To ask is it weird if you never masturbate?

[Rainbowb]

I vaguely remember doing it in my teens but never have since. I’ve just been watching I hate Suzie and she does quite a lot of it and it’s kind of reminded me that I never do it but everyone else probably does. I’ve just never felt the desire to. It feels a bit gross and stupid and I would feel totally ridiculous even attempting it.

Just so as not to drip feed, I’ve been with the same guy since I was 18 (now in my forties) and I’ve always had a low sex drive especially since having a baby and a third degree tear. I do fancy men and think about them in that way but just can’t do what other people do, it’s just...icky.

Putting myself out on a limb here, just want to know what it means - am I asexual or a prude or what?!

Don't compare yourself to others OP. We're all different and many people lie when it comes to their sexual habits. If you're both happy and you're not hurting anyone then that's all right. We all have different appetites and if you're asexual so what? It doesn't matter to anyone else. You don't need anyone else's approval. Be confident in yourself.

There is some misinformation about asexuality.

Asexuality means lack of sexual attraction.
It really isin’t about libido, or whether you mastubate or not.

‘This was WAY in the past. I've known this for the last 30 years or so! The conventional wisdom is that all women who have a low libido have something wrong with them and need therapy. ‘

Women on this thread haven’t said their experiences were way in the past. Maybe you need to be more understanding that other people have had different experiences to you? Especially as you want others to understand and accept your particular experience.

As for asexuality, what some women are describing on this thread is asexuality. They are choosing to have sex with a partner as a way of feeling close to someone, but they don’t find it sexually pleasurable - that’s asexuality. Or a woman who used to experience sexual pleasure or desires but after children no longer does - that’s a person who is now asexual.

‘Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.[1][2][3] It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof. It may also be categorized more widely to include a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities.’

From Wikipedia, as a starting point.

No one says to someone who doesn't like prunes..oh you should be more broad minded

Yes but presumably the prune haters don’t go around loudly proclaiming to those who do that they’re ick and dirty? Especially considering that men who like prunes and women who like prunes are treated completely differently. Women having an entire history of being shamed for liking prunes despite the fact it’s natural to like prunes!

Do you see here how the prune analogy doesn’t really work.

There's a definite difference between not being interested in sex and having a sex drive; enjoying sex with a partner/wanting orgasms but never with yourself. I find the latter difficult to understand.

If you found yourself single would it change things or would your sex drive disappear?

I'd liken that to having a car, enjoying being driven around in it but never sitting in it yourself, never fiddling about with all the buttons and levers and working out what happens when you do. Are you simply not interested or is there some issue holding you back?

That's said, I've tried yoga, didn't like it and would tire of people telling me I'm missing out.

That's said, I've tried yoga, didn't like it and would tire of people telling me I'm missing out

Yes but do you go around telling people yoga is “ick” and “stupid”? That’s the difference here lol

I think soft-boiled eggs would be a better analogy, as soft-boiled egg haters really do go round saying how disgusting they are.

I didn't have an orgasm until I was 21 and before that I literally did not know what it was that people experienced when having an orgasm. So someone could have said "You don't know what you're missing" and they would have been right. Would have been annoying if they'd said it all the time, or superciliously, but as an observation it was factually correct!

(I'd always thought until then that only men could orgasm through masturbation; if I'd realised women could too, I would have tried harder before :) )

Sexual arousal starts in the brain. There used to be a book series called Black Lace with arousing short stories for women. If you are avoiding sexy books/ tv so that you won't feel the urges that lead you to to continue down the path to orgasm you are missing out imv.

Yeah good point Russell. There's almost a revulsion in the Op that is causing a mental block it seems. God knows how that could be unpicked or changed but it's worth recognising it at least.

I read an article in a teen magazine.. mind blown, thank you Mizz/Just17! ha ha me too. I remember J17 advising to put a mirror between your legs and familiarizing yourself with what was there. There was a diagram for reference. I found it very useful. Good old J17.

I came up with the prunes analogy (and for the record I'm a right wanker myself!)

I don't read the OP as saying she finds the thought of other people masturbating icky, I read her as saying she finds the thought of doing it herself icky. (I may of course be misreading the OP - I think it's open to either interpretation.) I also accept that there's a long long history of demonising and castigating women's sexual desire.

But - as an individual - OP is still allowed to say "speaking for myself, I find the idea of me sitting down and masturbating a bit icky - I just don't want to do that." And no-one should prude-shame her for doing so.

(And prunes objectively speaking are icky.)

There's a definite difference between not being interested in sex and having a sex drive; enjoying sex with a partner/wanting orgasms but never with yourself. I find the latter difficult to understand

I have briliant sex with lots of orgasms with my DH, every week or so, or just however often it naturally occurs between us. Beyond that I have no physical or mental desire to achieve orgasm (also very little time or privacy with work, small children etc). I'm quite happy, that itch is scratched, so to speak. It's not because I'm suppressing anything or have any negative views towards my body or sex or anything.

Everyone's different. I'm surprised by the amount of people who masturbate regularly (like, daily!) because it's not something that really enters my head, but fair play to them.

There is some misinformation about asexuality.

*Asexuality means lack of sexual attraction.
It really isin’t about libido, or whether you mastubate or not.

This. Asexual people aren't some sort of different species. Some masturbate, some don't. Some are in relationships or married, some aren't. Some have sex, some don't.

I don't think that being asexual (which btw is not the subject here at all) needs to be addressed at all in popular culture.

I think it does. I'm asexual and never even heard the word or knew it was a thing until I was well into my 20s. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was broken and needed to be fixed. Even some of the discussion on this thread about asexuality shows why it needs to be addressed. In a similar way as to how some gay or lesbian people have now said that being able to relate to a TV character when growing up helped them to feel more comfortable with themselves.

This might sound a bit odd but I think I have quite a lot nerve damage and a cytocele (sp?). Sometimes when I masturbate (or during sex) I orgasm but there are no waves of pleasure. It just stops dead. I know I've cum but there is no orgasm. I don't know if anyone can relate.

‘This. Asexual people aren't some sort of different species. Some masturbate, some don't. Some are in relationships or married, some aren't. Some have sex, some don't.’

And I never suggested otherwise. For some asexual people it is about having no interest in masturbation or sexual pleasure because there are different ways of being asexual. It isn’t always about not being sexually attracted to others.

Clearly, as many of us (me included) are not sure what asexuality entails, it would be a really good idea to include it in popular culture - always interesting to find out more about the wide spectrum of human experience.

”I don't think that being asexual (which btw is not the subject here at all) needs to be addressed at all in popular culture.

I think it does. I'm asexual and never even heard the word or knew it was a thing until I was well into my 20s. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was broken and needed to be fixed. Even some of the discussion on this thread about asexuality shows why it needs to be addressed. In a similar way as to how some gay or lesbian people have now said that being able to relate to a TV character when growing up helped them to feel more comfortable with themselves.”

-I agree 100%.
Same experience too.

At the end of the day different things have different levels of importance to people.

I've drank alcohol in my 20s, got drunk a few times, etc. Never really enjoyed it, never developed a love of fine wine, etc. I've not had a drink for 25 years, and personally I don't feel I'm missing out as a result.

As posted earlier, I had first orgasm later in life. It is something I am so happy I discovered. I wish I had done it earlier, but better late than never. I feel I have missed out, but am catching up :)

Don't feel weird OP!

‘This might sound a bit odd but I think I have quite a lot nerve damage and a cytocele (sp?). Sometimes when I masturbate (or during sex) I orgasm but there are no waves of pleasure. It just stops dead. I know I've cum but there is no orgasm. I don't know if anyone can relate.’

There must be many physiological elements to it. Having been on a variety of SSRIs, I have had parts of my clitoris go numb so I can only feel orgasm in the top part. I’ve also had the sensation of orgasm but then the blood not draining from the clitoris afterwards, so maybe the opposite of what you’re describing. It’s a body part and things can go wrong with it.

Ok BlazingSquad that makes sense. Perhaps your habits would change if you weren't having regular sex? I don't know, some people maybe don't feel a need to.

Sometimes, I think it's nice to do something for yourself that makes you feel great for 5 minutes. I wonder if some women don't experience the same sort of feel good rush with orgasms that others do?

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having it as a hobby or past time, per se. It's certainly not something to boast about in your CV under the Hobbies and Interests section.

And I never suggested otherwise. For some asexual people it is about having no interest in masturbation or sexual pleasure because there are different ways of being asexual. It isn’t always about not being sexually attracted to others.

You could insert heterosexual or gay where you wrote 'asexual' and the same would be true.

I think it does. I'm asexual and never even heard the word or knew it was a thing until I was well into my 20s. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was broken and needed to be fixed. Even some of the discussion on this thread about asexuality shows why it needs to be addressed. In a similar way as to how some gay or lesbian people have now said that being able to relate to a TV character when growing up helped them to feel more comfortable with themselves.

I meant, that I don't think it needs to be made a theme in a novel or movie, which seems to me to be the interpretation offered by Stripes -- unless I misunderstood.
There DO need to be more articles and non-fiction books about it, and advice columists DO need to say it out loud (at present, they mostly don't it's all "try masturbation, experiment to see what you like, you're frigid" so that those who are affected don't think they are abnormal or weirdos or need therapy. We are all different, and this is on the lower spectrum of sexuality. And it's OK. THAT needs to be addressed -- it's what I said, and meant, all along.

‘You could insert heterosexual or gay where you wrote 'asexual' and the same would be true.‘

To some extent, yes, because some people don’t understand that a straight person could be heteroromantic but asexual. Or someone could consider themselves straight but be biromantic and heterosexual.

In other ways it is not the same, because for some asexual people, their asexuality is about them not experiencing any sexual pleasure. It is integral to their understanding of themselves as asexual.

I think everyone’s agreed there should be more asexual characters in films.

Women on this thread haven’t said their experiences were way in the past. Maybe you need to be more understanding that other people have had different experiences to you? Especially as you want others to understand and accept your particular experience.

Good grief. As if I've lived the last 50 years under a stone, and believe that my experience is the only one that counts? Is this really what you have gathered from my posts? That I don't understand that other people have different experiences to me? Really? Have my posts been so blind, so narrow-minded -- or are you reading into them what you want to read? Think about it.

But I'm not surprised. It's what happens invariably when a minority position is expressed: somebody always pops up to say "You think yours is the only valid opinion! You just don't understand the rest of us!"

I’m referring only to you not understanding that some women’s experience is not knowing women could orgasm or masturbate, even though they have said so on the thread, and are not talking about the distant past, no hands.

You knowing that women do orgasm puts in you in the majority, not the minority.