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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everybody wants me to have an abortion

297 replies

IamConfused202 · 09/09/2020 13:44

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

OP posts:
SuitedandBooted · 09/09/2020 23:13

It is your decision - but your family and boyfriend are most certainly entitled to have an opinion, as you will be relying on their help and support. They care about you, and pointing out the major downsides of having a child with no home, job or money is not piling on pressure, it's facing reality like a grown-up.

Have you researched what help you may be entitled to? Your boyfriend will be financially responsible for the baby via maintenance - but he doesn't have to be involved (at all). He's not obliged to carry on the relationship, or pay for a home. Can you manage alone? What work can you do? What about childcare - do you want to study for more qualifications? People cope in situations like yours, of course - because they have to if they've chosen that path. I would want more for a child .

Dawnlassie · 09/09/2020 23:35

To all those saying the only persons opinion whose matters is the OP...

What about her parents and 3 siblings who are going to suddenly have to live with a newborn in the house crying and shitting itself at all hours. Do they not get to have a say about their lives being turned upside down?

OP if you want to keep the baby do the decent thing and move out. The other people living their should not have to face the consequences of your inability to use protection. If that means you cannot save up for a house anymore then so be it.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2020 23:40

I wouldn't want to have a child with no job and no accommodation of my own.

If you stay at home and have the baby, it will not only impact on you, but your parents and siblings...as there will be a newborn on their space too.

Your BF isn't ready for a baby and may feel resentful even though he had said he will support your decision.

The pressure of a baby when he isn't ready corks also last to the end of the relationship and it will all fall on you...as it always does to the woman.

Child support will not go very far. People on here are saying babies don't need much...I totally disagree... they need a lot.. they grow quickly and they are expensive... plus they take a lot of your energy.

On one have you have a stable relationship... so that's good...you're not to young... that's good too....but the timing and the unemployment/accomodation situation is an issue.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

DaisyDreaming · 09/09/2020 23:45

I would never say to someone they should or shouldn’t have an abortion but it really sounds like this isn’t what you. Please don’t take those tablets based on what others feel is right, it’s your body, it’s your choice. Your circumstances aren’t great but lots of people have babies in the same situation or worse. Please do what you feel is right for you not what everyone has told you to do

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2020 23:55

Honestly? I would talk to bf about having children and say I will struggle, I wonder if we can think about timing. And probably plan for in 2-4 years. I would abort this one and give finding a job my all. I don’t think your family are being selfish, they are thinking of you which is the opposite of selfish. this post below. The father might b better than that but there is a serious chance you are giving both yourself and baby a life of grinding poverty.
*IMO this is one time where this decision can’t be made based on emotions, you have to be realistic.

It’s all very well for people to say “you won’t regret it, you will manage,” but think about what that might look like.

A father who is not interested and does not pay support. Yes people say that he has to but we all know that in practice that’s not how it happens.

Parents who don’t want a baby moving into the house (and tbh I don’t blame them,) so living in a one bedroom flat at best and a room in a hostel at worst, and that’s assuming you can even get on the council housing list.

Spending the rest of your life on benefits. Yes, in an ideal world you would get another job, but in the current climate unemployment is at an all time high and it’s an employer’s market where they have hundreds and hundreds of applicants to choose from, there are no guarantees that you will be able to get a job, and once you’ve been out of the job market for a few months it will become harder and harder, not to mention the vast cost of childcare.

If you can foresee your life turning out like that and still feel you can fit a baby into all of that then go ahead.

But you have to be realistic.

As a rule I would never personally have an abortion. But in your circumstances I absolutely would.

This isn’t just a baby. It’s a child, a toddler, an older child, a teenager, and you’re bringing it into a life of poverty that there is no guarantee of leaving behind.*

Justaboy · 10/09/2020 00:28

DD2 got pregant to early and young, her mum wanted her to abort I'm now gald she didn't, she has the most wonderfull little son who lightnens up some many lives, bless him..

Kat19811 · 10/09/2020 02:04

DNt feel pressured by no one as it’s your choice hun. You have dreams as well and it’s easier for men to have sex make babies was he not using contraception? Dnt feel trapped at home go to citizen advice bureau or council re your options for housing. Dnt make a decision that quick it’s easy to end a life. Just think how you would feel after abortion you maybe depressed even more ....

Starsky82 · 10/09/2020 02:55

Just want to say, you have to do what’s right for you and don’t rush into a decision. I’m 38 and pregnant with my 3rd...massive shock and our knee jerk reaction was- we can’t have another baby now. New jobs, in the middle of remortgaging, current DC at an age where they’ve developed independence. I had all the telephone consultations with Marie Stopes, practically I decided having the baby wouldn’t work. The tablets arrived and I found myself delaying taking them and was sitting up each night crying. I wrestled with my conscience and decided that some way and somehow this opportunity had come into our lives and maybe it was for a reason. My worry was, I would never get over an abortion and I worried my mental health would suffer. I’m now 28 wks pregnant and whilst there are days I think ‘what the hell are we going to do when baby arrives?’ I know I made the right decision for my family and I.

Aria999 · 10/09/2020 03:24

I am pro choice, but if you have an abortion when you don’t want one you may regret it forever.

This.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2020 04:20

It sounds as if you want the baby despite your circumstances. You’re studying and clearly bright so if that’s what you decide, make it work. You most likely will get more energy after the first trimester.

In Very few cases, things do go wrong with abortions leaving women with difficulties in conceiving again and occasionally women have secondary infertility. This is a consideration. As is the knock on affect of your relationship with your bf and family if you do abort. Ie will you be blue to let it go. The first thing you need is some counselling to get this straight in you head.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2020 04:20

blue = able

Suzi888 · 10/09/2020 07:02

OP says she would like to keep her baby. So everyone saying abort, abort, abort until you own your own home, have a lovely career (can you specify how much Op needs to earn to please you?)
How much do you earn? Maybe I don’t think it’s enough! As I said, the benefit system is there to support someone.
@KatherineofTarragon I think you are disgusting and give awful, one sided, advice. You want the OP to have an abortion and only procreate once she earns your acceptable amount, one that please you.
Once you have a child you amount to nothing, that’s your agenda - utter nonsense. I gave an option, that’s all.
The other option is have an abortion.
It’s the OP boyfriend that wants to buy a house outright, he has good job and savings. ...

As I said before, you are a disgrace. I don’t wish to discuss further with you - it’s not your thread. Start your own! Stop hijacking OP’s for attention.

KatherineofTarragon · 10/09/2020 07:14

@Suzi888 You are completely wrong and have not understood a thing i said.

I assume you think the other posters who have echoed my comments are disgusting too ? We have asked OP to consider her family, her DP and how she will support herself . Quite legitimate.

AlwaysLatte · 10/09/2020 07:14

It might be that is the right decision for you to abort or you might decide that you will keep it and meet the challenges as they arise (eg baby in your room for the first year) but it is 100% your choice and no-one else's. Do you have a good friend who won't try to persuade you one way or the other who you can stay with for a few days to help you think clearly?
FWIW I had one at 20 and have regretted it ever since - I was persuaded into it and made to think it was the best thing to do (in reality it was all about convenience).

Suzi888 · 10/09/2020 07:24

@KatherineofTarragon
I have understood and I think you are disgusting. That’s all.
How much do you earn? Answer me. (I’ll be like you - see how annoying I can be)Grin

KatherineofTarragon · 10/09/2020 07:28

@Suzi888 £63k

Mittens030869 · 10/09/2020 07:30

I think the advice to go away for a few days and stay with a supportive friend who won't try to push you one way or the other in terms of what to do about your pregnancy. You should also access counselling to help you work out what the right decision is for you.

ThanksThanks

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 10/09/2020 07:35

You clearly want to keep the baby in ideal circumstances, that's not where you are, so the decision you make needs to be worst case scenario, do you still want a baby with nowhere to live as a single parent, if yes (and lots do) then it's the right choice for you,. It's unlikely your relationship will survive this, you've only been together a year you've never lived together and he doesn't want a child, there will be the odd fairy tale ending but there are many many single mothers, that is the more likely outcome.
I'm all honesty your relationship isn't likely to survive of you have a termination either, it's what he wants and you will likely resent him, but you will still be able to live with your parents while you find work

jacks11 · 10/09/2020 07:36

It’s your choice, nobody can tell you what is the right thing for you. I don’t agree that your boyfriend has no right to an opinion- I think it is important you know where he really stands so you make a decision with full knowledge of what you face- I.e. will he be an involved father or do nothing more than provide the minimum financial support he legally has to? Your mum is equally entitled to an opinion as to whether she can house you and a baby. Again, you need to know where you stand.

The decision, though, is ultimately yours. But with the right to decide comes the responsibility that comes with bringing a life into the world. You need to work out the practicalities of how you are going to make this work if you decide to go ahead. how you are going to support yourself and a baby when you have no job, little in the way of savings and would be unable to stay at home? Is that what you want for you and your child? All well and good saying “babies don’t take much when they are little”- but they aren’t little forever. Heart and head both need to come into consideration.

If you can make it work, then have your baby if you want to.

Suzi888 · 10/09/2020 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Showandtell1 · 10/09/2020 07:44

You will be eligible for social housing if you cannot return home from labour ward
You will be eligible for benefits as a single mum
You will be eligible for maintenance
Do not abort when you dont want to

Showandtell1 · 10/09/2020 07:47

Also that was my position when i had baby. Then i did a degree and another. I had funded childcare as a single mum and used it wisely
There is no reason the OP is condemning herself and her baby to 'grinding poverty'
(Sounds like a charles dickens saying) Hmm

Mittens030869 · 10/09/2020 07:48

I notice that adoption has been mentioned as a possible option. As an adoptive mum, I really don't think this isn't something that should be glibly advised to a vulnerable pregnant woman on an anonymous forum. It really should be a last resort where there are no other options.

My DH and I have 2 adopted DDs, with a vulnerable birth mum. Our DD1 (11) has adoption related attachment issues and SEN, and has so much anger inside her. Separation from the birth mum really damages babies even if the baby never has the opportunity to bond with her. It can really damage a baby.

I also have a DNephew (5) who is a relinquished baby and my DSis really worries about how this will impact him, the fact that his birth mum gave him up. (From what I know, she really didn't have a choice, she was a single mum with 3 children, one of whom had SEN. It wasn't a decision she made lightly.)

I also don't think this OP will be able to give up her baby, and if she does, I think it's likely to be a lot more damaging to her than having a termination.

Showandtell1 · 10/09/2020 07:50

@Mittens030869

I notice that adoption has been mentioned as a possible option. As an adoptive mum, I really don't think this isn't something that should be glibly advised to a vulnerable pregnant woman on an anonymous forum. It really should be a last resort where there are no other options.

My DH and I have 2 adopted DDs, with a vulnerable birth mum. Our DD1 (11) has adoption related attachment issues and SEN, and has so much anger inside her. Separation from the birth mum really damages babies even if the baby never has the opportunity to bond with her. It can really damage a baby.

I also have a DNephew (5) who is a relinquished baby and my DSis really worries about how this will impact him, the fact that his birth mum gave him up. (From what I know, she really didn't have a choice, she was a single mum with 3 children, one of whom had SEN. It wasn't a decision she made lightly.)

I also don't think this OP will be able to give up her baby, and if she does, I think it's likely to be a lot more damaging to her than having a termination.

I hate when people suggest adoption. It is not the OP's job to grow and birth a baby to make someone else a parent. Get real, how traumatic would that be?? Do you really think she can just give it away and go back home and save for a deposit?
KatherineofTarragon · 10/09/2020 08:00

@Suzi888 would love to stay and chat but i have to go work now.

You are the one hijacking this thread! Every suggestion you have given the OP involves someone else paying, her family by living in their home,UC and the state, her DP who is saving for a house and has a good job. Your only advice for the OP was to "register for UC now" and question what her DP did for work. Very inspiring for the OP.

Go away and leave me alone.