 10:42

Do you think the message may have been for someone else and she’s sent it to you by mistake? Perhaps you could write her a letter and tell her that you’re very sorry if you’ve upset her and it certainly wasn’t intentional. Or maybe, as a pp said she is going through a psychotic episode.

CultOfWax · 10/09/2020 10:48

The surprised our mutual friend enjoyed working at Waitrose sounds a bit off tbh, but not worthy of cutting you off completely unless you have a long history of appearing to look down on people/their jobs/lives.

Original poster
Flummoxed2020 · 10/09/2020 10:52

There is absolutely no inequality between us at all - we are on exactly the same band in the NHS and I am very aware of power and difference because I have studied it, hence why I frowned at myself when I said I didn't think our mutual friend would enjoy working at Waitrose. I caught myself and thought 'Where on earth have you got that from?' and as I explained to my BF when she pullled me into the toilet, I checked myself because my Mum works at Asda and loves it so there is no reason for me to think in those terms. It was more because our friend is very left wing and I think I was thinking about the capitalism bit but then said mentally 'Catch yourself on, you dickhead' and shut up. But even if you thought I was trying to be superior wouldn't you just tell me to shut up?

I think the message was definitely intended for me as she has blocked me on all platforms so there is no mistake that it is directed at me.

OP posts:
catnoir1 · 10/09/2020 10:54

You either message the husband or you leave her be.

shesgonebatshitagain · 10/09/2020 10:58

@catnoir1

You either message the husband or you leave her be.
I agree with this
Original poster
Flummoxed2020 · 10/09/2020 10:58

I do not look down on people/jobs/lives because I have been in the gutter myself.. I have made loads of mistakes in my life and haven't had a privileged past tbh (drugs, domestic violence marriage, lone parenting, self harm, an eating disorder) so I can't come from a position of anything, I have royally fucked up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flummoxed2020 · 10/09/2020 10:59

I want to leave her be. That is my instinct. But I just wanted to get other people's take on it because it is eating me up a bit tbh.

OP posts:
MagMell · 10/09/2020 11:00

The only odd bit that actually stands out now (in hindsight) was that she called me into the toilet to check that she hadn't upset me about a comment she had made about our mutual friend.

Honestly, this friendship sounds deeply hard work and slightly teenage. I can't imagine a situation in which a friend summons me to the loo on a night out to check when she'd upset me in conversation. Is this the level this friendship generally works on? I mean, is calling you off into the loo to retread conversational ground normal for the two of you?

It's reminding me of a friend of a friend who, despite a high-powered medical job, has a habit of contacting anyone she's been out with socially afterwards to check she hasn't done anything to annoy or upset them. The first time I was in a group social situation with her, having never previously met her, she asked my friend for my email address so she could check she hadn't pissed me off by something she'd said or done. (I think we'd exchanged the most minor social chitchat.) I made it very clear that she hadn't but I wasn't going to be checked with every time we saw one another subsequently.

SerenDippitty · 10/09/2020 11:01

I think you would be perfectly justified in contacting her husband to tell him you are horrified at the thought you may have inadvertently upset her and are worried about her.

diddl · 10/09/2020 11:01

Her saying that you went too far with her does suggest that it isn't about the friend in the supermarket comment.

Which is an odd thing to say!

I think that I would contact her husband & say that you are worried about her & can't think what you said that has caused her reaction?

Or is that putting it too much on her?

Petitmum · 10/09/2020 11:01

It does sound odd - I think you have to contact her husband. I would want to know I had tried everything I could in this situation - what have you got to lose, she has already blocked you.

Witchend · 10/09/2020 11:03

Has she actually blocked you?
My first thought is it was meant for someone else.
However I think messaging the dh-or possibly getting your dh to do might be more neutral, would be the right thing to do.

RoseTintedAtuin · 10/09/2020 11:09

From the beginning of your post I thought she had messaged wrong person but yes the blocking suggests it is aimed at you. I would suggest giving her space and time but do get in touch after 3-4 weeks explaining you really aren’t sure what the cause was but you apologise for whatever has upset her and would appreciate it if you could discuss how she is feeling.

44PumpLane · 10/09/2020 11:10

Another vote for contacting the husband, let him know you want to respect her boundaries but that both you and your husband cannot think what you have done to upset her but clearly it was something significant to your friend and therefore you'd like to understand.

I'd perhaps word it in a manner that implies you'd like to know for self improvement purposes, so that if he shares it with his wife it looks kinder than saying you're worried about her mental health as a first approach.

When you have an answer (or not) from him, you can work out how to proceed (or not).

Original poster
Flummoxed2020 · 10/09/2020 11:11

Magmell No, it has never ever been like this. We say all sorts about things, mostly in dark humour, and we have never said 'You offended me' in anyway before. We have always just had a nice, supportive friendship Confused When she pulled me into the toilet DP said afterwards 'What was that about?' and I said 'I don't know really tbh!'

OP posts:
sadie9 · 10/09/2020 11:12

She has a history of cutting contact with friends. If you fall out with one person it could be them. If you fall out with 10 people it's probably you.
She is someone who worries and second guesses what others are thinking about her. Paranoid traits to a degree we could say?
She had to call you into a dramatic chat in the loo to get reassurance that something she said hadn't offended you. I presume all she said was 'did you hear Angie is working in Waitrose'.

We could analyse what's really happening is that with this type of personality could be as follows: she cannot accept part of herself that she seeks as 'bad'...so others end up getting blamed. When she said to you 'you went too far with me' her thought process afterwards when obsessing about it was 'I went too far saying that. Flummox was annoyed with me for mentioning Waitrose. Her face went funny after I said it. I shouldn't have done it. But it's her fault for making me have these feelings. She shouldn't be making me feel bad when she knows how sensitive and emotionally damaged I am. Flummox is a bad person and I will block her'.