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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Find a man without children is the holy grail.

326 replies

Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 10:58

One of my closest friends said to me this morning that finding a man without children in your 40s is like finding the holy grail of relationship goals.

I was telling her about little things that niggle me about DP (who is wonderful to be fair) and she said that I’m lucky I’ve found a man with no DC and that i need to make it work because I’ve found the holy grain Hmm

Is she right?

YANBU - finding a man with no DC is the holy grail.

YABU - who cares if he has children or not.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 05/09/2020 13:50

Perhaps she is a fan of Indiana Jones and sees relationships like a cinematic challenge with adversaries, tanks and Nazis. Let's hope she remembers to duck and leap when required and doesn't cross the threshold with her DP when she finds him or else disaster may result.

fatgirlslimmer · 05/09/2020 13:53

@Fuckairbnb

I’m dating a man with kids. It works because I insist on being the priority.
Would anyone want a man who prioritised his girlfriend over his kids?
AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 13:55

Would anyone want a man who prioritised his girlfriend over his kids

I for sure would not. What a collossal turn off yuck

MilerVino · 05/09/2020 13:55

I’m dating a man with kids. It works because I insist on being the priority.

I'm late 40s and have no children. My OH is early 50s with one child. It works for us on both sides. He insists his DC is his priority and I love him for this. It shows me that he is caring, committed and a good father. If he prioritised me over his child I'd think he was nuts.

I like the fact he has DC. Yes, it has its challenges but the way he steps up also tells me a lot about him. I was also aware that a man without children might still want them and since I'm too old to have them, I didn't want to risk getting pushed aside if someone younger than me came along and he decided he's prefer her, and the chance to have a family.

For some people finding a 40-something man with no children might be the be all and end all, for me I'm glad I found someone I get on with so well, and he happens to have a child.

jessstan2 · 05/09/2020 13:56

I think it is easiest for two childless people to get together and if they are not too long in the tooth they can have a child of their own. If they are, that's life but they can have a really fulfilling relationship.

Such people do exist (I know a couple), so nobody has to give up hope.

Jaxhog · 05/09/2020 13:57

My DB says it's even harder to find women who don't have children! He has a son who lives with him full-time.

On the other hand, one of my best friends married recently (40s and 50s). Neither have children.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 05/09/2020 13:59

gosh,
would men say that about women?
Angry

Zilla1 · 05/09/2020 13:59

Am always astonished at women who want their DP to prioritise them over the children from a previous relationship then have children with him and expect him to not repeat the same dynamic. Contemptible IMO.

SionnachRua · 05/09/2020 13:59

I'd choose a man without kids over one with kids any day of the week. No interest in being a step parent.

No such thing as a holy grail man though, aside from Jason Momoa!

vanillandhoney · 05/09/2020 14:01

Thats my personal preference and it can be for any reasons I like! I have kids, I feel a partner should also have the same experience so he gets it.

I mean, of course you can date whoever you want - I'm not saying otherwise. To me, it's just a bit odd that you think men with children are less likely to be abusive than men without children.

theDudesmummy · 05/09/2020 14:03

I was the opposite, for me finding a man with children was my holy grail (although I did not fully realise it at the time I met him).

I was 40, no children, divorced. When I met DH his children (two girls) lived with their mother, but after a couple of years they came to live with us and I brought them up. I thought at the time I would not be able to have biological children (had had a series of miscarriages) and it seemed like a wonderful arrangement, I now had these wonderful daughters (they only went to their mother twice a year for holidays as she lives far away).

Although I did then go on, at 45, to have a baby, I am eternally grateful that I have "my" daughters (now adults at university).

newnamenora · 05/09/2020 14:12

I started dating again this year after separating a year ago at age 39. I assumed I'd meet a man with kids, but have actually started dating someone who has never been married and has no children. He has a very good job and a lot of free time to travel, whereas I am only available every other weekend, but it seems to work so far. Strangely, ExH left because he wanted a jet-set lifestyle - travelling the world at the drop of a hat, but has become involved with a single mum, whereas I have met someone who is offering me that kind of lifestyle and I am really enjoying myself!

LabradorGalore · 05/09/2020 14:13

Since when did child bearing equate to maturity? Yes it’s something that some adults choose to do but it’s absolutely not an indicator of maturity (unfortunately for some children).

I wouldn’t make any assumptions about a person who didn’t have any children. There are too many bloody variables for a start.

I can understand why a single woman would want to meet a single man - it makes sense that if you don’t want kids why would you purposely become entangled with someone who did have them.

For me personally it wouldn’t be the holy grail - but I have kids myself. But for some women I can see why it would be.

Floralbean · 05/09/2020 14:20

Personal preference really, I wouldn't choose to date someone with children just as I don't have an interest in being a step parent, by the same token I would fully understand if someone didn't want to be with me if I ever get divorced because I have a child.

wildcherries · 05/09/2020 14:21

A man without kids might be more convenient, but also he might have never grown up enough to be a father.

We just have to look at this forum to know men being fathers does not make them mature.

Your friend is right, OP, in my view.

Holothane · 05/09/2020 14:23

I’ve never had children so I was lucky with my second dh no kids,

DeeTractor · 05/09/2020 14:25

Nice to see all the usual shit about people without children being children themselves and will never be proper adults being trotted out, as though it takes any kind of maturity to get someone pregnant/ become pregnant. 🙄

wildcherries · 05/09/2020 14:27

@Tomatoesneedtoripen

gosh, would men say that about women? Angry
I wouldn't be at all surprised if some do.
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/09/2020 14:28

I get not wanting to be a step parent. My experience of blended families is that they don’t work for the children involved. Most of my adult friends would agree.

It wouldn’t be a red flag if a person didn’t have children for me. I’d likely view it as a red flag more if they did have children and the factors behind the relationship breaking down or being there in the first place even. Far better to not become a parent if you don’t want children or know you aren’t in the right relationship.

Pelleas · 05/09/2020 14:34

Lastly I also think it can be slightly alarming that a man in their 40s has no children at all (unless they just didn’t want them or couldn’t have them)

Eh? What on earth does that mean. Surely all childfree men fall into either 'just didn't want them' or 'couldn't have them'?

What's the 'alarming' alternative?

UnaCorda · 05/09/2020 14:34

I don't think the "holy grail" is as simple as finding a man who doesn't have children, but finding a man who doesn't have children, doesn't want children (so is looking for a younger woman) and doesn't have a reason for not having them (too scared of commitment) seems to be virtually impossible.

I've dated very few guys with children, but most of those men "without baggage" seem barely able to commit to the next date, never mind a relationship. Alternatively they don't have children because they're such needly, lost little boys who are pretty much looking for a mother themselves.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 14:35

No such thing as a holy grail man though, aside from Jason Momoa!

Not a truer word has ever been spoken! That man is most certainly the Holy Grail

sighs

Jagoda · 05/09/2020 14:38

I am in my fifties and there is no way I would get in a serious relationship with a man with children, even if they were grown up.

Ideally he would also be orphaned and have no siblings Smile

The idea of having to integrate with someone else's family sounds utterly tedious and I am so much happier single.

FenellaVelour · 05/09/2020 14:40

Some of the posts on here have me absolutely gobsmacked. Really, utterly bizarre.

Being childless being immature or a red flag.
Insisting on taking priority over a man’s children (any man who would agree to this is no prize at all)

Crikey. Really.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 05/09/2020 14:41

Before I had DC I didn't really kind but wouldn't have wanted to date a man with children (not really something I thought too much about as me and DP have been together 10 years)
Now I have DC, if dp and I split up I wouldn't date a man with children. My DS is my priority and I wouldn't be put into a situation where I would potentially have to prioritise someone else's child over him.