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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask is it weird if you never masturbate?

263 replies

Rainbowb · 09/09/2020 23:18

I vaguely remember doing it in my teens but never have since. I’ve just been watching I hate Suzie and she does quite a lot of it and it’s kind of reminded me that I never do it but everyone else probably does. I’ve just never felt the desire to. It feels a bit gross and stupid and I would feel totally ridiculous even attempting it.

Just so as not to drip feed, I’ve been with the same guy since I was 18 (now in my forties) and I’ve always had a low sex drive especially since having a baby and a third degree tear. I do fancy men and think about them in that way but just can’t do what other people do, it’s just...icky.

Putting myself out on a limb here, just want to know what it means - am I asexual or a prude or what?!

OP posts:
StormBaby · 10/09/2020 05:53

I’ve learnt that my sex drive stays alive the more orgasms I have so I masturbate a lot. The more I get it the more I want it! My DH doesn’t do it, he never really has, and he has a high sex drive. I think he’d rather just have sex? I have to tell him off for making the kids thing it’s the norm not to, because it’s really not.

NeverHadANickname · 10/09/2020 06:00

I definitely agree with the more you orgasm the more you want it. I didn't masturbate until my late 20's and regret not doing it earlier in life 😂 I an in a slump at the minute though with sex and masturbation.

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/09/2020 06:14

I first tentatively masturbated when I was about 17 and became hooked when I realised what the outcome would be!!

When I was single, and not on my period, I would usually do it daily, sometimes twice a day.

I do have a vibrator which I use occasionally but generally I just do it myself and I prefer it that way actually. Be it with toys or myself, it is only ever clitoral stimulation, I do not insert anything into my self.

I’m almost 37 now and do it about three times a week. I would do it more often if I could but it’s not that easy between work, husband and children.

It’s great for releasing stress and helping me sleep..... but also great for when I’m home alone in the day, a bit bored and looking for something to do,

If I really put my mind to it (with a good fantasy) I can orgasm in about two minutes. Sometimes though I enjoy making it last longer but the longest I’ve ever managed to hold it off for is about ten minutes.

I’m sure you aren’t alone OP in choosing not to masturbate but you are potentially missing out on something brilliant Grin

Frownette · 10/09/2020 06:26

@QueenofmyPrinces what if you can't do it though? It's not that simplistic for everyone.

I'm fine with g-spot and clitoral but that's nothing to do with me, it just decides to.

I honestly think some people are more 'mechanical' than others and react very differently to touch/sensation.

bethankfulforwhatyouhave · 10/09/2020 06:40

Everyday, helps me sleep 😊

CodenameVillanelle · 10/09/2020 06:52

I definitely do. I do it more since being with my current partner because he's very sexually open and has encouraged me to be (not that I was repressed before) and it's fun to do, easy, relaxing. You need a good imagination to be able to do it I think (unless you watch porn, which is ethically unsound). If you're a person who doesn't see themselves as sexual then you will struggle to orgasm alone I think.

MsIrrational · 10/09/2020 07:03

Have you ever bought a vibrator? Do you ever get alone time? It's not weird OP but your reasons for not doing it are quite sad and I think you need to "discover" yourself and try and remove negative feelings.

P.s. those saying they don't feel the need to because they have a good sex life - well still wanting to masturbate doesn't mean that you don't have a good sex life.

I'd hate to think that if I told a friend that I masturbate often she'd think oh, she doesn't have a good sex life then Confused

JKRisaqueen · 10/09/2020 07:09

A few years ago I started using prn to masturbate and I wish I hadn't. It was more fun to rely on my fantasies and now I seen reliant on crap porn

FippertyGibbett · 10/09/2020 07:29

I never used to as I didn’t need to, but then DH started working away a lot and I had an itch to scratch !!
Now I do as DH doesn’t offer sex at all.
I’d rather not need to do it, but if there’s no sex what else can you do.

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/09/2020 07:32

@QueenofmyPrinces what if you can't do it though? It's not that simplistic for everyone. I'm fine with g-spot and clitoral but that's nothing to do with me, it just decides to.

What just decides to?
Sorry, I don’t understand what you mean?

PremierInn · 10/09/2020 07:40

Always have since puberty. It keeps my sex drive high and I probably masturbate a lot as I have a high sex drive. Virtuous circle!

StarlightLady · 10/09/2020 07:44

40s female here. It’s something l discuss with a very few close friends. Personally l often go for once or twice a day. The needs and sensations are totally different to 1:1 sex, which l enjoy quite regularly.

It appears that the OP has problems 1) because she is aaking the question and 2) some of the negative wording used.

It’s important to learn about your own body, to get the full benefit of enjoying sharing it wit others.

peakygal · 10/09/2020 07:49

Its never been for me but I don't think theres anything wrong with anyone doing it either. Same with watching porn.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 10/09/2020 07:52

I find it really sad and i'm sorry but immature that you say its "icky". Women have been shamed for their sexuality and for enjoying sex for decades and decades. You'd never hear a man telling another man that having a wank was "icky".

Having an orgasm is a physiological process that feels good and it releases specific chemicals in your brain which lift mood and actually helps your health. Its good for you. There is nothing "icky" about it. I feel great pity for women who cannot enjoy their own bodies due to feeling shame or that its "icky".

Russellbrandshair · 10/09/2020 07:56

Why on earth do people assume if you have a good sex life you don’t “need” to masterbate? What an odd concept. The two aren’t mutually exclusive and many people have high sex drives. It’s no reflection on your partner at all.

That’s like saying well I have great conversations with my husband so I don’t need any friends or anyone else to have a conversation with, ever. You are missing out big time!

CatsFantastic · 10/09/2020 07:56

I think there is still a lot of stigma around female masturbation, which is a real shame because it is as natural and normal as sex with a partner.

In Victorian times women were often prescribed “vaginal stimulation” to cure malady and tension, it was typically performed by a doctor! Really they should have taught women that their is nothing shameful about naked bodies, nothing shameful about female sexuality and nothing shameful about masturbating.

I have a very satisfying sex life with my DH but I also like to masturbate because it feels good ! It is a massive stress reliever.

nosswith · 10/09/2020 07:57

Unusual or rare, but not weird.

crazychemist · 10/09/2020 07:58

I’m surprised at how many people are surprised! When I’ve discussed this with female friends (admittedly not recently) there was a huge variety. Personally it was something I enjoyed a lot as a teenager, and in my early 20s would do it with DH (not Yet DH at that stage) to show him what I liked. But in all honesty, I prefer it when he does it and as we share a bed, he’s pretty much always available and I can’t imagine him saying no! We’re very comfortable together and there’s no pressure for it necessarily to lead to sex if we’re tired/don’t fancy it (we have a 3yo and are expecting twins soon, so frankly sex can be a bit of a faff right now!). Why are people so accepting that some people e.g. like to go to the pub lots whereas others like to have a hot chocolate at home, but find it really weird that there is an equally wide distribution in what people enjoy with regards to sex!

LipikarAdvert · 10/09/2020 08:01

Maybe you're busy thinking about other things?

Masturbation is wrong or disgusting, but we don't need to do it all the time. We can fill our lives with more enriching activities.

I never do it either. I choose to spend my alone time reading, writing or doing crafts. Masturbating would give me a "high" for 5 minutes or so, but wouldn't have achieved anything purposeful from doing it. It would be different with sex, as I'd be bonding with my partner but what's the point in masturbating really?

Russellbrandshair · 10/09/2020 08:02

Why are people so accepting that some people e.g. like to go to the pub lots whereas others like to have a hot chocolate at home, but find it really weird that there is an equally wide distribution in what people enjoy with regards to sex

I have no issue with people being different and we all have different preferences. But the OP specifically called it “icky” which is quite shaming. You can accept people are different without calling other people’s choices “icky”. ESPECIALLY considering that is the prevailing misogynistic view of feminine sexuality that has kept women oppressed and unsatisfied for years.

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/09/2020 08:05

but what's the point in masturbating really?

Because orgasms feel amazing?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 10/09/2020 08:07

but what's the point in masturbating really

It feels amazing. It releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel calm, happ, its healthy etc...

I mean, I dont really need any other reason lol, thats more than enough!

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 10/09/2020 08:09

Oh, also forgot- another great reason is that it teaches you about your own body, what you like and dont like, which is very helpful when youre with a partner because how on earth can you explain to someone else what turns you on if youve never even explored that yourself?

lioncitygirl · 10/09/2020 08:10

Each to their own. I do it quite often, I think it’s natural, perhaps don’t say it’s icky - they way you feel about something connected to sex might be why you have a low sex drive.

Regretsy · 10/09/2020 08:13

I think a great thing about masturbating is that you get to choose whether you want to or not - unlike relationship sex (that sounds wrong but you get what I mean, sexual chores). So you shouldn’t feel bad if you don’t want to. Your language and the fact you’ve asked on here makes me think that you feel like you’re missing out and may have some issues around sex and/or your body that might be helped by speaking to your DH or a professional. I personally love it but go through phases- sometimes I forget it exists and sometimes it’s twice a day. I love the freedom of choosing and never having to feel bad as it’s my thing.