To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

I wouldn't message the DH. I would send her a card saying:

"I have obviously done or said something to hurt you and for that I am really sorry. You are the last person I would want to upset.
I will respect your wishes and your boundaries, but I would be grateful for an explanation so I can apologise properly or explain.
If I don't hear back, I want you to know that I will continue to care about you and I will be here when you are ready."

I'm confused as to why you would not want to discuss this with her DH - surely you are concerned for her welfare and want her to get the help she needs? That starts by not ignoring clear signs of mental health problems.

I would just leave her be. You know that you haven’t done anything wrong.
She’s blocked you on everything so trying to contact her via her husband seems like a waste of energy to me. She wants you to leave her alone for whatever reason.

Either she’ll spend some time reflecting and then reach out to you, or she won’t. Whether you would want to re-connect with her is up to you. Like you say, you’d be on edge and unable to relax around her again.

If you can, focus on the things in life that make you happy. Family, other friends, hobbies etc. Don’t let this get you down too much.

Oh Laurie that sounds really tough. Good luck for the surgery. I hope it's not too big of an operation

I have obviously done or said something to hurt you and for that I am really sorry. You are the last person I would want to upset.

Why should OP grovel and beg for forgiveness when she is sure she hasn’t done anything wrong?
That’s not a healthy dynamic to be in.

OP, has she definitely deleted you off social media rather than deactivated hers?

I think your husband should ask her husband. I also think it’s really odd that you’ve picked apart a really innocuous comment and are wondering if that’s what’s she has taken offence to - even though you must know that would be a severe overreaction if so?

She’s your best friend. You value her time. You know she has been unwell in the past. I honestly don’t know why you’re willing to just let that go rather than ask the question of her husband. Seems a waste of 20 years of friendship.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

The fact you've equated working at waitrose as being "in the gutter" says it all. Your friend has probably realised you're quite a snob tbh.

They've been friends for 20 years; it seems unlikely that she'd just now be realizing the OP is a snob (not agreeing that she is). Even if she did, is this something you'd end a 20 year friendship over?

OP, you have nothing to lose by speaking to her DH. The friendship is over, talking to her DH might just give you the closure you need to put the friendship behind you if he can give you an idea of what caused this.

Hi OP,
(If your friend is not becoming unwell) The "went too far with me" comment sounds like someone who teased the person, or disagreed insensitevely e.g. "we're buying x house/very excited" reply: " ...ooh we couldn't manage without an ensuite..." etc or flirted with her husband.

Your husband agrees with you that you didn't talk about your children much but perhaps 2 years into fertility treatment any talk of children at all is too painful for her? That doesn't make her right or you wrong but just might be where she is at at the moment.

It is clear from your post that you question yoyrself and look at your behaviour but I think you place too much emphasis on "I couldn't do x because I am a trained professional" or "I wouldn't think Y because I have experienced it" but you are human not a drone and we all make mistakes.

Not sure I buy the whole "left wing" shop thing tbh. I think you have rewritten history there. You wouldn't be happy working in a shop but other people can do what they like. My care work involves cleaning toilets every night. I'm very happy in my job and don't consider myself remotely in the gutter. I think people that work stressful jobs just to pay 90% of their wages in child care are mugs tbh but none of my business.

Yes your friend may be ill or just very stressed with the fertility treatment but being told that will probably anger her so yes wait in the wings. I can't see much harm in one "sorry I upset you - would love it if you could tell me what I've done" text and leave it at that.

As you live quite close to her, and have a very long friendship to protect, I would be inclined to pop over after work, unannounced, and ask her straight out what has happened. It really sounds like some crossed wires, and I wouldn't risk ending a friendship on such bad (and odd!) terms.

I would say she's having a meltdown.

I think the key thing is to stay calm so it can pass and the friendship can weather the storm.

I think that HumousWhereTheHeartIs suggestion is actually quite good - although I would make it a text rather than a card which could be a bit full on.

Basically I think the message needs to be - I get that you're having a meltdown - I'm here if you need me (but obviously don't say it like that).

Check in with her in say another couple of months.

At some point you will have to make a decision whether you can continue to maintain a relationship with someone who is dysfunctional - but I don't think you're at that stage yet.

And if you can take it as a learning experience of how to regulate your own emotions when someone is being dysfunctional.

I used to be MASSIVELY dysfunctional in my friendships. I am now just sometimes a bit dysfunctional in my friendships. My best friend of 20 years I let go because I realised how dysfunctional the friendship was. I grieved a bit but it was the right decision. But I have another very good friend who was very dysfunctional when we met, as was I - but we've managed to both work our way through our dysfunction together and have a very good (and self aware!) friendship. I think at this stage its not clear which way this friendship will go.

Personally wild horses wouldn't stop me from getting to the bottom of this, overstepping boundaries or not.
Shes accusing you of some act that you have no knowledge of, you would be well within your rights to ask her to explain based on the longevity of your friendship.
I'd send her a note and ask her and if she doesn't reply I'd then assume the friendship was over, I'd at least try once.
It's not a very nice feeling when ffriends cut you off so you have my sympathy

I had something similar about ten years ago. DP and I spent a lovely evening with a friend who even dawdled on the way it to see what books she wanted to borrow. The next day she sent a message saying she wanted no part in my 'games' and cancelling arrangements we had made to help her move at the weekend. I actually thought it was a joke when I read the start of her message and was waiting for the punchline as it was at such odds with her behavior less than 24 hours before. Neither DP not I could think what she was talking about.

After ignoring us for a couple of months she finally got in touch to tell me where I'd gone wrong. She'd interpreted something I said as me trying to control DP but she should have known he couldn't be controlled like that. Not only that, but there was evidence to the contrary out in plain sight. (She thought he didn't know I was travelling with her the day before he was driving a van full of her stuff over and staying with her in the flat, he'd already got the sleeping bag down for me and it was lying on the sofa ready for me.)

It was very strange. She later blamed her 'depression' (a whole other story, and I do not say that lightly) but our friendship never recovered.

Hopefully you get a better outcome. I would contact her DH to see if he can explain her thinking but then I'd leave it and wait for her to come back to you. At that point is up to you to decide how much you want to let her back in to your life.

@Flummoxed2020

Shedbuilder

Thank you. Your comment has really struck a chord. I do take responsibility in any relationship I have and my default position is often 'It is my fault'.

But this time, I feel a bit different, because deep down I know I haven't said or done anything that warrants this. I don't want to get into game playing. This has distracted me all night and from my work this morning and I have a pit in my stomach. It isn't fair to cut off any understanding or even offer any form of transaction. I feel like this has damaged our friendship anyway as I would always be cautious and on edge from now on. But I do want her to be okay.

OP, it's great to see that you know you did and said nothing inappropriate. That seems really important.

I would be equally as thrown by this as you are because what she has done is an aggressive, controlling thing to do. Your distress seems appropriate and you are entitled to feel it. While your professional training and past experiences may tell you to rise above and take the selfless and magnanimous route, I ask you to consider a more assertive response. Pushing back firmly and fairly helps me out of that awful 'I must have done something bad for you to treat me this way' hole I can sometimes fall into.

I'm sure the friendship will feel badly damaged for some time to come. I hope that as it plays out you'll get an explanation and that will enable the pair of you to recover what you had, though I think you're right to suggest there will always be a dent in things. Good luck to you both.

I would feel the same @Jayaywhynot - especially if this person was likely to be telling other mutual friends they’ve ended our friendship.

I also agree message her husband just keep it brief say hi I'm not sure why I have upset her and would really like to know .
It's does sound like she's unwell , my dm has mental health problems.
My dm for example once would say have I done something to upset you ( when she hadn't ) I'd say no like what and she'd say I don't but be adamant that I was annoyed. Believe me I'm the first to say when I'm annoyed. Another time she told my 2 close friends she's worried about me and made them think something was wrong , again nothing . The point I'm making it's all in her head when she's unwell paranoia and overthinking everything , when she's on her meds she's fine not like that all . It's like they turn their own mental health on you .
You have no option ask her dh and see if he thinks she's ok .

I am really worried that she is really unwell now after this thread.

I would ring her dh rather than message from the off, to avoid any misinterpretation, which is highly likely in emotionally charged situations like this. I wouldn’t worry too much about respecting boundaries when she’s already so angry with you already and she may be very unwell. I say this as a sister and friend of people with serious mental health issues who have lost contact with people because they’re too worried about saying the wrong thing. The fact is it’s coming from concern about her.
It will come from something that’s bothering her and she’s looking for confirmation in things you’ve said. I’d put money on it being about getting pregnant, or possessiveness over friendships/partners.

To add to my earlier post, I was once extremely upset by a friend and decided to tell her. I told her how I felt. She said I was being ridiculous and we never spoke again. I was upset for months afterwards. The details would be too outing.

Sometimes people are genuinely hurt by things that are said and done. I have had bouts of anxiety and depression over the years and I'd have felt humiliated and patronised if my friend had gone through my then husband saying she was worried about me.

But if I had received a card - which I probably would have kept and gone back to - saying something along the lines of what I suggested then I think something could have been salvaged.

FFSFFSFFS

"I get that you're having a meltdown - I'm here if you need me (but obviously don't say it like that)"

Her friend has a history of psychosis.
She might not even know she is having a breakdown!

I'd message her DH.

Just wanted to add that the pulling you into toilets is totalling overacting, classic how my mum is when she's ill . It's a little frown gets them overthinking . It's hard work knowing people like that .
Very odd , try not to worry too much but let's be honest who does that . Sends a message to a friend of 20 years ?
Possibility is
1/ it's not her who sent the message
2/ sent to wrong person
3/ she is mentally ill and is having some sort of reality breakdown .
Either way you need to find out .

* Mentally balanced people do not end a 20 year friendship out of the blue by blocking someone on social media!*

^This. If she’d been mentally well, she’d have told you what she was upset about and you’d have apologised straightaway and that would have been the end of it.

I’ve had friends behave like this, and my DB. So I would say that it’s quite likely to be because her mental health isn’t good. And it might be because of her infertility, which would mean that you’re probably not best placed to help her, as you have DC, and she might feel that you’re not able to understand. I’ve been through infertility and I used to struggle with people offering me advice (particularly my DM, who didn’t have a clue.)

I would send her a card with a letter, saying that you’re sorry that she was upset with you, and that you hope she’s okay. You can offer an olive branch, but other than that, I would respect her wishes to leave her alone.

As she has form for cutting off friends, this isn’t really all that surprising. You’ve only heard her version of events about the other friends she cut herself off from after all.

I would message the DH and say 'how is BF? I know she said she doesn't want to discuss it, but I really want to apologise and fix what I have done, but I am unable to do that properly if I am unsure of what I have done.'