Everybody wants me to have an abortion

[IamConfused202]

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

@KatherineofTarragon I’ve been working from home since 5am.
“Go away and leave me alone” that’s rich. You just don’t want to answer my question and I know why. You’ve gone after anyone who has disagreed with you.
I’m unfollowing the thread now..... have a good day

It’s a totally personal choice. To have a baby may mean years of hardship but you will probably never regret it . To terminate for practical reasons is totally acceptable as long as you are at peace with the decision - otherwise you may struggle emotionally for a long time afterwards. Image both scenarios for a while and hopefully you’ll “feel” which one is right for you . As others have said , your body - your life. good luck honey xxx

Sandii:
'To have a baby may mean years of hardship but you will probably never regret it'.

But that's just not true, is it? There are plenty of threads on here from women who regret having wanted and planned for babies. It's HARD having children. Having them when your circumstances aren't ideal is harder.

Is Katie Hopkins using a pseudonym on here ! ( mentioning no names but sure you all know who l’m referring to )....to keep going on like a Tory MP about the financial aspect is very one sided. We don’t know anything about the OP and her emotional health ..and whilst l’m pro-choice - this is a life we are discussing and no one should be shamed for struggling with homes / money etc. Only wealthy people get to chose then ? If people can’t post support or suggestions with compassion on such a difficult subject they should bow out .

So hard, OP.

If you had a miscarriage tomorrow would you feel relief or be very distressed?

OP, if you don’t continue this pregnancy it’s just a case of saying “not right now.”

In a year or so things will likely be more settled - you won’t be unemployed and living with your parents forever. The desire to have a baby is perfectly natural, we’re wired that way. Wanting a baby doesn’t mean “in any circumstances,” and it’s worth thinking about what circumstances you’d like to bring your child into. What would give your baby the best chance to thrive?

If that’s having him/her right now, great. If it’s waiting until you’re living with the baby’s father and in work, take the tablets.

Much sympathy for you whatever you choose.

This is so tough I feel for you. I feel pregnant with my second son when my oldest was nine months old. Our finances and our marriage were in tatters and so very similar to you I, and all around me, felt abortion best.

I had a nagging doubt though that I would regret it, I tried to convince myself as it was so early it wasn’t a person yet. Ultimately I read something in here where someone had advised ‘you will never regret having a baby’ which gave me the confidence to proceed. Not having the money, relationship, resources are to me not reasons to abort. I kept thinking if we had more money I could keep my baby... in the end I decided sod the money I am keeping my baby!!! So if I was you I would think about why you are considering abortion - discount others opinions. I think it comes down to your instinct. You and only you can choose

Take care x

P.s. never for a second have I regretted my decision even though the consequences of having him have been tough! Bringing a person into this world is beyond anything imaginable... he brings me so much joy and happiness

To have a baby may mean years of hardship but you will probably never regret it
This is unbiguous. Indeed, rarely do we get women saying they regretted having a particular child but how often do we read a mother saying she wished she'd waited until her life was more settled.

We get endless threads about single women struggling with housing, managing work with childcare, frustrated because they can only get nmw jobs, trying to go back to studying but struggle to juggle everything, dealing with a benefit system that is not generous as it used to be and harder to navigate.

Even if the relationship has, the resentment overcast everything, fathers don't get involved, the mum is frustrated being line a single mum but can't say anything because after all the dad didn't want the child anyway.

It's all well to say that one will have emotional scars having an abortion when not totally wanted, but it's not right to say that this will forcibly be harder to live with then the outcome of being a single mum with no housing, career prospect and father either not around or not fully committed.

I always feel uncomfortable when reading this sort of thread. It too easily leads to posters arguing amongst themselves as to what decision the OP should make about her pregnancy. It's very often a vulnerable young woman who is already very confused. We don't know her circumstances apart from what she shares with us, and, for all we know, she might have the baby and it might end up in care. Or the pregnant woman might terminate and not cope with it afterwards. Or she might be fine whatever decision she makes. But we don't know any of that.

I find myself thinking about my DDs' birth mum. She could easily have posted a thread on Mumsnet and followed advice on here to go ahead with one of her pregnancies.

The only one who can make this decision is the OP and she needs to have RL support to help her come to the right decision for her.

Life comes with all kinds of decisions. Some far more difficult to make than others.

Imagine for a moment that you're not pregnant.
What plans have you in mind for your future? A long term relationship with your bf? Does he feel the same, such as plans to move into a place together? If there is no future with him, then his opinion on having an abortion is really not his to give.
There are plenty of young women that go on to have their baby and cope despite the housing/jobs/money issues. They do cope and don't regret that choice.
Conversely, there are many that also regret not taking the route of a termination.
Ultimately, you are the only person that can make the difficult decision for yourself knowing what future dreams you may have had.
Whatever your decision, I truly wish you the very best.

I was in a very similar situation as you OP, but was slightly younger. We had been in a relationship for about the same amount of time and were living with each other at the time.

Ex-bf wanted me to abort and I had the appointment booked etc. Ultimately I couldn’t go through with it and ended up having to live with my dmum to have the baby.

Predictably, baby’s father did a bunk and only saw her a couple of times before ceasing all contact at 18mo old. It was really hard. I suffered terrible PND and whilst I love my DD fiercely I wish I could have had her later and without a massive shit for a father, because it causes her some angst that he couldn’t give a shit about her.

Ultimately, proceed only on the basis that you are happy to be a single parent because if your bf isn’t on board, despite the whole ‘will support your decision regardless’ they usually don’t stick around if having a baby isn’t what they want.

Good luck. It’s an awful decision to have to make

In reply toMittens. The OP said she did not want an abortion but felt she had no choice as she was being pressurised and felt there was no support. Posters pointed out there is support.

You need to call the clinic again and go in and speak to someone. It sounds like, deep down, you want to keep this baby, and would regret the abortion. But please keep in mind that I am a random stranger on the internet who has come to that conclusion based on the posts you have written here, which isn't much to go on. I could be completely wrong - only you know how you really feel.

Do not allow yourself to be pushed into ANYTHING. Whatever choice you make now - keep the baby, or get an abortion - you are the one who is going to have to live with that choice for the rest of your life. Please think really careful, take any professional advice that you can get, and move forward in whatever way you ultimately feel is best.

Good luck OP x

Fair enough, yes there have been very helpful comments. I wasn't particularly criticising this thread, but just commenting on this type of thread in general, where posters start to project from their own personal experiences, as it's a very emotive discussion obviously. There are obviously posters who are genuinely offering help and providing links to where the OP can access support.

But I still think that telling the OP that she absolutely shouldn't go ahead because of her financial situation isn't helpful, but neither is telling her that she will definitely not regret it if she has the baby/will definitely regret it if she has a termination. She needs to access RL support from friends who won't push her one way or the other, and to have counselling to enable her to come to the right decision for her.

You do have time to decide, OP, as you're in the very early stages of pregnancy.

I've read the OPs posts but not all the other posters post.

OP, Everyone is correct when they say it's your body and your choice but I think the most important thing to consider in all of this isn't you it's your 'future' child (be it from this pregnancy or from a future pregnancy). You have to put their needs first and you have to do everything you can to do the right thing for them. Il
Lots of people have babies in less than ideal situations but sometimes I wonder if people would be better off waiting until things (money/housing/relationships/etc) are more favourable.
This needs to be a heart AND head decision.
Good luck.

I would make the decision with my head rather than heart. I’d be very scared about having no job, no money, no home of my own and bringing a baby into the world.
People do regret abortions, they also regret having children. So think through each scenario with your head. If you need an independent counsellor than go for it, otherwise you’re taking on others opinions when you need to sort out your own decision first with their opinions as the supporting information.

I was a baby with a father who didn't want her after her mother lied about contraception to conceive. Please think of the consequences on the baby of having a father who doesn't want you. I won't say how my life went but it wasn't great.

Talk to some professionals but also listen to your head.

Take care.

I think the phrase 'you never regret having a child' is really not true. Parenting is really hard. Not everybody is 'wired' to have a child (also mentioned by pp). The fact is, we are giving our opinions based on our experiences. I've had children and I've had an abortion. Both seemed 'right' in my unique set of circumstances.

This is a really hard decision and you need time. You need autonomy to make your decision. It is your body.
If you can, contact some of the professional advice lines mentioned upthread and do not be pressurised.

Op this is your decision. You need to talk about practicalities with your parents and the father because you and the baby will need somewhere to live. Find out what benefits you are entitled to.

A child is a life long commitment and unfortunately society makes it easy for men to do very little.

OP if you are still reading, I've been where you are. Similar age, didn't have my own home, not living with boyfriend at the time, work situation rocky.

I won’t tell you what you should / shouldn’t do, but I will tell you my story as someone who can relate.

I didn't have any strong feelings either way about whether I wanted to continue with the pregnancy or not, so I found it very confusing how to make a decision, and hated that it felt so urgent, because of the time constraints. The worry about my circumstances made it even more difficult to focus on the basic question of do I want this baby or not? Also had my boyfriend panicking, his initial reaction to the positive test was "I don't want to be a father now", and I struggled to separate him and our relationship from the equation.

After the initial panic, my boyfriend said he would support whichever decision I made (although his initial reaction told me what I needed to know about what he wanted). I made my decision imagining him not being around, as I thought it would be silly to think otherwise. Although I did want a commitment to move in together, as I couldn’t afford that financially on my own. My plan B if he changed his mind about supporting us would have been similar to you: to move in with my mum and three younger siblings.

It’s such a hard decision to make, when neither option is ideal. I wanted to bury my head in the sand and NOT choose, but unfortunately that isn’t an option either. I felt no maternal instinct or call to know my child. In the end, I decided to go ahead with having a baby, because I was more scared of dealing with the regret of not going ahead, should it happen to surface later, than I was of living with the regret of deciding to have a child at this point in time.

I now have a ten year old, who of course is wonderful, and have gone on to have other children too. It is true what people say that once a child is here you don’t regret THEM. But you can still harbour regret for the circumstances around their arrival, and how hard it can be when your finances and relationship aren’t stable. And for the things that you missed out on by having a baby ‘early’. In my experience, the two don’t cancel each other out.

I don’t regret having my child, but I don’t think I would regret having had an abortion, either. I can see either path and I think either way, things would have worked out OK eventually, I would have made peace with either decision. Just be prepared that it may take time to get there, whichever way you decide.