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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask is it weird if you never masturbate?

263 replies

Rainbowb · 09/09/2020 23:18

I vaguely remember doing it in my teens but never have since. I’ve just been watching I hate Suzie and she does quite a lot of it and it’s kind of reminded me that I never do it but everyone else probably does. I’ve just never felt the desire to. It feels a bit gross and stupid and I would feel totally ridiculous even attempting it.

Just so as not to drip feed, I’ve been with the same guy since I was 18 (now in my forties) and I’ve always had a low sex drive especially since having a baby and a third degree tear. I do fancy men and think about them in that way but just can’t do what other people do, it’s just...icky.

Putting myself out on a limb here, just want to know what it means - am I asexual or a prude or what?!

OP posts:

DressingGownofDoom · 09/09/2020 23:20

Oh that is a bit unusual! Well we are all different, I don't think it necessarily 'makes' you anything 🤔

WeEE · 09/09/2020 23:22

I feel the same as you!

I have done it, and maybe do a few times a year, but definitely not something I would be doing every night.

I also have a low sex drive, and my partner is always saying I'm asexual (which I'm definitely not).

I think everyone is different. All my close friends don't do it. I don't know anyone that does actually, but then I guess they wouldn't tell me!

pumpkinpie01 · 09/09/2020 23:25

I don't , never have done. Me and my DH have a good sex life so I have never felt the need.

SylvanianFrenemies · 09/09/2020 23:27

Each to their own... but "gross", "icky", "stupid", "ridiculous"? Perhaps your attitude to sex is dampening your drive.

Griefmonster · 09/09/2020 23:27

How do you know if your close friends do or not?! I do but I can't imagine discussing it with even my closest friends! Last time I discussed wanking with a friend we were late teens/early 20s!

Cherryade8 · 09/09/2020 23:28

I cant really be bothered with it, I see my FWB a couple of times a week and he does a much better job of it

wizzywig · 09/09/2020 23:28

Nah me neither. I feel like its a really poor substitute to sex. Ive tried vibrators and again, i just feel like billy no mates.

OldAndWornOut · 09/09/2020 23:30

I love it!
Saying that, I do it less and less these days.
I'd rather sleep.

Matilda400 · 09/09/2020 23:34

I'd say it's rare but doesn't make you odd. I do agree though your choice of words around sex are a bit odd. Have you ever had an orgasm?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 09/09/2020 23:35

“Icky”?

It’s perfectly natural. If you don’t want to do it fine, but your missing out (or not doing it right).

Unfortunately, due to health problems I can’t anymore but I do miss it.

OrigamiOwl · 09/09/2020 23:45

@SylvanianFrenemies

Each to their own... but "gross", "icky", "stupid", "ridiculous"? Perhaps your attitude to sex is dampening your drive.

All of the negative words will likely be having an effect on you and your drive.

borntohula · 09/09/2020 23:49

I have a high sex drive (for now!) and don't live with my boyfriend so I can't imagine not doing it!

yelyah22 · 09/09/2020 23:53

It sounds like you have quite a distorted view of your own sexuality, which could explain why you don't have the urge to masturbate.

You're not required to, obviously, but there's a difference between having a low sex drive and finding the idea of masturbation (which is utterly normal, healthy, and great for stress relief and boredom relief and by design, fun) icky and gross.

It's up to you - if it doesn't bother you, no harm done, but if you're worried or concerned you might inadvertently pass your views on sexuality on to any children (I say this as my mum definitely did, and it did a number on me, even though she didn't mean to and it was very subtle!) then some sex positive counselling might help, especially if it's come from some trauma.

yelyah22 · 09/09/2020 23:56

Sorry, that sounded clinical and a bit short - what I mean is, there's nothing silly or ridiculous about you finding pleasure and enjoyment in something really normal. In fact, you absolutely deserve to have orgasms on demand! So working out why you feel ridiculous and disgusted by it might be really good for you and free up some stuff you didn't realise you were holding onto.

Noti23 · 10/09/2020 00:04

It’s a bit 1950s to describe female masturbation “icky”

Noti23 · 10/09/2020 00:05

*as

mswales · 10/09/2020 00:08

Masturbating is how you find out what really feels good for you, so I think it’s pretty crucial to having a good sex life - unless you are lucky enough to have incredibly talented and experienced early sex partners. Even if you do, I still think it’s really important to explore your own body and pleasure. It may be that you are on the asexual side so sexual pleasure isn’t of that much interest but that’s impossible to know without more context. Do you feel “icky” during sex as well as masturbation or do you enjoy it? Do you have orgasms? Do you find the idea of sexual pleasure icky in general? Do you feel embarrassment about the whole area or is it just something you’re not fussed about? The use of your words suggest this is an emotional/psychological issue rather than a physiological asexuality.

WhoAmIWhoAreYou · 10/09/2020 00:10

Everyone is different.
I've been doing it since I was about 14/15 admittedly. I'm 31 now. 2 kids & one hubby and I still do it 3/4 times a week... solo. Its "me" time. Makes me feel good. I do have a high sex drive though and started experimenting a lot earlier than 14/15. Hubby & I have a very good sex life, averaging 3/4 times a week!

Ginkypig · 10/09/2020 00:12

@SylvanianFrenemies

Each to their own... but "gross", "icky", "stupid", "ridiculous"? Perhaps your attitude to sex is dampening your drive.

This is along the same lines as I was going to reply.

There is no right answer or normal as everyone is unique and what they like and how often they like it is entirely up to them even if it's not what most people would (obviously as long as everything is consensual)

That being said sex and sexual feelings are a natural part of being human wether with a partner or not and there's is nothing to feel ashamed or stupid or ridiculous or gross about! But equally it is perfectly fine to not be that bothered about it or want it very often!

Negative feelings around sex can and do cause people to have issues or can dampen sex drive though because instead of pleasure it becomes associated with negative feelings and who would be interested in anything that makes them feel bad. Especially something that is supposed to make you feel good and they think everyone else loves!

ColinRobinson · 10/09/2020 00:24

I have never really masturbated. I’ve tried a fair few times but never really felt anything much. I have a low sex drive too. I think I might be asexual - though I like the “idea” and I read erotic fiction etc, get in the mood, but then when it comes to getting physical... nada. Just feels like I’m being poked or tickled, no matter what I do.

I’d never say it was icky or gross though, that’s potentially your issue.

Mostly I just feel a bit sad that I can’t seem to enjoy it.

ColinRobinson · 10/09/2020 00:25

And no, I’ve never orgasmed 😕 so that’s probably why I don’t bother now.

Jd1313 · 10/09/2020 00:26

I used to I would say at least once a week but now not so much maybe once every 2 or 3 months

TitsOutForHarambe · 10/09/2020 00:33

I wouldn't read anything into it in terms of sexuality. But I do think it's a bit odd that it feels icky and ridiculous to you. That makes me wonder if you have some issues with sex - it could also explain your low sex drive.

OldAndWornOut · 10/09/2020 00:34

Just goes to show how many versions of normal there are.

jessstan2 · 10/09/2020 00:36

I didn't masturbate until I was 24, didn't know how! I'd tried to by inserting something phallic shaped inside me and moving it but it did nothing for me, it was just a foreign object and I preferred the real thing. Then my fella (who became my husband), and I experimented a bit and I learned how to do it. I can't say I liked it much at first but certainly have enjoyed it since, especially when we have been apart.

However I always preferred proper sex with my man.

There's nothing wrong with you, you say you fancy men and think about sex. You're normal! We're all different and a lot of us are not particularly mechanical so don't worry about it.

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