Everybody wants me to have an abortion

[IamConfused202]

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

Your relationship doesn't sound very committed. He's saving for his own place and you were saving to rent, so it's not surprising he's not keen on the idea of an unplanned child. How will you provide for the baby OP? Of course it's your decision ultimately, but you should assume you will have to find your own place to live. If you're expecting your parents to house and support you and the baby, and they have a house-full already by the sounds of it, then they absolutely have the right to an opinion. I had a termination in my early 20's as I was in a similar situation. I don't regret it as it was the right thing for me at the time. My relationship didn't survive however.

As many pp have said, this is your choice, no one else's. It does not matter what your boyfriend, parents, friends or us think. Your body, your choice, and whatever choice you make is entirely valid.

I would second the advice to talk this through with a trained professional and weigh up all your options. It's easy to say- you aren't in a position to have a baby, don't have one. It's easy to say- you can make it work, don't have an abortion. All of us who have been through one can recount our own experiences of unplanned pregnancies and the decisions we took- and if you think that is helpful I would be more than happy to do so- but our experiences are ours, not yours, so what we were and weren't able to do and access are pretty irrelevant to you.

One thing I would say is, remove your boyfriend, his wishes and any support he may or may not give, from the equation. Imagine that whatever you do, whichever choice you make, you do it alone and unsupported, because you cannot rely on there being any.

Suzi888
Go to the council and state you will be homeless and they’ll have to house you.

This is totally incorrect. OP, you are not homeless as you live with your parents and even if they evicted you, you are more likely to end up in one room in a refuge than be given a flat to rent. If you choose to leave your parent's home, the council won't have to help with longer-term housing because you've made yourself intentionally homeless (ie, because you left accommodation you could have stayed in).

All the reasons you have listed support having an abortion but the decision is yours. Ask yourself if this is how you envisaged having your first child.

I wish you the very best.

@IamConfused202 oh, what a horrible situation. All I can say is that you shouldn’t have an abortion if you’re not sure, nor because other people tell you to. Either option can be ok, and you should talk to an independent service or person. Might there be a helpline for something like Marie Stopes?

It all feels overwhelming now, so don’t decide without taking some time and really thinking what you feel is right.

Like other people who have posted, I was in a similar situation. Pregnant at 19, didn't know what to do. My boyfriend said he'd support me no matter what, but I knew he didn't really want to keep it - we were both at uni at the time, no money, no suitable accommodation or support.

I decided to terminate. I struggled for a while with some good old catholic guilt, but ultimately, it was what was best for both of us. A decade on, we're now married with DC. I don't regret it. The timing was terrible, and I wasn't ready.

This is only a decision you can make, and you need to think about what you really want. A note on the scan thing: when I had my termination, they didn't show me a scan, or a heartbeat, or anything. They deliberately kept the screen pointed away so I didn't see anything (obviously not wanting to cause any more grief/upset). If you go, you'll probably have to ask to see the scan - and that tells me that you're clearly leaning more towards one way than the other.

If you want the baby and know you will regret the abortion PLEASE don't have one.

The situation might not be ideal but if you want the baby you will find a way to work it out. Have the courage to follow your instincts on this one.

I wouldn't say other people aren't entitled to an opinion - your bf especially - but in the end it's what you want that matters most.

Try not to be sentiments about it, because actually there’s so much more than that to having kids. All the other stuff does matter, because the decision you make is for life. You can’t undo it. All hardships can be over come, but they are there. They are real, and they make your life, the life of your boyfriend and parents (and the potential child!) irrevocably different from what they were.

I did have a baby very young. I don’t regret him for a single second - but the consequences of me being young when I had him are forever. Those being tied to the unsuitable father, lower income at that time - which even though I have trained as a professional and I’m on a good trajectory, are lower at the stages when he needs them than they would have been if I was older.

There are benefits - never missed my youth because I never had it, being a younger mum then and now when he’s a teen has made for a close relationship, I understood the real world a lot better than my peers for a while!

But don’t make this decision as a sentimental one, because as I’ve said (ad nauseam) it is so much bigger than that.

@daisyphase

Do you have a view on how many children you want to have in your life? 2? 3? If you have this one now you will have one fewer in the next phase of your life. A phase when you are perhaps settled, employed, stable, etc. By having this child now, you'll have one less child in those better circumstances later. You'll be robbing that future child of that chance, and of you to be the mother to that future child.

Or she could wait till her life is in a place to support children and then have the exact number she wanted

IMO this is one time where this decision can’t be made based on emotions, you have to be realistic.

It’s all very well for people to say “you won’t regret it, you will manage,” but think about what that might look like.

A father who is not interested and does not pay support. Yes people say that he has to but we all know that in practice that’s not how it happens.

Parents who don’t want a baby moving into the house (and tbh I don’t blame them,) so living in a one bedroom flat at best and a room in a hostel at worst, and that’s assuming you can even get on the council housing list.

Spending the rest of your life on benefits. Yes, in an ideal world you would get another job, but in the current climate unemployment is at an all time high and it’s an employer’s market where they have hundreds and hundreds of applicants to choose from, there are no guarantees that you will be able to get a job, and once you’ve been out of the job market for a few months it will become harder and harder, not to mention the vast cost of childcare.

If you can foresee your life turning out like that and still feel you can fit a baby into all of that then go ahead.

But you have to be realistic.

As a rule I would never personally have an abortion. But in your circumstances I absolutely would.

This isn’t just a baby. It’s a child, a toddler, an older child, a teenager, and you’re bringing it into a life of poverty that there is no guarantee of leaving behind.

And as if by magic my sliding door @eniledam cross-posted with me, to show if you make the opposite decision to the one I did, everything can turn out just fine!

I imagine (could be wrong), if boyfriend is saving for house deposit, he is still living with his parents or in some sort of cheap house share.

Having read this thoroughly, I think it is quite good and gives a lot of perspective; however, the decision is ultimately up to the op :

www.brook.org.uk/your-life/abortion/

I would not go to the Life site because they are vehemently anti-abortion; I do respect them and certainly respected the MP, David Alton, many years ago when he resigned as an MP over abortion. However, from what I have heard and read, there really is not much help for mums who go ahead and have a baby, from the 'Pro-Life' organisations.

Good luck.

I feel for you, op, but being a single parent with no house is bloody hard.
I had a friend who did it, at a younger age.
Your partner will most likely resent it if you go ahead... hence single parent comment- just being realistic here.
This is why men really need to use condoms.
There are so many “ accidental “ pregnancies and the man has little or no say.
If you had a house, a willing partner, it would be different.
But if you can handle single parenthood go ahead.
At least it is early stages Whatever you decide.👍

I haven't read the full thread. But if you have so much doubt. Then pause and have a think about it. And before anyone jumps on me I am pro choice. But you don't sound like you want to. Stay safe and it's your body and your decision x

It is totally your decision to make, you will be the one who undergoes an abortion and you will be the one who has the baby and may well have to go it alone. No one else can, or should make this decision.As others have suggested, contact Marie Stopes or another similar organisation and discuss your options with a neutral, experienced counsellor.Good luck with whatever choice you make.

Spending the rest of your life on benefits

Bit harsh! I was a young single mum of 2 and I have a very good career. Got all my qualifications, degree, progressed at work etc after having them. Yes it takes more work but the OP wouldn’t be on the scrap heap because she had a baby! You make some valid points but have exaggerated them. My DC are adults now and there is not one day I regretted having them. I have a beautiful home and have travelled to lots of places. My DC had a very good childhood and didn’t go without. Sometimes having children is the motivator to make life better.

OP, do what you want to do. Don’t feel bad if you decide on abortion in the end, but equally don’t let yourself be pressured into it. You are the one who has to live with whatever you decide, not your parents or your boyfriend.

For everyone saying that babies don't take up much space, please think about how much space toddlers, then teenagers need

You sound as if you will be a lovely mother. There is nothing wrong with deciding that now is not the time.

It is your decision. Make it a good one.

Pro choice means you have the choice NOT to abort too.

It’s an incredibly difficult situation though.

In theory you could find work soon - is that likely? Are you applying for all you could do? and be able to manage or you could leave home and go the benefits route.

But as a single mum myself, dd is almost 20, I think given your boyfriends reaction you can’t rely on him for support and quite honestly I wouldn’t recommend depending on the Uk child maintenance system either as it’s pretty useless unfortunately

@workerbee80 have you experience with cms?

My dd was planned, I was married, working, he was working all good. But as you’ve learned life can turn on you.

I’ve been both a working single mum and unemployed on benefits (I’m disabled now wasn’t when I had dd) and while I’d never say I regret having dd, both were very hard going.

I didn’t have any other support either, my family are pretty useless and ex basically disappeared up his own arse

However its an incredibly personal decision.

I can’t have any more for medical reasons - potentially fatal for me - I’ve had 2 pregnancy scares since dd, one with ex/her dad, one with someone later. Both times I felt incredibly torn but I knew I’d really need to abort for medical and financial reasons (with 2nd one)

I would have liked to have seen a scan and by seeing a scan it could make the decision easier

That comment and the rest of that post strongly suggest you would be v unhappy to abort

You’re the one that will have to live with whatever decision you make for the rest of your life.

I know it’s rare these days but would adoption be a possibility?

Most employers won’t employ someone who is pregnant (even if they won’t say that reason) I think legally op doesn’t have to tell potential/new employers? But I accept that’s a tricky risk to take because the reality is they’ll be pissed off

Go to the council and state you will be homeless and they’ll have to house you. wow! That’s really NOT how it works suzi888 we have massive shortages of social and even private housing in this country, despite a recent court case stating it was discriminatory many private landlords won’t let to benefits claimants even if they’re working and social housing is like hens teeth! Took me 11 years to get mine.

Benefits aren’t as easy to claim as they once were either



@AlternativePerspective

IMO this is one time where this decision can’t be made based on emotions, you have to be realistic.

It’s all very well for people to say “you won’t regret it, you will manage,” but think about what that might look like.

A father who is not interested and does not pay support. Yes people say that he has to but we all know that in practice that’s not how it happens.

Parents who don’t want a baby moving into the house (and tbh I don’t blame them,) so living in a one bedroom flat at best and a room in a hostel at worst, and that’s assuming you can even get on the council housing list.

Spending the rest of your life on benefits. Yes, in an ideal world you would get another job, but in the current climate unemployment is at an all time high and it’s an employer’s market where they have hundreds and hundreds of applicants to choose from, there are no guarantees that you will be able to get a job, and once you’ve been out of the job market for a few months it will become harder and harder, not to mention the vast cost of childcare.

If you can foresee your life turning out like that and still feel you can fit a baby into all of that then go ahead.

But you have to be realistic.

As a rule I would never personally have an abortion. But in your circumstances I absolutely would.

This isn’t just a baby. It’s a child, a toddler, an older child, a teenager, and you’re bringing it into a life of poverty that there is no guarantee of leaving behind.

Very, very good post.

I have every sympathy for your situation OP but look at your whole situation and definitely include your feelings. Do not let anyone else influence you, this is your decision.

I had my now 12yo DD at 17 and I had nothing I lived on benefits until she went to nursery and it was difficult, really difficult. I missed out on so much and I had no one to help but I wouldn't change that decision.

Fast forward 11 years both myself and my now fiance of 4 years are in secure jobs, we live in a nice (small flat) however, we're not quite where we want to be financially and I fell pregnant... We both spoke a lot about having our own together. We had very long discussions about the ifs and buts of everything and we made the most difficult decision of having an abortion.

So really it's whats important to you right now, how will you manage? Think about everything!

Spending the rest of your life on benefits

Not allowed anymore. You're expected to prove you are seeking full time work when your child is 3 on UC or face sanctions. UC only pays out for 2 children unless your second pregnancy is a multiple one or you can prove you were raped so the days of living life on benefits are long gone.

I think this has to be your decision, my daughter is 28yrs old, still lives with us and has a 3mnth old baby with no partner. Its wonderful. You shouldn't let any of them push you into something you dont want, if you decide to abort against your instincts, you will regret it and it will live with you forever. Keep your baby if thats what you want, and tell them they can either support you or not, you can do this

if you decide to abort against your instincts, you will regret it and it will live with you forever.

I really don't think this is a particularly helpful contribution to the discussion.

@speakout

A friend of mine was in this situation years ago and aborted. She's now mid-40s and child-free. She thinks and talks about it all the time, says that she missed her chance.

THat is really unhelpful advice.

just to add in case you are worried in some small way this will be your only 'chance' (I was really worried it would somehow be my 'only chance!) I had an abortion and a few years later when we were ready went on to have 2 lovely children with the same man, and we are together in a nice house that we very well may not have afforded if we'd started a family years earlier.

My own opinion (and I am a guy in his fifties so may not fully understand your situation) is that if you are unsure and have doubts about the abortion then don't do it.

As others have said don't let others talk you into it - they wont have the regrets afterwards - at least not to the same extent as you.

Your friend is right. And it’s all very well saying that you clearly want to keep the baby - most people don’t generally want an abortion after all - but don’t let your heart make all the decisions for you. I agree with @AlternativePerspective.