To have no idea why my BF sent me this message and to feel really weirded out by it?

[Flummoxed2020]

I have two female friends who I would count as my 'best friends' the type you can rely on in a crisis and tell anything to. To give a bit of background: One I have been friends with for 20 years, we bonded because we both had trauma in our past, and were both raped as pre teens by family members. we have always helped each other out emotionally in a very balanced, boundaried way. I was a children's social worker until recently, she is an OT in a mental health team so we both 'got' the stress in crisis work.

This friend has just moved close to me after living in another city for the last few years but we still saw each other regularly maybe once a month, seen each other more as she now lives 4 miles away maybe 2/3 times a month. On Sunday she invited me and my DP out for first lockdown drinks in pubs with her DH, her other close friend and her DH. The night went well, I drank less than everyone else (2 full alcoholic drinks then had 3 shandies, the rest had full pints as they weren't working). I have a big report to write this week so needed a clear head. I was not at all drunk and remember the entire night. DP and I left first at about 9pm and we all left on good terms. We had a good much needed laugh and the following day (Monday) I sent her a message saying how I had loved the night and was glad she has moved over near us and sent her a funny picture of us and said we look like we are in a band. She replied with two laughing faces, a heart, and said 'Front Cover!' x

Last night I got this message off her:

'You went to (sic) far with me on Sunday night. I am not willing to discuss it with you and have blocked you on social media. I'm done'.

My initial thought was 'What??' Showed DP it and his reaction was the same. She has blocked me on FB, Instagram and Whatsapp. I am still on her husband and Mum's social media.

DP and I are wracking our brains about what I could have said. Hand on heart I truly have no idea. I am the kind of person who is careful about people's feelings, I am a trained family therapist ffs, and if I had even inadvertently said something crass, offensive or upsetting I would have clocked reactions, been worrying about it and would have been gutted about causing upset. I am not in the business of hurting people. It is the last thing I want to do. I was the most sober one there so I was best placed to catch the tone and mood IYSWIM and I didn't pick up on anything!

I feel so weird as that message and the blocking etc has given me no recourse to amend anything with her, discuss what she received as hurtful or even know what the hell I did wrong. I can't apologise or clarify any position. My friend does have a history of psychosis and mania/depression and I have thought (but never voiced as not my place) that she may have undiagnosed complex PTSD so I am wondering if she is unwell, but I do respect that she does not want to discuss this with me so won't push it and don't want to project that all on to her if i have done something wrong. I feel weird and upset because I loved her, I trusted her and I hate the thought that she is hurt but now I feel upskittled because it feels almost abusive to cut me off in this way and if my BF of 20 years can do this, anyone can. I feel a bit shaken by it tbh. My mental health is important to me and I am sensitive to drama like this. I didn't sleep last night. AIBU and petty? Is this normal in a friendship?

I am 41, with 3DC btw, she is 37 and trying for a baby to give context, so is under stress.

Agree with contacting her husband.

You would be doing it out of love and concern for her, and in view of a 20 year friendship regardless of any history of mental health.

Good luck hope you work things out and she is ok

What sexykitten2005 said. I'd send a card to her but not message her DH which might make things worse.

What a strange thing to happen. It must be difficult. Sometimes people do take offense at very small things and it may have been something that was said in jest that she later thought about and decided was too much.

Two friends of mine were chatting about Marie Kondo and one woman made a comment abut her cardigans. It was such a nothing comment, but the other friend was extremely upset about it. It just hit a nerve as her mother had always been quite strict and wanted her to be the perfect daughter who wore cardigans. It was very random, but sometimes these things happen.

I think ultimately, this is on your friend She has been unfair, but I'd just leave it and move on, as hard as that is.

Would it be beyond the realms of reality to go and knock on her door to have a chat.

I agree it could be her husband that's putting these notions in her head, even if he doesn't fully understand he's doing it but to presume otherwise may be negligent. Abusers often isolate you from your friends and family, and those with a history of mental illness are easily succeptible to worries and fears and put up barriers to protect themselves.

But honestly as a grown up I'd just go and knock on the door with a bottle of wine and just ask to talk it out. If she doesn't want to talk, then just respect that and leave her out of your life but if she is distressed/anxious then obviously address it.

Could her DH have said something to her? Like maybe insinuated that you were flirting or trying it on with him? It sounds like something has been said to her after the fact as she seemed fine after you left so a bit of a delayed reaction.

Either that or she's having an episode and remembering something that didn't happen.

I'm not sure you'll ever find out which I appreciate must be very upsetting.

My first thought is that there was another couple there, friends of hers, could they maybe have stirred things up between you both?

Mine too.

In this situation I would make one, single overture.

I'd say: You are a valued friend and I have clearly deeply upset you, but genuinely don't know what I did. I have racked my brains. We left on good terms on Sunday. You liked the photo I sent the following day, then out of the blue, you've blocked me. Is this something you feel we can discuss. I don't want our friendship to end not knowing why it has happened.

Then I'd leave it. If she is off in some psychotic rewrite of the facts, there's nothing you can do. And frankly, you are better off not having to navigate that sort of behaviour. You sound genuinely caring and sensitive towards friends. But some friendships die through no fault of our own.

I would take responsibility if I have upset her but would like to know how!

If you won't contact her husband you won't ever know. I can't see how her unwillingness to discuss this prevents you from discussing it with her husband. The whole thing is so odd that you have reasonable cause to be concerned about her, and her husband is entitled to know.

@Flummoxed2020 - please do act now.

From what you've written, her reacion is so odd I would not spend a minute trying to 'understand' it as PP are doing here.

I've been through a slightly similar situation with a friend, it turned out she had been having paranoid thoughts for weeks and nobody knew about it.

Just another thought (obvs complete speculation here), but given she has a history of psychosis/mania/depression and is also trying to conceive, could it be that she has had to change her medication or come off it and is now suffering the effects of that. I suggest this because it happened to a relative of mine.

Why would you want to leave her be?
She's a friend of 20 years, potentially going through a bad period, and you don't want to try and find out what's going on? Are you sure there is nothing more to this? It's seems bizarre that you wouldn't want to fight for your friendship, and get your friend help if needed when you haven't done anything wrong.

@WinterIsGone

Are you sure she sent it? Could her DH have sent it? They've moved away from her existing friends to near you, and now you've been cut off.

That's what I thought. What's her DH like OP? Maybe he's controlling her and sent the message himself, blocked you etc because he's jealous of your relationship?

It’s very apparent to me

She felt you criticised mutual friend (it would raise my hackles too).

She is obviously having some mental health issues, because this is not a normal response. Over the years I have been in lots of situations where a friend or a relative has said something that I have found slightly upsetting or insulting - but it would never occur to me to react like that!

Either she's ill or this is a game.

If you're the trained and painfully aware professionals you and she appear to be, you don't cut someone off without having engaged in a discussion about a perceived slight or explaining the decision. That's what game-players do, or people who are mentally ill.

I'm struck that your main response is to assume you've done something wrong without any idea of what that wrong might be. I'm all for a bit of self-reflection — did I say anything offensive? was I dismissive or whatever? — but once you've been through that process and ruled it out, step away from the guilt and responsibility. Or at least ask what it's about. Are you being entirely honest with yourself? Has this friendship been so great or is there a dynamic (perhaps around your children) where you've got some residual guilt or imbalance or discomfort? Do you tend to take responsibility in the relationship?

I'm also struck by the fact that so many people here have said you can't contact her because she's told you she doesn't want you to do so. She's taken drastic unilateral action that has effectively silenced and exiled you. That's not fair. You don't have to go along with this and rather than game-playing by contacting her husband I'd just contact her along the lines of 'Please tell me what I did or said to offend you. I have a right to know.'

We don't always have to respect what others want if they want something unreasonable. We have the right to expect decent basic behaviour from our friends. Genuinely good friends don't treat each other like this. So either your friend is ill or you're not as close as you thought you were — which I think is true of a great many friendships, by the way. I think we often idealise and project stuff onto our friends.

If she doesn't respond I'd drop a note to her partner expressing your regret at the rift, asking for clues about what's going on and making it clear that this wasn't your decision and that you are always open to discussing it and seeing them again.

Then go and find some new friends. Preferably people who don't analyse their every word and expression and don't expect you to, either.

I'd say: You are a valued friend and I have clearly deeply upset you, but genuinely don't know what I did. I have racked my brains. We left on good terms on Sunday. You liked the photo I sent the following day, then out of the blue, you've blocked me. Is this something you feel we can discuss. I don't want our friendship to end not knowing why it has happened.

100% this.

How well do you know the other couple who were there?
The only explanation i can think is your friend was told something between monday night and last night.
Could they have shit stirred saying you said or did something on Sunday that you didn't?

This is very odd. Id message her or get your dp to message her dh. Otherwise a letter. Just make clear you will do as she wants and leave her be, but you really don't know what you have done, as you left on good terms and spoke again after. That you are sorry if you have offended her and will be there if she wants to talk to you again, and hope she is okay.
It would drive me mad not knowing what I'd done!

@museumum

How well do you know the other couple who were there? The only explanation i can think is your friend was told something between monday night and last night. Could they have shit stirred saying you said or did something on Sunday that you didn't?

Or the DH could have been the shit stirrer as somebody above said...

Sorry I need to say it again

Mentally balanced people do not end a 20 year friendship out of the blue by blocking someone on social media!

I have never had any concerns about her husband being abusive, ever. And I have been in an abusive marriage myself but know that doesn't make me an expert on their relationship. I have known him 20 years. If it had come from him it would seem odd he has not blocked me.

I understand why people think it's odd that I don't want to parachute in there and try fix or intervene in this, as it's a really weird behaviour but it's my gut feeling that if I do try contacting her DH/sending her notes/turning up at her house it will only service to give her evidence that I don't respect her boundaries or needs and might escalate her anger/mental health issues. I don't want to cause her more stress and exacerbate anything.

I honestly do not have 'form' for crap behaviour within friendships. If anything I am a people pleaser and I hate confrontation so I wouldn't rock the boat. From being a child I have to read situations and moods carefully for my own safety. Plus, I am not an arsehole. As I said, I am not in the business of hurting people's feelings. If I had been a duck I would hold up my hands. The Waitrose comment was just me wondering out loud but I think it would be really unfair to end a 20 year friendship because I wondered out loud if a left wing activist enjoyed working in Waitrose.

I meant to put, I'd messager her dh or get your dp to message her dh, not message her.

Did you post anything on social media about your night out that could conceivably have caused offence?

@IamAporcupine

Sorry I need to say it again

Mentally balanced people do not end a 20 year friendship out of the blue by blocking someone on social media!

This YY.

With a history of psychosis and mania and with the added stress of TTC it's highly likely that she's not in a good place mentally.

I also wouldn’t contact her husband. If you have done something that’s just going to make it worse. If your husband and him are friends he can contact him and say what’s going on, do you know, or something like that.

Do you have th other woman’s details? I’d be more likely to contact her and ask if I said anything untoward.