Everybody wants me to have an abortion

[IamConfused202]

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

I’ve had 2 abortions and a baby boy in later life. I don’t regret aborting the first two because on both occasions, several years apart, things were not going well in my life and I’d have struggled to cope on my own.

If you decide to go ahead and keep the baby, you need to be prepared to move out of your parents home and take full responsibility for looking after the baby. It really isn’t fair to burden your parents or your younger siblings with your child.

With respect to pp, your boyfriend and your parents who own the house you live in are very much entitled to an opinion, although the final choice of course lies with you.

Only you can decide what to do, but do consider the other people in your life and how much support you can expect from them.

@IamConfused202

Also please don't make this into a debate about why I live with parents. My plan was to move out once i had my deposit sorted. I had a bit more savings than the £2500 originally but due to being out of work for a couple of months, the savings have gone down just a little bit, It is a situation that suits us all but I know I can't have a baby in this house

Try to keep the £2500, use it for deposit for a rental and then claim benefits could be an option. Plenty do it. Does your boyfriend work ? If you do split because of this then he would need to pay child maintenance if he works. How old are you ? Ultimately this is your choice and no-one can force you to abort.

It’s ultimately your decision but I do think it sounds like now isn’t the time for you. If you’re in your parents home and they don’t have room for the baby/don’t want a baby under their roof then you need to either find somewhere else to live or accept that now isn’t the time.

A friend of mine was in this situation years ago and aborted. She's now mid-40s and child-free. She thinks and talks about it all the time, says that she missed her chance.

And maybe if she'd had the child she would be talking about it all the time and wishing that she had an abortion? Unfortunately there is no way of comparing different future events.

I too think it might be the end of the road if your boyfriend insists on an abortion despite having the means to support you and the baby. It is a very difficult position to be in, and I suspect he has not considered the true impact on you and has panicked. You might find he gets used to the idea once he has had the time to process it. You can not rely on him though - if you go ahead you have to be prepared to go it alone with or without him.

I suggest you put the tablets to one side, and do not take them. You need to be much clearer in your mind about the decision.

I know OP was saving too. I was just wondering whether they were viewing themselves as two individuals saving for two homes or as a couple saving for one. He has a job but doesn't seem to have offered her much assistance. In short, I was asking if this relationship has a future because that might affect her choice.

You need to sit down and think pragmatically about the possible outcomes here.

Seeing a scan will probably make you want to keep the pregnancy, that's why people campaign against making it mandatory, it's like emotional blackmail. It's interesting that you want to see it. Maybe you want to be able to say to people that once you saw the scan you knew you couldn't go through with an abortion?

Worst case scenario - you have the baby, your DM says you have to move out, your DP refuses to have anything to do with the baby. What do you do in that case? See if you can work out a plan for the worst case scenario that you could live with.

It’s your body so ultimately your choice but I wouldn’t have a baby in your circumstances
You have no home, no job, no money and an unsupportive partner.
How do you think this will work in practical terms?

I've had an abortion that I regretted and I've had one that made me relieved. The first one was at 18 and I was pressured by my family and the fact that the guy was being a bit of an arsehole. I got pregnant with my son not long after that because I regretted it so much and really wanted it, I was young and I had a very tough time because I was in an abusive relationship. I got an abortion few years after my son because I didn't want to go through that all again alone and I don't regret it. My sons going to be 9 soon I love him all the world and I'm finally in a very good situation and we have a good life ❤️ currently trying to get pregnant and its taking a long time, so the abortions come up in my mind because I feel guilt that maybe that's why it isn't happening...

My point here is, yes it could be hard but what isn't hard? You need to do what you need to do, if you feel like you will regret it chances are you will (from my experience) but then again you could go on to be relieved afterwards depending on your situation! There's so many ways that this can go that you really need to make the decision yourself because it's your life that will change either way. Good luck and sending you lots of love because it's a tough situation to be in!

P. S
Once my son was here my family forgot that they didn't want me pregnant and they bloody adore him and would do anything for him 😂

You sound like you want the baby. If that’s the case, have your baby. You can do this.

'Life' as linked to above is an anti-abortion organisation and will not offer impartial advice.

I had a similar experience to @TheFuckingDogs. Pregnant at 25 and my boyfriend leaning towards an abortion - although he would have supported any choice I made. We both lived at home and we were saving for a deposit. I was torn about what to do, right down to the wire, and could have gone either way, but ultimately had an abortion.

Said boyfriend is now my husband and we have a son and baby 2 due imminently. In a way, the abortion spurred us on to get our lives in order. We purchased a house a year later, furthered our careers, got married and then started our family. It’s not something I dwell on now. I think whichever decision I made would have worked out ok. I/we would have made it work. But I made a decision and went with it.

OP, I’m sure whichever way you decide to go it will be ok. An abortion is a legitimate decision and there is no shame in wanting to be in a better position before you have a baby. Equally, if you chose to continue the pregnancy, you will find a way to make it work. As already mentioned, there isn’t really a best time to have a child.

‘Go to the council and state you will be homeless and they’ll have to house you.’

Er, not so simple in practice.

A room in a hostel ‘somewhere’ is a likely first response.

The demand for council housing is so heavy that a mother & baby not at risk are not an automatic priority.

You know, there's another way of looking at the pregnancy.

If you are likely to be unemployed for a while, and you had planned to have a baby one day anyway, then having your child now saves doing it when you could be earning a decent salary.

I can see all the arguments about space and lack of support from parents or boyfriend, but that's a valid argument too.

Are you in London or somewhere there is less pressure on social housing?

If you really want to have your baby then do so. I lived in a tiny caravan with my first and now my daughter is 30 with her own children. It may be a difficult start but things will get better xx

I agree with others than counselling would be a good idea to help you sort out your feelings but I would say be very careful where you go for counselling. One of the organisations that has been mentioned definitely used to have an agenda, years ago now but I got pushed to have an abortion and they actually got very pushy and a bit unpleasant when I decided I definitely didn't want one. If anything their attitude pushed me the other way so it definitely wasn't a clever plan on their part. You need someone impartial who will listen to you. It is a hard decision and it is a shame that you seem to have so little support. I hope all goes as well as it can.

In the circumstances you describe, no, I wouldn't have a baby.

Life is going to be tough post covid, and we are not over it yet. Job market is going to be crap, benefits are not going to go up under the current government, charities will go under, support will be taken away. I wouldn't be looking to have a baby in a stable relationship and with a job, so definitely not in our circumstances

Oh bless you! In my experience, there is never a perfect time to have a baby. You are always going to have to compromise and make sacrifices.
Can you have a look what benefits you would be entitled to just to keep you going until you get a job?
Don't worry about lack of room. Baby would need to stay in with you for at least the first 6 months and many stay in for much longer. So long as they have a crib to sleep in, they are pretty happy wherever they are.
If you want to go ahead with the abortion then that is fine but make sure that YOU are 100% happy with the decision. Don't let anybody else's views cloud your judgement about your body and your baby.

It's your body and ultimately no-one can make the decision except you.

Your boyfriend is allowed to say he's unhappy about your pregnancy, but he should not be trying to force you into an abortion if that's not what you want. However, remember, if you go ahead with your pregnancy you will be tied to him one way or another for the next 18 years. Your home situation doesn't sound ideal. Will you be able to stay there if you have the baby? How will a baby impact on the other members of the household?

Your body your decision. Make sure you are fully informed and make the decision based on scenario which is initially you will be doing this alone and will probably need your LA to house you which will make you options where to live limited.

No point sugar coating it, if you have the baby it will be hard, but you won't be the first or last mum choosing to go ahead in those circumstances. You just need to decide what is more important to you then go ahead with your decision.

Another perspective. I was in a different situation to you when I got pregnant and I was confident I could take care of a baby but MY GOD nothing prepared me for taking care of a lunatic toddler - it nearly broke me! What helped is that I was in my 30s so all my friends had kids a similar age so we could moan to each other. If my friends had all been carefree and travelling and partying and advancing their careers I'd have felt much worse, whereas at least I had the comfort of knowing I'd spent a decade having the time of my life before settling down.
But it totally depends on your personality, aspirations and life goals. Will your partner and family support you practically and financially if you do have the baby?

If you had gone to an abortion clinic they do not show you the picture of the baby. I have been in this situation, I regret getting pregnant but I know ending it was the best situation. I acted very quickly.

Being a mum is incredibly tough, could you not move in with your boyfriend?

Do you have a view on how many children you want to have in your life? 2? 3? If you have this one now you will have one fewer in the next phase of your life. A phase when you are perhaps settled, employed, stable, etc. By having this child now, you'll have one less child in those better circumstances later. You'll be robbing that future child of that chance, and of you to be the mother to that future child.