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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't speak to me

219 replies

Bishpish · 07/09/2020 09:51

I don't know whether I am furious or upset. My husband won't speak to me because I took our children to school this morning. I was up at 5:30am preparing everything, he woke up at 8:10am and said he thought he was taking them as he has previously. I asked him to come with me but he didn't want to.

When I got back he was upset with me, saying he's taking them tomorrow. I said I wanted to take them but he 2as welcome to come along. Then he starts the dramatics saying that I'm stopping him from going to school, etc.

No, DH, you have done NOTHING to help me for 6 months now....you can't just cherry pick your favourite job and jump back up to help when it suits you.

I want to take them to school, he is more than welcome to come but he won't. He wants to take them on his own.

I am so upset, he probably won't speak to me for a week now or until I've told him I've changed my mind. Previously I would have just given in for a quiet life but I want to start doing what I want. Is that wrognof me?

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 07/09/2020 10:17

He's using emotional blackmail to get him own way - don't give in!

If he was that desperate to be a part of the school run, he would have come along too. If he feels he's lacking a 'thing' that he does with the kids that's just them, then he needs to think of something else. It's really not that hard.

Having an affair/crush with someone at the school gates?
I must say, I did wonder who it was he was so keen to see and why he didn't want to come along with you. Maybe not an affair as such maybe it is the fawning he was looking forward to, but suspicuous.

EatDessertFirst · 07/09/2020 10:18

XH used to do the same thing. Get up at 8.15 to walk the kids to school so he could be fawned over by the mums like some kind of hero. I was the one who was up from 6.30 getting them ready plus all the rest of the mental load and housework. We both worked full time and this was the only thing he'd do willingly.
Now, he's a disney dad who barely sees his DC.

Your DH oversized toddler needs an ultimatum. Parent or fuck off.

ColleagueFromMars · 07/09/2020 10:18

I find it really sad all the affair accusations... Maybe he just loves his children and actually wants to take them to school. Nothing weird

I haven't a clue if he's having an affair or not but if it's because of his love for his children I find it really sad that he doesn't also love his wife and family unit enough to want to do the school drop off together. Hmm

Seeingadistance · 07/09/2020 10:20

LTB for being a sulky, manipulative, useless arsehole. Life is too short for that shit.

jessstan2 · 07/09/2020 10:21

@seayork2020

This is a side issue but what on earth is happening in your place that means one adult needs to get up at 5.30?

Is it a self employed work thing?

I wondered that. No way would I be up at 5.30am, 7am is bad enough.
pointythings · 07/09/2020 10:21

If he wants to do the school run, he does all of it - including all the prep. Just like you do.

Useless little tosspot that he is.

creaturcomforts · 07/09/2020 10:23

My exh would also do this, let me do everything so he didn't have the worry about then turn up making it look like he was the brains behind it all. We were tenants and the landlord wanted to sell so I had 2 months to find something. I was working nights and looking at houses after no sleep, stressed and worried as I couldnt find anywhere. Not once did he help or show support, but told me he didn't like the house of found as it was too small and sulked at the viewing. When we signed for the house he completely took over and made out he was in control. This was the end of our marriage effectively as I felt controlled and used all the time yet he was the nice guy to everyone else. He's a Narcissist in my opinion op

DishingOutDone · 07/09/2020 10:23

My StbexH did that for years, he drive them but wouldn’t get them ready or do lunches and cause a massive fuss, ranting at them to hurry up then refused to carry anything to the car to help them. Also said it wasn’t his responsibility to remember things like PE kits. But he drove the car so he’s a fucking hero.

ErinBrockovich · 07/09/2020 10:23

Our school only allows one adult at drop off and pick up now.

The silent treatment is pathetic. Assuming the issue is that he‘s a lazy arse? Well if he’s going to act like a child treat him like one. Tell him once he pulls his weight in other areas then he gets to do the ‘fun’ jobs.

SavingShoes · 07/09/2020 10:26

Sounds very immature. Perhaps there's space for his sulky behaviour in the children's drama lessons at school.
Why not enquire? Adult male, behaving like a seven year old - do year 2 and year 3s do drama lessons? Have they room for a tall one?

HollowTalk · 07/09/2020 10:30

@Boom45

He wont talk to you? Urgh. And he wants to lie in bed until gone 8 while you run around getting the kids up, helping them wash and dress and give them breakfast. Then he wants to do the 1 parenting job that people outside the home see? So he can look like a "hands on dad"? Nope.
Exactly this. He's a lazy git who wants the 'glory' of taking the children to school so that everyone thinks he's a great dad.
Nanny0gg · 07/09/2020 10:31

@Pollypocket89

I find it really sad all the affair accusations... Maybe he just loves his children and actually wants to take them to school. Nothing weird
Then he can get up, give them breakfast and get them ready for school too.
dollypartonscoat · 07/09/2020 10:31

"OP why not let him take the kids on his own and you follow at a distance?"

Pmsl 🤣 🤣

Mind you, in a house where they get up at 5.30am and don't speak for a week over the school run this might happen

MulticolourMophead · 07/09/2020 10:33

@ColleagueFromMars

I find it really sad all the affair accusations... Maybe he just loves his children and actually wants to take them to school. Nothing weird

I haven't a clue if he's having an affair or not but if it's because of his love for his children I find it really sad that he doesn't also love his wife and family unit enough to want to do the school drop off together. Hmm

It's also sad that he doesn't actually show he cares for his DC by doing some of the stuff that OP does, eg lunches, getting them dressed, etc.

He's enjoying the school run because he hasn't done anything to contribute to getting the DC ready. And not going together with OP does suggests he's getting attention of some sort that he's enjoying, even if it is just fawning.

OP, ignore his stonewalling. Carry on as if he weren't there, and don't do anything for hijm. Let him do his own cooking, laundry, etc.

TheHappyHerbivore · 07/09/2020 10:34

*Maybe he just loves his children and actually wants to take them to school. Nothing weird

If it’s a question of him just loving his children wouldn’t he have been involved in parenting them over the last few months? Wouldn’t he have been the one to get up and help get them ready? Wouldn’t he have accompanied OP this morning instead of going into a huge sulk and giving her the silent treatment?

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 07/09/2020 10:34

Fucking hell, my lady garden would shrivel up and drop off at the thought of having sex with a man like that. I'm getting the ick just reading about him 😂😂😂 What an absolute melon.

mrpumblechook · 07/09/2020 10:38

The argument is pathetically childish. I can't believe anyone wants to do the school run in the first place. What happens on the school run to make it so much fun?

updownroundandround · 07/09/2020 10:40

@ Bishpish

Please read this link and all the replies, because it very relevant to your 'problem' of lack of respect and lack of communication.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4012665-To-End-Relationship-Because-Partner-Blocks-Me

All the advice given has been to leave the relationship as it's not mutually respectful or loving...........................and that's my advice to you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/09/2020 10:41

My XH was like this.

Does yours also only wash up when you have visitors, OP? He'd only do anything in the house when it was seen and praised. AND he'd stonewall me if I crossed him.

He's a big, fat, ex now.

FigDate · 07/09/2020 10:48

He sounds abusive. Read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.

Doliv63 · 07/09/2020 10:50

Crikey . I would have been thrilled if my husband had taken the children to school. The school gate shitshow was the worst part of being a primary school parent !!

CallmeAngelina · 07/09/2020 10:51

What the fuck have I just read?!
How old is he, for God's sake?

Thripp · 07/09/2020 11:02

@TempestHayes

Ignore him.

The best bit about someone not speaking to you is you don't have to deal with them anymore.

Get busy, do some things, pop some headphones in, crack on with some tasks, take your kids to school, pick them up. Ignore him entirely.

He can either join in with life or not, but don't give him the satisfaction of wanting him to join in.

This.
Pollypocket89 · 07/09/2020 11:04

I agree, he should prep too. But there's nothing odd about a dad who wants to take his children to school, he doesn't have to fancy someone there

Pp is right about only one parent to pick up or drop off for local schools here too at the moment

SpaceOP · 07/09/2020 11:08

@Isadora2007

I’m confused as to why anyone would fight over the school run!?!? But that aside I would be discussing with him that the school run includes getting the kids ready and preparing lunches etc. So he is more than welcome to do the lot starting tomorrow. But if he isn’t up and ready to get the kids stuff ready by 7/7.30 you will do it as usual. Sounds like there is a real need for you to sit down and talk adult to adult and see what’s going on in your relationship.
This. I mean, sure, he likes taking kids to school - me too, it's often my best chat time with them and I like being able to touch base with other parents. But I think DH would be pretty upset if he got up, got them dressed, breakfasted, hair and teeth brushed etc and then I waltzed downstairs at 8:25 to set off for school. Bloody hell.

Separately, someone who sulks and uses this to force your compliance/obedience is a complete dick.