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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only give my adult children significant financial help towards a house if they live where I say?

221 replies

Complex4 · 05/09/2020 07:01

This is not my view but that of someone close to me. They are retired and would like their children and grandchildren living close to them. They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance. If the poll can be answered as if this was my view please.

YABU = You are being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/09/2020 07:38

Well, I’d be willing to bet you already know it’s unreasonable, OP. But as no one is entitled to anyone else’s money, it’s not unfair - if someone doesn’t like the terms of the offer, they are at complete liberty not to take the deal. So no one is being coerced.

FewerCivilRights · 05/09/2020 07:42

It’s bloody weird and controlling. You already know that though yes?!

RemyHadley · 05/09/2020 07:43

I don’t actually have a problem with it tbh.

It’s her money.

She could offer to spend it on lovely family holidays for them all and get to spend time with her family that way.

Instead she’s offering to spend it on them being able to move closer to her so that everybody can see more of each other.

Doesn’t have to come with strings attached.

We’ve offered to help one sibling if they want to move closer to us - they can’t afford our area, we’d love to see more of them plus our nieces, and we can afford to either help out with a house or to take them all on big holidays, we can’t do both. My preference would be they live near us so we see them more.

I don’t think that’s controlling tbh. It’s my money. It benefits me if they choose to move closer as I’d see them more - it doesn’t come with any strings attached like expecting them to look after me. I’ve said we could help out if they decide to move closer and now ball’s in their court.

So I guess it depends on the wider family dynamics and whether in practice your friend is going to make demands /have expectations of help or gratitude forever.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/09/2020 07:43

They can do what they want with their money but I imagine the sort of person that would do this would be very parasitic and you'd be better off living a distance away.

pushananas · 05/09/2020 07:45

We had this situation. At least we had a house though

Florencex · 05/09/2020 07:48

I think it is horrible and controlling but I voted YANBU because it is their money and it can be turned down if the condition is not acceptable.

romeolovedjulliet · 05/09/2020 07:50

if they can afford all this money for helping to buy property, what happens if they aren't taken upon the offers or it doesn't workout how they hoped, i.e family do not visit that much ?
i can see an inheritance fall out post on here at a later date, jane, peter and john got £each db and i got £ --

FlapsInTheWind · 05/09/2020 07:50

The DC should accept this on face value, let the transaction complete in their own name and then let the property and use the income from it to pay the mortgage on a house in their chosen location Australia

7yo7yo · 05/09/2020 07:52

I voted YANBU as it’s their decision whether they accept the money with the conditions or choose not to have the money.
The givers are being very clear that their gift comes with conditions and what those conditions are.

ClickandForget · 05/09/2020 07:54

A gift with such conditions is not really a gift at all. It is blackmail
Well it's not really is it?
Blackmail is demanding money from someone, not gifting it with conditions.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2020 07:56

To use their money to buy and then sell and move, which many people are suggesting, would be an awful thing to do. If you don't want to live near them, don't accept their money.

FirstOfficerDouglas · 05/09/2020 07:57

Put it the other way round. "Mum, I'd love to live near you but can't afford to" - OK I'll give you £xx to make up the difference so that you can move here to this nice area near me. It is about how it is presented. Has the decision already been made to make the move and the money is a help or is it a bribe?

Context is all. (And like it or not we all finance our children to do things we approve of)

I'll pay £10k towards your wedding. (Thank you, how lovely !!!)

I'll pay you £10k if you have a big white wedding like I want.

If you get married I'll pay you £10k towards the wedding - but not if you don't. (Bribe?)
(And for the kid who doesn't get married - no cash at all).

eaglejulesk · 05/09/2020 07:58

It's their money - they can apply conditions if they so wish, but they shouldn't be too surprised if the offer is rejected.

LadyFrumpington · 05/09/2020 07:58

@Zampa

What's to stop the children taking the money to buy a house locally and then selling up and moving?
This was my first thought.

You can put conditions on it but for the most part you just are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment woth all the conditions and expectations.

QuestionMarkNow · 05/09/2020 07:59

YABU

But worse than that, if someone was putting conditions to giving money to buy a house in the ‘right spot’ I would

  • feel they are trying to buy me. That would be the best way to make reconsider my relationship with them
  • ensure that I am buying a house too far away from them to recycle any opportunity to just ‘drop at the house’, come every week and demand more and more of our time just because THEY want to see the dcs/dgc.

It’s a recipe for disaster.

Whitney168 · 05/09/2020 07:59

I think they are perfectly reasonable to place conditions on paying out a significant amount of their own money. Entirely up to the prospective recipients to work out if that arrangement suits them and whether they think such control would extend in other ways to making their lives difficult.

ClickandForget · 05/09/2020 07:59

To use their money to buy and then sell and move, which many people are suggesting, would be an awful thing to do. If you don't want to live near them, don't accept their money
My thoughts exactly.

Mindymomo · 05/09/2020 07:59

We have friends that paid for all 3 childs first homes which were all local. All 3 have moved since and only 1 is still 20 minutes away. The others are 6 hours away and 2 hours away.

cbt944 · 05/09/2020 08:00

Well it's not really is it?
Blackmail is demanding money from someone, not gifting it with conditions.

It's emotional blackmail. It stinks of the old FOG of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It's not a pleasant 'gift'.

Suzi888 · 05/09/2020 08:01

I’m a tiny bit on the fence. A work colleagues mum has offered to buy a house for her but she has to live in a certain area, ie only a few roads to choose from.
We only live in a small town as it is, so it’s absurd.
I can understand a parent wanting there child to live close to them though, the same town or perhaps the next town over.
It’s their money and they can choose to do what they like with it.
Also this:-
“Put it the other way round. "Mum, I'd love to live near you but can't afford to" - OK I'll give you £xx to make up the difference so that you can move here to this nice area near me. It is about how it is presented.“

Billben · 05/09/2020 08:05

That would be a no from me, thank you. If my parents or in laws wanted to put restrictions on me like this, I’d be making sure that they see my DC even less than they already have been.

FirstOfficerDouglas · 05/09/2020 08:05

My DD wants to buy a house 400 miles away where she has just got a brillilant new job. I say "Here is £10k"

My DS has no job and spends any money he has on gaming and alcohol. He asks for £10k - "because otherwise it is not fair". I refuse.

Am I controlling because I finance the choice I approve of and that suits me, and not the choice I don't approve of?

The word "controlling" is overused.

In this case what is the other option for the couple? A house further away that suits no-one or no house?

bumblingbovine49 · 05/09/2020 08:05

I think this is fine as long as the conditions are clear up front. I'm not sure how different it is to paying people to help you . People are free to eefuse.

What I would find much is afterwards constantly refering to it and introducing new expectations that had not been agreed

I have no problem with an open and honest financial offer that benefits both parties in some way . It isn't a gift and as such there is not need to be ' fair' and offer everyone the same.

If I were one of the children in the op, and I was considering taking the money , I'd make it clear that it was not ' permanent' and that if I had a good reason ( job, school , opportunity even on a whim) I might still move in the future. The money bought me living close until it suited me otherwise. If that was not ok, then not to give me the money. Also I'd point out ( as kindly as possible) that whilst I'd be happy to visit and be around for them, the buying of the house for me would not make me feel any more obliged to help than I did already, though it might make it easier to me to act on that desire if I lived nearby

larrygrylls · 05/09/2020 08:06

It is their money to do what they like with.

I am amazed that the poll has gone the way it has. It is not controlling unless the adult children accept the money.

It is a bit weird but, if you give money away, you get to choose what it is spent on. No obligation to accept money.

rc22 · 05/09/2020 08:07

They're not being unreasonable but the children wouldn't be unreasonable to turn the offer down.