To only give my adult children significant financial help towards a house if they live where I say?

[Complex4]

This is not my view but that of someone close to me. They are retired and would like their children and grandchildren living close to them. They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance. If the poll can be answered as if this was my view please.

YABU = You are being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

@RemyHadley

I don’t actually have a problem with it tbh.

It’s her money.

She could offer to spend it on lovely family holidays for them all and get to spend time with her family that way.

Instead she’s offering to spend it on them being able to move closer to her so that everybody can see more of each other.

Doesn’t have to come with strings attached.

We’ve offered to help one sibling if they want to move closer to us - they can’t afford our area, we’d love to see more of them plus our nieces, and we can afford to either help out with a house or to take them all on big holidays, we can’t do both. My preference would be they live near us so we see them more.

I don’t think that’s controlling tbh. It’s my money. It benefits me if they choose to move closer as I’d see them more - it doesn’t come with any strings attached like expecting them to look after me. I’ve said we could help out if they decide to move closer and now ball’s in their court.

So I guess it depends on the wider family dynamics and whether in practice your friend is going to make demands /have expectations of help or gratitude forever.

This is how I see it.

It's not a sentimental gift, it's a practical business transaction.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

But, however tough things are, as an adult you cannot demand cash from your parents

Ok, firstly, who here is "demanding" money? I havent seen OP say anywhere that anyone is "owed" money- could you link to someone saying they demand money from their parents please...

Secondly, you absolutely can slag people off for having dysfunctional and manipulative conditions because its deeply unhealthy and can cause all kinds of resentments and relationship issues further down the line. Part of being a parent is accepting that your children will grow up to have their own lives and will make their own choices. Offering "help" only when it aligns with your view of how they should be living their life is not only controlling but it also shows a deep lack of care and actual love for the person because you are putting your own interests before theirs. Thats not really what love is.

I don't think it's all that sinister.

"Hey there's a bungalow down the road for sale; if you kids want to live there I'll finance it. Be great to have you nearby."

Kids can either say thanks or no thanks, not "Actually we prefer Devon; can we still have some cash?"

I don't think it's all that sinister

At first glance, maybe not. What happens if an amazing job comes up that requires moving?- will they demand the money back? will they try to block a potential sale?

When your actions have strings attached, its always wise to consider the future ramifications otherwise you might find those strings end up suffocating you.

'It’s not a gift is it, it’s a bribe and manipulative. As for people saying it’s a win win, well it’s not really, it’s taking advantage of being in a position of power (by having a large amount of money someone else needs) to manipulate someone into doing something that benefits you. She knows they need the money so they can get on the property ladder and she’s taking advantage of that to get them to live closer to her when she knows they don’t want to.'

Why are adults so keen to infantilise themselves and make themselves into perceived victims?

Where is the 'power'? The adult children are not on the breadline and desperate for money to survive. Getting on the 'property ladder' is not a need, it is a want. You can either buy something smaller or work really hard and save up.

No one is taking advantage of anyone. As I said upthread, the ADULT children are perfectly within their rights to politely decline the offer.

'Would you like to come on a 5 star all expenses holiday to Antigua with us?'

' You fucking controlling bastard! You know I hate Antigua and would not want to come on holiday with you anyway. Just give us 10k to go on holiday by ourselves to the place of our choosing....'

Well, at least they're clear about wanting to control their childens families. If it were my inlaws I'd see it as a massive red flag and buy ever further away to create more distance from their craziness. Their children are warned now.

Well, at least they're clear about wanting to control their childens families. If it were my inlaws I'd see it as a massive red flag and buy ever further away to create more distance from their craziness. Their children are warned now

This is very true!

Totally reasonable for them to offer and for their children to decide whether or not that suits them. Otherwise, they can focus on buying a house independently like many others do. I would be extremely reluctant to accept financial assistance like this for exactly those sort of strings.

Take the money buy close then after a few months sell !!!! But i am quite evil

Of course, it's controlling and manipulative. But it's their money!

It's also no guarantee of visits, a welcome, or a permanent situation.

YABU to the point where if my parents had said that, I would have declined and probably moved even further away than I did.

@Thesuzle

Take the money buy close then after a few months sell !!!! But i am quite evil

Oh bugger, I didn't think of that 🤦‍♀️

Where is the 'power'? The adult children are not on the breadline and desperate for money to survive. Getting on the 'property ladder' is not a need, it is a want. You can either buy something smaller or work really hard and save up.

No one is taking advantage of anyone. As I said upthread, the ADULT children are perfectly within their rights to politely decline the offer.

The power is that they have a large amount of money they know their child needs to get on the property ladder and they’re attempting to use that to manipulate them into living somewhere they don’t want to live.

I really question someone’s morals when they think using money to manipulate people into doing things they don’t want to do is acceptable because “they can always says no”. Where do you draw the line with that?

Any sensible child/grandkid would accept the gift and put the house up for sale 6 months later

I don’t think it's a good idea to do it, but the children can always say no.

I'd advise them to make that offer. It will tell their children exactly what their parents are like, if they had any doubts, which I suspect they won't.

Bugger. Just voted YANBU by mistake. Obviously, is utterly, utterly YABU. Dreadful emotional blackmail. Shame.

If they say no thanks they may get accused of not caring. If they say yes they will potentially feel beholden. Is it an area they want to live in?

Just adding that living close by is no guarantee whatsoever of support. Chances are their children will take the money and never visit anyway.

Lottie, I think your spot on there.

It is controlling and manipulation no matter how it is dressed but their money so the people concerned can say no but i would not really have much to do with the person that did that, not because of the money but the game playing

@longwayoff you can change your vote by just clicking on the other option

O thank you, @ChangeThePassword, that's useful to know.

*This thread is a fascinating sociological snapshot of millennials.

Previous generations just would not expect anything from parents and any offer would have been either jumped on or graciously declined.

There seems to be an expectation, running through this thread, that adult children can expect parental financial support until they are settled with children, and sometimes beyond*

This, in even more spades.

@ClickandForget

*This thread is a fascinating sociological snapshot of millennials.

Previous generations just would not expect anything from parents and any offer would have been either jumped on or graciously declined.

There seems to be an expectation, running through this thread, that adult children can expect parental financial support until they are settled with children, and sometimes beyond*

This, in even more spades.

So much this.

@larrygrylls

'It’s not a gift is it, it’s a bribe and manipulative. As for people saying it’s a win win, well it’s not really, it’s taking advantage of being in a position of power (by having a large amount of money someone else needs) to manipulate someone into doing something that benefits you. She knows they need the money so they can get on the property ladder and she’s taking advantage of that to get them to live closer to her when she knows they don’t want to.'

Why are adults so keen to infantilise themselves and make themselves into perceived victims?

Where is the 'power'? The adult children are not on the breadline and desperate for money to survive. Getting on the 'property ladder' is not a need, it is a want. You can either buy something smaller or work really hard and save up.

No one is taking advantage of anyone. As I said upthread, the ADULT children are perfectly within their rights to politely decline the offer.

'Would you like to come on a 5 star all expenses holiday to Antigua with us?'

' You fucking controlling bastard! You know I hate Antigua and would not want to come on holiday with you anyway. Just give us 10k to go on holiday by ourselves to the place of our choosing....'

Agree with this. It's an offer for a mutually beneficial arrangement.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I don't think it's all that sinister

At first glance, maybe not. What happens if an amazing job comes up that requires moving?- will they demand the money back? will they try to block a potential sale?

When your actions have strings attached, its always wise to consider the future ramifications otherwise you might find those strings end up suffocating you.

And the adult children can air those concerns before any property is concerned. They aren't gagged and bound to a chair by some nefarious villain.