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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a man says to you..

209 replies

Runforyourlifeitsagherkin · 09/09/2020 21:30

When you text back and forth with a friend from work and explain you are Upset and had a bad day and his response is:

“In another life, I would be down to give you a hug and make you feel better”

You are female, single. And he is married.

What does this mean to you? In what circumstance would you expect that response?

For the sake of voting
YABU= nothing in it
YANBU= he’s after something

OP posts:
justasking111 · 09/09/2020 22:11

Wow some of you lot must be married to potential sleaze balls to think so strongly like this. My OH is kind like this as I hope am I. It is just a human response for most folk.

roadsurvey · 09/09/2020 22:13

@justasking111

Wow some of you lot must be married to potential sleaze balls to think so strongly like this. My OH is kind like this as I hope am I. It is just a human response for most folk.

Good god no. Why on earth would I marry a prick like that Hmm

For the record, I think like this because of the men that act like this.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 09/09/2020 22:13

"Wish I could be down to give you a hug and make you feel better” would be open to innocent interpretation.

The "in another life" part suggests that circumstances that are not going to change will prevent this from happening. The pandemic is going to change, or at least highly likely to, so it's not that. If he's referring to his marriage, then it means that the kind of hug he wants to give is not appropriate for a married man to give this single woman. Otherwise why would it be an issue for "another life"? A married person giving a hug innocently wouldn't give it a second thought.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2020 22:14

What did you want it to mean ?

MagMell · 09/09/2020 22:15

Assuming that ‘in another life’ doesn’t just mean ‘in another life where there’s no pandemic’, but ‘in another life when I’m not married’, I’d be wondering why he appeared to think a hug given to an upset friend is some sexual thing incompatible with marriage.

I had some complicated health news today and my male friend gave me a lift home from hospital and a hug. We’re both happily married. No one tore anyone’s clothes off in the car park.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 09/09/2020 22:15

@justasking111

Wow some of you lot must be married to potential sleaze balls to think so strongly like this. My OH is kind like this as I hope am I. It is just a human response for most folk.

Why would your husband suggest he has to wait for another life to give a woman a hug? Confused

Notapheasantplucker · 09/09/2020 22:16

OP, why don't you just ask him what he means

NavyBerry · 09/09/2020 22:16

Why are you texting back and forth with a married man from work?

sunnydaytomorrow · 09/09/2020 22:17

Yawn. Typical sleezy married man trying to get his end away. You sound flattered

WitsEnding · 09/09/2020 22:18

I’d interpret it rather differently to previous posters, as:

“I know you’re looking for emotional support and hugs but my life is with my wife and family - it’s not appropriate so choose another prop!”

Brush-off from someone who doesn’t want to be pushed into emotional affair territory.

why2020 · 09/09/2020 22:18

Been here many times, he is a sleazy man who wants to shag you but he wants to flirt in a way that in his head makes him 'not guilty'

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2020 22:19

Why are you texting back and forth with a married man from work?

Exactly. Just a bad idea all around.

FreekStar · 09/09/2020 22:19

In the current circumstances 'another life' is sure to mean a life without covid.

If you are close enough friends to be able to tell him you've had a bad day and are upset then I see his offer of a hug as reciprocal to your confiding remarks.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 09/09/2020 22:20

@WitsEnding

I’d interpret it rather differently to previous posters, as:

“I know you’re looking for emotional support and hugs but my life is with my wife and family - it’s not appropriate so choose another prop!”

Brush-off from someone who doesn’t want to be pushed into emotional affair territory.

I today see your point, but personally in that instance I'd say 'aw, wish you had someone to give you a hug and make it all better' or some such nonsense. I wouldn't want to risk the suggestion that I'm contemplating a relationship with the person by saying that I would "in another life"

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 09/09/2020 22:21

*totally, not today 🤦‍♀️

CheetasOnFajitas · 09/09/2020 22:21

My instant reaction was that the other life was non-Covid life.

Why is he saying “down”? Does he live upstairs from you?

Your texting about having a bad day etc sounds like it was a bit needy though, not really appropriate behaviour between colleagues.

TenDays · 09/09/2020 22:22

He is flirting. Keep your distance!

Someone9 · 09/09/2020 22:22

Anyone who can't see the sleaze in this has lead a very sheltered life! The innocence is somewhat endearing Grin

He's a creep OP. No doubt about it.

Pebblexox · 09/09/2020 22:23

What kind of friendship do you have with him? Does his wife know you text regularly (is this a random one off) I don't think there's enough information to make a judgement.

FloweringFlowers · 09/09/2020 22:24

I thought non COVID times..

SoulofanAggron · 09/09/2020 22:24

I have to know what you wrote to him OP first. This wasn’t an unsolicited comment after all. You said you had been telling him about a bad day and how you were Upset.

Someone is allowed to text a friend and say they've had a bad day. It doesn't warrant a married man coming on to them. It is an unprovoked flirtatious comment.

flametrees · 09/09/2020 22:25

Why not share your woes with an actual friend and stop pretending you are friends with this married man that you can't understand! If you can't even interpret what he's saying why are you engaging.

anticon · 09/09/2020 22:25

Don't go there. DH and I each have long standing platonic friends of the opposite sex (that predated our relationship). We are huggers too. Neither of us would text that. There are other ways of expressing support to a good friend - none of them are about testing boundaries. I would text back that this is not appropriate and stop engaging.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/09/2020 22:26

Why are you texting back and forth with a married man from work?

This.

PicsInRed · 09/09/2020 22:27

You newish in the office, OP? Too new to know his reputation?