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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everybody wants me to have an abortion

297 replies

IamConfused202 · 09/09/2020 13:44

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

OP posts:
IseeIsee · 09/09/2020 14:19

You come across as someone who doesn't want one. Do whatever YOU want to do.

Bluesheep8 · 09/09/2020 14:20

Your body, your decision and yours alone.
Tablets being sent in the post though? I find that very very strange.

Lilmissmissy · 09/09/2020 14:21

Do not listen to anyone but your self!
Your body and your life
I wish you all the best whatever you decide xxxxxxxx

JoanJosephJim · 09/09/2020 14:22

You need to look at this way, if you, and the emphasis is on you, decide to have an abortion then your situation pretty much stays the same, you will stay at your parents, hopefully get another job and continue to save.

If you choose to keep the baby, you need to find out now where you are going to live, how you are going to support yourself and the baby. Yes the father should pay toward his child, however, if you put his salary into the CMS calculator I think you see how little you will get if he isn't willing to pay more.

My best friend was with her partner 3 months when she found out she was pregnant. She did decide to terminate, they knew this was not the best time for them to have a baby. Fast forward 30 years, they are still together and went on to have 2 planned children.

Raising a child is hard, even harder if you don't have a willing partner living with you. You need to think about the fact that you could be doing this alone.

Smallsteps88 · 09/09/2020 14:22

It’s 100% your decision OP. Lets face it, you’re going to be the one shouldering most of the responsibility anyway.

One thing I would suggest is for you to have a wee daydream about how you would have imagined having your first child to be. There’s no doubt about it that there are easier circumstances in which to have and raise a baby and as someone who has raised them in less than ideal circumstances, I’d make different decisions if I could turn back the clock. I’d want to have a job, a secure home and a supportive willing and enthusiastic partner. Those are just my things, yours might be different. Having a baby is a huge thing and you deserve that to be a joyous, happy experience for you. Not clouded by stressing about money, lack of space and an unsupportive partner. I reckon there is a time in your life in the not too distant future where your circumstances will be much more favourable for becoming a mum. I think you’ll have a much better experience of it, and you deserve that. But again, it’s your decision. You have to do what’s right for you.

Suzi888 · 09/09/2020 14:23

Go to the council and state you will be homeless and they’ll have to house you.
It is your decision and no one else’s, do not be rushed.

Original poster
IamConfused202 · 09/09/2020 14:24

The tablets in the post is to do with covid to try and reduce risk; I suppose if I requested on the phone to come to clinic they would have allowed it as the option is there, especially if they think you are high-risk; but it's all a whirlwind and I haven't full processed it so I just didn't think to ask when on the phone. And I thought speaking to the nurse would help but I'm still so unsure.
How do people decide??
I live in the North West.

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 09/09/2020 14:25

You'll get financial support and theres all kinds of help to help you be a mum.

I think people need to be very aware that the 'all kinds of help to help you be a mum' is certainly different from how it used to be and vastly dependent on where you live. In some councils housing can be extremely hard to obtain at all if you are not in work and on UC (and it's all UC now); private landlords who will take such tenants are few and far between and probably the housing isn't in great shape and social housing may be entirely non-existent or involve long stays in B&Bs and temporary accommodation that are miles from where you may be now.

UC for those who are not in work is definitely not generous.

The welfare system is no longer doing its best to support lone parents who are not in work.

So I'd be looking hard at how you can support this child through work.

workhomesleeprepeat · 09/09/2020 14:26

It’s 100% your decision. Saying that it sounds like you could use some counselling on this. No doubt it would be a tough situation if you continued the pregnancy, but you should try to seek out a neutral space to explore your feelings - wishing you the best whatever you decide Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2020 14:26

Op have you asked him what happens if you don't good ahead with the abortion? Same to your parents? Are you sharing a room at your parents house?

I think your relationship is unlikely to survive an abortion you don't want pushed by you're bf. Parents it's probably easier to bury the anger, move out, make distance etc.

It is YOUR choice, and it cannot be undone.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 09/09/2020 14:28

@Suzi888

Go to the council and state you will be homeless and they’ll have to house you. It is your decision and no one else’s, do not be rushed.
They may not have to house her at all until the baby is here and even if they do, the housing is on their terms - it is not usual in some areas for that to involve living in converted offices or other such places that are far from safe, for however long it takes to get housed (and that housing may be in the form of a private let the council gets to take UC) and wherever they have available, which may be anywhere in the UK.

People need to be very aware that the days of 'rock up and say you're homeless and pregnant, get a house' are long, long gone in many areas.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 09/09/2020 14:28

You clearly want this baby op. Please don’t have an abortion if you don’t want to. You do need to review your circumstances ASAP though if you need to move from your parents. Would your bf stay with you if you told him you were keeping it?

puzzleboxes · 09/09/2020 14:29

I’m surprised they’re sending tablets through the post? I had a termination several years ago now but they were really strict with doing a scan to ensure my estimation was correct and I could be offered the right course of treatment.

OP are there any pregnancy advice services near you, we used to have a pregnancy advice charity centre in my town that offered counselling on pregnancy choices, as well as really good advice on financial help/housing/a baby equipment library and donated goods.

It’s your body and your choice so don’t make a decision to keep anyone else happy.

PatriciaPerch · 09/09/2020 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArabellaScott · 09/09/2020 14:30

How do people decide??

So many variables, OP. There's not really a right or a wrong answer on this that anyone else can give you. I'm sorry, I know that makes it hard, but it really is your decision and nobody elses.

There are both practical and emotional factors to consider, and both of these factors matter.

All the best, whatever you choose Flowers

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 09/09/2020 14:30

Ultimately it has to be your choice but... to me, there are many things to factor in when making that (incredibly hazard) decision.

Yes, there are practical factors like how to afford kids, where to live etc... but there are also emotional factors at play.

I think it’s fair your boyfriend tells you how he feels. You need to factor that into your decision - and by that I don’t mean simply do what he wants. But you do need to know if you’re going to be doing it alone or not, if he would willingly support you or if you’re going to battle over everything for the next 18 years. There’s no point in him pretending to be supportive of you keeping this baby if he doesn’t want to play a part. You’re better off knowing up front.

Same with your family - they know you and how you’ll cope, what your circumstances are etc... Are they likely to expect you to move out or will they help you (even if they don’t fully agree with your decision to keep the pregnancy). It would have a massive impact on them if you’re expecting to stay with them.

Ultimately you’re in a shitty situation with such a hard to choice to make, which potentially impacts on many people. Of course it’s your decision, and you e got lots of thinking to do, but in order to make that decision you need to know how your boyfriend (and in this case family) feel so you know if you’re up to whatever challenges you’re going to face here.

Good luck.

jessstan2 · 09/09/2020 14:30

It is entirely up to you but the reasons for not having a baby are quite strong. You have no job and no place of your own to live, there isn't room at your parents' house and they have made it clear a baby would not be welcome. Your boyfriend doesn't want it, not that it is up to him but it really isn't the right time.

I doubt you'd want to live in a tiny furnished flat with a baby; it would be expensive and demoralising apart from the fact that you aren't working right now anyway.

You will get over having an abortion, honestly, and the fact that your pregnancy is so early makes it less traumatic.. I'm glad you are going to change your contraception, that shows how sensible you are.

Have a new start and find another job. You're not doing badly with your savings and eventually will have a home of your own. Then it will be time to think about a baby.

Very best of luck.

RedHelenB · 09/09/2020 14:31

Now is not a good time for you to have a baby. But your body your choice.

Original poster
IamConfused202 · 09/09/2020 14:32

@puzzleboxes I think before covid it was very strict but if I heard the nurse correctly, the government has now allowed at home abortions to prevent risk

I think the housing situation scares me the most, I can't imagine finding a house so easily

OP posts:
Distressedchic · 09/09/2020 14:33

You will be the one carrying it, and will be doing the bringing up of he/she, so it is your decision to make.
If you feel you want the baby, have it, you can always get a new job, and the father will have to pay maintenance if he has a stable income and can’t wheedle his way out of it. If he didn’t want a baby he should have doubled up.

MistressMounthaven · 09/09/2020 14:33

How do you see life after you have the baby- if you decide to have it - life isn't transformed completely, you will still need a job and somewhere to live , childcare so you can work, you might be with bf but you might be alone with baby. Think things through for yourself without looking to others for guidance.

popsydoodle4444 · 09/09/2020 14:34

@IamConfused202

Reading between the lines of your posts on here's it's obvious you don't want an abortion however you're being pushed into it by other people who have their own selfish reasons for wanting you to do so and their not listening to what you want.

If you want this baby;have it.You have seven and a half months to get your shit together here;you'll find things will often work themselves out.

If you do decide that you want an abortion only do so because it's your choice not anyone else's.You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Smallsteps88 · 09/09/2020 14:34

@Suzi888

Go to the council and state you will be homeless and they’ll have to house you. It is your decision and no one else’s, do not be rushed.
For anyone considering having a baby based on getting council housing- our local council has reported a huge influx of applications in the last 6 months and haven’t got properties to house them in. The ban on evictions will end soon too (if not already?) and there will another huge surge in homelessness and council housing applicants.
movingonup20 · 09/09/2020 14:34

It's your decision, but also your responsibility then to raise the child if that's what you decide - are you ready to do it alone? Forget about the job situation, assume that temporary, but are you ready to dedicate your life to raising your child - some are at your age, others aren't. Then from a practical point of view, you can claim uc and have savings for a flat rental deposit but once you get a job, can you afford childcare? Child maintenance is often a pittance compared to the true cost. Emotional support from your family is also welcomed but mostly it's down to you - are you ready?

nicelyneurotic · 09/09/2020 14:35

A friend of mine was in this situation years ago and aborted. She's now mid-40s and child-free. She thinks and talks about it all the time, says that she missed her chance.

I'm sure there will be many more chances for you to have another baby, however I wanted to mention this as you may be feeling the effects of this decision for decades to come. especially if it's one you feel forced into.

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