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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Find a man without children is the holy grail.

326 replies

Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 10:58

One of my closest friends said to me this morning that finding a man without children in your 40s is like finding the holy grail of relationship goals.

I was telling her about little things that niggle me about DP (who is wonderful to be fair) and she said that I’m lucky I’ve found a man with no DC and that i need to make it work because I’ve found the holy grain Hmm

Is she right?

YANBU - finding a man with no DC is the holy grail.

YABU - who cares if he has children or not.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 05/09/2020 13:00

Yep I'd agree with the op friend. A man in his 40s without kids is the holy grail if you are similar and don't want kids.
Of course such a man can date anyone he wants, from 20 onwards so maybe less likely to go for a woman the same age.
Doesn't mean you have to stay with a man you don't want. But the odds of finding a replacement could be low.

galgaf12 · 05/09/2020 13:17

As a general rule when single parents are looking for a partner men are looking for somebody to be a mother, women are looking for a pay cheque.

It's best to avoid people with children when dating.

Aisforharlot · 05/09/2020 13:19

Being a step parent can be really fucking horrible. If dp and I broke up no way would I choose a man with young children again.

dottiedodah · 05/09/2020 13:21

Dothehotstuff Yes I think you are probably right there!So much depends on whether OPs friend is wanting children or not .If not could be an ideal situation .If yes could be difficult as a man in his 40s with no prior DC may be in for a shock!

Sexnotgender · 05/09/2020 13:21

When I was dating (online) I did eventually filter to men without children. Despite me having a child myself. I didn’t particularly want to blend a family.

Fuckairbnb · 05/09/2020 13:22

I’m dating a man with kids. It works because I insist on being the priority.

SecretSpAD · 05/09/2020 13:25

Yep she's right. However in his 40's and dating it can become complicated if he wants kids and she doesn't; she wants kids and he doesn't; or she's already got kids and he doesn't want them.

Actually dating is complicated whatever your situation. I'd say at thst age get the difficult conversations over quickly before investing too much time in the relationship.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 05/09/2020 13:26

I think everyone is an individual and you can’t say “with kids” or “without kids” is better.

If I didn’t have kids myself I might prefer to date a man who didn’t, but that would be a personal preference not an objective “the holy grail”.

As it is, I have kids and not looking for anything serious, so for me potentially a man who has his own kids, and certainly one who doesn’t want more, would have the edge. But I wouldn’t be closed minded based on this criterion either way!

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 05/09/2020 13:27

I’m dating a man with kids. It works because I insist on being the priority.

This doesn’t sound good to me! I wouldn’t want to date a man who didn’t make his kids the priority, and would respect him at all.

ChaToilLeam · 05/09/2020 13:29

Never wanted kids, so would seek a man who feels the same way. I never had any desire to be a mother or stepmother. If he prioritises his children (as is right) then you’re way down the list; if he doesn’t prioritise his children then there’s something amiss with his character. So I stay clear.

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/09/2020 13:30

I get that she wants to date a man with no children although, as PP have said, I'd be a bit leery of a man in his forties with no children, no LTR in his past (eternal?).
People can and should date those who they feel they are most compatible with and, as she has no children herself and may want some, a childless man might be best.
I put YABU (she is!) because I don't feel ANY man should be referred as the 'holy grail.' I do hope your friend does not raise men on pedestals just because they are the, few and far between, childless sort.

OhCaptain · 05/09/2020 13:31

@Fuckairbnb

I’m dating a man with kids. It works because I insist on being the priority.
🤣🤣🤣
Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 05/09/2020 13:31

As a general rule when single parents are looking for a partner men are looking for somebody to be a mother, women are looking for a pay cheque.

^^
This is awful too! A pay cheque is the last thing I’m looking for in a man - I would never want to merge finances with someone again, as it was so awful disentangling them on divorce.

A lot of single dads might be looking for a mother to make their life easier but I still don’t think you can generalise.

OhCaptain · 05/09/2020 13:32

@Lifeisabeach09

I get that she wants to date a man with no children although, as PP have said, I'd be a bit leery of a man in his forties with no children, no LTR in his past (eternal?). People can and should date those who they feel they are most compatible with and, as she has no children herself and may want some, a childless man might be best. I put YABU (she is!) because I don't feel ANY man should be referred as the 'holy grail.' I do hope your friend does not raise men on pedestals just because they are the, few and far between, childless sort.
Why would no kids equate to no long term relationship? Confused
SecretSpAD · 05/09/2020 13:32

A man without kids might be more convenient, but also he might have never grown up enough to be a father

Oh god why do these attitudes still,exist? My husband was very mature when we met in our mid thirties. As was I. Neither of us wanted children. Nothing to do with maturity or lack of, just didn't want them.

WildRosie · 05/09/2020 13:33

I'm a man in his forties (just), single, no children, homeowner, employed, solvent. But I ain't beating single ladies away with a shitty stick. There must be more to the conundrum but if anyone thinks I'm some sort of find, who am I to argue?

SecretSpAD · 05/09/2020 13:34

Men who have not had children may demonstrate less of those traits. Worth having in mind that not having had kids tends to delay the process of growing up

FFS

99victoria · 05/09/2020 13:34

I got divorced at 47, 3 children, the youngest was 16. Both me and my ex have gone on to marry people who don't have children. My ex's new partner was younger than him so perhaps less surprising (not v young - 38).

I met and married a man of 50 who had never been married or had kids (never even lived with a partner although he had a previous long term relationship). I wasn't especially looking for someone without children, although I wouldn't have dated someone with young children who had to have them alternate weekends etc.

I wouldn't stay with a man just because he doesn't have children obviously but we have been married 9 years now and my children (and now grandchildren) definitely think he's the holy grail. They can't believe both their parents have remarried and they don't have any step-brothers or sisters and don't have to do the whole 'who do we see when' thing at christmas etc.

As an aside - my children always come before my husband. I told him that after we had our first few dates and he was cool about it. He jokes now that each time a grandchild is born he drops further down the list!

vanillandhoney · 05/09/2020 13:38

Worth having in mind that not having had kids tends to delay the process of growing up

What are you talking about?

I know plenty of "parents" who behave like stupid teenagers. You don't miraculously grow up the day you become a parent!

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 13:39

I'm the complete opposite. As a parent myself, if I become suddenly single I would only date men who had kids. Ive seen too many horror stories of abusive men targeting single mothers to trust a man unless he had kids of his own and understood that he comes second to my kids. He should get that if he has kids himself and it applies to me too.

A man with no kids probably wouldnt get that so much.

SecretSpAD · 05/09/2020 13:40

If he's never been ready to start a family with a partner ( in over 20 years !) by his 40's, then he never will be

Then if she's also not wanting children (being ready is bollocks - it's want them or not) then he's perfect for her isn't he.

SentientAndCognisant · 05/09/2020 13:42

You’ve only got to read mn to see being a father doesn’t = maturity or responsibility
Plenty feckless dads on mn.

vanillandhoney · 05/09/2020 13:45

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I'm the complete opposite. As a parent myself, if I become suddenly single I would only date men who had kids. Ive seen too many horror stories of abusive men targeting single mothers to trust a man unless he had kids of his own and understood that he comes second to my kids. He should get that if he has kids himself and it applies to me too.

A man with no kids probably wouldnt get that so much.

Men with children can be abusive too! What an odd generalisation to make.
AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 13:46

Men with children can be abusive too! What an odd generalisation to make

I dont see how its any "odder" than being desperate to date a man with no kids!

Thats my personal preference and it can be for any reasons I like! I have kids, I feel a partner should also have the same experience so he gets it.

Neversayn1 · 05/09/2020 13:47

Everyone has their preference and there’s nothing wrong with that. But as you get older the chances are someone will have children I understand this maybe is not someone’s first preference. I don’t think I would throw them away based on the fact that they have children it would depend on the ages and so on.

Lastly I also think it can be slightly alarming that a man in their 40s has no children at all (unless they just didn’t want them or couldn’t have them). Pros and cons to both

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