To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

Honestly, I would be more honest.

Dear friend's dh,
I had this message from friend last night, adn she has blocked me on all social media. I am confused and distraught. I have no idea what I have done, or what thinks I have done. And I need to know what is so awful that she can't even talk to me about it. Please.

It might not be the best thing, but it is what I would do.

@Flummoxed2020

I feel completely exhausted reading all this and you sound it
I don’t blame you

This thread could go on forever

Whatever you do or don’t do there will be pros and cons

Stop tying yourself up in knots here because it doesn’t change a thing

She is your best friend
You know her in ways we don’t and in ways nobody else does

Trust your instincts and whatever they are telling you. It shouldn’t be this hard.

I don't understand the pain of infertility at all. I never claimed to. I understand the gravity of the impact it has but I don't know how it feels and I didn't want to jump into 'blaming' her actions it on that as I don't want to be accused of deflection. Same as her MH. I didn't want to automatically assume it was that. If it's my behaviour, then I will accept and take responsibility for it but not allowing me to know what she is thinking and casting me adrift has confused the hell out of me.

shoeshine you are right. I'm not getting anywhere and I have spent 24 hours obsessing to the detriment of work, DP and my DC. I think the advice of 'If in doubt say nowt' is my instinct here. Thanks all

@Flummoxed2020

I don't understand the pain of infertility at all. I never claimed to. I understand the gravity of the impact it has but I don't know how it feels and I didn't want to jump into 'blaming' her actions it on that as I don't want to be accused of deflection. Same as her MH. I didn't want to automatically assume it was that. If it's my behaviour, then I will accept and take responsibility for it but not allowing me to know what she is thinking and casting me adrift has confused the hell out of me.

Just stop You are going to make yourself ill

If she genuinely suffers from psychotic episodes then you need to contact the OH. She could be masking her mental state from him and others, with only random things like this coming through, when she is actually sinking deeply into psychosis. This is incredibly dangerous for someone and joining up the dots is the only way for it to become apparent.

My friends and our OH's have a pact with one of our friends who has episodes, if any one of us has a weird experience with her we will contact the others to join the dots and assess if she has become at risk.

You have nothing to lose by doing this out of concern for her wellbeing. If he/they still tell you feck off then so be it.

@Flummoxed2020 if I were you I would either delete or hide this thread

Please take care of yourself

My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression

Oh dear dear , but this
Very sad
I’d also ping her husband but leave it a while

Really shit

I think you were right not to assume that it was due to your friend's fertility issues, OP. From what you've said, you didn't say anything that could have caused offence if it was me. If the thread had been about your friend ghosting you, then I would have thought it might have been because of the infertility, but from what you've shared I can't see that you said anything that could have caused offence to her because of that.

The only way the infertility could be relevant would be if it had pushed your friend over the edge in terms of her mental health.

If it had come from him it would seem odd he has not blocked me.

Abusive partners are very often charming, sweet, kind, etc to others and those outside the relationship can find it very hard to believe that they could be controlling.

For an abuser to send this sort of message, block you and remain friends with you himself would be perfectly logical. By remaining friends with you, he is able to check for signs of whether cutting you off has worked.

I would send the friend a bunch of flowers with a note saying simply that you will always be there for her if she should need you and try to make sure it is delivered when he's not around, just in case..

Sad story. Something very similar happened to me, except without the message. My dearest friend of 30 years just blocked me on everything for no reason at all that I was aware of. I was heartbroken and not knowing why was torture. I tried for a while to see her before it percolated that she wanted nothing to do with me.
Eventually, years later, we met by chance and she told me that she had been very stressed, and was sorry We saw each other and got to something like our previous level of friendship. Then I experienced a huge crisis, a very sudden bereavement, and she turned on me again, blamed me for events completely outside my control and screamed at me. It was so irrational that I could not feel any responsibility, and I walked away.
I think that relationships based on shared negative experiences can be quite unhealthy. Weirdly, I think my friend felt threatened when I dealt with stuff well. I miss her, but my life is better without her in it.

This happened to me.

I think you'll hear from her again in a while. But I'm sorry, I do wonder if you'll feel you want to be as close again. It would almost be easier if it's a straightforward manic depressive episode etc rather than some aspect of a deeply ingrained personality issue. But sometimes we don't really know people until we live closer to them.

I would send her a card saying “I have no idea what I’ve done to upset you, can you please at least let me know what it was I did or said as I’m wracking my brain etc...”

If she doesn’t respond, at least you’ve tried. Personally I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who treated me like that...

I just feel for you but I do think a real friend would at least tell you why .

It’s just very sad ☹️

I had a slight falling out with my son recently and it was so hurtful . It all came pouring out eventually and I do not think it was justified but I just said sorry in the end because it hurt so much .

So sending 💐

Are you a natural flirt but just don’t realise it fully? Did you flirt a bit with the men in the group and she didn’t like it? Otherwise, I can’t think of a reason why I’d suddenly do this to a friend without said friend knowing!

You have done nothing wrong. She is having an episode which is actually nothing to do with you at all.

She's not behaving in a sane way.

Surely her DH should be made aware? For her own wellbeing.

OP
Yoh may be the only person who is privy to her break, and you are doing nothing?

With respect, you are acting like a wounded child rather than a responsible grown up.
What if she hurts herself?

I do hope you get it sorted. I'd leave it a week or two and then send a letter or email to DH to pass on.

Really, the only rational reason I can think of (the Waitrose comment can't be it, I don't see that at all) is that she might feel that you were being smug about your happy family when she is struggling to conceive. Trying to conceive month after month can make you absolutely obsessive, counting the days until your expected period. Is it possible that she had just started her period and that caused her to lose it? It used to be so soul destroying every time my period came, and being around happy mums was the last thing I wanted.

Even that explanation doesn't make sense, though. I had my SIL tell me I shouldn't have IVF because of the 'spare embryos'. She had 3 DC of her own then (she now has 5), so it was a lot of cheek for her to say that. But I got past that and we get on okay (not close, but I managed not to break contact with her.

But I do wonder whether your friend just couldn't cope with being around you at the moment and lashed out. I don't think it would excuse her behaviour but it might explain it. So maybe wait a few days and then make contact with a card and letter, once she's had a chance to calm down.

It might be worth a heads-up to her DH if you really do think he understands that her MH is fragile, though I suspect he knows more than you know about her mental health. If he's a decent man, he'll be going through the infertility struggle as well, so he'll know what you're talking about; my DH always knows when I'm struggling and e we is happy for me to have the support I need.

This reminds me so much of something I went through with MIL a few months ago. We are really close and talk most days, and we had a lovely long chat on the phone one night, parted on very good terms, nothing untoward had happened during the call, and the next night she sent me a message telling me not to contact her - and she didn't speak to me again for 3 months. I beat myself up that whole time and she told DH that I had said things I had never said and would never say. He is convinced she is mentally unwell as she has these "episodes" every so often but we don't know how to approach the subject, or indeed if to. DH talked to her many times about how much it was upsetting me and all of a sudden she just snapped out of it again.

We have always just had a nice, supportive friendship confused When she pulled me into the toilet DP said afterwards 'What was that about?' and I said 'I don't know really tbh!'. Then surely this is your answer, that she is experiencing paranoia? What is your relationship with her husband like? Could she think you are over friendly with him (if she is feeling paranoid).

@Flummoxed2020. Have you thought about why she moved so far to be near you if you have been such an allegedly poor friend? It seems strange. Or, maybe the closeness is too much for her and she has found an excuse to knock things on the head.

More likely she has unmet needs that haven't been solved by the OP who now "should" be able to because she's closer.

@Shockingstocking. That's very insightful and yes, probably true now that I think about it. I wonder what those needs are (and whether even she knows what they are or whether she has un/sub consciously chosen something else to focus her grievances on).

I had something similar happen with a long term friend following a visit. I emailed thanking her for the hospitality and she basically said the visit didn’t go well and good luck with my life. I couldn’t pinpoint any major issues and in the end I emailed back (pre social media) and said I was unsure of what had happened but that I was open to talking. I never heard from her again! She has form for cutting people off.

I found it very difficult and sad and ultimately unnecessary. I honestly kind of obsesses about it for a while. In the end I had to let it go as it was out of my control. It’s not something I’ve ever again experienced and I still can’t figure it out.