Everybody wants me to have an abortion

[IamConfused202]

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

I know I'm just echoing everyone else here, but it's entirely your decision. Please don't let anyone else sway you. You will be doing the gestating, the birthing, and most of the parenting - it's YOUR baby and YOUR life. You don't sound like you want an abortion so you need to have a sit down and think about the practicalities of going ahead.

Babies really don't take up much space, not at first. You don't need half the stuff you think you will! But they are exhausting and you will need support around you. Having a less than willing partner might be very difficult.

I too was pressured to get an abortion (in very different circumstances however). I'm so glad I listened to my gut instinct and refused.

Of course it is your decision.

But this decision also affects and unborn child.

Think how (realistically) your life will be and the life of your child. Is this what you want for both of you? If you want to keep the child, you need to be making the decision with your eyes open, not just because you love the idea. Yes it will be tough (either way). Good luck.

IamConfused202 no one here has the right answer.

I would urge you to seek some emergency counselling, perhaps your GP can advise.
You need some support from someone who is impartial to help you come to a decision that is right for you.

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant in very complicated circumstances- I was in complete turmoil.

The main problem you have is your indecision and confusion, if you can find some clarity then the way forward will be much easier- whatever the outcome.

I was in a blind panic, whan I found out I was pregnant, but after just two or three counselling sessions the way forward became very clear.

You have time on your side, you have a good month to make your decision- either way.

Good luck.

A friend of mine was in this situation years ago and aborted. She's now mid-40s and child-free. She thinks and talks about it all the time, says that she missed her chance.

THat is really unhelpful advice.

Your life your choice, but I would say this: It isn’t now or never. If you choose not to have this baby now, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a baby further down the line when you have a home, a job and a committed father for your child.

Difficult. certainly your choice, but another thing to bear in mind is that once a baby is there, that decision is irreversible. An abortion is kind of irreversible too, but you could still have a baby in four years' time when you have a place of your own, job etc. It sounds as if your boyfriend will leave if you have the baby, too. not that that makes him a very responsible adult, but it's certainly something to bear in mind.

A friend was in the position recently. She was offered a counselling session by the clinic –could you ask the clinic or your GP if that's available? They talked things through with her which helped in her decision. It would help for you to discuss it with someone impartial.

You need to sit down with your parents and find out what they would and would not be willing to do to help you out. Will they ask you to move out? Are they willing to help with childcare? Finances? Because if you'll have to move and they say 'you're 100% on your own' you are facing a very different scenario to one in which you have a 'support system'.

You also have to assume that your bf will most likely drop off the face of the earth.

I agree that the decision is yours. But as much as the decision to become a parent is an emotional one, in your case you need to try and look at this 'dispassionately', at least as far as the practicalities go.

Your boyfriend has made his position clear so be aware that you're likely to be doing this on your own if you go ahead. But it remains your decision and yours only.

Entirely your choice OP. You have a lot of thinking to do.
I had an abortion at 26, my boyfriend and I stayed together, sorted careers & lives out and got pregnant again at 28, now we’re married with two beautiful children.
No regrets.

While it is your choice, I do think that your family and boyfriend are entitled to an opinion. Does he live with his parents too? I'm wondering why he is saving for a place of his own rather than the two of you planning to buy together. Does it mean the relationship isn't committed? I think I would be very wary of bringing a child into a relationship where the dad really isn't on board. The council may or may not house you - you could be in a B&B type situation. If your parents are not the type to throw you out, having a baby does have an impact on them too.
Consider whether you really could go it totally alone. Getting a job isn't impossible but it will be harder.
I think most people make an emotional decision but if I'm honest I don't think your life is in the right place to have a baby, even though it's clear that you really want to.

Please ring for some proper counselling. This needs to be your decision and one that you come to peace with. Nobody can or should tell you what to do.

I can only give you my personal story.

I had one because my boyfriend told me he'd leave me. I have regretted it in some form every single day. I had scans as I thought was miscarrying...and it made it worse. I saw a heartbeat and even now it hurts to think about.

On one hand, financially it was the right decision...and on good days I can see it was the 'right' choice in black and white. But when I tell you I cried for that missed opportunity last night, over 3 years on, it gives you an idea of how it has affected me.

You and only you can make this choice. Good luck and just know, you're not the only one out there who has been through this. Lots of love.

You said you would love to keep the baby, that's your decision right there.

Everything else can be sorted.

A friend of mine was in this situation years ago and aborted. She's now mid-40s and child-free. She thinks and talks about it all the time, says that she missed her chance.

Whereas I had two abortions - and the only residual emotion attached to them is relief - and have two children. And may yet have a third!

If you were able to organise somewhere to live would you go ahead op? The timing is not great at all, but you are not very young or vulnerable. Your boyfriend would have to step up financially at the very least, even if he does not think the time is right and is emotional.

I think some counselling would be ideal for you. Talk through your options with someone entirely neutral. What was your plan before this happened? Were you planning to save up and buy a house eventually together?

Being a parent is hard, being one with no house and no savings even harder still, but you can do it, if it is what you really want there is always a way. I wish you the best op.

@Suzi888

Go to the council and state you will be homeless and they’ll have to house you. It is your decision and no one else’s, do not be rushed.

That's simply not true.

If there's no housing available, how can they house her? The baby doesn't count as a dependent until it's born, anyway, and young single adults aren't high on the priority list for council housing anywhere. Yes, they may house her, but in all likelihood it will be in a B&B or in a hostel somewhere. Not exactly an ideal place to be pregnant or a new mum.

OP - at the end of the day, it's entirely your decision what you do. It sounds to me like you don't really want an abortion but you do need to think through the practicalities of being a single parent with no job or home of your own. Good luck with whatever you decide

I know keeping the baby might be nice but how are you going to pay for it? Are your parents and siblings going to want to live with a baby? Is your boyfriend going to want to stay with you or will this be make or break for him?

To add, if your bf is bring totally unsupportive, it would be better to end the relationship, even if you do decide not to go ahead with the Pg. You need someone who will have your back and even of he disagrees, would still support you.

Nobody has the right answer but don't let fear of having an abortion and regretting it stop you having one. You have plenty of time to raise a family when life is more settled and when you and your partner both want a child.

If you have an abortion, you have the rest of your life to look forward to. If you don't have the abortion and keep the child there is no going back - once you are past the point of no return, it's your responsibility.

Remember that delay will only make things worse - the later the abortion, the more difficult it can be. You've been fortunate to catch it early.

Only you can decide though.

Both Marie Stopes and BPAS have counselling services and advice lines nationwide. Sorry my phone won't do links today, but google them.

It's your decision and only your decision and it's tough. It's worth remembering that no-one wants an abortion but sometimes it's the best decision in the circumstances.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously OP explained that she was saving for a deposit before she became unemployed and has subsequently had to dip into her savings. If the boyfriend keeps saving, that's up to him.

I had an abortion in somewhat similar circumstances (was fairly ok financially but both of us felt we were not ready and not the best time in our careers). We both regretted it deeply. As anyone who has a child will tell you there is no "best" time.

What I can tell you from this experience is that if you won't be able to have good relationship with your boyfriend if you abort without being fully sure that it is a right decision yourself. He apparently has financial means to support you and the child but is pressuring you to abort. This abortion should also mean the end of this relationship. I suggest you make your boyfriend understand it without doubt.

After this if he still insists on abortion, it is your decision if you can raise the child on your own. I personally would not do it at your age, but peoples circumstances and views differ. I would have an abortion and go on to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

It is very likely that you will feel grief after you abort even if it is a right decision. This has partly biological reasons. Don't go for a scan, there is nothing to gain there.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I also think you need to think carefully about what kind of life you can offer your baby, are you prepared for the sacrifices ahead?
This is unlikely to be your one chance at parenthood, so just think carefully if you can manage alone for the next eighteen years.

You might regret a termination, or you might feel very relieved. It is always your choice.

Hi OP

Your boyfriend and mum have a right to an opinion since it would affect them, but this doesn't mean they can pressure you or tell you what to do. I'm not sure why your friend is getting involved unless you've been asking for opinions.

I think before you can decide finally you really need to weigh up what your life would look like as a single mum (I think your relationship is too new to count on especially if you haven't lived together). Speak to the council or any housing associations and charities about housing. Would you be happy to move to a flat in a different area etc? How much benefits would you be entitled to and do you think you could manage? How much support do you think youd get from friends, family etc - practical and otherwise. How much are nurseries or childminders in your area, how much maintenance would you be likely to receive (use CMS calculator) and could you afford to go back to work.

The good news is time is on your side- both in terms of your age and chances to have a baby later on and in terms of early stages of your pregnancy.

Some people do regret abortions but equally some people do regret having children before they had finished their career training / education etc and ending up a single parent in relative poverty until their children are older. It's so hard to weigh up the risks and benefits when you can't know how either option will pan out but all you can do is make an informed decision as you can