To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

I agree that it sounds like she's in a bad place with regards to her mental health. If you trust her DH then you could just message him to check she's okay but I get what you mean about respecting her boundaries. I would imagine that, if she's in some mind of crisis, that she'll resume contact with you once she's through it (which will hopefully be soon). I don't think it will have been anything you've done - you sound like a fantastic friend and she's lucky to have you.

Shedbuilder

Thank you. Your comment has really struck a chord. I do take responsibility in any relationship I have and my default position is often 'It is my fault'.

But this time, I feel a bit different, because deep down I know I haven't said or done anything that warrants this. I don't want to get into game playing. This has distracted me all night and from my work this morning and I have a pit in my stomach. It isn't fair to cut off any understanding or even offer any form of transaction. I feel like this has damaged our friendship anyway as I would always be cautious and on edge from now on. But I do want her to be okay.

The fact you've equated working at waitrose as being "in the gutter" says it all. Your friend has probably realised you're quite a snob tbh.

@Flummoxed2020

I have never had any concerns about her husband being abusive, ever. And I have been in an abusive marriage myself but know that doesn't make me an expert on their relationship. I have known him 20 years. If it had come from him it would seem odd he has not blocked me.

I understand why people think it's odd that I don't want to parachute in there and try fix or intervene in this, as it's a really weird behaviour but it's my gut feeling that if I do try contacting her DH/sending her notes/turning up at her house it will only service to give her evidence that I don't respect her boundaries or needs and might escalate her anger/mental health issues. I don't want to cause her more stress and exacerbate anything.

I honestly do not have 'form' for crap behaviour within friendships. If anything I am a people pleaser and I hate confrontation so I wouldn't rock the boat. From being a child I have to read situations and moods carefully for my own safety. Plus, I am not an arsehole. As I said, I am not in the business of hurting people's feelings. If I had been a duck I would hold up my hands. The Waitrose comment was just me wondering out loud but I think it would be really unfair to end a 20 year friendship because I wondered out loud if a left wing activist enjoyed working in Waitrose.

Flummoxed2020, sorry, I hate when PP say this, but why did you post then?

You have been close friends for 20 years
You are positive you have not done or said anything wrong
Her behaviour is extremely odd
She has a history of psychosis

and you still want to give 'her' space?
I can understand you are worried it might escalate her anger/mental health issues but maybe that's what needed so she gets treatment?

I actually think this is a really good example of why all the nonsense on social media saying that if someone is suffering mentally they should 'just talk to someone' and that 'people want to help.' The behaviour of depressed/mentally ill people is often difficult to take - confrontational, withholding, secretive - and it's all part of the illness itself. Saying to people who in that state that they should ask for help is like saying 'if you can't breathe, call out for assistance.' It sounds like your friend is struggling and it might be worth trying to message her DH but it would not be wrong for you to just take her words at face value and walk away in the hopes that she'll come around. You don't have to accept hurtful behaviour just because she's not well.

I have not posted anything on social media since last week.

I would approach this very differently to some here, I'd text her husband with a screenshot of the message and tell him you are worried about her mental health. I wouldn't give any apologies or ask for her forgiveness - that's playing in to the idea that you might have done something, and if events are as you describe, you haven't.

What if she is having an episode and he isn't aware or doesn't realise the extent of it.

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

I'd say: You are a valued friend and I have clearly deeply upset you, but genuinely don't know what I did. I have racked my brains. We left on good terms on Sunday. You liked the photo I sent the following day, then out of the blue, you've blocked me. Is this something you feel we can discuss. I don't want our friendship to end not knowing why it has happened.

100% this.

I’d also send something like this but end it with a short ‘if I don’t hear from you I’ll respect that and I wish you well’ or something similar.

@Flummoxed2020

I have not posted anything on social media since last week.

If this is directed at me, I wasn't saying you'd posted anything on social media, I was making the point that telling unwell people to talk to others is pointless - this is often done on social media.

@RaisinGhost

I would approach this very differently to some here, I'd text her husband with a screenshot of the message and tell him you are worried about her mental health. I wouldn't give any apologies or ask for her forgiveness - that's playing in to the idea that you might have done something, and if events are as you describe, you haven't.

What if she is having an episode and he isn't aware or doesn't realise the extent of it.

This 100%

I've been saying it all along

@Pelleas

Did you post anything on social media about your night out that could conceivably have caused offence?

TheDailyCarbuncle I think OP may have been replying to my question at 12:14:22.

I think that you’re really thinking about her feelings in all of this and not causing her more hurt and annoyance.

However, you have feelings too and if someone did that to me I would need a right of reply. It’s really not fair to cut you off without telling you why.

I’d be sensitive, but I’d have to contact her and say I was unaware of what I’d done wrong and if she could explain I’d like to consider it and make amends if possible. I’d say that I’d really enjoyed the evening, hadn’t realised there was a problem and am horrified that somehow I massively misjudged things.

Then if she replied I’d be able to decide if I owed an apology etc. And if she is having problems you may have kept the door open to be able to support if she still wish to.

I wouldn’t contact her family. They’ll talk to her about it and it could look like you’re telling tales and reinforce her opinion.

(Another therapist

I think one of three things has happened:

1. She is ashamed of being 'drunk' or being her (I know she wasn't drunk/she didn't say anything) but she has the 'fear'. I'm saying this because of the tipsy (her) drag into the loos, she didn't get more sober towards the end of the night! And because of this she wishes to avoid you.

1. She thinks you said or meant something - she may be deflecting or she may have entirely misheard or misunderstood.

1. She's become unwell.

This is what I would do. That's me, not you - as your instinct is to blame self and possible avoid confrontation

I would go round and check with her Dh that she hasn't become unwell. If not unwell I'd say it's totally fine to leave you alone but after 20 years of friendship I want to know what you think I said/meant.

How upsetting for you, I’d be feeling awful and worried too. It really doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong - who knows what she is thinking but perhaps she is having problems right now and projecting them on you.
If I were you I’d send her a card in the post saying something like “I’m here for you, I’ll always value our friendship” or whatever, not apologising but saying what you’d like to say to her, maybe include that you wish you understood why she’d blocked you etc but I don’t know if you want to get into that.
Then just keep reminding yourself that she is most likely having difficulties right now and it’s not about you. You’ve done all you can and been a good friend. She’s not explaining herself or giving you a chance to explain anything and it’s not a great way to treat such a long-standing friend. Allow yourself to be hurt and then try and move on by getting support from your DH and other friends.

Horrible thing to happen. I don't think you have done anything. I think she has either had some sort of episode and or a distorted a random comment.
I think, sad and painful as it is to walk away from a friendship, that is what you have to do.
I had a similar interaction with a friend who ignored me and crossed a room to avoid me -only for her to contact me months later wondering why we hadn't seen one another and saying how nice it would be to spend time together, as if nothing had happended. I am not a health professional like you are, but to me that is not normal and I didn't want to go back to the friendship after being ignored and humiliated -esp as on one occasion it was in front of my kids.
I am sorry for your confusion and loss of the friendship. It is incredibly sad and I actually feel like I grieved for her but I can't solve whatever issues she has and don't want to be hurt like that again.
Sorry op. It's very hard.

We all have our blind spots. Mines is death anxiety and I'm sat here writing 60 letters to be given after death as I'm having surgery shortly and I'm scared of GA
(So basically I've spent the entire day crying and whining because I've had to write it over and over again)

I mean this in the very kindest way OP, and I get you are trying to explain the nuances of your relationship with her.
But, your post is very me me me. Your profession, your face, your history, your theories, your degrees, your eating disorder etc etc and actually not much about her. Could this be translating into your friendship I wonder?

@WaterOffADucksCrack She’s not a snob, she was surprised at a friend working in Waitrose because said friend is anti capitalist. Her own mother works in Asda so I’m pretty sure she has nothing against supermarket work.
The point about being in the gutter was more to show that in general she doesn’t judge people.

@Dontcarewhatmyusernameis That's my opinion and I won't change it. It's how she comes across to me.

One idea - you mention you both have a history of abuse, and her mental health problems. I have a friend who similarly cut off a childhood friendship of twenty years in almost as abrupt a way. We had a falling out, she called me out on something she thought I was judging her for, I basically said ok yes, I don't think its acceptable behaviour, we went home and I thought were cooling off. It was relatively minor in the scope of such a long friendship (we had lived together, most of our friends from school and uni were mutual, etc etc).

She proceeded to tell people a highly edited version of our disagreement, some of them cut me off, and it took months for me to realise why a large cohort of people I loved and trusted were entirely refusing to talk to me until someone set me straight. I was devastated, it was like grief, and I completely understand the feeling of having your world turned upside down when someone decided that all those years of having someone's back are meaningless. In all honestly the fallout went on for years - seating plans at weddings, large meet ups, I was uninvited to some things because she had told people she was so fragile she couldn't handle seeing me but at others where there was no way to do that she was fine and would even acknowledge me to show she was the bigger person. It was hell.

But, with the benefit of hindsight, my friend had had a long ongoing struggle with her mental health that nearly killed her at several points. I was pretty much the only person who knew the full details, and one of the only ones she confided in. I honestly think that she reached a point where she wanted to leave that part of herself behind and move past it, and she couldn't with me there. I don't think it was consciously like that, but I think our relationship had moved into a position that wasn't very healthy for either of us where I was doing way more emotional labour than was healthy. I think no matter what happened, I was associated with those times in her head.

Given your friend's history, and the fact she's under a lot of stress at the moment, could any of that ring true? In my case, I do regret not getting in touch more quickly though. Our falling out happened at Christmas, I lived away, I didn't get in touch for a few months to give her space but in retrospect I think that time gap let her believe her version of what happened was the real one.

In your case I think I would consider either dropping her a card, or contacting her husband, whichever you think will offend her least and saying, I absolutely want to respect your desire to have space but I am genuinely mystified and have no idea what I could have said or done to have offended you. I can only assume it was a misunderstanding and would love a discussion to put it straight, but I won't contact you again if its not what you want. Then at least you have no regrets?

We all have our blind spots. Mines is death anxiety and I'm sat here writing 60 letters to be given after death as I'm having surgery shortly and I'm scared of GA

Good luck with the surgery, @LaurieFairyCake. I'm with you on death paranoia about surgery. I actually got married purely because I thought I was going to die during an operation.

@CultOfWax

The friendship sounds like very hard work.

You are a pair of over thinkers - you sound as if you're in permanent therapist mode analysing power imbalances and flippant comments you make, and you've also tentatively diagnosed her with complex PTSD...

She's called you into the toilets for a private chat to check she hasn't upset you because when she said something, a flicker of a frown crossed your face.

Reminds me of student life - dramatic "deep" utter bollocks . It sounds pretty tiring.

I agree with a PP - you've maybe got history of a certain type of behaviour that gets on her tits and whatever happened that night was, when she thought about it a day or so later, the final straw.

What she's done by messaging you and blocking you like that is shit, I think most people would have messaged her husband by now to see if he's prepared to shed any light, but you don't want to do that, so I don't see there's anything else you can do.

I agree with this!

Thank you and wow 😮 to your story. It's good to have company on the existential fear box.

Oh God OP. this happened to me a few years ago. It's so horrible isn't it? She was my best friend from early childhood, and so many of my memories are tied up with her. It was far, far worse than being dumped by a man.
She blocked me on everything without saying anything at all. Then, when pressed, she told a mutual friend a reason that was so ridiculous, so absolutely unbelievable, everyone in our friendship group was stunned.

Then a few months later, I found out that it was for another reason, and one that had nothing at all to do with anything I'd done. She made something up to distance herself from me because it was her that had behaved badly.

The thing I'm still annoyed about is that her husband and close family know this, and they didn't challenge her or help her. They went along with her for a quiet life, and now she has few friends left and is living in her head a bit. I feel they've let her down.