If a man says to you..

[Runforyourlifeitsagherkin]

When you text back and forth with a friend from work and explain you are Upset and had a bad day and his response is:

“In another life, I would be down to give you a hug and make you feel better”

You are female, single. And he is married.

What does this mean to you? In what circumstance would you expect that response?

For the sake of voting
YABU= nothing in it
YANBU= he’s after something

Yeah sorry OP, he's trying to get a positive response from her that she'd like him to give her a hug and more.

If it was just him being a good friend, there would be no need for the "in another life" comment.

I don't think he's necessarily being sleezy. If I said 'In another life" that might be my way of letting someone who I thought might want to get closer down gently.Equally, "in another life" might mean just that; he likes you, and in another life, were he not married, which he definitely is, he'd like to think he could be with you. If I were you I'd take it as a compliment and move on,,,,He is married after all, and therefore completely off limits, so why give it any further thought?

Thanks everyone
Don’t know if this is worth throwing nearly 20 years away for. And if it’s fair on the kids to do so.

If it was just him being a good friend, there would be no need for the "in another life" comment

If I said 'In another life" that might be my way of letting someone who I thought might want to get closer down gently.Equally, "in another life" might mean just that; he likes you, and in another life, were he not married, which he definitely is, he'd like to think he could be with you

This is what I mean

I would perhaps consider it a blip. A serious one, but a blip.

Don’t know if this is worth throwing nearly 20 years away for.

I agree. I think things may very well be salvageable, but he has to come to grips with how inappropriate he has been. He also needs to be fully aware of how badly your trust has been shaken. Counselling is very much needed to get through this.

I've had a married man say that to me, or similar, and he definitely wanted to have an affair.

I would not necessarily end a marriage over it, but I would see it as a red flag for my marriage.

I said that phrase to a woman friend, when she was drunk and said, she thought I might go home with her! She was being suggestive... and that was my polite response, as I have a partner that I love.

Oh no I'm really sorry, I was reading the thread and then had to finish the laundry and then I posted without realising about the update. Thanks @suckingdownDarjeeling for the heads up. OP, I am really sorry- both for my mistake and for what's happened.

She’s being needy, he likes being needed and he definitely wants to take it further.

He’s being a disrespectful shit to you.

"in another life"... I mean

DH has single female colleagues he texts and I have single male colleagues I text, so not averse to that. This comment though sounds inappropriate, in another life I'd come and give you a hug??? Erm no I don't think so. "In a non Covid life I'd come and pour you a large gin" -friendly commiseration, "in another life I'd come down and give you a hug" -not saying I'll do anything but just checking my options...

@Aquamarine1029

Don’t know if this is worth throwing nearly 20 years away for.

I agree. I think things may very well be salvageable, but he has to come to grips with how inappropriate he has been. He also needs to be fully aware of how badly your trust has been shaken. Counselling is very much needed to get through this.

Yep. OP I'm sorry.

There are so many variables though. Do they work in a stressful environment whereby you really need the support of your colleagues or are they working in a bank? Does your dh have close platonic friendships with women, is he a higher generally? Is this the first time you have had anything like this happen in your relationship? How are things between you two? Would you hug a male, single workmate if he was a bit down without thinking anything of it? How would your dh react to that?

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like "if I wasn't married." I would be hurt and angry too as he's crossed a line. I wouldn't end my marriage over it but I agree counselling is a good idea.

@iVampire

I didn’t vote as I don’t think it’s quite either of the options

He’s not ‘after something’ but is (possibly quite unawares) pushing you against boundaries, or is trying to be sympathetic but has chosen a really cack handed way of doing it

Recommend you don’t share emotions with him in future.

This

He is attracted to you .

I've read your updates OP.

I agree this isn't an instant LTB situation. It sounds to me like it's highly unlikely anything has actually happened between them, from all the info you have given.

I think you need to make it clear to him how hurtful and wrong this is, and insist that it stops now and he doesn't do this again.

If you find out that he's done something like this again in the future then I would probably start thinking about ending it.

It's the 'in another life' phrase that makes me think he's more interested than he should be. It's a kind of overblown phrase that implies that he wishes there was 'another life'. It may not be a direct 'come on' but to me it implies interest.

If he'd said 'I'd like to come give you a hug but I'm married/my wife wouldn't be impressed/don't want to give you a wrong idea' or something that affirmed that he's thinking of his marriage first then I'd say there was nothing in it.

I would be very unhappy if my DH sent a message like that. I think it's flirting territory and inappropriate

If I received it or a friend did I would think he was indicating that he finds me(her) attractive and wants to flirt a bit but that's as far as he wants it to go, at least at this point. I would also think he was wanting me (or friend) to flirt back.

As his wife I would think he was playing with fire. Trying to flirt and get an ego boost without thinking about how easily it could become something else (or even, maybe, hoping it could grow into something more).

I dont like the sound of that one.

I don't think it's an immediate LTB offense. But I do think that in order to move past it, he's going to have to acknowledge the situation for what it is, not just what he wants you to believe.

"In another life" is a wishful statement.

If you were looking at your favourite car that you couldn't afford, you could say "in another life, that would be my car". That's coveting.

If you hope to see somebody again but know it's unlikely, you'd say "see you in another life". That's wishful.

If you were looking at your career and thinking you'd rather be doing something you love, you'd say "in another life, I'd be working as an X"

You wouldn't say "in another life, I'd be driving to Sainsbury's", it's too dull. If you did say that, people would think you really loved Sainsbury's

I can't think of any situation where you'd say that and not mean it's something you wish you could have had.

If he's willing to acknowledge that, to talk to you about how it obviously makes you feel and to accept that it's inappropriate, then I don't think it's worth dwelling on.

However, if he tries to minimise it by saying you're reading too much in to it, then I think you have bigger problems than you may realise.

I'm very sorry, this sounds like an awful situation to find yourself in