Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a man says to you..

209 replies

Runforyourlifeitsagherkin · 09/09/2020 21:30

When you text back and forth with a friend from work and explain you are Upset and had a bad day and his response is:

“In another life, I would be down to give you a hug and make you feel better”

You are female, single. And he is married.

What does this mean to you? In what circumstance would you expect that response?

For the sake of voting
YABU= nothing in it
YANBU= he’s after something

OP posts:
Torvean32 · 10/09/2020 01:17

It's a weird thing to say. A married man can hug a female friend and it means nothing.

The fact he started with " in another life" makes me think the comment is not that innocent.

Kat19811 · 10/09/2020 01:59

It’s a bit confusing message I suppose how it ready. It could be genuine or have a motive. Is he a huggy type of guy?

1forAll74 · 10/09/2020 02:23

It's fine, and quite amusing.

TorgosPizza · 10/09/2020 02:42

I'd be disgusted and think he was trying to dirty with me. It would make me feel awkward around him, from now on.

Not sure exactly what he's hoping for in the way of a response, but if keep my distance and stop sharing any personal information with him. Nothing but business and professionalism to tell him clearly that you're not interested in him in that way.

TorgosPizza · 10/09/2020 02:43

Confused flirt, not dirty!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2020 03:09

@AcrossthePond55

It's the 'in another life' phrase that makes me think he's more interested than he should be. It's a kind of overblown phrase that implies that he wishes there was 'another life'. It may not be a direct 'come on' but to me it implies interest.

If he'd said 'I'd like to come give you a hug but I'm married/my wife wouldn't be impressed/don't want to give you a wrong idea' or something that affirmed that he's thinking of his marriage first then I'd say there was nothing in it.

This is how I see the comment as well. Not marriage ending. But something he needs to take seriously and realise he’s screwed up big time. It may well have been off the cuff and not thought through as a way of trying to appease her or equally a fishing comment.

I must admit I was rubbish at telling men to get lost when I was younger and upset my dh because of it. I had no intention of having sex with the men. I just had never been taught about boundaries or given the right to assert myself as a child. As a result, adulthood was tough going before I got decent therapy. Only you know how good your dh is at expressing himself.

ispepsiokay · 10/09/2020 03:48

I'd read it ask 'given half a chance I'd be shagging you on the side, whilst falsely promising to leave my wife one day'.

Creep.

Rainagain72 · 10/09/2020 04:51

Hmmm I dunno, bit pathetic of him but perhaps he’s flattered by her attention and neediness...not sure he’s fishing for anything more. I wouldn’t text a male colleague with my woes, unless they were solely work-related, especially a married one...it’s just inviting this kind of thing, which I think is what she was doing.

MsDogLady · 10/09/2020 05:19

He was flirting and showing romantic interest.

She is “offloading all her life issues“ and he is “comforting” her. This Rescuer/Damsel dynamic can be heady stuff that engenders emotional intimacy. They’ve been communicating on that level both in and outside of work, and he is already responding to her—and you—in a way that creates distance between you and damages your marriage.

His minimizing is troubling. He best not dismiss your feelings of discomfort.

My take on her saying “oh I’d just bore you going on about all this” is that she was being coy as a set-up for him to respond with reassurance that he could never be bored and very much wants to help.

This risky business needs to come to a screeching halt. He needs to disengage from her pronto, acknowledge that he crossed a line, examine his need for this ego boost, and work on strengthening his boundaries.

Frownette · 10/09/2020 05:28

Sounds like he's being flirtatious, sorry.

Imagining himself as a parallel universe being so there's a dollop of magical realism in there.

Blwoingbubbles · 10/09/2020 05:40

He’s saying if he weren’t married he’d hug you and ‘make you feel better’.
I don’t think this is sweet. This is testing the water to see how you respond.
This is classic behaviour from a man cleverly trying to push boundaries and see what he can get away with IMO.

ShitStain · 10/09/2020 06:39

DH thinks it’s inappropriate too.

yecannyshoveyergranny · 10/09/2020 06:41

If it were me he'd need to put an end to the texting and support and bullshit or it would be over.

Marnie76 · 10/09/2020 06:45

@Ohtherewearethen

Does he mean a non-covid life? If so I'd think he was really sweet.
Would you think it was sweet if it was your DH saying this?
Shoxfordian · 10/09/2020 06:45

Sounds flirtatious to me
Has he got form for this?

unimaginativeusernamehere · 10/09/2020 06:49

My dh has a few female friends and I have no issue with him texting them or meeting up without me. I'd be really upset by that text though, it really almost implies he wishes he wasn't married so he was free to peruse her.
Their friendship is now becoming inappropriate and I think you're within your rights to ask him to stop speaking to her outside of the workplace.

Pogmella · 10/09/2020 06:59

Ugh. No it’s not appropriate, he should acknowledge this.

I had an awful year where I lost my mum, Exh had an affair and I had to move out. My best male friend used to text me but never like this! I’ve just searched WhatsApp and examples are ‘Hope you’re ok let me know if there’s anything me and DW can do to help’. On one occasion he did ask if I’d like to come to the cinema with him to see a new film by a director we both liked but this was phrased’if you can get someone to have DC I’ll see if DW minds holding the fort for the night as she hates these films!’

This is how a male friend offers support in a platonic way.

tootiredtospeak · 10/09/2020 06:59

Meh just reply a hug from a freind would be great if it wasnt for covid eh. He will get the point no need to be a drama queen.

HotGlueGun · 10/09/2020 07:10

@tootiredtospeak if you bothered to read the actual thread, you'd realise that there's every reason for OP to be a "drama queen"

RattleOfBars · 10/09/2020 07:16

A clumsy way to try and comfort you? Or seeking an invitation to come over? Only you know what he’s like. Did your previous msg to him have anything in he could have read as ‘can you come over’ and he was trying to let you down gently?

Did you hug pre Covid? People at my workplace did. Once I was crying in my office and a colleague I didn’t know well came by, asked what was up and hugged me. Nothing sexual he’s just that sort of huggy colleague. Pre Covid hugging was instinctive for some.

Nottherealslimshady · 10/09/2020 07:20

It could be that he just just worded it poorly, if he doesn't have form. How did she respond?
Back when I was young and into that sort of thing I would have seen that as an opportunity to turn the conversation to sex but it didn't always work out, sometimes they hadn't meant it that way or they really did mean "if I weren't married I'd give you a hug, but I am so I definitely wont."

SueEllenMishke · 10/09/2020 07:31

I would not be happy.
Hugs between friends are fine but it's the 'in another life' bit that changes the tone

AlwaysLatte · 10/09/2020 07:39

What it would mean to me is a reminder that texting back and forth with a married man is never a good idea!

Showandtell1 · 10/09/2020 07:40

Why do you care so much do you want him?

blagaaw99 · 10/09/2020 07:43

Just ignore and don't overly text a married coworker!