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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Find a man without children is the holy grail.

326 replies

Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 10:58

One of my closest friends said to me this morning that finding a man without children in your 40s is like finding the holy grail of relationship goals.

I was telling her about little things that niggle me about DP (who is wonderful to be fair) and she said that I’m lucky I’ve found a man with no DC and that i need to make it work because I’ve found the holy grain Hmm

Is she right?

YANBU - finding a man with no DC is the holy grail.

YABU - who cares if he has children or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 10:59

I should add, her dating criteria is a man with no children (she doesn’t have them either) but she hasn’t been very lucky over the last few years.

OP posts:
letmethinkaboutitfornow · 05/09/2020 11:01

Absolutely!

BonfireStarter · 05/09/2020 11:02

I'm a single parent and I prefer dating men with children as we both understand that kids come first, relationship moves slowly etc. Ime men without kids in their 40s want to travel a lot, live with no ties etc which isn't really compatible if you have dc and a full time job Grin

Does she have kids? I can understand two childfree people preferring each other.

Original poster
Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 11:05

No, she doesn’t and she’s very firm that she won’t date anyone who has DC. She had w terrible experience in her 20s.

OP posts:
ChaChaCha2012 · 05/09/2020 11:09

A man without kids might be more convenient, but also he might have never grown up enough to be a father. Or he might want children but circumstances mean it's not happened, or he might be so caught up with work or hobbies that's he's not got time for children or a relationship.

You can't judge someone on such a narrow criteria, without understanding the reasons behind it.

GeorginaTheGiant · 05/09/2020 11:09

Tbh I would be more concerned about a man in his forties who had never had a long term relationship/marriage and possibly kids than one who had committed and it had gone wrong. Been there done that with the older eternal bachelor when I was in my mid twenties. Dumped him for being too immature and not up for a proper relationship...he’s now in his forties, very good looking, still single with no ‘baggage’. On paper he’s the holy grail for someone like your friend but there’s a reason he never committed and I wouldn’t like to try with him having had another 15 years of being single and pleasing himself! A man like that is highly likely to be a total nightmare to be in a relationship with.

NameChange84 · 05/09/2020 11:09

I think if you are single and have no children, it’s not unreasonable to want a similar match. Dealing with exes, long term being involved in residential childcare for children that aren’t yours, Christmas and other celebrations plans etc being affected...it all does have a big impact and isn’t something to be entered into lightly without a lot of consideration.

However, I’ve found from friends that when both parties have children, it can sometimes work out better if two single parents date. They seem to have better understanding of the responsibilities involved, it can often be arranged to have child free weekends and holidays together and in most cases, the children seem to get along well and enjoy the companionship.

I’m 36 and still hoping to marry and have biological children. A decent man who is of a similar age and also never married with no children is a bit of a holy grail to me, yes. As it just makes things far less complicated and it would be nice to experience all the firsts together. However, I’m not naive enough to think by my age it’s unlikely to meet someone in the same boat as me and I’m far more likely to meet divorced fathers. And, in the right circumstances, I’m ok with that - it’s just less than ideal.

Poptart4 · 05/09/2020 11:10

I completely understand why people without children would prefer to find a partner also without children. Being a step parent is no walk in the park plus theres the ex that will forever be in their lives. If your lucky he/she will be a perfect reasonable person. If not it's never ending drama.

But at a certain age you may have to be willing to compromise on this or stay single.. I would imagine the majority of people in their 40's have at least 1 child.

KeepSmiling89 · 05/09/2020 11:13

I found the holy grail then! Yay!
DH is 49, no children, we're married 3 years next month and currently expecting DC1. I'm 31 for info as well.

minipie · 05/09/2020 11:14

If I had no children I absolutely would prefer to find someone without children. Why would I want all the extra complications and compromises that come with children that aren’t mine and I wouldn’t (at least initially, perhaps not ever) love?

If I had children I would probably prefer someone who did have children... as long as they seemed like a good father and I liked their children. As I would worry someone without DC wouldn’t understand and also might want me to have a baby with them 😬

SerenDippitty · 05/09/2020 11:15

A man without kids might be more convenient, but also he might have never grown up enough to be a father.

What nonsense. There is no correlation between being a parent and being mature.

nearlynermal · 05/09/2020 11:16

Tbh I would be more concerned about a man in his forties who had never had a long term relationship/marriage and possibly kids than one who had committed and it had gone wrong.

^ agree. (Mind you, if they committed and divorced then there's probably a lot of pent up anger and 'triggers' to contend with....)

funinthesun19 · 05/09/2020 11:17

I have children but I wouldn’t go for a man with children. I know that would limit my choices a lot and it makes me sound like a huge hypocrite, but I’ve just spent the past 10 years being a stepmum and I’d be crazy to do it all again.
So yes, those men without children are the holy grail.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 05/09/2020 11:19

I think she has every right to want to date a man with no children. Its not simple and straightforward if you start a relationship older with someone with children (and I say this as someone who has done that although I was the one with the children and DP didn't have any).

It might well limit the options when you move through time purely because by 40 a lot of people have had them but I can understand why to be honest. I'd much rather people were open about it at the start than settle for a relationship with children and not do it properly.

There was another thread where I grant you the op was an arse but I was a bit horrified at the thought that anyone should see dating as a positive discrimination exercise (not suggesting you are saying that OP), I can honestly understand the impetus.

Plus I'm 41 and whilst I love my DC (always love them but after 6 months at home with them 24 /7 my God can I understand the downsides) I wouldn't choose to link with someone elses DC. If I feel like that then I would be incredibly unfair to risk it.

Tyersal · 05/09/2020 11:21

If me and OH split up I would rather be single than see another guy with kids

thepeopleversuswork · 05/09/2020 11:22

Swings and roundabouts. I think holy grail is overstating it a bit.

My boyfriend doesn’t have children (never wanted them), but is good with my DD and it works well.

There are obvious benefits: lack of baggage and availability etc but that can sometimes mean he finds it harder to get his head around things which can’t happen due to children and he can’t anticipate the sorts of things which I can; ie that a late night is likely to lead to bad temper etc

It relies on finding someone who is calm, empathetic and patient and has a certain emotional maturity. Men who have not had children may demonstrate less of those traits. Worth having in mind that not having had kids tends to delay the process of growing up. If you’re with someone who doesn’t have them you need to make sure they are ok with the idea that they will not be as in control of the way the relationship develops.

EgyptianMummy1 · 05/09/2020 11:23

We had the no single mums thread now the female version no single dads thread. Yawn

Venicelover · 05/09/2020 11:24

It is also true the other way round.

Single women in their 30's or older without children and/or relationship baggage are also the HG for single men.

RuffleCrow · 05/09/2020 11:25

I think I'd prefer a man with children at this stage.

SerenDippitty · 05/09/2020 11:25

Worth having in mind that not having had kids tends to delay the process of growing up.

More nonsense.

DoTheHotStuff · 05/09/2020 11:28

I agree with @SerenDippitty Half of my friends have kids and the other half don't. I would actually say my friends without kids are the more mature ones.

Monstermissy36 · 05/09/2020 11:31

I prefer to stay single but if I was dating I'd not be interested in a man with children unless they were adults. My own children are older and my days of entertaining small children are over! I've also never wanted to have a blended family or have a man move into my home with my kids.

I also understand that may mean I stay single forever and I'm happy with that.

Pelleas · 05/09/2020 11:39

'Holy Grail' is stretching it, but I've never considered a relationship with a man who had children (or wanted to have them).

Absolute nonsense to say such people 'haven't grown up'.

Taking a responsible decision and taking the necessary precautions not to have something you don't want is far more mature than sleepwalking into becoming a parent because it's what everyone else does, or blithely having unprotected sex and then, surprise surprise, the result is a pregnancy.

dottiedodah · 05/09/2020 11:40

I think to find someone in their 40s without children would be unusual to say the least!Also if you wanted DC would they want any in their 40s do you think? It all depends really,blended families can work with a lot of effort from all sides ,but sadly do not often work out .No guarantees sadly!

Proudboomer · 05/09/2020 11:42

A man without children is her holy grail but might not be everyone’s.

If I was in my 30’s to 40’s without children and looking to date then it would probably be my holy grail as well.