Everybody wants me to have an abortion

[IamConfused202]

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

There is a housing option website where they can match you up with council/housing association properties it might not be in your area but if you can get one with better employment opportunities your in

Your boyfriend can have an opinion, but he cannot have a 'say'. It's your decision alone. He had the choice to use condoms or abstain from PiV.

Your parents don't get a 'say' either. They can say that they won't support you having a baby in their house (are they saying that??) but not a say in a termination.

Babies don't need much space at all, they should sleep in your room anyway. They don't 'need' tons of 'stuff' either.

Only YOU have to live with the consequences of this decision (either way) (& the baby obviously) None of the other adults

How dare people try to tell you what to do with your own body and your own baby. Your mother wanting rid of her unborn grandchild like it’s an inconvenience has made me go quite cold, to be honest.
As for your boy friend AkA as the father, if he didn’t want a baby he shouldn’t have dipped his wick. Has he not heard of having a wank.!!!!. Sorry to be so bloody crude.
This has to be your decision. There’s no going back once you decide. Please do not let other people pressure you. As a pp said people have babies in all circumstances and manage.

I'm sorry nobody is supporting you, of all people I would've thought your mum would stand by you if you decided to keep the baby? Maybe she would in time if you're firm in your decision. It really sounds to me like you WANT this baby and sounds like you might regret it if you take those pills. Honestly, if your boyfriend, the father of this child, doesn't support you he's not worth having in your life. Don't jump into having an abortion if its not what you want.

I would move heaven and earth to keep a baby, but we are all different.
Maybe I'm reminded of a friend who had an abortion never able to conceive again many years later.
It's your body not your bf's, don't let him decide what you should do.
I think if you want to keep it you will find a way of getting through, it's not easy but there are plenty of sp out there managing.
The council will home you, if your parents make you homeless.
You will find work, as long as you aren't too choosy there are jobs about.

My cousin had hell, not because she chose not to abort, but because the guy she fell pregnant with (and subsequently married) made her life hell. Made her get into all sorts of debt (he had money, just like your partner), and was extremely unreliable. Her parents also chucked her out so she felt she had no choice but to bury her niggling doubt and marry him. I know all this because I was extremely close to her. She lives in an awful flat But cannot move because his name is still on the tenancy and he won't remove it.

If she had had the baby and not added the extra burden of the baby's father, then I don't feel she'd have lived such a difficult life with her baby. She's never been close to her parents but they stepped up re her DS, and he's doing very well,largely because of the support from her parents. But she's suffered and still is in a lot of debt she cannot get out of (imo poor subsequent life choices plus what her exH did). The point of my relaying this story to you is to warn against feeling obligated to be with this man just because you may end up having his baby.

It's a bloody difficult situation for you. I was in a similar situation when I was your age. Had my DS then. His Dad (ex DP) walked while I was pregnant, and basically wrote us out of his life for 3yrs (he also skipped the country). I was working, renting a flat and it was bloody hard. I'd considered terminating, but I also had a diagnosis of PCOS (but was taking the pill to help regulate things) and was told that my chances of having a child were slim to none. So I went ahead with pregnancy, exDP walked and I was on my own.

It was really hard at times. My family weren't happy, but then calmed down pretty quick. They adore DS.

Stuff that I didn't take into account at the time: just how hard parenting can be...oh, and the cost of childcare. It's massively expensive. I have DD now (with STBXH) and I'm having a nightmare (thanks to covid) with finding wraparound care (no CM locally is taking on new kids and our usual school wraparound care is currently closed). I don't feel like a great parent, and I currently don't feel like a great employee (I think the guilt thing is normal though!).

Do I regret my choice? No, not at all. I love my two kids, and I know that I'm very very lucky to have them (but it's bloody hard work!!).

I think that if you can have the time to think things through, then that would be worth doing. I know plenty of people who have had TOPs, and then gone on to have children later on down the line. They made a choice that was right for them, and that's the most important thing really. Go with the choice that is right for you. Sure, people around you can voice their views, but really the choice is yours to take alone. I wish you all the best x

I think you need to take everyone else's opinions out of it and just think about what you want OP. I won't lie having a baby will not be easy but you could do it. I had an unplanned baby last year having lost my job. I think you would be eligable for maternity allowance once baby is here (if you look it up you will be able to do the calculator and find out how much) . There is also a thing called a sure start grant of £500 which is for people in a situation like yours to help buy necessities. I'd say do your research and get all the information then make a decision based on your gut feeling.

I wish you all the best. Its not easy xx

Maybe I'm reminded of a friend who had an abortion never able to conceive again many years later.

Beyond unhelpful.
Termination does not affect future fertility.
If you have evidence to show otherwise please post.

@speakout

Maybe I'm reminded of a friend who had an abortion never able to conceive again many years later.

Beyond unhelpful.
Termination does not affect future fertility.
If you have evidence to show otherwise please post.

Termination can affect future fertility. This is very unlikely after one termination though, and especially with pills.

Evidence is aplenty if you know how to use internet search.

It is your decision and you don't owe ANYONE an explanation or a need to justify it.
I have 3 children and terminated 2 pregnancies - I have absolutely no regrets about the outcomes of any of my pregnancies. But what I do know is that there is VERY rarely an ideal time to have a baby and I have a feeling that unless you 100% want to terminate your relationship is going to be dead in the water because you will come to resent everyone who pushed you into a corner on this. Thinking about the practicalities is absolutely the right thing to do but remember that anything is workable if it is the path you choose. Be kind to yourself x

Don't let your loved ones influence your decision about your pregnancy. It is your body! There are organisations which will support you through pregnancy, birth and beyond if you choose to. One such is lifecharity.org.uk/ but there are more. Please don't let economic considerations influence your decision between life and death. We are not in a third world country. Rest assured there will always be a roof over your head and means to support you and your baby who is growing within you. Solo mums receive a ton of state benefits and charity support if you end up unemployed with a child (however very little if you are unemployed without a child).

If you decide to keep the baby, things can be worked out, but that doesn't take into account whether or not you'll be happy.
Exactly the same applies if you decide to have an abortion.

This is a very difficult and emotive decision that you have to make, but you can take the time to talk to professionals about how you feel and what's right for you.

Try ;
www.brook.org.uk/your-life/abortion-making-a-decision/

www.mariestopes.org.uk/abortion-services/what-are-my-pregnancy-options/

www.nhs.uk/conditions/abortion/

www.nhs.uk/conditions/abortion/

www.nhsinform.scot/tests-and-treatments/surgical-procedures/abortion

abortionrights.org.uk/pregnant/

I wish you all the best, and remember, there is no right decision, there's just the decision that's right for you.

I think you could manage to find another job and save OP. Does your BF live with his parents? Would you be prepared to do it alone?

Honestly, if your boyfriend, the father of this child, doesn't support you he's not worth having in your life
He is the father of the baby can the OP shut him from the baby's life? Surely he has a choice rather than OP.

@updownroundandround post is good, I do think you need to talk this through some more with a neutral 3rd party.

If you are keeping this pregnancy then you need to get practical quickly. You'll need somewhere to live and something to live on (benefits might be more realistic than work unless you can get a job that covers childcare costs - check these out if you havent already).

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Op, incredibly difficult decision for you.

I had a later medical abortion at aged 26 and i had my own mortgaged home and a good full time job at that time. It was the right decision for me at that time ( no family support ) and my then boyfriend was flakey to say the least. I have never forgotten what i did but i have moved on with my life and have 2 grown children now. I would not have been able to offer my children the opportunities they have had and the financial security they have enjoyed and future security for them and me, had i gone ahead with that pregnancy.

This is ultimately your choice and your decision. However, i think if your partner has expressed his desire not to have this baby and reacted the way he has, you have to take on face value what he is telling you. He will be required to pay maint but as many of us know, that is not always a guarantee. If he has reacted as he has that indicates that this is not what he wants at this stage of his life. Please do not take this next sentence the wrong way but , that could include his longterm view of his relationship with you. The boyfriend i had at 26 , been together over 3 yrs, told him i was pregnant, very soon after ( days ) he met someone else, she was pregnant within 4 mths ( 6 mths after my termination) they now have 2 Dc's and married. So, it was me that he did not want to be tied to. If i had continued with that pregnancy my life would have taken a very different road and i suspect it would have been a rocky and harder one.

Also, you mention that your parents have concerns re housing. Again, your parents seem to be bursting at the seams and you do need to take into consideration their views , it is their family home, if you expect to need to live in their home with baby for a period of time, their views matter. As a parent myself, of older DC's, i would not be happy in this situation. I would support financially and emotionally , as my mum was very religious in these situations and i would have been banished , i am not my mum and would be different. But, would i be happy about this change in my home life? Not really, no. Not because of religious reasons at all but purely because of the impact i know a new life would impose on my home , the way i like to live now , having raised 2 DC's , our family home set up and finances.

A lot of posters on this thread have given you great advice, particularly those who are single parents, of which i am one due to divorce. It is not easy being a single parent. You have to work 10 times harder at work to prove yourself on occasion, childcare pick ups, child sick, cannot stay late as nursery closes soon! I had all the foundations in place when i had my DC's, i would have drowned without my own home and job. Thats just me though.

This pregnancy and whether to continue is your choice and your choice alone. Your body, your life, your decision.

But, in saying that your choice should not ultimately impact on others. By that i mean you need to be prepared to house yourself and baby, feed and clothe yourself and baby, work to support you and baby/ child /teenager / young adult and possibly watch your current DP meet and marry someone else and raise his own family in years to come. He may well turn out to be a great maintenance payer and be involved with baby. Only you know him and make that call. Dating, meeting someone new, how would you facilitate that?

I have been where you are and i made a choice, a hard choice but the right one for me. I am 50 now, i was a very different person at 26, another person at 30, another at 35, another at 40, another at 45 and now here i am 50 and still learning.

Looking back ,If you were me at 26 or my daughter ( i have son's) i would personally want more for you at this stage. I would have made the same decision.

You have savings, you are planning to buy your own place. You will find work, you will continue on your path to home ownership. You have plans for your future life. I would focus on what you have been aspiring to and keep that in mind before making any decisions

Good luck OP in whatever you decide. xx

You've said you think that you'd regret it so don't do it. Other people's opinions don't matter because your the only one that will have to live with your decision.

But understand that you may well lose the relationship and bring up your baby alone.
It'll be hard but there will be benefits available to you, and you eventually you'll find another job or perhaps you could study from home to look for a new job that you can do remotely - maybe look into web development or graphic design if you wanted to go down that route?

I'm completely pro choice but imo abortion is an essential service to assist women terminate pregnancies that THEY do not want to have. It is not a service to help/appease anyone else, not your boyfriend, parents or anyone. Your circumstances will change and improve but termination is final. Don't make a final decision based on temporary circumstances.

You want to have the baby. Have your baby. You sound like you'll be a lovely mum

How desperately sad for you to be under this type of pressure. Please though remember how precious the gift of life is. A new born child would be a huge blessing even in difficult times. Will keep you in my prayers.

Please think very carefully about this, it sounds like you dont want an abortion and if you had one under duress you might never recover from the guilt you put on yourself. I had a baby in very bad circumstances and 5 years later me and DS are thriving. You can find a new job there is plenty of time and you can look at renting (it will take longer to save for a house but that isnt the end of the world).

What will your life plans be if you DONT have a baby. ?

I am asking this because you talk about the awful despondency of unemployment and struggling to find work. Is it possible that you see having a baby as something to 'do' and giving your life a purpose when it must seem very bleak at the moment ?

Of course it has to be your choice and yours alone - however have you considered life beyond 'having' a baby.. as in 'living with a baby' with very little money other than inadequate benefits, and CMS (and that's far from guaranteed) ? Working with a tiny child is doable but not a good life. It's hard enough with two parents and supportive gps- not to mention a decent income and own home.

I think you really need to talk this through with an independent counsellor to explore the reasons for taken whichever step you choose.

A scan will definitely not help you make that decision.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel, that is such a sensible post.

I think the op is quietly mulling over the options. We are all saying the same things over and over. I hope she is alright and comes back to us in time, telling us of her decision.

Your poor love it seems you really want this baby. I had ds1 while living with my parents and yes it was hard but it worked out in the end and I wouldn’t change it. My partner at the time although he said he wanted children wasn’t particularly hands on. So it’s doable but won’t be easy please don’t let pressure from other people push you to make a decision you don’t want to.