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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To only give my adult children significant financial help towards a house if they live where I say?

221 replies

Complex4 · 05/09/2020 07:01

This is not my view but that of someone close to me. They are retired and would like their children and grandchildren living close to them. They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance. If the poll can be answered as if this was my view please.

YABU = You are being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

OP posts:
SuperCaliFragalistic · 05/09/2020 07:07

They are entitled to do what they like with their money. However I presume that they are this controlling in other aspects of their childrens lives and they will soon find that using this type of conditional support leaves them quite estranged from their family in the long run.

cptartapp · 05/09/2020 07:07

Appalling, manipulative and controlling.
PIL gave SIL £10k, surprise surprise she was moving next door, DH an hour away got nothing.
Says a lot about them as people. The underlying resentment and sense of unfairness has never gone away. They've basically lined her up to be their runaround in old age and she's so beholden. I'd want what opportunities are best for my DC and their families in their prime, not what's best for me.

BillywilliamV · 05/09/2020 07:09

Well, their DC don’t have to take the money,
I would start planning the perfect murder in this situation!

Camomila · 05/09/2020 07:10

PILs are a bit like this...they have money, and they'd give it to us but 'with strings', as a result they don't really get told much/only after big decisions are made.

My parents on the other hand give advice when asked for it but are otherwise neutral, that means we are actually a lot more likely to listen to them!

FippertyGibbett · 05/09/2020 07:12

YABU and controlling.
I’d do without the money.

Porridgeoat · 05/09/2020 07:14

Awful manipulative behaviour. It could drive a wedge between him and kids wether they live close or not.

lyralalala · 05/09/2020 07:20

Gifting with massive strings isn't really gifting at all.

TwilightPeace · 05/09/2020 07:20

Controlling behaviour!
I’ll help you but only if you do exactly as I want, and I benefit from it.
Hate people like that.....
No wonder they have to pay their family to be near them!

lyralalala · 05/09/2020 07:21

The only time this would be even remotely acceptable would be if a house closer cost ££ extra and the adult child wanted to live there, but couldn't afford it so the parent offered the ££.

Zampa · 05/09/2020 07:21

What's to stop the children taking the money to buy a house locally and then selling up and moving?

ColleagueFromMars · 05/09/2020 07:24

If I was on the receiving end of that I'd be very tempted to buy whatever for me the most money then move at my earliest convenience.

LolaSmiles · 05/09/2020 07:25

Help with strings attached usually comes with hidden agendas.

It sounds like the hidden agenda here is they'll offer financial help now in order to have a child feel beholden to them and obliged to do a lot of the caring duties when the parents get elderly.

KihoBebiluPute · 05/09/2020 07:26

I haven't voted at the time of writing this but my view is:

it is perfectly reasonable for anyone to spend and distribute their own money as they wish. so on that principle I should vote Yanbu.

however (a) it is unreasonable to try to control the major life decisions of adult children by any means, including financial pressures and (b) you cannot buy love. if her adult children find that they don't want to see that much of their old mum then she has made her own bed.

if ones child grows up and then pursues a career that takes them to the other side of the world that is certainly distressing but our job as parents is to first give them roots to nurture them and next give them wings so they can fly. chaining them to the nest isn't good parenting.

and however much the adult children in question may love and want to see their mum, they will have other things to balance- their own career, the family and career of their life partner, and the education of their children. these priorities may make a different place to settle a more sensible decision.

given the scale of the resources that your acquaintance appears to have, a better plan would be to give each child a fixed sum equal to c. 10% of the cost of a family home in their vicinity, with no strings attached, and reserve the rest of their funds towards buying additional properties (maybe just small one bedroom flats) in the vicinity of the homes of any of their children who choose to live too far from her main home to visit regularly. she can then divide her time between these properties spending plenty of time and effort seeing her extended family wherever it makes most sense for them to live, for as long as her health allows.

she could sign up each property to an airbnb agency which will tidy, clean and arrange the letting-out of each property when she isn't using it, if she would like an additional income stream.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2020 07:27

I think this is fine because it is entirely the children's choice if they accept the terms. It's not compulsory.

merrymouse · 05/09/2020 07:28

What's to stop the children taking the money to buy a house locally and then selling up and moving?

Exactly (although taking into account stamp duty and other fees, they would only benefit if house price low/contribution large)

PlateTectonics · 05/09/2020 07:28

I think it depends on how close they have to be to be defined as close.

Within a 5 minute drive - YABU
Within a 1 hour drive - YANBU (a little bit controlling but still gives descendants plenty of choice on where to live if they accept the money)

Whoopsmahoot · 05/09/2020 07:29

Wow, no I wouldn’t accept the money. Definitely comes with strings attached no matter where you live.

romeolovedjulliet · 05/09/2020 07:29

@Zampa

What's to stop the children taking the money to buy a house locally and then selling up and moving?
this. just because someone is 'forced' to live near by doesn't ensure help in old age. gifters like this are selfish it's about control. my 6 adult dc are fortunate in the respect i've told them i don't want them to be my carers, i'd sooner bounce myself off the mortal coil while i've the mental and physical means to do so. selfish of me but the dc have to accept that fact, it's my choice.
ifchocolatewerecelery · 05/09/2020 07:29

There are other issues to consider too in terms of inheritance and care planning as accepting the money could have result in unexpected financial liabilities.

CheerioGoodbye · 05/09/2020 07:32

That isn't a gift, it's a business transaction. They are buying something for their money.

If it's presented as a gift then it's unreasonable.

But short sighted though. What's to stop people from buying a house with the help then selling up and moving in a few years!

SoloMummy · 05/09/2020 07:32

@Camomila

PILs are a bit like this...they have money, and they'd give it to us but 'with strings', as a result they don't really get told much/only after big decisions are made.

My parents on the other hand give advice when asked for it but are otherwise neutral, that means we are actually a lot more likely to listen to them!

Interesting that it's always the inlaws who are imperfect. Could not just be your bias and interpretation?
Friendsoftheearth · 05/09/2020 07:33

A gift with such conditions is not really a gift at all. It is blackmail.

BrummyMum1 · 05/09/2020 07:34

Is a condition to move nearby and stay nearby? Or could I take the money, buy the house then rent it out and live where I wanted? (Wondering if the children are allowed to be as manipulative as the mother in this scenario.)

lottiegarbanzo · 05/09/2020 07:34

Well, they can do what they like with their money but this is an example of someone trying to exert superficial control because they have no deeper confidence in their relationship (and most likely no insight into how to achieve good relationships, or possibly, what one looks like).

MiddleClassProblem · 05/09/2020 07:36

It’s shitty and controlling but if it’s that persons money they can put whatever parameters they like on it. That ability and proviso doesn’t stop them being a twat.

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