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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everybody wants me to have an abortion

297 replies

IamConfused202 · 09/09/2020 13:44

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 09/09/2020 13:48

He doesn't get a say in it because it is your body and your choice. He has said how he feels, which is fair enough. But your body is not a democracy.

You need time to think about what you want. Not what your mum wants, or your friends, or your boyfriend. Do you want to have and raise a child? Can you?
It must be your decision and the first thing to do is tell people to stop putting pressure on you.

Original poster
IamConfused202 · 09/09/2020 13:50

Also please don't make this into a debate about why I live with parents. My plan was to move out once i had my deposit sorted. I had a bit more savings than the £2500 originally but due to being out of work for a couple of months, the savings have gone down just a little bit,
It is a situation that suits us all but I know I can't have a baby in this house

OP posts:
Original poster
IamConfused202 · 09/09/2020 13:52

@VettiyaIruken I would love to keep the baby but I just can't see how I can when I have no job or no house of my own.
I don't want tablets to come through the post and would much rather have gone to a clinic. I would have liked to have seen a scan and by seeing a scan it could make the decision easier.

OP posts:
iswhois · 09/09/2020 13:53

Ditch the partner for trying to take control of your body- it takes two to make a baby

It is entirely your decision. People have children on all types of circumstances and find the means to manage.

User3627290 · 09/09/2020 13:54

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so conflicted OP.

You are the only person who can decide if you want an abortion - it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. But if you don’t think this is the right time or that you could support a baby, please don’t feel guilty for choosing to have an abortion. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it’s not a remotely immoral choice.

I hope that whatever you decide you’re ok Flowers

LouiseTrees · 09/09/2020 13:55

You don’t need a room for a baby. They should be in with you for 6 to 12 months anyway. There are a lot of nice to haves but in reality you don’t need a lot for a baby and can get a lot second hand ( apart from a car seat and a new mattress for a side sleeper/cot/baby box). If you want to keep the baby you should. If you don’t you shouldn’t it’s that simple. No one else gets a say. For example, what if you are not able to have children when the time becomes more convenient , will they start saying “ when you going to have a baby”. It’s important to think through all the consequences before making the final decision. Where in the UK are you (county wise), as there may also be financial or emotional help ( regardless of decision) we can point you to?

rottiemum88 · 09/09/2020 13:56

I would have liked to have seen a scan and by seeing a scan it could make the decision easier.

Would it really OP? I think what's likely is that seeing a scan would have allowed you to become even more attached to the idea of having the baby. Whilst that might be what you want, I don't think it makes the decision any better easier.

Ultimately your situation is far from ideal but it's your body and your choice to make. Don't make the decision for anyone else because theres only you that will like with the psychological impact if you make the wrong decision for you. Remember that there's help available if you don't have a job/housing; have you looked at what you'd be entitled to if you were alone?

Serenschintte · 09/09/2020 13:57

Hi @IamConfused202 as @VettiyaIruken says it’s not their choice. It’s yours. The baby is in your body not theirs. There are options to help.
There is help out there. I’ll send you a Pm.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2020 13:57

Have your parents said you’ll have to move out if you keep your baby?

LouiseTrees · 09/09/2020 13:58

Also read your update but couldn’t you wait for your first scan and make the decision then if that’s what you really want?

TheFuckingDogs · 09/09/2020 14:00

This was actually my situation at 25 - my boyfriend, parents, some friends thought I should have an abortion. I really wasn’t sure. One of my biggest worries was my relationship wouldn’t survive the abortion.
I did in the end get one.
I’m now married to the boyfriend and have been for a decade - we have dc and a nice life. We also did some amazing things in the rest of our 20s.
No one can tell you what to do ultimately but I just wanted to give you a different perspective. Hope you’re ok and can reach a decision.

SharedLife · 09/09/2020 14:00

You would love to keep the baby, but would you love to keep them in the real life circumstances you are living in now. Do you think maybe it's more that you'd love to be a mum. You can be, one day in the future, when you are in a better position.
The opinion of your parents only counts in as much as it will impact your living situation. Really the only opinion that counts is yours.

averylongtimeago · 09/09/2020 14:00

The only person whose opinion matters is you. You will be carrying the baby, giving birth and you will be the mother.

Don't be bullied or persuaded into something you don't feel happy with.
If that means an abortion, that should be your choice.
If it means having the baby, have the baby. Babies don't take up much space when they are tiny, there is help available so don't let that put you off.

Good luck - whatever you decide.Thanks

Soubriquet · 09/09/2020 14:00

It is your decision. 100%

However I see where they are coming from. Most employers won’t employ someone who is pregnant (even if they won’t say that reason)

You have no where to live that has no room for a child.

Badjudgeofcharacter · 09/09/2020 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Workerbee80 · 09/09/2020 14:02

If you decide to keep the baby your boyfriend will have a financial responsibility towards the child, whether he likes it or not. Don't let others pressure you, as a previous poster said, it has to be your decision.

TinyTornado · 09/09/2020 14:04

Oh what a situation. I really feel for you. I was put under a lot of pressure to have an abortion by my ex and I’m so glad I didn’t do it.
Two and a bit years on he has since got over himself and is a pretty good dad with a great relationship with his son.
I suspect from your post that if you do have an abortion you will regret it and wonder about the child that might have been.. so please remember the choice is yours and yours alone.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 09/09/2020 14:04

It is your decision, but it comes with consequences, such as finding a place to live if there is no room for a baby where you are now and possibly doing it alone if your relationship breaks down. It should be weighed up very carefully.

nestisflown · 09/09/2020 14:06

[quote IamConfused202]@VettiyaIruken I would love to keep the baby but I just can't see how I can when I have no job or no house of my own.
I don't want tablets to come through the post and would much rather have gone to a clinic. I would have liked to have seen a scan and by seeing a scan it could make the decision easier.[/quote]
The scan will make the decision to keep the baby easier, and to have an abortion harder. Especially if they allow you to hear the heartbeat.

It is completely your decision - your boyfriend is making this all about him. But it’s your body, your choice.

Hopefully someone will come along with more options for how you can make your financial situation and living arrangements work should you want to keep the baby.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 09/09/2020 14:07

You clearly don't want to have the abortion so...don't. It is your body and, although the circumstances aren't the ones you would have chosen, it isn't the end of the world. Whichever you decide, don't let others decide for you. You have autonomy over your body.

Nottherealslimshady · 09/09/2020 14:09

Not one of those people is entitled to an opinion. It is your decision only to make. What do you want to do? Could you raise a baby? You'll get financial support and theres all kinds of help to help you be a mum.
It's entirely your choice.

hibbledibble · 09/09/2020 14:09

It's your decision. No one else's opinion matters in this. Your op reads like you don't want an abortion. Please do what is right for you.

Your housing and employment issues are hopefully only temporary.

RobinlovesCormoran · 09/09/2020 14:14

Marie Stopes might be able to help. They offer abortion, but they can also talk through other options, including keeping your baby. 0345 300 8090. mariestopes.org.uk This is YOUR decision. Ignore the noise.

TeaLibrary · 09/09/2020 14:14

Every sympathy for what sounds like a difficult situation. Nobody should be pressuring you to do anything you arent comfortable with. However I think you are right to think about the practicalities of having a child in terms of housing and financially supporting yourselves. Have you checked to see potentially what benefit entitlement you may have. You clearly want this child and its ultimately your decision.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 09/09/2020 14:15

It's your decision.

I found myself pregnant is worse circumstances than you're in now at a similar age but knew I wanted my baby.

She's 14 yo now! I won't lie, it's been hard at times (amazing at other times) and I have no regrets.

I also had close friends and family telling me to get an abortion. They adore my dd now but tbh I've never forgiven them for suggesting it.

Factors like money and finding somewhere to live do sort themselves out. If you decide to go it alone you will be entitled to some financial help and you can also apply for social housing.